Remember Me By My Name

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! How was your day?
Masih beraya ke? Hati-hati. Haha
Sementara menghadamkan kuih raya tu,
meh jemput baca post ni. Hehe

Recently, mood bujo Farahin datang semula. Dah macam bermusim pula. Yang tak tahu apa benda bujo tu, nama penuhnya bullet journal. Something more like planner and diaries. Even though Farahin tak hebat dalam planning, I just do what I want to do with my bujo. It's my bujo after all lol.

That's the introduction. Ceritanya yang ini. So today I reminisced the same bad memories again. About my childhood, school and more. I knew I can't help it. Farahin tak boleh nak paksa this mind of mine macam tekan suis lampu. It wasn't that easy anymore.

However, I decided not to let myself drowning deep into it. Tak tahu mana datang that strength. Tapi this few days mood Farahin so-so. Not too bad, not too good either. I think one of the reasons mungkin hasil dari masa Farahin spend layankan bujo and train my creative side of my mind.

Jadi within all those bad memories, slowly I decided to pause it at a few moments. Moments which friends and people, even relatives gave me names. Nicknames --- Budak/Anak Cina, Joyah, Sepet, Budak Jepun, Oshin, Budak Kpop, Suju.

I know. Some of y'all mesti rasa those names macam mencaci. And I know. Some of y'all can take it positively. I learned it in a very hard way to see and hear that name positively. Ya. Mula-mula memang rasa macam orang ketawakan kita. Judged me in a way I never asked for. Tapi fortunately, painfully, difficultly, I tried to learn that there were nothing wrong about those names.

Budak/Anak Cina --- Ya. Nenek moyang aku ada darah cina.
Joyah --- Ya. Aku kepoh masa budak-budak dulu.
Sepet --- Ya. Mata aku sepet.
Budak Jepun --- Ya. I can relate to that.
Oshin --- Ya. Drama tu femes, kan? I can relate to that too.
Budak Kpop --- Ya. Aku tahu. Memang minat aku.
Suju --- Ya. Itu nama maya aku.

Ya. Those name muncul dalam cara yang Farahin susah nak terima, kecuali Budak Kpop dan Suju. Munculnya ia buat Farahin rasa kecil dan hina. Buat Farahin tertanya-tanya "kenapa panggil aku macam tu?" Tapi Farahin bukan orang yang pantas bertanya kenapa kepada sesiapa sahaja. Sebaliknya, Farahin cari sendiri jawapannya dalam otak Farahin yang pada ketika itu masih sedang membina.

Susahnya. Susahnya seorang budak perempuan nak kenal logik sebuah pemikiran positif pada masa itu. Tapi akhirnya Farahin dapat juga bina pemahaman sendiri. Tak apa. Mungkin itu cara orang nak kenal aku. Mungkin dengan nama-nama begitu buat mereka senang nak ingat aku. Jadi Farahin membesar dengan pemahaman ini.

Cuma bila nama Budak Kpop dan Suju tu muncul, Farahin baru reti tunjuk protes. Kalau kau kenal aku, kalau kau tahu nama aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku. Aku faham pasal gelaran umum Budak Kpop dalam kalangan orang kita. Tapi Suju (Elfarahin) cuma wujud di alam maya. Kalau kau kawan aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku.

Farahin appreciated cara diaorang approached Farahin. If that name made them interested to me. But who knows, tak semua orang can take it seriously as serious as I did. Ada sebab kenapa Farahin stay dengan nama Suju Elfarahin. Ya. Paling basic sebab I am that one of crazy fan, that is some people would called. But there is more about it which I can choose not to tell.

Sambil layankan emosi dan memori, Farahin doodled those names on my bujo. Creatively. Beautifully. Cutely. Menggigil tangan. Berpeluh sejuk. Dekat dada ni ada rasa sakit yang Farahin tahan. Tapi Farahin beritahu dekat diri, it's a healing. A painful healing, Farahin. Ada juga moments Farahin terketawa sendiri masa doodling sebab teringatkan muka-muka kelakar dan happy diaorang bila panggil Farahin dengan nama-nama tu.

Such a hard process, wasn't it? Farahin tahu bangun hanya bila Farahin jatuh. Farahin tahu sembuh hanya bila Farahin sakit. Tapi nak bangun tu bukan senang. Nak sembuh tu bukan sekejap. It doesn't matter what they called me. What matter is how. While some of them panggil Farahin with those names like it was common, there were some yang mungkin seakan mengejek.

