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I'm the mistress, Farahin.
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Childhood Prompts

Posted by ELFarahin | On September 26, 2024 | | 1 comment:

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .


Hello , peeps ! Afternoon , everyone . Dah lama sangat tak ke sini kan . Rindu rindu rindu rindu . Have my fingers dancing on the keyboard memang tak pernah tak satisfying . Teringin nak post satu kali after lama menghilang but I'm not sure nak tulis apa . Bukan tak ada idea tapi banyak sangat kata-kata yang tak terluah di kepala . Jadinya Farahin decide to come back with journal prompts ! Hehe


What made me doubting myself as a kid ?

Be laughingstock because of my look .


Who was the first person who made I feel insecure ?

Teacher .


Letter to my parent with everything I want to say to them

I have lots to say but let's just skip this .


What is something my younger self would be surprised about me now ?

I have interest in science (even though I didn't excel the subject at school and I hated it during primary school lol)


What was one time I remember feeling wronged as a child ? How did I react ? Has this affected me in adulthood ? If so , how ?

Teacher be sarcastic about my hair which I decorated with colorful little clips , in front of whole class . I felt ashamed and stopped decorating my hair , from simple ponytail everyday to slowly wearing tudung out of feeling uncomfortable about my hair . Adult me rarely wear female clothes , don't do make up , not fond of jewelries and accessories , feel uncomfortable to wear such things for a long time in public . I love my gender natural style but I'm aware that there is unpleasant root about it too .


What did my childhood me need the most ?

Emotional support .


What was I like as a child ?

It's hard to elaborate this , my mind starts throwing mess . I skip .


Is there a part of my childhood self I've lost touch with and want back ?

Skip .


What would I tell a younger version of yourself ?

Not now . Skip .


Which part of my childhood trigger me ? Why ?

7 to 11 years old - Bully , 15 to 17 years old - Relationship issue , 19 to 20 years old - Adjustmet disorder (undiagnosed) , 23 to 25 years old - Severe mental illness . Now , that's very TMI .


Pheww I knew this would be deep and challenging to my mind and heart , yet I picked it anyway . Dah tak kuat nak tulis long closing . Apapun , thank you for your time and visit ! I appreciate that you still noticed this blog . See ya again .



Your mistake stays in your past . But it stays in my  present .
Don't let your child repeats the same mistake , millenials . Please .





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Overshadowed Self Awareness

Posted by ELFarahin | On March 31, 2024 | | 2 comments:

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

It's sad that school didn't make us learn about how to take care ourselves. How to love ourselves. It was always about people. How to make your elders proud. How to not make people giving you side eye. How to not waste teachers' efforts. We learned about communication. But solely for people and with people only. Some of us agreed that teachers won't be able to teach us everything. I agreed a part of this opinion. However, we spent 8 to 10 hours at school and very little time at home, minus our bed time. Yet at the end of day, all failures and mistakes became our responsibilities. Whatever the lacks we had, became our burden alone.

As we were growing up, we tended to solve everything alone. Thinking to ourselves all the time. Speaking to ourselves and mistook it as high self esteem. Practicing self teach and mistook it as credibility. Whatever the unmet needs we had, we worked to earn it alone. School educated as to how to connect with people. Put us into groups of 2 to 6 tables. The introverts struggled to socialize but somehow kind of succeeded anyway. The extroverts enjoyed the moment. The ambiverts had chance to be flexible. Yes, we didn't learn how to connect with ourselves. It was always about satisfying people's expectations. We became more and more aware of people's opinions and judgments until the chance to build self awareness and boundary was overshadowed completely.

By year 2011, we had to adjust ourselves with digital world. From socializing all the way to browsing knowledge. In between, we happened to get distracted with virtual fun. Bit by bit, our personal unmet needs were satisfied due to the huge social circle and unlimited knowledge. Now self taught became more interesting and deeper than it used to. We became least dependent and we felt good about it. Unknowingly, actually we were suppressing the overwhelming dissatisfaction to the point we happened to acquire wider knowledge about self awareness and well beings. Event that, by ourselves.

