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Cyberbully Is A Crime

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 30, 2020 | | 10 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Please Smile Kou!! | Anime, Sad And Happy GIF | Gfycat
Hello, readers! Here me again to speak up my mind. Yeah. I'm a coward. I'm less interested in intense argumentative conversation. That's why I write. I share my personal thoughts. Take what you want to have or you may not. Wait. What an offensive introduction. Ops!

Cyberbully is a crime. Yeah. As written above. I was instigated again with this matter. Because someone that I love is experiencing this. This time, I'm not sure if it's bigger or the biggest, but it's something different. I never know there is a thing like award to disregard someone's reputation. Wait? Do we have it too? Somewhat called The Most Controversial Celebrity? Read it again. Controversial. It's different with Popular. Maybe because I exposed myself more on positive things so I don't encounter this shitty often. Yet today, I encountered one. Accidentally.

Okay. Enough with the hate. I just vent out the main cause of what makes me sitting in front of my laptop right now. Now, let's get through the purpose of this post. It's still around the same thing. But let me take you going through a little piece of my mind. Our subject is criminals of the crime. The people who get someone bullied, spread hate, make threat, and even attempt the immorality.

So related to this matter, I've been thinking about it quite long and many times. Could it be, that some of this people are another example of people like me? Stuck in the merciless cycle of dark past. It's well known and clear to us, that they live up to hate. And I've been thinking, if they have this spacious place in their heart for hate, doesn't that means they have very little place for love? Or it could be, they actually receive very little love?

Even before this, I had this thought or more like a question just like above, do someone's bad deeds lessen the value of their lives? I mean, the life that we carry around with us while our brain and heart are still working and it won't be there anymore if one or both of them are gone. Because for me, everyone, actually everyone, deserve to feel loved and cared by others.

Hate? It's not easy to defeat. Just like how cyberbully has become this very difficult to be stopped. And when I relate it to what I've been thinking about those people, there is another way - Spread Love Not Hate. I know this sounds cliche since it has been said and mentioned around but I never gave it a deeper thought like how I'm doing right now. We need to spread more love than the hate that is made. Not only for ourselves. Not only for the victims. But also, for them who worship this rotten culture.

For me, I think I'm not often hate people but their action or behavior. Same goes with this matter. I hate what they're doing, but overall I don't hate them as human. If what I've been questioning is also its answer, from my perspective and understanding, this people need love as much as others. I don't mean to admire their bad deeds, but make them see that good deeds are still being cherish and they deserve a few of those.

Back to the merciless cycle of dark past. Look. We don't know what someone had experienced in years to decades of their life. No mention that we can't see it. We know what we know. And we don't know what we don't know. I, myself, applied this method to people around me. No one actually know all about us and it's the same case for us. So I'm thinking, what if, just like me, they are actually affected by hate for very long time and this effect urges them either to feel affected or spread the effect to others. Which later, the cycle may gets bigger and continues.

Look at my side, I do hate what people had done to me. And now, those people are leading their great life. Do I hate them? No. It's very difficult for me to make sure of this. And if I have to draw a figure or maybe figures of who I hate in my mind, then that would be those naive cheerful children in white uniform who so called classmates, schoolmates, and even the teachers. As if there is another world with me and them never get older and keep experiencing those hateful events again and again in unstoppable loop.

Yes. I am affected to my dark past. I do feel hate. It had been harvested almost two decades. The roots and thorns are embracing me and with them around me, my look is nothing less from a beast. However, because of this hate, the way I love myself and people around me are affected. I have difficulty to love myself but not people around me. I try to act kind because I know how it feels like to receive it very less, and even this can be difficult for me to do for myself. I believe no one can escape from this nature. It just happened differently. So maybe for them, they are affected to hate instead of love.

Anyway, I believe that no one can escape from wanting to be loved too. And I don't think that's wrong. What can be wrong is if we try to get that love in wrong way. And in this case, cyberbully is one of the example. You deserve love. You deserve care. But not in this way. Even if you do this for money and other big reasons, I know life can be harder than we think, I wish you know that there is still love inside you. You still can love. You can be loved. Don't hurt others and also yourselves. 

In a big picture, this life has always have two things. Right and Wrong. Options and None. But I can't spare my eyes that wide. I tend to look at this little part, and I see that this little part itself has many colors. Without this little part, would a big picture created? Sometimes, we don't have to build new routes and abandon the others. Just add some junctions or maybe traffic light or anything that could make the route safer and better. That's enough.

