Life

turn my back from the light

the sad melody keeps on playing

no tears to my eyes

no scream to my cry

had i lost what i lost

had they gone no matter what the cost

this adventure challenges me to kill

no blade slashes and blood splashes

yet the uncountable death remains

and it is renamed to life.

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Bleed

if i bleed myself

overflowed red liquid

running down my skin

if i bleed myself

it is not blood but anguish

crawling out my cold body

if i bleed myself

still it is not the end

because you are here to spend

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Twenty Twenty

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people ! How are you ?

How was your first day of 2020 ?

Mine was still as ordinary as usual.

I just finished all last six episodes of anime

Demon Slayers Kimetsu No Yaiba this evening lol.

However, I don't think I'm finished sending my farewell to 2019.

There were a lot of things happened in my 2019, both good and bad. I think it was the longest year I ever had. Half of it was overflowed with hellish feeling, both physically and mentally. I almost attempted suicide yet fortunately only ended up cutting my wrist. Next, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Then, I made decision to defer my study. I had lost too much. I lost my mind and sane. I lost most of my time to depression. I lost myself too. Even things that I actually never had, called future. Things had been very difficult and exhausting.

However, despite of all the lost, I also gained a few other things, good things. I found some other sides of me, as well as people around me. I also found a few new people. Some of them made me feel enchanted to get a little bit closer, while the rest caused me to draw thicker borderline. When I felt like my heart was no more beating with love, someone from a very far place somehow succeed at making me to overflow my heart with love again. I'm still unable to love myself as well as this world and its people as much as before yet the love actually still there. I just know it.

Following all cries and screams, I am also actually overflowing with feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness. At first, I thought 2019 was such a breaking point for me. Yet later I noticed it was indeed a breaking point and also a turning point for me. I have neither spirit nor courage but only prays to keep me going. Even now a year had actually passed, I still don't know who and what actually am I. Not to say about the tomorrow and day after too. But I'm sure enough that things are changing. I'm still insanely changing. I cannot even say that I am not both nervous and super anxious. But I'll try to make it through from a day to day. As simple as just lying breathing and say bismillahi wa lillahi taala.

Last but not least, I love to send my big big thanks to all prays and supports that were sent to me. I have nothing great unlike others to repay all those goods but only a pray for all to be always blessed and loved by Lord, more and more than you're having it right now. Thank you for coming, staying, and leaving. Thank you for making me learn and earn. Thank you for just been there. Alhamdulillah. Farewell, 2019. And hello 2020!

Sometimes what has been lost is no more necessary to be found.
Sometimes what does stay and come is worth more to be nurtured.

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Disorder

Assalamualaikum..

Hello, readers!

Selamat malam semuanya? How's your day?

Malam ni Farahin nak tinggal sikit beban peribadi dekat blog.

Jemput baca!

Terasa panjang seminggu Farahin selepas balik dari appointment doktor khamis lepas. Banyak hal yang bermain di fikiran. Terlalu banyak sampai terlalu payah untuk diluahkan. Ada masanya rasa terlalu berat untuk terus dibiarkan tapi diri pula tak rasa cukup kuat untuk kemaskan mana yang perlu serta buang mana yang patut. Jadinya dari fikiran menular sehingga ke perasaan, mulalah rasa diri macam nak naik gila tapi tetap juga ternampak baring lurus di atas katil. Dipaksa diri supaya sekurangnya menangislah tapi tak juga menangis dan akhirnya tekup muka ke bantal lalu menjerit sampai tekak sakit.

Disorder, atau terjemahannya adalah 'tidak teratur'. Teringat peringatan seorang good friend "Things don't have to be always in order". Setuju. Farahin terlupa. Ada sebab sakit ni diberi nama Major Depressive Disorder. Teringat pula perkongsian awal doktor yang pertama Farahin jumpa. Beliau kata, "Depression ni semua orang ada. Tapi orang atau pesakit yang ada Major Depressive Disorder ni lain sikit." Lalu Farahin simpulkan, "Tak apa benda dah tak macam dulu. Tak apa aku dah tak macam dulu. Sebab untuk aku, kelebihan yang Allah berikan kepada aku sekarang, benda dah tak perlu ikut aturan yang macam mana manusia lain biasa lakukan."

Dalam seminggu ni banyak logik akal yang Farahin kerjakan. Salah satunya adalah aku boleh tolak mana-mana nasihat doktor yang aku tahu belum sesuai untuk aku kerjakan buat masa ini. Aku tak perlu paksa diri ikutkan semuanya sebab doktor pun bukannya kenal aku sangat. Tapi tak kira berapa kali pun logik akal beritahu hal sedemikian, logik emosi tetap menyangkal. Menguatkan lagi kesimpulan Farahin yang tadi. Disorder. Bukan disorder namanya kalau akal dan emosi aku berfungsi dengan teratur macam orang biasa.

Logik emosi Farahin kuat memberontak seminggu ni. Ada saja yang dia tak puas hati. Ada saja yang dia nak buat sakit hati. Macam biasa Farahin takkan tolak tepi tak kira apa yang dia nak bebelkan. Farahin perhati. Farahin dengar. Salah satunya adalah Farahin diberitahu "Aku tak suka bila doktor beri nasihat klise dekat aku. Aku tak suka bila doktor kata aku perlu dipastikan betul-betul sama ada aku memang betul MDD atau mungkin sebab banyak berfikir. Aku tak suka! Aku rasa macam dikatakan menipu, berpura-pura."

Perdebatan berlangsung hampir setiap hari, sepanjang masa. Setiap yang didebatkan logik akal, pasti akan dipulangkan dengan lebih emosi oleh logik emosi. Ada masanya Farahin boleh hadapkan perdebatan ni sambil bergelak layankan anime Kimetsu No Yaiba atau drama Joy Of Life bila Farahin ada tenaga fizikal dan mental lebih. Dan ada masanya Farahin bergulung macam ulat atas tilam dengan mata yang sekejap basah sekejap kering semula tapi tak menangis juga. Kepala dan dada rasa ketat dan sempit. Nafas rasa pendek. Belakang badan rasa berat dan tegang.

Inilah antara contoh situasi pesakit Major Depression Disorder. Sakit yang tak nampak di pandangan mata biasa. Malah yang pesakit ni pun tak nampak sebenarnya. Rasa sakit tu sudah tentu ada. Tapi diri sendiri pun tak tahu nak calit ubat dekat mana. Tak sama dengan luka fizikal. Ini luka emosi. Luka yang banyakya tidak dirawat dan dijaga dengan betul sebaliknya ditahan selagi boleh dan disorok sehingga membusuk. Teringat masa minggu orientasi awal masuk universiti. Farahin terjatuh masa aktiviti larian dan luka sikit dekat lutut. Bila Farahin kata dekat rescue team "Eh! Sikit je. Tak payahlah ambulan." Lalu Farahin dipulangkan dengan ayat yang begini "Mana boleh. Luka kecil pun patut cuci biar tak ada jangkitan kuman." Jadinya Farahin cuma mampu sengih dan ucapkan terima kasih.

If I choose to not keep holding on, my everyday would be daily break down.

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Balloon

[click image to listen the poem's inspiration]

Cannot hold it anymore

A balloon attached to a string

Tied to my hand wherever I've been

Cannot hold it anymore

The burdening feelings have me unstable

A loop of emptiness in my head is unstoppable

Thought I would have to let go

Turn away and just go

Because I cannot hold it anymore

Cannot hold it anymore

Cries shatter as I undone the knot

To a still pole a balloon is now tied to

I don't have to hold it anymore

Wait and I promised will be back

Take care and watch my back.

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