I know we were too young. Apa yang kita tahu cuma ketawa dan berseronok. I understand. Tapi ia bukannya benda biasa yang patut dibiasakan. Besides we were too young, we were growing. Kulit benih tu masih bersisa. Akar pun tak cukup kuat. Baru kenal matahari. Nak bau tanah. Nak rasa air. Jadi jangan diperkecilkan. Jangan dibuat main sembarangan.

Jadi I have an advice to parents yang anak-anak masih kecil, masih muda, masih belajar hendak kenal dunia, ajarlah. Teach them to call people by their names. Teach them yang mak ayah kawan-kawannya susah payah beri nama kepadanya jadi panggilnya dengan nama yang betul. Sekalipun nak ditimang-timang dengan nama timangan, biarlah nama yang kawannya suka dan terima.

Farahin tak ada anak. Kahwin atau tak pun belum tahu. But I told this through my experiences. Through my memories and feelings. Through my pains. Yang lepas memang dah lepas. But I don't want to see more unnecessary hurting between us. I don't need to know their names, your names, to care. Because we are all human and we are worthy for each other.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern!
See you =)



People don't apologize not because they don't want to. They just can't. So at least, forgive them.





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I'm Sorry

Posted by | On | | 6 Comments
Assalamualaikum...

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Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Dah nak masuk minggu kedua raya ni. Masih meriah lagi ke? Hehe

Malam ni Farahin nak berkongsi cerita tentang apa yang jadi seharian ini. Mungkin cerita ni agak sedih. Mungkin juga boleh jadi cerita yang beracun. Sekadar pemberitahuan awal kalau korang memang nak teruskan membaca.

Mood Farahin memang tak berapa baik beberapa hari ni. Mungkin dua atau sudah tiga hari. Ada perasaan memberat dalam hati ni. Hendak ditangis tak pula air mata mengalir. Hendak dimarah tak ada juga sebabnya. Macam biasa, bilik memang jadi tempat Farahin melayan perasaan dan khayalan. Hobi paling kerap dua tiga hari ni ialah menonton Problematic Men. Seronok layankan kuiz-kuiz ajaib dari variety show ni. Farahin masih boleh ketawa layankan lawak-lawak yang diselitkan mereka. Tapi perasaan tu tetap pergi dan kembali menghantui.

Tengah hari tadi keluarga mak ngah datang beraya. Farahin boleh dengar riuh rendah diorang dari bilik. Farahin ada niat nak jumpa diorang. Ada rasa, "Aku nak jumpa diorang yang sayangkan aku ni." Tapi Farahin tak rasa nak tunaikan niat tu. Farahin tak rasa nak beramah dengan ramai orang. Farahin tak rasa nak paksa diri senyum-senyum dan akhirnya rasa bersalah sendiri sebab berpura-pura. Jadi Farahin tetap di bilik. Tapi tetap juga Farahin ada rasa bersalah dan biadap sebab tak sambut keluarga mak ngah yang memang saudara paling Farahin rapat.

Lepas maghrib tadi pula mak ajak beraya ke rumah mak we(hawa). Makcik Farahin juga. Rumahnya depan rumah Farahin je. Tapi Farahin masih dengan rasa tak nak ke mana-mana. Perut Farahin pun rasa tak sedap masa tu. Mungkin masuk angin atau sebab Farahin tak membuang dua hari ni. Sebab rutin sihat Farahin dalam sehari mesti ada sekali membuang. Nampak Farahin lemah macam tak sihat, mak tanya kenapa jadi Farahin jawab saja sakit perut. Padahal sakit perut tu tak ada lah teruk sangat macam gastrik. Mak siap turun naik balik bawa minyak angin untuk Farahin. Farahin rasa bersalah lagi. Bukan niat nak menipu tapi alasan "malas" atau "tak nak" tu macam tak nak keluar dari mulut.

Lepas isyak Farahin turun nak makan. Ayah pula tanya "sakit perut ke? makan pocai tu." Farahin jawab saja masuk angin. Mak ada beritahu mak we ada bagi lauk sayur lodeh jadi Farahin makan lauk yang mak we bagi tu. Datang lagi rasa bersalah sebab tak pergi rumah mak we. Siap makan, Farahin bancuh air teh O. Teringat cakap mak tadi minum air panas mungkin boleh legakan sikit sakit perut. Sambil melepak dekat dapur minum air teh O, ayah tanya lagi "makan pocai tu. ke nak pergi hospital?" Berat mulut ni nak bercakap, nak mejawab. Rasa macam kena kunci. Perlahan Farahin jawab tak payah tapi ayah tak dengar jadi Farah jawab dengan suara yang keras. Suara yang memang Farahin biasa guna bila Farahin rasa rimas dan tak puas hati dengan sesuatu keadaan atau seseorang. Tapi masa tu yang Farahin rimaskan ialah perasaan ni. Yang Farahin rasa tak puas hati tu ialah diri ni.

