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Selamat malam, semua! Esok isnin, mesti dah siap-siap nak tidur kan. Tak apa. Have a good rest. Esok atau bila-bila boleh singgah baca late night post ni hehe. Nothing much pun. Just my personal life sharing hehe.

I did mentioned in a previous post that my pill dose has been reduced to two pills per night. In the first week, I experienced hypomania dan depression period. Of course. It was a short days been in an empty hell. So related to the title, yes I was "drugged".

What's the proof? The sudden change in my pill dose gave a shock to my brain. To put it simply based on my very little knowledge (even though I'm a patient hehe), the chemicals and nerves of my brain usual routine were disturbed. As the effects, I experienced hypomania and depression after long without one.

For those who never aware of term of hypomania, it's one of my biggest symptoms as Bipolar Mood Disorder 2 (BMD2) patient. There could be a period that I can exhaust myself because I'm too active that even sleep can't bother me. In my case, it's usually last for 3 days follows by depression that last for 3 days as well. However, since the last one, I don't encounter with another. Alhamdulillah.

Back to my effected brain, the shock its experienced was the proof that my brain did reacted to the medication which in this case, it was a good sign to me. Stigma would say, I think your signs are getting worst. Does the pills even helping? Well, I understand what this stigma stands for. Concerns. Worries. Anxious. However, this is all based on outer observation. To break this stigma, you need to know what's actually happening, the causes of this look. Reactive brain means it's still treatable.

Since the ill brain of mental illness exact condition is impossible to be determine (there is the technology but that's super super hi-tech), to detect its work is all based on patient condition in all cases of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. In this "drugged" post, I could say pain is one of the treatments. Not trying to afraid you. But you know my writing style, I luffff metaphore lol.

If there is pain, then of course there is painless. Either good or bad signs, they are all considered to treat the patient. Since I acknowledged my mental illness, I've been more aware how wise it is to acknowledge both good and bad. Yes, it's not easy and very difficult, very painful. But like what those "good vibe" people used to say, Nothing is impossible.

It's actually funny to me. When it comes to pursue the "good vibe", everything becomes POSSIBLE. Yet when it comes to I think I'm sick. I think I want to meet a psychiatrist. anything relate to it becomes IMPOSSIBLE. People is indeed talented at making jokes lol. No matter how tight you close your eyes, whatever is there is there. Never disappear. I know you still can hear and feel it. Maybe even smell and touch it.

Medication does has the effects. Not only for mental illness patients but all. Else, what's the use? But in this post, of course, it's bias on me, the patient and mental illness. The pill I'm taking is named Lamotrigine, 100mg per night. It's not an antidepressant but mood stabilizer. Stigma may says, they are all just epilepsy. You're right. They are Epilepsy. But that's their parent.

Since there is parent, then surely there is children, also children's of children, and the list continues as long as our super doctors love their research and keep doing it. Also with the help of real specimens, the patients. Sounds bad? Yes. It's a jihad. So people would have less risk to encounter mental illness, treatment in shorter period, better medicines with better effects, better therapy, better doctors, more stigma breakers, healthier society, etc. After all, we are the "good vibe" people.

Stigma may asks, since when mental illness becomes fashionable? Oh, yes. Some of us wear it proudly. We make runaway wherever we walk in and out around the hospital area. Our stage names are Survivor and Fighter. We have bags of colorful pills. Unlike other models with doll-like look, we even walk and pose while crying, frantic, trembling, screaming, shouting, laughing, anything that is even impossible to you. Now, watch us and learn about mental illness.

When I say learn, I don't expect anything 100%. It's all enough you learn about your loved ones. Even for those with great wellness. Including yourself. In this case, it's more like learn the importance of mental health. Some cases, it's nothing like no patience or too weak spiritually. It's the environment, life experiences, diet, and the brain growth itself.

Patience is out of discussion when pressures come from all directions. Even someone with great patience may feel fear, stressed, angry, sad, and more feelings that we tend to ignore forsake to pursue "good vibe". Human need shelter which that also stands for protection and security. In what form? Support, assistance, help, company, empathy.

