Siblings

Posted by | On | | 2 Comments
Assalamualaikum...
Related image
Hello, peeps! It's a late night post.
Farahin nak celoteh panjanggg ni. Hehe
Bagi tabah mata okey. Takut2 tercium skrin. Hahahaha

GENTLE REMINDER #1 : I am a person with great empahthy

Tajuk malam ni Siblings. Tahu kan siblings tu apa? Tahu adik-beradik? Sinonim juga dengan saudara. Farahin anak tunggal. Obviously, I have no siblings. Farahin tak tahu apa rasanya ada abang kakak yang gap umur jauh2 and also adik2 kecik padahal umur sendiri dah kira tua bangka. Tapi mungkin Farahin dapat rasa sikit apa itu persaudaraan melalui sebuah lagi hubungan yang namanya persahabatan. Mungkin tak sama dengan makna siblings yang hari ni hujan panas ribut taufan but then tetiba esok pelangi indah awan tebal berkepuk. Faham ke apa yang Farahin maksudkan tu? Haha

Jadi Farahin nak imbau semula kenangan zaman sekolah menengah tudung labuh, baju kurung kembang, kasut jenama Jazz. Haha. Ada beberapa hari tu, unit uniform puteri islam buat kem motivasi gitu. One of the obvious thing I remember about it is bila we're all girls kena ajak redah lumpur bakau. Maka tergedik-gediklah girls tu semua konon geli dan sebagainya. I don't really adore that feminism. Haha

All the way kitowg redah paya bakau tu, there were times I held to someones' hands. Maksud Farahin macam reflex. Berdezup dekat kepala ni terfikir "maybe she needs help." so I offered my hand. However, there were also times were I felt very cold. Bukan sebab paya bakau yang mendung. Tapi sebab some girls' backs yang buat Farahin rasa sangat tertinggal. Ada masa2 Farahin seorang panik sendiri bila kaki susah nak gerak dan macam tenggelam perlahan2 but no one around me.

GENTLE REMINDER #2 : I hate the fact that everyone compete for nonsense

Up sikit dari hierarki memori Farahin, sekarang Farahin nak imbau pula zaman matrikulasi. Waktu2 minggu orientasi. Kitowg ada aktiviti mendaki. Not really a gunung, just a bukit of ladang kelapa sawit. Haha. Kitowg dibahagikan ikut praktikum. Praktikum ni kira kelaslah kalau di matrikulasi tu. Awal2 tu macak excited, macam seronok, until perlahan2 Farahin tertinggal di belakang.

I remember there was a time seorang kawan ni kaki cramped. Farahin join the group pakat nak temankan dia. And finally, everyone stopped for awhile. It was very sweet. But then, bila matahari semakin tinggi and for sure semua orang exhausted, and also there was me being left at behind sementara diowg semakin jauh, Farahin rasa macam nak menangis. Satu soalan yang asyik berulang di fikiran Farahin pada masa tu, "kenapa aku selalu kena tinggal??"

Farahin jalan dengan kaki yang dah rasa panas2 macam melecit sambil muka tunduk ke bawah holding my tears and suddenly, these two indian classmates asked me "okey tak?" Farahin angkat muka dan cuma angguk. Diowg jalan dekat belakang Farahin. I felt safe for awhile but then the pressure got harder. Dalam ramai2 diowg, yang dua je sanggup jalan slow dengan Farahin and Farahin rasa macam melambatkan perjalanan diowg berdua tu.

GENTLE REMINDER #3 : I learned things in a hard way but I also soft hearted

Okey. Farahin nak up kuasa dua, it is today. Di mana Farahin sedang bergelar mahasiswa sekarang. Last week, like usual setiap petang rabu unit uniform yang Farahin join ada aktiviti dan latihan. Tapi my roommates yang also the members tak join since diowg ada plan masing2. Jadi Farahin pergi seorang macam jadi wakil bilik. Haha.

Dari jam 5 petang hingga jam 7 petang, that feeling came again. Perasaan yang sama yang Farahin rasa dari dua zaman tu. Perasaan "kenapa aku selalu kena tinggal?". Without roommates, I knew I was actually an empty soul. Mungkin adanya roommates pun actually it was just like a temporary satisfaction. Farahin bersendirian all the times. I approached some friends but I just not feeling fit in. Everyone seemed very far away. The circle was broken.

