False Expectation

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, readers! How're you today?

Fuh fuh tiup sikit blog ni.

Dah lama sangat, dah jarang sangat buka blog

sejak balik dari kampus and now I'm on my deferment period.

Ngam je dengan Movement Restricted Operation and Covid-19 sekarang.

Well, stay at home has been always my best hobby lol.

Okey. Let's go straight to the written title. False expectation. Apa korang fikirkan bila baca tajuk ni? It's okay if there is nothing going on in your mind right now. Let's go through this post word by word. Maybe, paragraph by paragraph? Are you ready?

Have you ever received any compliment? It may sounds like, "You're pretty", "You're a clever person", "You're very hardworking", and something similar to those. Ada sesiapa yang tak suka dipuji ke? I believe sesiapa pun mesti suka. Termasuklah yang down to earth type. Tapi, have you, pernah tak, ada masanya korang rasa tertekan, terkilan, dengan pujian yang diberikan?

Based on my personal experience and perspective, one of the causes kita kerap rasa tertekan, bimbang, dan mungkin hampir jatuh ke lembah kemurungan adalah kerana misconception, tersalah sangka dan kefahaman, terhadap pujian itu sendiri. Ask ourselves, pernah ke kita tak terfikir yang "orang kata(puji) aku macam ni" jadi "aku mesti macam ni dan jadi macam ni"?

Okey. Here is the twist. Don't confuse compliment as expectation. Compliment is not expectation. Compliment is another language or act of love. Compliment is not request to be fulfilled but gift to be appreciated. Not debt to be paid too. Compliment doesn't define who you are. Who we are. Compliment is an example of good judgement from a person to a person. Compliment is not expectation.

Misconception. Salah faham. Salah anggap. I experience this misconception too. This misconception may causes us to doubt ourselves. Fear of to not meeting those compliments that are given to us. As if they are debts to be paid. Until then, we exhaust our energy more than we have to fulfill this False Expectation we create for ourselves.

Actually, it's all matters of perspective. Bukannya look at the bright side. Not toxic positivity. Not denying negativity. Tapi lihat sesuatu dari sudut atau perspektif yang berbeza. Positif dan tidak(mungkin kurang) membinasakan. Negatif dan dipelajari untuk diolah, diuli, dibentuk menjadi sesuatu yang lebih baik.

I think circle is my most favorite shape. Mungkin ada kaitannya juga dengan how I love cute things. Even bubbles lol. But something uniques about circle is, ianya kelihatan seperti tiada sudut. Tetapi hakikatnya juga, ianya melingkungi sudut 360 darjah. Bayangkan kita berada di dalam sebuah bulatan. Berdirilah di mana-mana lingkungan bulatan itu, adakah mungkin kita tetap melihat sesuatu itu sama semuanya?

Apapun, tak kira apa dan bagaimana kita menerima dan menganggap pujian yang diberikan kepada kita, suka Farahin nak kongsikan peringatan ini, untuk diri Farahin dan semua yang membaca, it's okay, tidak apa kalau kita tidak memenuhi pujian-pujian yang diberikan. Jangan susahkan diri. Sakitkan diri. Musnahkan diri.

Ulangan, pujian bukan pengharapan. Bukan beban. Bukan tanggungjawab. Bukan hutang. Pujian adalah hadiah tanda sayang dan menghargai. Pujian adalah perspektif baik orang lain terhadap kita. Bukannya perspektif kita terhadap diri kita. Ianya lebih wajar disyukuri daripada digendung separuh mati.

You know what? I love this good part of my brain. Mind twister. It's both tricky and fun. It makes me feel connected to myself. My inside and outside. However, what I've been noticed almost this one year as mental illness patient is my brain won't play this game when it's unhealthy. So I'm glad to share, I'm in good condition as I'm writing this hehe. For me. For you. For us.

Until here, I end this post.

Thank you for spending your time

reading my long nags and brags.

See you in next post.

xoxo =)

There is nothing called look at the bright side
but better self-benefit perspective.