Hmm. What I'm writing again? lol. It's 12:13 am, at this line. I think it's right to end it here. I'm doing fine. I do get emo sometimes but not too long. Oh! Soon it'll be my 1st birthday as mental illness patient. I made it far. I don't know where I'm heading to and it's hard for me to decide. But I'm sure that I've leaved a lot of footprints around. Either they are overlaps on each other or not, well that's the effort, the smallest I can do. Good night. See you in later post.

"Chill. Let bygone be bygone. Stop overthinking."
"I know. I'm trying."
"You sure?"
"I meet psychiatrist every month and take pills every night."
"That's impressive. You do it right. Take your time. I root for you."


Be In Someone's Shoes

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Be in someone's shoes. It's an idiom that is synonym to put yourself in someone's situation. But do you know what's funny here? For me, be in someone's shoes is a ridiculous idea because it is actually impossible. We're all have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. To fit in doesn't seem right. However, this idiom has been used a lot when we try to urge someone to show their empathy. Yes. I don't know how should I write this but this is what I want to share today, Empathy.

Empathy is nothing like two-ways sharing or exchanging. It's not a business or deal making. It's not negotiating but comforting. It's a one-sided give and take without any special returns. Empathy is when you're present, and learn about someone's situation. You use your brain more than your mouth. You trash your comparing attitude and recycle your long abandon understanding skill. You ask your doubts and don't make blunt assumptions. Your advice is needed only when it's requested.

Where to start? Since be in someone's shoes is impossible, we can have a look and do an observation on them. How's the pair doing? How much damage they got? How about the insole? The heel? The snapped and loosed stitches? How about the front part? How do they look to you? Put a few of your toes inside them, how do they feel like? This is you giving your best attention. And whenever you feel like maybe you see a few things wrongly, you ask to confirm. Be present and listen. Be curious and ask more.

Empathy wants you to communicate less and listen more. Don't interrupt the owner when they are telling things about their shoes. Don't rephrasing things that have been told with you rephrasing your personal experience like, "I went through this too...". Don't talk about your shoes. The only shoes in this topic is theirs. I repeat. We have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. Shoes are shoes but between ours there is no duplication. We called it similar but never be same.

Does giving opinions is forbidden? Of course, not. But in case of empathy, you have to make sure the other party willing to be given and receive opinions. How to know? Simple. You ask. Can I give you my opinion? Would you like to hear my advice? Is it okay for me to speak my mind? Oh! Don't expect what's received won't be rejected or returned. Don't be dejected. They have their right. Control your responds and keep yourself calm.

I think "be patient." is mostly used in a serious deep talk. However, be careful. Because by using this phrase, it can be you rephrasing what have been told. Empathy doesn't always favor this phrase. Empathy acknowledge everyone's patience regarding how old, big, or high it is. Empathy wants you to support that exhausted patience. How? Either you noticed it or not, you already do the basic one. Listen and pay attention to them. People need to feel appreciated to cheer them up. Make them feel seen. Indeed, you're observing someone's shoes after long without any pure attention and care.

Empathy is a difficult task. You don't actually work your whole heart and soul. You work your brain too. You use your emotions to relate with theirs and your brain to estimate those emotions. Yes. Empathy talks about emotions more than experiences. We don't only talk about the damages but also the effects of damages. Because past is past but not the effects. An earthquake stopped but everything have been flopped. Ruins, death, and trauma.

To learn empathy, you may start with holding on your worst experiences and emotions that you ever faced and felt when people tell you about their hardships. Don't judge. Don't assume. Don't scold. Don't rephrasing. Remind your self, no matter what, they're having their most difficult time. You need to be patient and gentle. Ask, ask, ask before you speak. Don't beat them with your ego. No need to show off your armor. At this moment, you have no time and place to brag about yourself but them.

Since empathy is a difficult task, it is necessary for you to keep enough energy for you to support yourself and the other party. Make sure your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements are in good condition for the moment. You're about to support two bodies which the other one has exhausted its energy. During the moment, you also need to control how you save and use your energy. Stay calm and keep learning.

As you can see, or maybe not yet, empathy is all about them, them, and them. Empathy doesn't makes fair clear for you but them. Only if you let empathy plays with love and sincerity, you may feel the fairness that only you can feel. The unexpected returns; you feel present when they acknowledge your presence. You feel seen and listened when they respond to you. For some people, maybe like me, we feel re-energized and the energy we already keep to ourselves is added up. That unexpected returns.

