Deep Questions Prompt

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum

Hello , cute peeps ! Here me , show up with the very first post of this december haha . Today I come back with prompt thing again . The deep questions are interesting and so I would love to try answer it . To find this kind of prompt thing , you can do searching on pinterest . Quick jump , enjoy your reading !

What are really small things in life that make me happy ?

Small things in life that make me happy are when I receive simple greeting from my favorite persons such as 'good morning' or 'good night' wish . I just like it when my favorite persons show up with reminder or sign that I am still in their mind .

What is my favorite childhood memory ?

My favorite childhood memory is growing up with interest in drawing and coloring , even now . Had my father made mathematic addition and minus homework is also my favorite childhood memory . ( I didn't start my kindergarten yet at that time )

What is my least favorite movie genre and why ?

My least favorite movie genre is typical love story . Anti romantic me find the story is boring and expected . I prefer movie or series drama that serves romance as side story . Love is diverse . I am not interested to stuck at one kind .

Aside from basic necessities , what are three things I couldn't go day without ?

Three things that I couldn't go day without are breathing , music , and safest space ( of course , it is my room ) . Although I often feel unworthy to stay alive , have difficulty to breathe is still inconvenient and feel threatening . 

What is my current proudest achievement ?

I have to convince myself about this matter . My current proudest achievement is that I am back to therapy after one year and plus , surrendered to anxiety and depression that worsen day to day . I have very little courage to help myself now .

What is something about myself I think is uncommon ?

Be myself , something about myself I think is uncommon is I am not easy to follow majority and somewhat causing intentional hardship to myself . Some people will question it . I don't feel necessary to install tiktok . I don't care about missing trend . I do my laundry using hands , spend an hour in the bathroom .

What chore could I go my whole life without doing ?

I can't figure out anything to answer this question . Hmm

What would my dream vacation look like ?

The word 'dream vacation' doesn't make my mind pictures any places , but people I would love to spend quality time together . Have long casual , open , and emotional deep talk , doesn't matter where , I would be the present person .

How do I like to express my appreciation for someone ?

I am not best at expressing my appreciation for someone verbally . It always come in a form of text . It could be handwriting letter or emotional online message . Sometimes I express the appreciation using songs that make me think of them or us .

What is one thing I wish people understand about me ?

One thing I wish people understand about me is that I carry mental illness with me all the time . Sometimes I can't be functional like other normal people and need practical help . It is not special treatment that I demand , but real awareness about mental health issue .

Answering these deep questions was quite calming . The feeling I get is different unlike when answering other previous prompts . Perhaps too , I am in good condition to sort of my mind right now . I believe attended the therapy two days ago does helping too . I am grateful that the first session wasn't a bad experience .

Until here , I promise to come back here again . I just know that I am meant to write hehe . Mind to leave your sweet comment too . See you in next post , sweetie . Bye bye

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Hiccup

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Oversharing felt wrong . The more I explained , the more silly it seemed . The more words I uttered , the least I understood it myself . The more I wanted to make it clear , the least I believed my own words . Every word that came out from my mouth was accompanied by mocking giggle and crowd noises in my head . I couldn't hear myself and both of my auditory and visual senses were messed up . The message I wanted to deliver , the conversation I wanted to make , everything just didn't feel right .

Yet , not sharing anything felt wrong too . The more I tried to silent my thoughts , the more often it would reappeared . The more I pent up my thoughts and feelings to myself , the heavier both of my head and heart felt . Even writing it down was just a temporary relief . Later on , the same thoughts would came back and messed up with me again . It was very frustrating up to painful that I could feel the killing tension around my head . My respiratory system felt narrow as well as many small pricking on my chest .

Speaking up was a great torture , every time . Spilling out overwhelming thoughts and feelings was like be forced to vomit while had my throat choked at the same time . The hiccup I made wasn't like some common sobbing . I felt like a blunt object was hitting my jugular notch repetitively , every hit was deep . I had my chest and lungs feeling acute pain . My hands were trembling terribly , as if receiving constant electric shot . I had my eyes closed , feeling the pain and shock all over my body , in dark blank .

