Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .
[ Another messy , mix up rant . Anyway , happy reading ! ]
I copied a lot of things from observing people while growing up and becoming adult . I copied how to be friendly , let people feel less awkward when they are with me . Especially , when we are yet familiar with each other . I copied how far I'm allowed to tease someone with some silly jokes , let the person smile without feeling down about themselves . I copied how rude I can be , the bare minimum just enough to relieve myself alone . I copied how to show affection and expression , almost like fictional character but I never lie about how I feel .
I copied a lot of things those I received least while growing up and becoming adult . I made myself into puppet yet seems alive . At some point , I let people played with me less from time to time . Later then , I played a character myself and interacted with them . Unfortunately , there is one thing I'm still failed to copy called sympathy , even though I'm made with built-in hypersensitive empathy .
I also analyzed a lot of things those I experienced from and with people at first time and a few times later . I analyzed the effects of those experiences to myself . How do I feel about it ? What does my mind says about it ? Should I adjust it or just simply copy it as it is ? How do I want to feel about it ? How can I convey similar good energy to the other ? Or maybe , should I won't let myself to experience it again ?
Realizing how very unexpressive I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very deep the roots have reached underneath don't make me feel good . Realizing how my thoughtful mind and informative speech are dysfunctional when I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very unfriendly and affectionless I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how I internalize to put all the blames on myself about don't make me feel good .
I'm too early yet adult enough (maybe) to think about parenting and childhood trauma . Perhaps , I'm just redirecting my overwhelming personal grief , turn it into something that it's not all about me but us . Perhaps too , my empathy is restless from not doing anything under act of rescue (as if) , even though it may not makes anything becomes better . Or I'm just clueless yet nosy .
Not all quiet children are just quiet . Not all quiet children are just well behaved . They cry soon after they're born . They throw tantrums out of feeling stress and angry . They make sounds and pronounce words soon when they able to . They are hyperactive that even adults can't match with the energy . Formerly , children aren't make to be quiet because their whole system is progressing and developing . Quiet children should have their own way to be expressive , accompany by adults . Quiet is loud too .
Have you started wondering why some children are quiet and well behaved ? Have you started wondering what quiet children have in their mind ? Good adults are not perfect . Good adults make mistake . Good adults miss many steps . Good adults may not seen as such by children and it remains unsaid by them . Good adults won't ever get to hear it at all when quiet children started have their own personality and ways of thinking . Quiet children won't ever speak again .
Why we stop listening to children once they can speak clearly , unlike before ?