No official greeting like usual. Anyway, Helloooo July! haha


Cyberbully Is A Crime

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Hello, readers! Here me again to speak up my mind. Yeah. I'm a coward. I'm less interested in intense argumentative conversation. That's why I write. I share my personal thoughts. Take what you want to have or you may not. Wait. What an offensive introduction. Ops!

Cyberbully is a crime. Yeah. As written above. I was instigated again with this matter. Because someone that I love is experiencing this. This time, I'm not sure if it's bigger or the biggest, but it's something different. I never know there is a thing like award to disregard someone's reputation. Wait? Do we have it too? Somewhat called The Most Controversial Celebrity? Read it again. Controversial. It's different with Popular. Maybe because I exposed myself more on positive things so I don't encounter this shitty often. Yet today, I encountered one. Accidentally.

Okay. Enough with the hate. I just vent out the main cause of what makes me sitting in front of my laptop right now. Now, let's get through the purpose of this post. It's still around the same thing. But let me take you going through a little piece of my mind. Our subject is criminals of the crime. The people who get someone bullied, spread hate, make threat, and even attempt the immorality.

So related to this matter, I've been thinking about it quite long and many times. Could it be, that some of this people are another example of people like me? Stuck in the merciless cycle of dark past. It's well known and clear to us, that they live up to hate. And I've been thinking, if they have this spacious place in their heart for hate, doesn't that means they have very little place for love? Or it could be, they actually receive very little love?

Even before this, I had this thought or more like a question just like above, do someone's bad deeds lessen the value of their lives? I mean, the life that we carry around with us while our brain and heart are still working and it won't be there anymore if one or both of them are gone. Because for me, everyone, actually everyone, deserve to feel loved and cared by others.

Hate? It's not easy to defeat. Just like how cyberbully has become this very difficult to be stopped. And when I relate it to what I've been thinking about those people, there is another way - Spread Love Not Hate. I know this sounds cliche since it has been said and mentioned around but I never gave it a deeper thought like how I'm doing right now. We need to spread more love than the hate that is made. Not only for ourselves. Not only for the victims. But also, for them who worship this rotten culture.

For me, I think I'm not often hate people but their action or behavior. Same goes with this matter. I hate what they're doing, but overall I don't hate them as human. If what I've been questioning is also its answer, from my perspective and understanding, this people need love as much as others. I don't mean to admire their bad deeds, but make them see that good deeds are still being cherish and they deserve a few of those.

Back to the merciless cycle of dark past. Look. We don't know what someone had experienced in years to decades of their life. No mention that we can't see it. We know what we know. And we don't know what we don't know. I, myself, applied this method to people around me. No one actually know all about us and it's the same case for us. So I'm thinking, what if, just like me, they are actually affected by hate for very long time and this effect urges them either to feel affected or spread the effect to others. Which later, the cycle may gets bigger and continues.

Look at my side, I do hate what people had done to me. And now, those people are leading their great life. Do I hate them? No. It's very difficult for me to make sure of this. And if I have to draw a figure or maybe figures of who I hate in my mind, then that would be those naive cheerful children in white uniform who so called classmates, schoolmates, and even the teachers. As if there is another world with me and them never get older and keep experiencing those hateful events again and again in unstoppable loop.

Yes. I am affected to my dark past. I do feel hate. It had been harvested almost two decades. The roots and thorns are embracing me and with them around me, my look is nothing less from a beast. However, because of this hate, the way I love myself and people around me are affected. I have difficulty to love myself but not people around me. I try to act kind because I know how it feels like to receive it very less, and even this can be difficult for me to do for myself. I believe no one can escape from this nature. It just happened differently. So maybe for them, they are affected to hate instead of love.

Anyway, I believe that no one can escape from wanting to be loved too. And I don't think that's wrong. What can be wrong is if we try to get that love in wrong way. And in this case, cyberbully is one of the example. You deserve love. You deserve care. But not in this way. Even if you do this for money and other big reasons, I know life can be harder than we think, I wish you know that there is still love inside you. You still can love. You can be loved. Don't hurt others and also yourselves. 