Habis minum, Farahin balik ke bilik dan karangkan cerita ni dekat notepad sementara tunggu bateri phone cukup makan sebelum Farahin sambungkan hotspot. Ada pemikiran-pemikiran kolot yang muncul. Sakit perut cukup untuk buat ayah Farahin bertanya "nak pergi hospital ke?" Tapi mengadunya Farahin selepas tujuh tahun menanggung sendiri rasa murung dan serba tak kena ni cukup hanya sampai penyataan "tak ada apalah. ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

Sejujurnya, Farahin memang dah tawar hati nak jumpa doktor. Fikirkan selepas Farahin tebal muka menahan rasa kecil dan lemahnya diri ini, menangis, merintih membuka rahsia yang bukan mudah untuk Farahin buka tidak cuma kepada mak ayah, dekat kaunselor, pegawai kesihatan universiti, supervisor projek tahun akhir, staff di fakulti, jururawat di hospital, di twitter, di sini, tapi tetap juga Farahin menanggungnya sendiri dengan semangat yang meruntuh ini. Dengan iman yang rapuh. Percaya kepada diri ni sudah kurang. Tujuh tahun Farahin cuba membina semula diri ini sekali menanggung sakit ini dan kali ini ia jatuh lagi. Runtuh lagi. Berapa lama lagi agaknya baru diri ni terbina semula?

Sampai sini sahaja cerita Farahin.
Yang lainnya biarlah jadi simpanan peribadi.
Maaf kalau rasa geli-geli dengan ayat rencah novel dalam post kali ini haha.
Terima kasih!
See you =)



when the waves are too strong and it goes too long, even to sail safely is impossible when the boat itself is falling apart because of the waves.



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Track My Mood

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for koro sensei moods gif
Hello, peeps! How are you today?
I am still doing fine it's just I don't feel quite okay today.
Maybe it's just simply another mood swing.
So you can say that's why I'm here.
Only to give myself a little good distraction.

Today post may not as complicated as my other posts. I just want to share with you guys about this one application that I have been using for almost two months. It's a mobile application uses as mood tracker named Moodpath.

Before this, I had tried to make a bullet journal. It was sort of fun having that fancy diary with other sort of things like mood tracker, habit tracker, to-do list, appointment and more. Unfortunately, I can't help to not being consistent to make it because I was too lazy and most of the time I just lost a purpose of it. However, I love tracking my mood. I enjoyed giving thoughts how I was feeling daily. But that wasn't the only reason I installed Moodpath on my phone. It was because I wanted to learn myself.

Moodpath is a mood tracker made specially for those who are having depression and anxiety. It supervises my mood thrice a day -- morning, afternoon, and evening. It also has a space where the user can expresses their thoughts, emotions, and experiences through writing. Daily series of question will be given three times to help its user identify any symptomps of depression and anxiety. There will be insights or sort of short articles shared to the user too to assist the user take control over their overwhelming emotions. I rarely pay attention on this part but I did a quick reading yesterday and it wasn't bad. Every two weeks, it will gives its user the result based on the tracked mood. I am now on my third two-weeks mood tracking.

Since I started using this mood tracker, I'm more aware and alert on my mood changes. Even though I am now in my sixth week using it, it's still unbelievable to me how I actually able have various moods in just a day. And even when I had been feeling okay for almost a week until yesterday, I can't help to not being cautious "is it okay to feel this okay?". Because I had been all over the places for weeks and had a constant pattern of feeling good was just kind of worry me.

For those who are looking for a mood tracker, you may give it a try. Even for you who just love tracking mood for fun. Even though it is made specially for depression and anxiety purpose, i think if someone healthy make use of it won't be hurt too. Who knows maybe it can boost your positive vibe too, looking on how good you were doing daily.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Enjoy your day and all the best!
See you =)




Emotions are like waves. Sail on it as best as you could and keep the boat safe.



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Mutual

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for dhuha surah verse 7 quotes
Hello, peeps! Good night y'all. How's your raya?
I have been staying at home all day long.
It's cold here since it was raining since morning
and only just stopped in the evening.
Tonight post will be something I have been thinking for weeks.
So, enjoy your reading time and don't forget to leave a comment!