Ada seorang kawan ni cuba ajak gurau dengan Farahin. Dia tetiba cabut nametag Farahin, kononnya tengah main runningman tu. I was actually surprised. But my mood that moment just not right. And it was just that. She went back to her circle and I was left alone. I learned the same thing again. The same thing yang asyik menghantui Farahin sepanjang 22 tahun ini. Cuma Farahin je buat-buat tak tahu.

This world is cruel. It is all game. Sometimes there are competitions and no one give a damn about someone get hurt and losing. Having laughs and random talks, they called it as socializing. Yet it also one of the way for being very ignorant in a cold way. Somehow, Farahin rasa macam mangsa keadaan. And that strong hate yang dulunya memutuskan pertalian Farahin dari dunia ni menghasut lagi.

Image result for anime crying lonely girl gif
GENTLE REMINDER #4 : I appreciates either bad or good, from smallest to the biggest things that happened to me.

Memori Farahin berbalik ke muka satu, zaman kanak2 Farahin where that hate started growing. Bila anak2 jiran yang Farahin kawan dan selalu main sama2 suddenly, push me away for no reason. It wasn't happened for once. Bagi orang lain, mungkin it was just pahit manis kehidupan. But that memory, that kind of moment, gave me a kind of trauma and many misconceptions about this circle.

Fortunately, Farahin tak spent my whole 22 years with the only hate. How very fortunate me, half of those years, someone approached me and offered a friendship. A very true friendship. Inshaallah. It is sad. It is disappointed. Kenapa tak semua orang ada sedikit nilai2 yang tak terharga yang ada pada seorang kawan itu? Somehow, Farahin tertanya-tanya, are they really into friendship??

Farahin anak tunggal. Farahin tak tahu rasanya berkelahi dengan adik beradik sampai ugut bunuh dan rasa nak lari dari rumah but esoknya elok je duduk semeja main senduk2 nasi yang mak masak. Farahin tak kenal riuh rendah dekat rumah dengan adik-beradik. Then I had another thought, "tak ke diowg lebih terdedah dan sensitif dengan personaliti yg pelbagai??" Yet there, I was facing the same thing for many times.

GENTLE REMINDER #5 : I loves to talk to my mind and understand by my heart.

Mungkin sebab personaliti Farahin. Muka Farahin yang kalau masa budak2 dulu ramai dekat sekolah cap Farahin sombong dan seumpamanya. Mungkin sebab Farahin yang typically known as mulut emas, pendiam, tak bergaul. Yet I am actually just a normal introvert. Mungkin sebab Farahin yang mudah serius dan sensitif dengan perkara2 kecil. Not saying I am cerewet or perfectionist, I am just obsessed to learn and understand others. Not just people, but also the norms and natures. Bukan Farahin cari salah sesiapa. I am just wondering. Having a deep sincere talk to myself since not everyone could do so to me. Tapi kadang2 tu, it did very frustrated.

Farahin tak mudah rasa sunyi. I know very well how to entertain myself. Tapi Farahin rasa sunyi bila this one activity yang semua orang panggil socializing, yet sometimes I felt very unfamiliar to it. Very dark. Very cruel. And somehow, it's dirty. Masa2 macam ni lah, dengan pemikiran yang negatif macam ni lah, I will miss this one person called true friends dan rasa sangat tersentuh hati. Ajaibnya kejadian ciptaan Allah SWT. Hebatnya aturan ketentuanNya. Just how many more backs that I have to see, wth this twisted me, I have that one person that could be a very close synonym to "sibling".

GENTLE REMINDER #6 : I prefers less quantity but more quality.

Fuhh. Finally, we're closed to the penutup. Jadi, korang ada tak dark memory yang effect hidup korang selama ni? Atau mungkin pernah ke korang met a kind macam Farahin? Yang korang selalu nampak bersendiri. But on a second thought, mungkin actually orang lain yang biarkan dia bersendiri. Mind to comment? I love to read them. Hihi

Till then, thank you for your time.
Good night. Bubye =)




An old scar could be itchy at times. A wounded soul could be hurt again.





2 comments:

Hxna said...

ayat 'kenapa aku selalu kena tinggal' tu terus buat terkenang perasaan dulu dulu. been there before but in different way.

ELFarahin said...

@Hxna wish u feel better today and always :)

ELFollowers

Those wounds are telling me that I am trying very hard to survive. However, I cannot help not to feel pain and fear. -20/05/2018-