It Is Not Safe To Be Safe

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

I just finished my afternoon shower when I found out there were 2 missed calls from psychiatry clinic . The second I thought of whether to return the call or not , a call came in . I was told by my therapist that he had to cancel my session on that day because he had emergency appointment to attend and he would arranged new date and called me later .

One week passed and I still didn't receive any call from him . I thought of to make the call myself yet two weeks passed and I didn't make any call . Actually , I had been contemplating whether to continue receiving therapy or not for almost 2 months . Somehow , I had started feeling unsafe to attend the therapy out of fear to get attach to it and be dependent .

Since the last session on March 26 , I had this false alarm been messing around in my head said "It is not safe to be safe" . I was very familiar with this thought and feeling . As a person who have had constantly carrying emotional pain from trying to survive rather than living for my whole life , my nerves system have had got used to be on alert over both known and unknown threat or danger .

As I was going back and forth considering the thought and convincing myself to continue attend the therapy at the same time , I happened missed my appointment with psychiatrist on July 22 . It took just seconds to decide that I need to book new date the next day . Instead of make a call as suggested prior , I intentionally walked in .

After I had booked the psychiatry appointment's date , somehow I gathered my last bit of courage and walked in the therapy unit . I had my therapy appointment booked too . I was glad that no staff and nurse lashed at me for missing my appointment . I had been feeling anxious and kind of emotionally prepared for the worst since I was still at home .

Meanwhile I had the psychiatry appointment booked on August 19 , the therapy appointment was set on set on July 24 .  Unlike last session on June 18 , my mental health wasn't in best condition . I had moment of blank mind and quietly crying just like during other previous sessions . I did tell my therapist about the "It is not safe to be safe" false alarm and the intense fear that had been building up over time .

In the past , I had gone missing in air on counselling after three sessions and therapy after one session . I thought the history will be repeated this time too . I almost didn't make it . Yet I ended up sitting in front of my therapist anyway even though I had my trust wavered and my mind was unsure about decision I had made .

While I was still feeling unsafe during the session , I realized that my physical response says otherwise . The quiet cry , heavy dropped shoulders , and fidgeting trembling hands that I experienced were signs that my nerves system was responding to "Safe" and relieving the accumulated stress I had been carrying all this time .

There was something about the room's surrounding . Even though the wall wasn't sound proof and he intentionally let the door opened as supposed , I could sense this soothing and cooling quietness that embraced me while I was burning like over long running machine that was about to explode in anytime . By sense , I meant physically .

Meanwhile I feel okay that I have medicine to consume forsake of my mental health , I don't feel the same for receiving therapy . Meanwhile I feel okay to depend on medicine , I don't feel okay to depend on emotional support from someone . To have going through this struggle , I do pity myself . I feel sad for myself . The dark truth about healing is that it is just another kind of survival .

Trauma isn't always about what had happened , but also about what had never happened .

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Show Up

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum

Last Tuesday , I attended my doctor's appointment as usual . While I was waiting for my turn , I noticed something heartwarming . This wasn't my first time seeing it . I just felt deeper about it at that moment .

All this time , I had seen patients were accompanied by family members and friends many times . Sometimes I could hear persons at behind had friendly or casual conversation . There were kids with them too .

Seeing this moment , I heard my inner self said , " Isn't that beautiful ? " Indeed , it was . It was beautiful that those patients were supported by their closed ones as needed and supposed event though as simple as show up and be there .

I had my best friend showed up with me to attend my first few doctor's appointments . Her presence was very helpful , stronger than the tension I felt and carried during those difficult times . We talked less while waiting but just be there .

It is said that family support matters for mentally ill patients . Even though I had long ago dropped this idea , it's undeniable that there are many patients who really need their family and closed ones support . Yes , as simple as show up and be there .

Show up may be verbal and non verbal .

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From Patient To You

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Last January 22 , I had my second therapy session . The time spent was just about maybe 40 minutes , shorter than time spent from first session . The therapy was dismissed earlier because I was in stable condition , unlike when I attended the first session . This second session surely went smoother than the first one for me .