A friend said, a doctor won't treats his or her patients are all same. It's all based on their condition, disease and necessity. I repeated this words in my mind for many times. Even though I had it stopped, it would came back after awhile. Along with that, I was thinking how we human normally demand for something equal. Something similar. We claim that is how being fair means. However, I had another thought. I have been noticed this since I was a child which we human were used to lie and we're still. This includes someone who are not really good at lying or simply bad at it. I don't mind about this one behavior of us. But what do I mind is how we use it.

As a person as well as a friend, I won't ask in regret "Why don't you treat me just like the way I treat you?". Instead of that, I ask in disappointment "I hope you just simply appreciate my existence". I don't ask for a payback. I simply ask for a "Thank you". In term of relationship between human, I think I can get use to three kinds. Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. Just in one condition, don't lie.

Firstly, I can be a friend to someone who need someone to listen to him or her. I would be glad if this kind of person approaches me with this kind of purpose. However, it would be better if this person comes without any other decorations like pretending to get close to me or does something sort of special that he or she never does before. If you believe me, just come to me and I will get my ears as well as my heart ready. You don't have to pretend or create any unnecessary lies and then suddenly left without trace. We don't have to get close to listen to each other.

Secondly, I can be a friend to someone who just simply want to get to know each other. I appreciate this kind of approach. Getting to know someone is like widen my knowledge and understanding over people. It's true and pure. However, if you come with hidden hopeful purpose like to make me a girlfriend or something else more, to me this kind of relationship is more serious and challenging because I will start to consider your feeling. It is also a challenge to me when i can sense a fake appearance of someone who intend to get to know me. I will start thinking if this person is actually not confident or just simply don't trust me. I don't need a mistrustful relationship.

Thirdly, I can be a friend with benefits. However, just so you know, I can make you my benefits too. I don't have prejudice over relationship with taking advantages as long as it's fair for both sides. What we called a toxic relationship is when it is all one sided and it's more like parasite than a mutual. I hope a person who approaches me with this kind of purpose would make it clear and no running around the bushes. I'm a warm person if you get to know me quite long but I'm also a cold person from the start and I'm always do.

At my side, I don't have to know someone's name just so I can pay my attention to that someone. As long as I want, I will. If I want to listen, I will. If I want to get to know someone or something, I will. If I want to let you benefit me, I will benefit you too. It's not simply a give and take operation but a comprimise act. Even if it is a fail, it is not completely fails. It is just another lesson. Start a greeting, give a help, make a business deal, there are more example of comprimise act.

How can I came out with these thoughts? It was when i realized that I have been always wanting something mutual. Something true even if it is far from logic. 5 does not only made of 3 plus 2, but also 1 plus 4, 10 divide 2, 5 multiply 1, square root of 25 and etc. Life itself applies the same formula to us. How something that we have do not belong to others, and so what they have may not ours too. It's not like we are given with something unequally but it's just simply in different way. Bukan tak sama. Tapi sama rata.

I know this post is kind of all over the places.
Well, that's just our human brain does things together with its best friend, emotions.
Until here, I put an end of this post. No offend. Just simply a personal thought.
Thank you for your time reading this until its last line.
See ya =)






Allah tak beri semua sama. Allah beri semua sama rata. Alhamdulillah.








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The Nonstandard Standard

Posted by | On | | 6 Comments
Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime gif reach hand
Hello, peeps! How's your day?
I've been feeling okay since I woke up this morning.
By the way, I missed my sahur for the first time. ugh
So for today post, I hope it won't be something too personal like most of the previous posts.
I wish to make this one more like words of wisdom or a little unprofessional advice.
Let me just boost this positive vibe of mine after quite awhile.

Everything has its standard. In my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Why would a car has four tires instead of two just like a motorcycle when both are vehicles? Isn't that also to make it more balance and in addition less harmful? Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. Agree? If you're as dumb as me, let's go through the second paragraph lol. Oof! My hands are all sweating right now.

Standard has its good purpose. Not only for things, but also for human. We're all have our own standard. Somehow, even that standard becomes a priority to us. For instance, walking in heels too long can causes my legs in pain so I would wear sneakers if I mean to walk for a long time. Also it is more safe and stable. So that is my standard. My priority. Each person may has different standard, or may not. Because, the first thing first, we're all just simply human. It's undeniable that we're also has something in common. For example, our sadness has its standard to cause our eyes shedding tears or at least a strange little pain in our chest.