This matter is stressful isn't it? Plus this long long long writing from me. At least, now you know how a little part of my brain work. I believe I am a thoughtful person. And I also believe, when I push this thoughtful behavior to its maximum, I can be extremely overthinking. Then, that may causes me to fall ill. Anxious. Depressed. Moody. After all, I have an ill brain. It's called Bipolar Mood Disorder 2, in case you're curious for those who don't know yet.

Shall I conclude it now? I think so. First, spread more love than the hate that is made. Second, everyone deserve to be loved, like actually everyone. Third, you still can love and be loved. Don't hurt yourselves and others. Fourth, if we can remind someone to not give up on themselves, we should not give up on them too. You, bullies. I see you. I hate what you're doing but I can't bring myself to hate you.

For me, what you're doing is abuse to yourself. No. Don't repeat that cycle. You may can't stop it now. And you may learn the how. I'm a sick person, myself. I'm sick of this world too. I'm sick of human. So that's why, we may heal ourselves. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Get love if you can't love yourselves. But not in this way. There are other ways. Stop. Look around. If you can't see anything, if you can't see yourselves, you're seeing this writing. I'm sending love to you.

To you who don't feel exist, you read this is a proof you're exist. You see this is a proof you still can see something around you. You feel my writing is a proof you still can grow your feeling. You understand something from my messy writing is a proof your mind still has its sanity. You worry about my illness is a proof you value the worth of health. I'm sending love to you too.



Does it actually the matter of the bad is growing wilder?
Or it could be the good has being quieter?





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Productive June

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 27, 2020 | | 4 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Sad Quotes Black And White. QuotesGram
Hello, readers. How're you doing?
June is about to end yet here me writing my first post for this month.
Not actually sure what to write here. Guess, just like usual.
I'm going rant about how my life is going on.

This month is kind of difficult to describe. Many things happened. Maybe? First, about my medication. The pills are reduced from 2 and 1/2 pills to 2 pills. I'm not sure where did she (a doctor but not my usual psychiatrist) got this good idea to reduce my pills. But the last appointment I had, I had been asked to range percentage for my current condition. I actually hate this question. At some point, it made me anxious and this wasn't my first time. So I bluntly put the range - 80%. Hah! How impressive. Actually, I have been less sharing my thoughts and feelings with doctors I met during this pandemic. I just didn't had the courage and strength to be vulnerable. I only answered the basic questions and leaved.

Now, it's already my second week with this reduced medication. Unexpectedly, it seems my brain had reaction to it. During the first week, I experienced my hypomania after long not had one. Like usual, it lasted for 3 days. 3 days passed, I somewhat doing fine. But it only lasted for 2 days because later, mild depression came to me. It only lasted less than 48 hours but the feeling exactly how I used to feel when I was depressed. Almost every 10 to 20 minutes, I would had tears in my eyes. The first night when it hit, I suddenly went berserk with my long lost vulnerability. I texted my best friend who I had long not sharing anything with her. My text started with, A Letter To You.

After long not crying, no mentioned at late night, I wrote my text while crying so hard. I confessed, expressed, and shared whatever I could in my text at that time. My words were a big mess but I sent them anyway. I told her about the bad things I thought and felt as well as the good things that I tried to fight for yet I still could not escape from my own insanity. That night, I had both swollen heart and eyes. I felt pain that had not came for visit too long. The next day, the rest of my tears entertained this visitor. When night went late, only then I felt a little bit recovered.

Until today and now, I think fine is not the wrong word. Just I often running around my own feelings and thoughts in cycles like usual. Sometimes, I'm like that bulb which the light goes bright and dim almost every few minutes. It's worrisome yet still fine. Feeling confused is already my daily anthem. I can sing but not dance to it. I know what's all the mess there but I cannot figure how to tidy up or where to start yet end up feeling overwhelmed. Like right now, just a few seconds ago I took my own words seriously but later all seemed bad excuses I made to myself. Yeah. Just like that bulb I mentioned above.

Look. Know this. Some patients like me, we go up and down drastically. When we try to take it slowly, do it slowly, make it slowly, we still can't escape from the pressure. It's just like that moment we try to move forward while the strong wind is blowing towards us. But for us mental illness patients, this wind could be tornado, typhoon, mix of storm and rain, gloomy sky above with deserted land below, simply anything massive and destructive that to feel safe is like impossible. We're in survival mode, about to make something worthy, but we still feeling our life is at the last edge. The insecurity is too extreme at its maximum. We hate this word but still can't escape from it -- INSANE.

Enough. I make a long long write again.
But it feels good realizing I write this calmly
even though it is not actually match to what's inside.
In short, I'm not ruining the keyboard haha.
Until here, I end this post. See you later.
Take care. bye bye =)









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