Despite have such deep awareness about my condition , the war I have with self stigma is still going on endlessly . It's embarrassing that I express how weak I can be , while others seem confront it all fine . It's embarrassing that I express how much pain I have to take , while others have theirs untold and normalized . It's embarrassing that I express myself the way I am , while others carry themselves like proud blooming flowers . It's embarrassing that self stigma still winning .

I feel like shit . I think like shit . But my body still has me
in between denial and reality check .

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Nighttime

Moonlight doesn't lie
It shines passed my soul
Now I see sadness in my heart
Thought my mind is peaceful
Thought I am healing
Until nighttime speaks up for me

Moonlight doesn't lies
Struggling to live , to not even die
I breathe grief , left hollow and empty
No , I shouldn't waste my tears
For tomorrow , my smile is needed

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May Ever

Ever you seen the unseen ?
Ever you heard the far scream ?
As silhouette turns shadowless
As darkness breathes hollow
What is behind may voice a call

Ever skin slipped between creeks ?
Ever fear blushed two cold cheeks ?
As wind whispers by the closed windows
As curtain spreads to not reveal
What is ahead may brings deadly ill

Ever pain incited dwell ?
Ever shame stained with blame ?
As lungs frozen by night air
As eyes open after slumber
What is here may not leaving ever

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Quiet Character

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .

[ Another messy , mix up rant . Anyway , happy reading ! ]

I copied a lot of things from observing people while growing up and becoming adult . I copied how to be friendly , let people feel less awkward when they are with me . Especially , when we are yet familiar with each other . I copied how far I'm allowed to tease someone with some silly jokes , let the person smile without feeling down about themselves . I copied how rude I can be , the bare minimum just enough to relieve myself alone . I copied how to show affection and expression , almost like fictional character but I never lie about how I feel .

I copied a lot of things those I received least while growing up and becoming adult . I made myself into puppet yet seems alive . At some point , I let people played with me less from time to time . Later then , I played a character myself and interacted with them . Unfortunately , there is one thing I'm still failed to copy called sympathy , even though I'm made with built-in hypersensitive empathy .

I also analyzed a lot of things those I experienced from and with people at first time and a few times later . I analyzed the effects of those experiences to myself . How do I feel about it ? What does my mind says about it ? Should I adjust it or just simply copy it as it is ? How do I want to feel about it ? How can I convey similar good energy to the other ? Or maybe , should I won't let myself to experience it again ?

Realizing how very unexpressive I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very deep the roots have reached underneath don't make me feel good . Realizing how my thoughtful mind and informative speech are dysfunctional when I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very unfriendly and affectionless I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how I internalize to put all the blames on myself about don't make me feel good .

I'm too early yet adult enough (maybe) to think about parenting and childhood trauma . Perhaps , I'm just redirecting my overwhelming personal grief , turn it into something that it's not all about me but us . Perhaps too , my empathy is restless from not doing anything under act of rescue (as if) , even though it may not makes anything becomes better . Or I'm just clueless yet nosy .

Not all quiet children are just quiet . Not all quiet children are just well behaved . They cry soon after they're born . They throw tantrums out of feeling stress and angry . They make sounds and pronounce words soon when they able to . They are hyperactive that even adults can't match with the energy . Formerly , children aren't make to be quiet because their whole system is progressing and developing . Quiet children should have their own way to be expressive , accompany by adults . Quiet is loud too . 

Have you started wondering why some children are quiet and well behaved ? Have you started wondering what quiet children have in their mind ? Good adults are not perfect . Good adults make mistake . Good adults miss many steps . Good adults may not seen as such by children and it remains unsaid by them . Good adults won't ever get to hear it at all when quiet children started have their own personality and ways of thinking . Quiet children won't ever speak again .

Why we stop listening to children once they can speak clearly , unlike before ?

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