Until now, we're aware that standard has its purpose and we're all not that so much different. Okay. I think I'm still doing it good lol. Here comes a little tension. Despite of its good purpose and many commons between us human, we unknowingly have misused it. Standard abuse, if I would name it. Why do we have to keep and use that nonstandard standard? Confused? Let's go through the next paragraph.

We're all born with same system. Though there are some of us who are special, but we're still the same living human. We breathe air. We digest what had be eaten. We think. We react. We feel. And yes, we're all have bad habit of temporarily forgetting things. We forget that there are a few moments which we would foolishly judge ourselves when we think other people foolishly judge us. We forget that standing in front of the class could be so much nerve wrecking that we could end up crying instead of presenting our name. We forget that what we do to other people is just as similar as what other people did to us. And then, we start to grow this simple powerful phrase "standard lah tu."

Excuse for my next line because it could be quite personal. After all, I just can't help it lol. I shared with a friend of how was I feeling when a nurse I met while I was going to make my very first appointment with a psychologist told me "anxiety je kot" right to my face when that moment I was all confused, anxious, and scared. Thankful to my half sane mind that I still could rationalized myself "Okey. Mungkin dia dah biasa hadap patient jadi tak ada yang aneh atau luar biasa bagi dia." Yet I still had this part of my mind "mungkin aku boleh rasional. tapi berapa orang yang trigger dengan statement yang clumsy macam tu?" I was crying right after I was home, trying to fight this inferiority thinking maybe I was just overreacted or misunderstood what she tried to deliver. And this friend of mine gave that respond, "Standard lah tu."

Image result for surah al araf verse 23 07 quote
Dear, friends. It is not about "she's sick so we've to be careful." It's about be caring. It supposed to be "be careful so she won't get hurt." Don't we all love this proverb, "an apple a day, keep the doctor away." Yes, we're all have our standard. But we're wrong about standard has its good purpose. There are some standards that are just simply unnecessary such as paying attention to people who you actually don't want to pay attention to, badmouthing people who you never even talk to, and judging even when you still don't go through the right process of getting to know. It's indeed personal to me, but I also concern about those who are going through the same thing as what I had went through and I'm sure there are more who are now affected by this nonstandard standard of us.

I know we can't stop a person from feeling nervous or overthinking. But what we can do is kindness. Make it less than it is. Less hurt. Less painful. So it is faster to heal. Last night I had encountered many heartbreaking posts from a few blogs just only in 2-3 hours. They were all feeling down, confused, anxious, and have been crying often. I may not know what they are going through but because we're all human and supposed we're all just can relate to those feelings and emotions, thus I really hope those who are having difficult time with themselves would get better and fully heal. To be honest, I just don't want there are more as broken as me. Thinking about it is just terrifying. Either they are just simply temporarily feeling of sadness or it has been like forever, I am just concern.

Repeat after my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. So, please. Please don't hurt any more people. Allah tak campak Adam a.s dan Hawa ke bumi supaya cucu ciciknya saling menyakiti. Ini adalah penjara yang disiapkan istimewa untuk kita semua. Di sini kita tak semata-matanya menunggu hari penghukuman. Di sini kita boleh tebus salah kita right on time dan inshaallah mungkin kurang satu hukuman. Di sini kita tidak sendiri. Sedangkan Allah tetap pertemukan Adam a.s dan Hawa semula walaupun telah dipisah jauh ke dua tempat yang berbeza.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See you =)






let go the past, forget about the future, and live the present.
at least for today, let's be happy once again.






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How Do I Look At People

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Assalamualaikum...
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Night, people! Dah nak tidur ke tu? Well, Farahin pun mengantuk juga ni. Memang akhir-akhir ni tidur awal, bangun awal. Just absolutely not my usual routine haha. But...come on lah. Final exam baru je habis. Thinking I would go to sleep a little bit late today lol. Anyway, I have been thinking about this one thing this few days. How do I look at people? How DID I look at people?

Since the day I still remember, maybe when I was three or four which ayah photographed me using that square sony camera, or maybe when I was five or six when I had this few friends who much older than me, I remember I did not had good impression about people. Not in overall, but most of it.

I thought there was nothing called "friendship" and "friends" when ada beberapa insan ni semudahnya keluar masuk through me like a door. Semalam elok, hari ni tiba-tiba pusing belakang, esok mencari semula. I thought "friendship" and "friends" were synonyms of an act for just simply having fun forsake of oneself.