During the second session , I spoke calmer than before . My mind was clearer and my thoughts were pretty organized too . Thin tears and trembling voice did show up each time I felt slightly overwhelming with emotions . There were a few moments where I had to confront my inner critics while sharing my good thoughts with the therapist .

What I earned the most from this second session is validation . I was validated by my therapist about how I have high self awareness and enough coping mechanism to cope with my depression and anxiety . It is a lie to say this validation is not meaningful to me . I might do reading and self-learning to raise my understanding and awareness about mental health issue , mainly related to my mental illness . However , validation from professionals do matter just to make sure I have gained proper knowledge .

Here so me tonight is to share a few pebbles I have in my hand which might be helpful for you now or later . At first , I thought to make this sharing mainly 'from patient to patient' . But I had second thought later , I want to make this sharing is 'from patient to you' . I am the mentioned patient and you are whoever might need these pebbles .

Have you ever knew about taboo words to say to people who are going through depression or anxiety ? Whoever says these taboo words will be labeled as 'red flag' instantly . However , I just recently understand these taboo words differently . From patient to you , I will highlight common three ( the so called ) taboo words and how I perceive it based on my personal understanding .

( 1 ) " Be Positive " ; Of course , I agree that be positive or thinking about positive matters can't make us move on from depression or anxiety instantly . However , there is something magical about think positively . At least one positive thought , it will create little sparks of reconnection impulse in our brain . We will think and feel better from time to time . When I was at edge , usually I would kept at least this thought at back of my head , " Nothing last forever . This is just temporary . "

( 2 ) " Touching grass " ; This line used to get on my nerves . As if my struggle to move around was dismissed . Turns out , I felt so because I missed the real meaning of this line . Touching grass is not about meet people , go out , and see the sun , like we usually think . Actually , it is about reactivating sensory system ; smell , taste , touch , sight , and hearing . The least stimulation we experience , the more intense the numb we feel . I'm still struggling to practice touching grass too . I can hardly leave my room .

( 3 ) " Be grateful " ; Receiving these words do make us feel like the bad guy . As if our hardships are too little and unburdenning . From my deeper understanding , be grateful is not about belittle our difficulties . It is about growing sense of feeling satisfaction and achievement . It is about be in the present , give gratitude to what we still have and can do . Lately , I found happiness from tidying up my bed after waking up and before I went to bed ( feeling like preparing bed for a princess haha )

In any case , we shouldn't be too hard on ourselves . We shouldn't push our energy beyond the limit . It is common to feel weak when we are too ill . Don't force ourselves to act tough . It is not up to us to recover from flu but our body system . All we can do are to take medicine and extra rest . Same thing goes to mental health . Do what we can . While that , hold on the awareness we have gained .

Do you still remember that we were given one same title for writing test ? Yet each student wrote different story . Aren't that amazing ? Aren't that says a lot about us ? Not everyone speak our language . Not everyone thinking the way we do . Not everyone need more understanding and awareness as much as we do . So hold on the worth and meaning of those lame lines rather the words . Same view , different perspective .

I am a person who functions with details . The more I know , the higher my awareness , the more meaningful that something to me . When science says " Family support does matter " , I break it with " I need people who know how and can support me " . When poet says " It is like have demon in the head " , I break it with " I make friend with enemy ( turns out it is never an enemy ) " . Here when taboo words are spreading , I dig into deeper meaning and different understanding that makes me feel better .

My writing was never short . The words overflew and I end up writing both diary and thoughts on same page . While I keep going with word by word , my heart and brain breathe with relief . It is mesmerizing how writing can make me feel so much . This person has lots of unsay thoughts and feelings . This person has lots to say but writing is more likely her best language . Until here then , see you in later post . Nite nite

Same title , Different story .

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Ini Sebabnya Tak Dapat Follow Blog

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Bukan sekali . Bukan dua kali . Bukan juga tiga kali . Dah banyak kali jadi , bila Farahin nak follow blog other bloggers , mesti dapat pop up notification yang kata Farahin tak boleh follow tersebut . Farahin sangkakan internet yang lagging atau sistem blogspot yang error . Rupa-rupanya bukan itu masalahnya .