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No More Major Depressive Disorder

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're you? It's already midnight so I'll make a quick writing because I need to wake up very early. Why? Maybe I will write about it later. But tonight, I just want to update a thing about my life. It has been 7 months since I've been diagnosed as mental illness patient. The road was mostly difficult and bad. Yet, Alhamdulillah I made it this far. All the pain, scream, cry, they were worthy. So I love to remind you, it's okay to not be okay. We're just human trying to be more human than some kind of production machine.

Okay. Continue. 7 months ago, I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder. The signs were very obvious and strong that I ended up deferred my study. Last month, end of January, I was no more a MDD patient yet diagnosed with Bipolar Type 2. After 2 weeks, and three days ago, I was diagnosed with another different mental illness named Bipolar Mood Disorder Type 2. I still not doing my little homework about my current illness and that's it. I'm no more MDD. I still had depression sometimes but mood swing came more often, including anxiety. However, it seems that recently I've been making improvement on how to control this disorder emotion better.

The road is still long ahead. Even though I'm almost blind about something that human used to call future. In present, I'm doing okay now. It has been 1 month and plus I didn't turn on my laptop. Now seconds I turned it on, I cannot help to not write something on my beloved blog. To you followers, thank you for still following this blog. To viewers, I see you even though I don't know you. Thank you for passing by and stay for awhile.

Until here, I end my post for tonight.

Oh! Almost forget, late greeting to february lol.

See you in later post. Goodnight! xoxo =)

Life may drives us apart but not our heart and memories.

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Life

turn my back from the light

the sad melody keeps on playing

no tears to my eyes

no scream to my cry

had i lost what i lost

had they gone no matter what the cost

this adventure challenges me to kill

no blade slashes and blood splashes

yet the uncountable death remains

and it is renamed to life.

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Bleed

if i bleed myself

overflowed red liquid

running down my skin

if i bleed myself

it is not blood but anguish

crawling out my cold body

if i bleed myself

still it is not the end

because you are here to spend

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Twenty Twenty

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people ! How are you ?

How was your first day of 2020 ?

Mine was still as ordinary as usual.

I just finished all last six episodes of anime

Demon Slayers Kimetsu No Yaiba this evening lol.

However, I don't think I'm finished sending my farewell to 2019.

There were a lot of things happened in my 2019, both good and bad. I think it was the longest year I ever had. Half of it was overflowed with hellish feeling, both physically and mentally. I almost attempted suicide yet fortunately only ended up cutting my wrist. Next, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Then, I made decision to defer my study. I had lost too much. I lost my mind and sane. I lost most of my time to depression. I lost myself too. Even things that I actually never had, called future. Things had been very difficult and exhausting.

However, despite of all the lost, I also gained a few other things, good things. I found some other sides of me, as well as people around me. I also found a few new people. Some of them made me feel enchanted to get a little bit closer, while the rest caused me to draw thicker borderline. When I felt like my heart was no more beating with love, someone from a very far place somehow succeed at making me to overflow my heart with love again. I'm still unable to love myself as well as this world and its people as much as before yet the love actually still there. I just know it.

Following all cries and screams, I am also actually overflowing with feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness. At first, I thought 2019 was such a breaking point for me. Yet later I noticed it was indeed a breaking point and also a turning point for me. I have neither spirit nor courage but only prays to keep me going. Even now a year had actually passed, I still don't know who and what actually am I. Not to say about the tomorrow and day after too. But I'm sure enough that things are changing. I'm still insanely changing. I cannot even say that I am not both nervous and super anxious. But I'll try to make it through from a day to day. As simple as just lying breathing and say bismillahi wa lillahi taala.

Last but not least, I love to send my big big thanks to all prays and supports that were sent to me. I have nothing great unlike others to repay all those goods but only a pray for all to be always blessed and loved by Lord, more and more than you're having it right now. Thank you for coming, staying, and leaving. Thank you for making me learn and earn. Thank you for just been there. Alhamdulillah. Farewell, 2019. And hello 2020!

Sometimes what has been lost is no more necessary to be found.
Sometimes what does stay and come is worth more to be nurtured.

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