Invalid Stigma

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Image result for yato noragami smile gif
Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?
Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha
Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.
Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.
Have a good rest everyone and good night!
See you. Bubye =)

Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.


New (Extended) Semester

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Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Ohmyy dah sebulan tak buka laptop, tak usha blog.
I'm kinda feeling awkward right now.
Ingat bila jarang menulis je jari rasa keras.
Rupanya tak main tekan-tekan keyboard pun boleh buat jari rasa keras haha.
Nasib baik laptop hidup lagi lol. Alhamdulillah

Hari ni bermulanya new semester. As for me, it's my 5th year then. Generally, I'm feeling nervous and excited. But deeply, I'm feeling anxious and burden. Not sure either to think about it or not but I end up spontaneously numb it all because that's what I used to do. I'm still trying to change this bad habit though but it's not as easy as it's spoken.

Obviously, I had skipped my August blogging moment lol. Jadi meh Farahin update sikit what had happened last month. Hujung bulan July, I finally started to bring myself to the psychiatry. Masa buat pemeriksaan blood pressure, my bp was high. Medical assistant gelabah. Doktor yang Farahin jumpa dekat klinik pesakit luar pun serang Farahin dengan soalan-soalan yang lebih menggelabahkan. Later, jumpa doktor psikiatri baru chill. She was such a soft spoken person.

I already made three appointments. Bermakna dah sebulan juga Farahin makan ubat. Tapi sebab I had to come back to university, jadi Farahin kena transfer hospital. Surat doktor ada je duduk diam dalam fail. Tak tahu lagi bila nak pergi hospital sini. Baki ubat pun tahan dalam 2 minggu je. Maybe esok atau lusa hehe.

Now I'm writing it down, I'm kinda feeling heavy. I'm indeed feeling anxious about this semester. Farahin dah tak ada kelas. Cuma have to work on final year project and get prepare for practical on next semester. But those are a lot to me hiks. Bismillah. Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya.

Until here, I wish you good luck in anything you're doing right now!
See you later. Bubye =)

It's okay. It's just a feeling. All you have to do is to feel and breath.


Gratitude Act

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Hello, peeps! I think I would skip the long greeting today.
Enjoy your reading time! =)

To feel grateful and have gratitude, one of the ways is to remind ourselves of others people problems rather than complaining our own. Some of us would have complains about their family matters but then they remind themselves of someone's family matters such as divorce, abuse, poverty, and death. Of course there are much more complains not only family matters but what I would like to convey here is to those people who are still using this method and it really works, you do a very good job. Not everyone can be empathy to anyone.

However, I realized that this method may not helpful to some others. I may be included. Previously, long ago this method worked like magic and blessing to me. But recently, it doesn't works as much as I really want it. Gratitude is no more easy. To those some others, who are feeling the grief, helpless, and hopeless, you have done nothing wrong. Your problems are matter. Your complains are worth to be heard.

Maybe not all of us, maybe I, had done this "gratitude act" wrongly. I gave my best thought over people's problems and complains. The least I can do were listening and trying to understand their pains as much as possible. While at the moment, I pushed back my own complains and forced it into silent. All because of the idea "there is someone who are in more pain than I do. So, I should have stop complaining and keep it low." I disapproved my own complains when I approved others'.

How I want to say it to myself so much, that this is not normal. Because what normal is when you thought of someone's less you will learn to be grateful of what you're having now. But to admit this is not normal, I feel like I will add more disapproval towards myself. As if everything I had done was all wrong and only worth endless apologies. Even at this moment while I am writing this post.

To those who are feeling the same way I do, maybe we did things wrong but that's okay. At this moment, it's okay to vent our complains. It's okay to feel our problems are the worse. Maybe I, maybe we, don't belong to the first group. Maybe we are in the other group, who can focus on both our and other people problems. We listen to both our and their sides. Because to us, no one has less or more worse. What worse is worse.

Fairness is not a part of a whole, but a whole of many parts.


A Diamond Shape Kite

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Image result for anime fly kite paper gif
a diamond shape kite
made of clean paper dream
and two magic bamboo stick
impatiently to leaves the ground
to witness the earth from all around
the kite is finally free to go and fly high
towards what it has been always longing
no other than the ocean of wide sky

a little knot at its holed center
a diamond shape kite is tied to a black string
from the ground its traces are deeply engraved
far down below what attached is the grief
a diamond shape kite can never get to leaves
higher it approaches, heavier it goes
still far from the universe than the curse
to earth gravity won't let it loose


That Miserable Mind

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Image result for anime angry yukine noragami gif
thought i would do some drawing
prepared a ruler and an eraser
held a pencil on my right hand
but my mind went empty
the imagination won't get pretty
thought i would start with origami
a piece of red colored paper
a ruler to cut it straight
made fold after fold into a shape of triangle
needed for scissor but wasn't found
dug into books stacks and other stationery
nothing like scissor but my miserable mind
threw an old broken headphone which once I fond
hit hardly against the wall before it fall into a box
shit! crashed onto the bed with song to my ears
staring at black screen of my laptop
turned the power on and waited
thought i should write something
with a word spelled "thought"



bismillah. =) -12/09/2019-