We were amazed about discovering more and more unexpected awareness from digital world. Some matters made us feel related and mutual. We started recognizing the overwhelming suppressed dissatisfactions. We recognized the flood and cracking tanks. We recognized failures and mistakes in ourselves which parts of those weren't completely our faults. We became more and more aware of what's going on with ourselves. The tendency to cope and survive by our own efforts became more intense, didn't matter the how, as long as we walked out alive. In the process, the up and down of our anxiety had us on roller coaster all the time. Sometimes the rail was fine to ride on, however the anxiety about what's ahead was irresistible.

Yes, we would be fine. It was just a roller coaster. It was just a game of life. Sometimes we enjoyed the flow and other times we almost threw up and gave up. We laughed, cried, and screamed with people who were on the seats but not really felt connected in any way. From least dependent to loneliness. Long time ago, we felt good about discovering self awareness. We felt encouraged to make it work. But now, the page had turned over. Long time ago, we stopped the flood the flood went nowhere because we might just patched the cracking tanks. The spills was still going on but in very unnoticeable drops. The increasing self awareness was taken as as massive mess.

We were helpless because we didn't know how to ask for help. We were alone because we had always been that way. This time, we took longer time to cope and survive the continuous anxiety. The adventures and challenges were never like previous ones. The unfamiliarity were distressing and in the worst case, we started feeling to run away from everything. The past, the present, and the future. We started romanticizing death as the greatest sacrificial and sign of love. The more efforts we put to survive this struggles, the tighter the strangle with felt. The flood was still there. But now we started drowning into it.

Oh the darkness underneath was relieving. Because we couldn't see anything. Everything that had occupied us inside and out all this time for a very very long period, was now completely gone. Although we had to hold our breath, somehow it was worthy. Remember? Didn't matter the how, as long as we made out alive. The contra of perception was extremely extra destroying. Now, alive meant dying quietly. We found relief in pain. Might it be just in mind and heart or inflicted physically. Pain just felt good.

Time passed as we barely recognized the sunrise and sunset while drowning deeper into darkness. Until suddenly, the unexpected occurrence happened. The reflex of our physical to breathe again, how the system was triggered and recognized that it wasn't time to die yet. We started swimming to the surface with our weak legs. Unfortunately, we were already too deep beneath the flood. We saw the glimpse of light but it was unreachable. We pondered about giving up while our lungs were flooded yet we were still trying to reach the light. The helplessness forced us to ask for help. But who could listened anyway?

No one knew we were drowning deep down here. No one knew our painful stories. No one knew the struggles and strangles we had to endure all this time. We never let anyone knew because that was how we used to survive. Because we weren't taught about taking care ourselves, but other people. We were excellent at self dependent. Now - how would we survived and escaped this very unknown and endless deep darkness?






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Romantic Parade

Posted by ELFarahin | On March 24, 2024 | | No comments:

Fall in love , you will be happy
Have a man , fall into his arms
Dive into romance , make way to dais
I see they cheer for drama and love line
They can't tell that shattered heart is mindless

They can't see my red tomato nose
I find joy dancing in my fancy costume
Celebrate my own romantic parade
No man , no harm
Long dive into colorful misery

I see they cheer for drama and love line
They can't tell I am into patching torn mind
They can't see my red tomato nose
I find joy dancing in my fancy costume
Rolling dice and accepting defeats

Celebrate my own romantic parade
Lonely circus , the clown is always sad
I see they cheer for drama and love line
I have long dive into colorful misery
No one can tell about the fortunate ending








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Psyche

Posted by ELFarahin | On March 24, 2024 | | No comments:


Gravity is in disarray
Sanity is floating away
Gazing into endless void
Psyche is dismantling
Too shy to cry
Too dry to scream
Sight turns blind again
Mind is going insane
Gazing into endless void
Sanity is floating away
Gravity is in disarray





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Blog Renamed

Posted by ELFarahin | On February 03, 2024 | | 4 comments:

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

Hello, owlies ! Hello, february ! Tengah malam jugalah nak menaip kan. Well siang tadi dah terlelap. Memang lambat lagilah nak lelap jawabnya. Inshaallah post kali ni pun tak panjang mana. Ringkas ringkas saja. You know, just nak buat petanda tuan blog masih aktif, hidup bernyawa, cuma kerap menghilang sampai sebulan dua lamanya. Haa gituu haha.