Memandangkan Farahin tak boleh follow blog other bloggers dengan tekan button follow , Farahin cuba cara manual . Pergi ke reading list , klik manage , dan cuba add link blog yang Farahin nak follow . Kali ni pun Farahin dapat notification lagi , "you cannot follow more than 200 blogs" Ehh sejak bila blogspot jadi kedekut ni ?

Blog Farahin ni dah sedekad matang usianya . Dah banyak kali tukar nama . Dah banyak kali tukar template dan edit design . Dah banyak perubahan dari segi penulisan . List blog yang Farahin dah follow pun 2000+ blogs . Sekarang limit boleh follow 200 blogs saja , serius kedekut .

Tapi no choice lah . Kite terima saja sistem baru ni . Farahin pun perasan dah banyak sangat blog yang dah bertahun-tahun lamanya tak aktif . Elok Farahin unfollow saja blogs ni . Tabahkan je lah nak semak sebiji-sebiji . 2000+ blogs kot . Semalam pun dapat setel 10 blogs je huuu

***
Maka disarankan sangat tinggalkan link awak okey . 
Bolehlah Farahin dan bloggers lain datang jenguk sekali sekala

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What Did The Therapist Say ?

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Hello , owlies ! I'm back , as promised . Hmm if you read my previous blog post , I did mention about that I have back to therapy now . I just had my first session last Tuesday . I felt very nervous the moment I woke up on that day . I even skipped my lunch and attended the session with empty stomach .

The session started with I was asked to answer DASS test , sure not a new thing to me . The result was as expected too in which I got maximum mark for Depression and Anxiety . Meanwhile the mark for Stress showed as less severe , neared to medium level . Here , the real therapy session begun .

The session lasted for about an hour and half . There was no moment my eyes didn't holding back tears yet the tears eventually fell . I was choking in between words I tried to utter . There were times silence lingered in the room but not my sobbing . Skip the long chat I had with the therapist , here in my tonight's post , I would like to share what did my therapist say from our first session and what I think about it , as much as I can remember .

"Saya guna term awak , (tak ada) emotional drive . Ni sebenarnya awak demotivated ." I acknowledge this opinion . This is exactly how I have been feeling for one whole year now . I can hardly feel and want to start things . I don't have desire to really chase certain things in my life . I feel stuck and don't feel like to go anywhere . I have lost my emotional drive .

"Uish , awak masak . Ni maknanya awak masih ada rasa nak give something to someone , be considerate . Ayah awak ." Here he pointed out the little good thing that I have never seen so , giving something . I have been growing the thought from time to time that I am a burden and useless , have nothing good to offer .

"Tempat tidur okay kan . Awak masih boleh tidur . (Tempat tidur) bersih ." The love-hate relationship I have with my room is endless . It is the worst and most shameful place in the house and sure I forbids anyone entrance . Only after his point , I came to realize that I still can keep my bed comfortable , still aware of my personal needs .

"Benda (motivation) ni sebenarnya mula daripada minat . Apa yang kita suka ." This is THE POINT . I am a person who does thing by emotional drive . I do things that I feel good about ; before , during , and after . What made me keep going during study ? What made me seeking job and going to work ? What made me start joining dropship ? I felt good . I liked what I do . Sadly , not anymore . Not now .

"Awak keluar ke bandar . Just untuk aktifkan sensory . Ni membantu juga . Tengok orang . Touching grass ." Sensory reactivation . My mind was clicked the moment 'sensory' was mentioned . Those little information related to mental health and nervous system I had read started appearing . Now 'touching grass' doesn't seem dull in my head . I do need to go out , even just for nothing .

"Awak ni okay . Masih okay . Awak masih ada motivation . Cuma kena polish lagi ." Really ? I'm not as brave as I used to anymore . I feel fear very often , most of the time . I even decided to cut ties I have for emotions and memories , out of feeling constant pain to want deep connection plus moving on from separation . Missing someone special is heartbreaking , and with that many years had passed .