In a big picture, this life has always have two things. Right and Wrong. Options and None. But I can't spare my eyes that wide. I tend to look at this little part, and I see that this little part itself has many colors. Without this little part, would a big picture created? Sometimes, we don't have to build new routes and abandon the others. Just add some junctions or maybe traffic light or anything that could make the route safer and better. That's enough.

This matter is stressful isn't it? Plus this long long long writing from me. At least, now you know how a little part of my brain work. I believe I am a thoughtful person. And I also believe, when I push this thoughtful behavior to its maximum, I can be extremely overthinking. Then, that may causes me to fall ill. Anxious. Depressed. Moody. After all, I have an ill brain. It's called Bipolar Mood Disorder 2, in case you're curious for those who don't know yet.

Shall I conclude it now? I think so. First, spread more love than the hate that is made. Second, everyone deserve to be loved, like actually everyone. Third, you still can love and be loved. Don't hurt yourselves and others. Fourth, if we can remind someone to not give up on themselves, we should not give up on them too. You, bullies. I see you. I hate what you're doing but I can't bring myself to hate you.

For me, what you're doing is abuse to yourself. No. Don't repeat that cycle. You may can't stop it now. And you may learn the how. I'm a sick person, myself. I'm sick of this world too. I'm sick of human. So that's why, we may heal ourselves. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Get love if you can't love yourselves. But not in this way. There are other ways. Stop. Look around. If you can't see anything, if you can't see yourselves, you're seeing this writing. I'm sending love to you.

To you who don't feel exist, you read this is a proof you're exist. You see this is a proof you still can see something around you. You feel my writing is a proof you still can grow your feeling. You understand something from my messy writing is a proof your mind still has its sanity. You worry about my illness is a proof you value the worth of health. I'm sending love to you too.

Does it actually the matter of the bad is growing wilder?
Or it could be the good has being quieter?


Productive June

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Sad Quotes Black And White. QuotesGram
Hello, readers. How're you doing?
June is about to end yet here me writing my first post for this month.
Not actually sure what to write here. Guess, just like usual.
I'm going rant about how my life is going on.

This month is kind of difficult to describe. Many things happened. Maybe? First, about my medication. The pills are reduced from 2 and 1/2 pills to 2 pills. I'm not sure where did she (a doctor but not my usual psychiatrist) got this good idea to reduce my pills. But the last appointment I had, I had been asked to range percentage for my current condition. I actually hate this question. At some point, it made me anxious and this wasn't my first time. So I bluntly put the range - 80%. Hah! How impressive. Actually, I have been less sharing my thoughts and feelings with doctors I met during this pandemic. I just didn't had the courage and strength to be vulnerable. I only answered the basic questions and leaved.

Now, it's already my second week with this reduced medication. Unexpectedly, it seems my brain had reaction to it. During the first week, I experienced my hypomania after long not had one. Like usual, it lasted for 3 days. 3 days passed, I somewhat doing fine. But it only lasted for 2 days because later, mild depression came to me. It only lasted less than 48 hours but the feeling exactly how I used to feel when I was depressed. Almost every 10 to 20 minutes, I would had tears in my eyes. The first night when it hit, I suddenly went berserk with my long lost vulnerability. I texted my best friend who I had long not sharing anything with her. My text started with, A Letter To You.

After long not crying, no mentioned at late night, I wrote my text while crying so hard. I confessed, expressed, and shared whatever I could in my text at that time. My words were a big mess but I sent them anyway. I told her about the bad things I thought and felt as well as the good things that I tried to fight for yet I still could not escape from my own insanity. That night, I had both swollen heart and eyes. I felt pain that had not came for visit too long. The next day, the rest of my tears entertained this visitor. When night went late, only then I felt a little bit recovered.

Until today and now, I think fine is not the wrong word. Just I often running around my own feelings and thoughts in cycles like usual. Sometimes, I'm like that bulb which the light goes bright and dim almost every few minutes. It's worrisome yet still fine. Feeling confused is already my daily anthem. I can sing but not dance to it. I know what's all the mess there but I cannot figure how to tidy up or where to start yet end up feeling overwhelmed. Like right now, just a few seconds ago I took my own words seriously but later all seemed bad excuses I made to myself. Yeah. Just like that bulb I mentioned above.