Lagi pula I felt like there were these eyes that I kept looking at me like I was an abnormal exhibition. They were curious, wondering, but most of them did not even dared to come closer to take a look at this "strange artifact". I hate that little attitude. This did not only started and simply stopped at zaman sekolah rendah, ironinya it kept happening until secondary school, pmr, spm, matriculation, and now I am already in university.

The way people treated me, the way I felt they treated me, their look, their whispers, it was a huge challenge for a child me. I think it also distracted my mental and personality growth. Especially, when I started to doubt myself. "Pelik sangat ke aku ni?". "Teruk ke kalau aku jenis pendiam?". "Buruk ke kalau mata aku sepet macam anak cina?". "Salah ke aku hias rambut ke sekolah?". I slowly started to grow prejudice towards this world and its people. Towards life.

Piece by piece, dari benda yang I can just looked away and pretended to not hear, told myself that orang macam ni tak perlukan perhatian aku, no matter how much I had got used to it, the pain was still there. It healed and it opened again and it healed again and...

Guess, my last puppy love or maybe a first love (?) was the best piece I had yet even that was broken in a way that I think no one should experienced it. And guess that was when everything started to fall into many tiny pieces. And at that moment, I thought to kept all these pieces hidden inside me and build a new character who is positive, open, and approachable were the best solution.

At age 16, I started to grow myself again. I slowly stopped being prejudice about people. Kita semua sama. Manusia semuanya serupa. Mereka pandang aku pelik? Benda biasa. They were just curious. Aku pun macam tu. I stopped hating and blaming people. Yet I reminded myself that, if I have flaws so do they and so there is nothing to complain about. No need to differentiate anyone, we are just human with reactions and emotions.

Life was slowly changing. My life. From matriculation until university today, I had friends or at least acquaintances that would waved and greet me in the middle of way. Even I did not found it was too difficult to meet new people, besides I was just simply nervous and excited. Berbeza dengan zaman kanak-kanak until sekolah. I felt very grateful that people saw me and remembered me even when I was always walking with my head down.

Alhamdulillah. I felt better. All the pain that I had endured since I was very young to understand it, the risks and efforts I made to present myself a bit more to people, finally they saw me and wanted to get to know me. However, there were more than this.

I never forgot those tiny pieces I kept it hidden inside me. I should had knew since I was 15, when I secretly made three little cuts on my left wrist, those pieces were actually started to stab me to destroy me. From feeling sudden changes in mood in a day, to a feeling of worthless and helpless, until a day in a year where I would trembling cold with urge to kill myself or at least to hurt myself.

Lillahi Taala. Hidup ini hanya kerana Allah. Dengan namaMu Ya Allah, aku hidup dan mati. I kept myself clean from any more scars. Cukuplah tiga parut yang semakin mengecil ini. Cukuplah dosa yang paling besar aku pernah buat. Nyawa ini amanah. Tubuh ini amanah. Bukan sebarangan nikmat. Bukan sebarangan pinjaman. Hidup aku tak minta tapi diberi. Begitu juga halnya dengan mati.

I thought I did well. I thought I felt better. I thought I was ready for it when I knew it was about to make another struck last March. Two sleepless nights with resentful cries and suicide thoughts, and the next day I just knew it would struck at anytime. Despite all the experiences, all the begging I asked for mercy from my insane self, all the inside screams calling for Allah, I lost again. Another sin? More like another crime. I know something is changing. Something bad or maybe worst. Something that I could not just simply say "it's okay". Now, I don't question how do I look at people anymore. But how do I look at myself???


Allahu. It's a long long long post again lol.
I'm sorry. See you =)








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End of Semester

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! How're you doing?
Puasa tinggal lima hari je lagi ni haha.

Alhamdulillah. I just done my last paper today.
Dah puas goreng, keluar dewan pula awal sokmo haha.
Though this semester seems the hardest for me to go through,
the most challenges and complicated,
despite all the sleepless night and restless day,
finally it's the end of semester.

Yesterday, I made a call to the hospital.
Thought I could change my first appointment
to this Monday but it was already fulled.
So I decided to cancel it and now thinking about
to make an appointment at the hospital near to my home.
My parents still don't know about this.
Guess I will just let it unknown from them until I done this first appointment.
My condition is good this few days. Much positive than this past 2 months.
But I cannot help to unnecessarily wondering, "is it okay to feel this okay?"

Anyway, greeting to June!
Also, Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin to y'all!
See ya. Bubye =)











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bismillah. =) -12/09/2019-