"Saya cadangkan awak teruskan , buat je apa yang awak buat sekarang ." Is this okay ? The way he said the line was quite comforting , as if these little things I have done which never feel enough to me and made me ask my worth , are actually helping in someway . Is this really okay ? I am struggling to feel such , yet I am still wise to agree . I still can do .

"Session kita ni tak payah formal . Santai je ." Such simple words sounded really intentional to my hearing . I started realizing how I usually functioned quite formal or half casual when I attended therapy session in the past . I tried to act friendly as if I was breaking the awkwardness I felt but actually the act was more likely one of survival mode , to not receive bad impression or cause the other feeling bad . I well known how very tall and thick my wall is .

It would be lie if I didn't have thin tears in my eyes while writing this . Remembering all this kind words I had received is like rubbing medicine on wounds . It stings and I endure the sharp , burning pain . How much hurt I have caused to myself ? How severe the wounds I carry all this time have become ? How weak and sick I am now ? I feel very sad and sorry for myself .

I wonder if I still can write in a few days later . If I still have thoughts and feelings to write about . If I still can write with proper words , without tangled thoughts . I am grateful that I still like writing , a way for me to express myself . I have left my diary unwritten for a very long time . At least , I still want to come back here and feeling the ease in my heart while writing . Until here then . Good night . 

Receiving kindness can feel like burning pain while having medicine rubbing on wounds .

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10 Deep Questions Prompt

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum

Hello , cute peeps ! Here me , show up with the very first post of this december haha . Today I come back with prompt thing again . The deep questions are interesting and so I would love to try answer it . To find this kind of prompt thing , you can do searching on pinterest . Quick jump , enjoy your reading !

What are really small things in life that make me happy ?

Small things in life that make me happy are when I receive simple greeting from my favorite persons such as 'good morning' or 'good night' wish . I just like it when my favorite persons show up with reminder or sign that I am still in their mind .

What is my favorite childhood memory ?

My favorite childhood memory is growing up with interest in drawing and coloring , even now . Had my father made mathematic addition and minus homework is also my favorite childhood memory . ( I didn't start my kindergarten yet at that time )

What is my least favorite movie genre and why ?

My least favorite movie genre is typical love story . Anti romantic me find the story is boring and expected . I prefer movie or series drama that serves romance as side story . Love is diverse . I am not interested to stuck at one kind .

Aside from basic necessities , what are three things I couldn't go day without ?

Three things that I couldn't go day without are breathing , music , and safest space ( of course , it is my room ) . Although I often feel unworthy to stay alive , have difficulty to breathe is still inconvenient and feel threatening . 

What is my current proudest achievement ?

I have to convince myself about this matter . My current proudest achievement is that I am back to therapy after one year and plus , surrendered to anxiety and depression that worsen day to day . I have very little courage to help myself now .

What is something about myself I think is uncommon ?

Be myself , something about myself I think is uncommon is I am not easy to follow majority and somewhat causing intentional hardship to myself . Some people will question it . I don't feel necessary to install tiktok . I don't care about missing trend . I do my laundry using hands , spend an hour in the bathroom .

What chore could I go my whole life without doing ?

I can't figure out anything to answer this question . Hmm

What would my dream vacation look like ?

The word 'dream vacation' doesn't make my mind pictures any places , but people I would love to spend quality time together . Have long casual , open , and emotional deep talk , doesn't matter where , I would be the present person .

How do I like to express my appreciation for someone ?

I am not best at expressing my appreciation for someone verbally . It always come in a form of text . It could be handwriting letter or emotional online message . Sometimes I express the appreciation using songs that make me think of them or us .

What is one thing I wish people understand about me ?

One thing I wish people understand about me is that I carry mental illness with me all the time . Sometimes I can't be functional like other normal people and need practical help . It is not special treatment that I demand , but real awareness about mental health issue .

Answering these deep questions was quite calming . The feeling I get is different unlike when answering other previous prompts . Perhaps too , I am in good condition to sort of my mind right now . I believe attended the therapy two days ago does helping too . I am grateful that the first session wasn't a bad experience .

