Gratitude Act

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Hello, peeps! I think I would skip the long greeting today.
Enjoy your reading time! =)

To feel grateful and have gratitude, one of the ways is to remind ourselves of others people problems rather than complaining our own. Some of us would have complains about their family matters but then they remind themselves of someone's family matters such as divorce, abuse, poverty, and death. Of course there are much more complains not only family matters but what I would like to convey here is to those people who are still using this method and it really works, you do a very good job. Not everyone can be empathy to anyone.

However, I realized that this method may not helpful to some others. I may be included. Previously, long ago this method worked like magic and blessing to me. But recently, it doesn't works as much as I really want it. Gratitude is no more easy. To those some others, who are feeling the grief, helpless, and hopeless, you have done nothing wrong. Your problems are matter. Your complains are worth to be heard.

Maybe not all of us, maybe I, had done this "gratitude act" wrongly. I gave my best thought over people's problems and complains. The least I can do were listening and trying to understand their pains as much as possible. While at the moment, I pushed back my own complains and forced it into silent. All because of the idea "there is someone who are in more pain than I do. So, I should have stop complaining and keep it low." I disapproved my own complains when I approved others'.

How I want to say it to myself so much, that this is not normal. Because what normal is when you thought of someone's less you will learn to be grateful of what you're having now. But to admit this is not normal, I feel like I will add more disapproval towards myself. As if everything I had done was all wrong and only worth endless apologies. Even at this moment while I am writing this post.

To those who are feeling the same way I do, maybe we did things wrong but that's okay. At this moment, it's okay to vent our complains. It's okay to feel our problems are the worse. Maybe I, maybe we, don't belong to the first group. Maybe we are in the other group, who can focus on both our and other people problems. We listen to both our and their sides. Because to us, no one has less or more worse. What worse is worse.

Fairness is not a part of a whole, but a whole of many parts.


A Diamond Shape Kite

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Image result for anime fly kite paper gif
a diamond shape kite
made of clean paper dream
and two magic bamboo stick
impatiently to leaves the ground
to witness the earth from all around
the kite is finally free to go and fly high
towards what it has been always longing
no other than the ocean of wide sky

a little knot at its holed center
a diamond shape kite is tied to a black string
from the ground its traces are deeply engraved
far down below what attached is the grief
a diamond shape kite can never get to leaves
higher it approaches, heavier it goes
still far from the universe than the curse
to earth gravity won't let it loose


That Miserable Mind

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Image result for anime angry yukine noragami gif
thought i would do some drawing
prepared a ruler and an eraser
held a pencil on my right hand
but my mind went empty
the imagination won't get pretty
thought i would start with origami
a piece of red colored paper
a ruler to cut it straight
made fold after fold into a shape of triangle
needed for scissor but wasn't found
dug into books stacks and other stationery
nothing like scissor but my miserable mind
threw an old broken headphone which once I fond
hit hardly against the wall before it fall into a box
shit! crashed onto the bed with song to my ears
staring at black screen of my laptop
turned the power on and waited
thought i should write something
with a word spelled "thought"


The Second Lesson : Math

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Hello, people! How're you doing?
Have you had your lunch?
I just finished mine and I am feeling quite elevated to make this post.
This is the first very real post of this July after a few drops of poem lol.
So let's give it a go. Enjoy your reading time!

Since my second breaking point, I have been keep mentioning from my a few previous posts that this time is different for me. Something is getting worst. Something which I don't even really know how accurate my calculation about it. I just feel that way. However, behind and between those overwhelming negative emotions, I think I am getting my second lesson right now. If the first taught me about self love or maybe I was actually confused it with self affection, this time I learned about self expression.

I had realized this long ago even before my first breaking point. I do have resentments, disappointments, angers, sadness and other more emotions that I never express and let it out. I frightened the judgement of people around me and even me claimed myself for being oversensitive. So I pushed those feelings away, hid it deeper inside me, like those difficult mathematics questions that I did not want to spare my little time to figure them out or at least read the questions fully.

I noticed I had been piling up those unfinished homework. Made them looked like paper trash while they were actually important documents. And when those papers had been too high to balance their stand, they fall on me like a massive stone which that was my second breaking point.

I thought I have been wonderfully open, approachable, understanding, accepting and positive about my surrounding. I did but maybe not yet fully hundred percent. Maybe not even half of it. I realized those are just a part of self love which is self affection. I accepted my flaws, tried to understand my surrounding and the people, opened at both mind and heart, and embraced my positive vibes while I actually still didn't get the homework done. My mathematics questions.

Maybe it is not only me but most of us are confused about good vibes. I learned it is not only about how great or mood today, what's the new experience, accomplishment, who do we hanging out with or meeting today and more good things that happened. It also about how bad our mood today, what's the little efforts we made, that very little progress, who do we find in ourselves today and more negatives vibes after another.

Even though we could not figure out the why and what, feelings are made to be felt either bad or good. Pretending we're okay and forcing ourselves to feel okay are small attempts of pushing away those emotions that we think they are bad and poisonous. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to cry when we feel like to cry even though we don't know the significant reason. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sensitive, and emotional. Even our prophets felt those. But they kept it in control. Just right in the boundary. We can volume up the speaker as high as we can but not to the point of disturbing the neighbors. We supposed to do it in our boundary or area. In other word, controlled.

I know I have been moody most of the times since my second breaking point. Little(*not serious) suicide thoughts came a few times in a month. Same goes with crying and other emotional things.But I think this is quite fair and perfectly square. I had been always acting and trying to be happy before, even to the point of pushing away other feelings was like a reflex, spontaneous and arrogant. So maybe this time it is okay to dwell a little bit more and express it a little bit often. Maybe this time is not the time to show self affection but self expression. I am going to read my mathematics questions properly even though I cannot figure out the answer yet. Bit by bit.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
I do have more to write. Maybe later.
When I have the right words to share with you guys.
Thank you for your time and concern!
Oh, and hello July! I am late again lol.
See you. xoxo =)

When you're feeling okay without trying to feel okay,
that means you're really really okay.


Hi-tech Girl & The Magic Bottle

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She is a hi-tech girl
High power and durable
With her I feel compatible
Where possible is simply portable
And I become fast-rechargeable

For her I share my magic bottle
For me she paves most of hurdles
For us we let the emotions settle
And then we mix and shake
Mix and shake until it bubbles.

- July 10, 2019, 1:48 AM -



i wish i can make less pain for you =) -12/07/2019-