Jadi tajuk post kali ni 'Blog Renamed'. Terang lagi jelas. Yaa Farahin dah renamed nama blog ya. Agaknya yall kenal lagi tak blog ni? Farahin cuma tukar nama je tau. Rupanya masih sama. Cuma siang tadi sempatlah tambah itu ini sikit sikit. Yaa ini blog yang sebelumnya titled 'Super Junior.ENT'. Farahin dah renamed kepada 'D I S T R I C T ' 1 5' ya.

Dulunya semangat kpop masih meraksasa. Since high school lagi. Sekarang dah makin jarang layan kpop. Group kpop yang gen-z pun mostly tak kenal. Era kpop Farahin terhenti dalam era rookie Stray Kids dan segolongannya, I guess. Jadi tiba dah kot masanya kite move on daripada 'Super Junior.ENT'. Tapi sentimental value masih ada ya. Ringkasannya, '15' stands for '15 members of Super Junior' dan 'District' tu simply says 'This is my little free zone/area'. Okey ke? Hehe

Tadi Farahin ada mentioned siang tadi ada tambah itu ini sikit kat blog kan? Ada nampak navbar kat atas tu? Moganya tak krik krik dah cbox Farahin. Farahin agak yall tak perasan icon cbox sebelum ni. So now Farahin replaced je semua icon dengan text. Dipersilakan sangat tinggalkan link blog ya. Kat Mister Linky pun jangan lupa.

Selain navbar, nampak tak widget kecik cumil kat hujung belah kiri blog? Sebelum ni pun memang dah ada. Baru juga. Tapi masa Farahin edit siang tadi I made mistake dah dua ketul tu menghilang. Ni baru letak semula. Sukalah Farahin nak share dari mana Farahin dapat dua widget ni. Yall boleh klik Online User dan Hit Counter. No worry. Benda free. Simply select and copy+paste code je.

Nak jadikan dua widget tu stay kat hujung blog atau web macam Farahin? Bolehhh. Meh Farahin open short tutorial. Tibeeee je kan. But why not. Benda mudah. Bawah ni code yang Farahin guna.


<!-- BEGIN: Powered by Supercounters.com -->

<div style="position:fixed;bottom:0;left:0;margin-left:10px;margin-bottom:6px;"><script type="text/javascript" src="//widget.supercounters.com/ssl/online_t.js"></script><script type="text/javascript">sc_online_t(1684675,"Online","170ddb");</script><br /><noscript><a href="https://www.supercounters.com/">supercounters.com</a></noscript><script type="text/javascript" src="https://freehitcounters.org/count/drk9"></script><br />

 <a href='https://www.easybooking.eu/'>Easybooking.eu</a> <script type='text/javascript' src='https://www.whomania.com/ctr?id=58a53c28284eace33751dee4983be359de47bea9'></script>

</div>

<!-- END: Powered by Supercounters.com -->


Remark :

Purple - Original code ada <center> dan </center>. Yall gantikan dengan code yang Farahin share.

Green - Code Online User. Copy paste je code online user bulat bulat.

Pink - Code Hit Counter. Sama. Copy paste code Hit Counter yang yall dah generate.


Follow and copy+paste je bulat bulat. Nak tahu Farahin biasa dapat tutorial dari mana? Berkat didikan lecturers masa study dulu, Farahin dah biasa bergurukan W3Schools. Sesiapa yang macam dah ada minat-minat kecik nak try alam programming atau nak study sains komputer someday, mungkin boleh godeh godeh web ni. Memang khas untuk programmer. Terutamanya beginner. Tapi rasanya expert pun guna kot. Learning is a process after all.

Tadi angannya nak tulis ringkas ringkas je. Sudahnya panjang berperenggan juga. Tahu je lah seketul blogger ELFarahin ni kan. Okeylah. Dah sedor diri tu, dah tentu sedor nak tutup post. Apapun, sekali lagi Farahin nak menjemput yall tinggalkan jejak di cbox dan mister linky. Feel free to navigate around okey. It's 'D I S T R I C T ' 1 5' yall. Until here then. Jumpa di lain post nanti. Night night





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