Look. Know this. Some patients like me, we go up and down drastically. When we try to take it slowly, do it slowly, make it slowly, we still can't escape from the pressure. It's just like that moment we try to move forward while the strong wind is blowing towards us. But for us mental illness patients, this wind could be tornado, typhoon, mix of storm and rain, gloomy sky above with deserted land below, simply anything massive and destructive that to feel safe is like impossible. We're in survival mode, about to make something worthy, but we still feeling our life is at the last edge. The insecurity is too extreme at its maximum. We hate this word but still can't escape from it -- INSANE.

Enough. I make a long long write again.
But it feels good realizing I write this calmly
even though it is not actually match to what's inside.
In short, I'm not ruining the keyboard haha.
Until here, I end this post. See you later.
Take care. bye bye =)


I Don't Do Casual Curse

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The perfect gif to describe homework | Blue exorcist rin, Blue ...
Hello, readers! How're you doing today?
It's only a few days left before Ramadan lefts us
and Syawal is just around the corner.

I don't know how to start this post. I've been often doubting myself lately. Especially, my thoughts and decisions. The way I revise them again and again don't make me feel better yet I come to encounter some kind of mental block. Someone might noticed or never, I did published a few posts here yet later I unpublished them. No mention I often deleted and rewrote captions that I made on my socmed. This thing is indeed normal at certain level. But when it is this too often for me, I don't feel it is normal anymore. Anyway, enough with the long introduction @ confession. Let's go straight to the real content.

I don't do casual curse. People said, especially those quotes and memes shared on socmed, when you cursed at your friends casually that means you're very close to not feel hurt with each other easily. So the thing is, I don't do casual curse. So far, I don't remember I called or used bodoh, sengal, or more such words with my best friends. They might used it with each other sometimes but not when they particularly communicated with me directly. Thus, am I not close enough with my best friends?

Maybe it's because I'm the only child, unlike most people around me who might has been growing using such words with their siblings, in their casual communication. Since I have been growing in this very like individual environment, I'm not very often exposed to this behavior. I think I have been growing with self learning of how to entertain myself without someone's presence.

Besides that, it may because of my own chosen society. I have my personal standard of who and what may get through my wall. It may has something to do with mistrustful behavior. However, I think it is more sided to patience and efforts. Also, it has nothing to do with time. Likely, it is based on my how comfortable and familiar I'm with someone. It may be cliche, but the final touch is when my instinct strongly tells me that it is alright to get attach with this person and my heart will just go for it.

Wait. Don't I kind of slip from the track? So in this matter, my kind of chosen society is like "I don't mind if you do casual curse but not with me." It's like a boundary. Your good and bad are yours. It may change or not. But when I have let you into my wall, your very presence is my important subject to learn. I may accept some parts of you and I may not for the rest. Above of all, your current presence is enough for me.

I spent years to let this group of friends entitles as best friends. Yet, I only spent months to get and feel close with my roommate from last year. We do attach to each other until now, even our distance makes each other absent. And she does do casual curse. When I was with her last year, I often heard she cursed over who knew what. However, until now, she doesn't do casual curse with me. I, myself feel comfortable with it and I hope she does too.

Anyway, I'm not too kind either with words or behavior too. I have my flaws and funny sides too. I do curse but not really casual because when I do, I really mean it. I curse when I'm in very bad mood. It also happens when I'm in very bad mood and something makes me jump out of shock. My curse don't have variety at all because I only use this two words, fuck and shit. They only have one sound to pronoun. Simple yet great impact, at least for me lol.

Last paragraph. So does casual curse is the right tool to measure how close you're with your friends? Well, it may be said so. Just like those quotes and memes. But for me, in general, to measure our bond or relationship with someone is counted on how safe and good we feel when we're with that someone. Either you do casual curse with each other or not, you know what is best for your own sake.

My little pious voice tells me, it's better to not curse at all. Such useless words are pointless. Ops!

Until here, I end this post.
Hope you love this sharing.
Thank you for your time and concern.
May you're blessed with good and healthy relationship.
See you in later post! bye bye. xoxo =)

When you cannot prevent the toxic, avoid it as best as you can.



my wrist has been feeling hurt for two months. i may write more less often. anw, drop your link ok. i'll come for a short visit later. i still can do blogwalking, right hehe. oh! hellooooo august haha. -05/08/2020-