I was lonely.
“Are you not going to home yet?” Sungmin shocked me. I thought he already leaved along with others. He had been absent from a few classes today. Must be meeting his girlfriend from the other class. Just what I thought.
“I’m still packing.” I lied. I wished I did not had to leave. I wished I did not had to go back home. Because there was nothing for me at home excepted my bed and pillow to keep me accompany anytime I felt like to cry especially at night. It was very exhausting and terrifying when you had no control on your very own emotion. At least, outside here I can handled putting on poker face and created some white lies.
“Do you want to leave together?” Sungmin invited me, too sudden.
I only can kept staring at him with a blank mind and flattered heart. As someone who already had a girlfriend, should not he supposed to say that to his girlfriend? Then, why me?
“What are you looking at? Quick. We have to catch the bus.” He insisted and I just did not thinking to reject. I started packing my things for real while he was waiting.
Unexpectedly, I did leaved the classroom along with Sungmin and this was our very first time walking side by side. We did not even talked much to each other in the class. Maybe he was indeed friendly and polite to everyone but I was always being quiet and less talking. We were absolutely an example of contradiction. The best example, I thought.
“Have you always being this quiet?” Sungmin asked.
“Err…I think so.” I answered his sudden question with a few seconds of hesitation.
Sungmin nodded silently while a few steps of ours had passed.
“Is that okay? I mean…don’t you have anything to talk about? Maybe about something you think or feel? Everyone does, right.” Sungmin looked into my eyes, waiting for my answer and I cannot help to not feel nervous. I considered to answer his question as diligent as it was asked but my second thought prevented me to do so.
“Well…guess it’s just the way I am.”
“You’re still not answering me.” Sungmin insisted and I started biting my lips. Why this question was very hard? Why it was hard to be honest and true? Why I make this hard for myself?
“Wait. Are you getting caught by me for cheating?”
We stopped in the middle of the way. Yes. We were caught by Sungmin’s girlfriend. But cheating was not the right situation. We were not even close classmates. If I had to describe, maybe we were more like two strangers walking the same path.
“Of course not. I can never dare. This is my classmate.” Said Sungmin, calm and caring. I could saw he was an ideal man for boyfriend material or maybe someday a husband material. Lucky girl. I envied.
“Okay. You have to pay for this. Buy me something I like.” She teased while wrapping her hands around Sungmin’s hand. They really looked like a good match. Just if I could had a sweet relationship like them. However I remembered, “if” was not even supposed to be asked here. I just can’t.
“Okay. Alright. Anything for you.” Said Sungmin. He gave a little pat on her head. “Do you want to go with us?” Sungmin asked me like some old friends even though I did not remembered had one.
“It’s okay. You guys may go. I think I’ll just head straight to home. Bye.” I took my leaved first and went out from the school building.
On my way to the entrance gate, I saw Kangin who was walking out from the field. The school rugby team was still doing their daily training there. Maybe he just went back from seeing them. There was a rumor among students and teachers that he quit the team. However, I did not paid much attention on those kind of talks so it could be I misheard it.
Kangin and I arrived at the gate at the same time and we went to the bus stop across the road. I took a seat at the left side he was at the right side. The gap between us was not really close but I could hear his breathing, maybe from the walking or some activities he did at the field just now.
“You leaved earlier today.” Kangin started a conversation after a few minutes of silence.
I was confused with his sudden conversation and I did expressed it on my ordinary face.
“I used to see you leaved school at least half an hour after the last bell. It’s not like I was stalking you but I was still on the field during that time so…I kept seeing you.”
I putted on a little smile on my face. I can saw and felt that he was awkward to start this conversation but other than that, I thought he just wanted to talk about something.
“I just feel to leaved earlier today. Are not you leaving earlier too? The team is still at the field though.” Amazingly, that was quite a long dialogue I make and it felt like my very first time being this quite friendly.
Kangin putted on a little smile on his face too. I might be wrong but it did not looked like he wanted to do so. His face seemed bitter and his eyes kept looking straight down of nowhere. I guessed I did that too quite often whenever this strange feeling make me felt numb and helpless.
“I’m not in the team anymore. I quit. I’m sure you have heard it.” Kangin looked at me with his tired eyes. Either he had been not sleeping well or he had been crying too often, I thought those eyes just familiar to me.
“I did. But I did not paid attention to it. I thought it was just some unnecessary talk. I don’t mean you’re unnecessary. It’s the talk, that’s what I meant.” I explained as much as I could to make him understand what did I meant.
“I understand. I don’t know you’re this different. Well, I saw you had been quiet and did less interactions with others in the class but…you’re indeed different.” Kangin spitted his words delicately and I knew he meant good. But unfortunately it did not make me felt so.
Different was just different.
At least, to me.
“If it’s not bothering you, why did you quit?” I took my turn to ask a question.
Kangin gave it some a few seconds of thought and I had no intention to wait before but seeing him making that effort make me curious.
“I have an injury at my leg. The doctor advised me to not overwork it or I’ll can never make it work again. So…I decide to just quit.” He answered calmly but I can saw his bitter face and red eyes clearly. I felt bad for asking but I was glad he putted his trust to day it to me. Honest and true. Just why I can’t being this open to anyone? Why I used to hold everything close and deep and make it hard for myself?
“It’s okay. You still can play though. Just don’t be too hard to yourself. Maybe it’s time you enjoy everything you have around you instead of thing that you want.” Brilliant words! Yet why I can’t even utter those to myself?
“What if rugby is my everything?” Here was the difficult question.
“What if you are your everything?” Question for question and I finally saw a calm and peaceful smile from his face and it was contagious that I started to smile too, feeling his little relief that he let go after locked it under his burden pockets.
“Kangin!”
The school rugby team was seen at the entrance game. A few of the members were waving at Kangin and asked him to come towards them. Kangin did leaved his seat and went to them. They were all seemed close to each other and treated Kangin the same. No one would believe that he already quit the team. He was still a part of the family.
To be continued...
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