When starlight cross the night
When my soul lost its light
To not have you by my side
Our love used to be right
When moonlight shy away darkness
When dream has its form the brightest
I see glimpse of you in thick mist
Our love used to be right
Now I cry it all through the night
When your smile warmed my heart
When your touch floated my soul
I saw us rowing boat to heaven
Our love used to be right
Now I am the angel who has fallen
Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,
Bukan sekali . Bukan dua kali . Bukan juga tiga kali . Dah banyak kali jadi , bila Farahin nak follow blog other bloggers , mesti dapat pop up notification yang kata Farahin tak boleh follow tersebut . Farahin sangkakan internet yang lagging atau sistem blogspot yang error . Rupa-rupanya bukan itu masalahnya .
Memandangkan Farahin tak boleh follow blog other bloggers dengan tekan button follow , Farahin cuba cara manual . Pergi ke reading list , klik manage , dan cuba add link blog yang Farahin nak follow . Kali ni pun Farahin dapat notification lagi , "you cannot follow more than 200 blogs" Ehh sejak bila blogspot jadi kedekut ni ?
Blog Farahin ni dah sedekad matang usianya . Dah banyak kali tukar nama . Dah banyak kali tukar template dan edit design . Dah banyak perubahan dari segi penulisan . List blog yang Farahin dah follow pun 2000+ blogs . Sekarang limit boleh follow 200 blogs saja , serius kedekut .
Tapi no choice lah . Kite terima saja sistem baru ni . Farahin pun perasan dah banyak sangat blog yang dah bertahun-tahun lamanya tak aktif . Elok Farahin unfollow saja blogs ni . Tabahkan je lah nak semak sebiji-sebiji . 2000+ blogs kot . Semalam pun dapat setel 10 blogs je huuu
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Maka disarankan sangat tinggalkan link awak okey .
Bolehlah Farahin dan bloggers lain datang jenguk sekali sekala
Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,
Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,
Hello , owlies ! I'm back , as promised . Hmm if you read my previous blog post , I did mention about that I have back to therapy now . I just had my first session last Tuesday . I felt very nervous the moment I woke up on that day . I even skipped my lunch and attended the session with empty stomach .
The session started with I was asked to answer DASS test , sure not a new thing to me . The result was as expected too in which I got maximum mark for Depression and Anxiety . Meanwhile the mark for Stress showed as less severe , neared to medium level . Here , the real therapy session begun .
The session lasted for about an hour and half . There was no moment my eyes didn't holding back tears yet the tears eventually fell . I was choking in between words I tried to utter . There were times silence lingered in the room but not my sobbing . Skip the long chat I had with the therapist , here in my tonight's post , I would like to share what did my therapist say from our first session and what I think about it , as much as I can remember .
"Saya guna term awak , (tak ada) emotional drive . Ni sebenarnya awak demotivated ." I acknowledge this opinion . This is exactly how I have been feeling for one whole year now . I can hardly feel and want to start things . I don't have desire to really chase certain things in my life . I feel stuck and don't feel like to go anywhere . I have lost my emotional drive .
"Uish , awak masak . Ni maknanya awak masih ada rasa nak give something to someone , be considerate . Ayah awak ." Here he pointed out the little good thing that I have never seen so , giving something . I have been growing the thought from time to time that I am a burden and useless , have nothing good to offer .
"Tempat tidur okay kan . Awak masih boleh tidur . (Tempat tidur) bersih ." The love-hate relationship I have with my room is endless . It is the worst and most shameful place in the house and sure I forbids anyone entrance . Only after his point , I came to realize that I still can keep my bed comfortable , still aware of my personal needs .
"Benda (motivation) ni sebenarnya mula daripada minat . Apa yang kita suka ." This is THE POINT . I am a person who does thing by emotional drive . I do things that I feel good about ; before , during , and after . What made me keep going during study ? What made me seeking job and going to work ? What made me start joining dropship ? I felt good . I liked what I do . Sadly , not anymore . Not now .
"Awak keluar ke bandar . Just untuk aktifkan sensory . Ni membantu juga . Tengok orang . Touching grass ." Sensory reactivation . My mind was clicked the moment 'sensory' was mentioned . Those little information related to mental health and nervous system I had read started appearing . Now 'touching grass' doesn't seem dull in my head . I do need to go out , even just for nothing .
"Awak ni okay . Masih okay . Awak masih ada motivation . Cuma kena polish lagi ." Really ? I'm not as brave as I used to anymore . I feel fear very often , most of the time . I even decided to cut ties I have for emotions and memories , out of feeling constant pain to want deep connection plus moving on from separation . Missing someone special is heartbreaking , and with that many years had passed .
"Saya cadangkan awak teruskan , buat je apa yang awak buat sekarang ." Is this okay ? The way he said the line was quite comforting , as if these little things I have done which never feel enough to me and made me ask my worth , are actually helping in someway . Is this really okay ? I am struggling to feel such , yet I am still wise to agree . I still can do .
"Session kita ni tak payah formal . Santai je ." Such simple words sounded really intentional to my hearing . I started realizing how I usually functioned quite formal or half casual when I attended therapy session in the past . I tried to act friendly as if I was breaking the awkwardness I felt but actually the act was more likely one of survival mode , to not receive bad impression or cause the other feeling bad . I well known how very tall and thick my wall is .
It would be lie if I didn't have thin tears in my eyes while writing this . Remembering all this kind words I had received is like rubbing medicine on wounds . It stings and I endure the sharp , burning pain . How much hurt I have caused to myself ? How severe the wounds I carry all this time have become ? How weak and sick I am now ? I feel very sad and sorry for myself .
I wonder if I still can write in a few days later . If I still have thoughts and feelings to write about . If I still can write with proper words , without tangled thoughts . I am grateful that I still like writing , a way for me to express myself . I have left my diary unwritten for a very long time . At least , I still want to come back here and feeling the ease in my heart while writing . Until here then . Good night .
Receiving kindness can feel like burning pain while having medicine rubbing on wounds .
Bismillah . Assalamualaikum
Answering these deep questions was quite calming . The feeling I get is different unlike when answering other previous prompts . Perhaps too , I am in good condition to sort of my mind right now . I believe attended the therapy two days ago does helping too . I am grateful that the first session wasn't a bad experience .
Until here , I promise to come back here again . I just know that I am meant to write hehe . Mind to leave your sweet comment too . See you in next post , sweetie . Bye bye