Until here , I promise to come back here again . I just know that I am meant to write hehe . Mind to leave your sweet comment too . See you in next post , sweetie . Bye bye

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Hiccup

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Oversharing felt wrong . The more I explained , the more silly it seemed . The more words I uttered , the least I understood it myself . The more I wanted to make it clear , the least I believed my own words . Every word that came out from my mouth was accompanied by mocking giggle and crowd noises in my head . I couldn't hear myself and both of my auditory and visual senses were messed up . The message I wanted to deliver , the conversation I wanted to make , everything just didn't feel right .

Yet , not sharing anything felt wrong too . The more I tried to silent my thoughts , the more often it would reappeared . The more I pent up my thoughts and feelings to myself , the heavier both of my head and heart felt . Even writing it down was just a temporary relief . Later on , the same thoughts would came back and messed up with me again . It was very frustrating up to painful that I could feel the killing tension around my head . My respiratory system felt narrow as well as many small pricking on my chest .

Speaking up was a great torture , every time . Spilling out overwhelming thoughts and feelings was like be forced to vomit while had my throat choked at the same time . The hiccup I made wasn't like some common sobbing . I felt like a blunt object was hitting my jugular notch repetitively , every hit was deep . I had my chest and lungs feeling acute pain . My hands were trembling terribly , as if receiving constant electric shot . I had my eyes closed , feeling the pain and shock all over my body , in dark blank .

Despite have such deep awareness about my condition , the war I have with self stigma is still going on endlessly . It's embarrassing that I express how weak I can be , while others seem confront it all fine . It's embarrassing that I express how much pain I have to take , while others have theirs untold and normalized . It's embarrassing that I express myself the way I am , while others carry themselves like proud blooming flowers . It's embarrassing that self stigma still winning .

I feel like shit . I think like shit . But my body still has me
in between denial and reality check .

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Quiet Character

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum . . .

[ Another messy , mix up rant . Anyway , happy reading ! ]

I copied a lot of things from observing people while growing up and becoming adult . I copied how to be friendly , let people feel less awkward when they are with me . Especially , when we are yet familiar with each other . I copied how far I'm allowed to tease someone with some silly jokes , let the person smile without feeling down about themselves . I copied how rude I can be , the bare minimum just enough to relieve myself alone . I copied how to show affection and expression , almost like fictional character but I never lie about how I feel .

I copied a lot of things those I received least while growing up and becoming adult . I made myself into puppet yet seems alive . At some point , I let people played with me less from time to time . Later then , I played a character myself and interacted with them . Unfortunately , there is one thing I'm still failed to copy called sympathy , even though I'm made with built-in hypersensitive empathy .

I also analyzed a lot of things those I experienced from and with people at first time and a few times later . I analyzed the effects of those experiences to myself . How do I feel about it ? What does my mind says about it ? Should I adjust it or just simply copy it as it is ? How do I want to feel about it ? How can I convey similar good energy to the other ? Or maybe , should I won't let myself to experience it again ?

Realizing how very unexpressive I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very deep the roots have reached underneath don't make me feel good . Realizing how my thoughtful mind and informative speech are dysfunctional when I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how very unfriendly and affectionless I'm at home don't make me feel good . Realizing how I internalize to put all the blames on myself about don't make me feel good .

I'm too early yet adult enough (maybe) to think about parenting and childhood trauma . Perhaps , I'm just redirecting my overwhelming personal grief , turn it into something that it's not all about me but us . Perhaps too , my empathy is restless from not doing anything under act of rescue (as if) , even though it may not makes anything becomes better . Or I'm just clueless yet nosy .

Not all quiet children are just quiet . Not all quiet children are just well behaved . They cry soon after they're born . They throw tantrums out of feeling stress and angry . They make sounds and pronounce words soon when they able to . They are hyperactive that even adults can't match with the energy . Formerly , children aren't make to be quiet because their whole system is progressing and developing . Quiet children should have their own way to be expressive , accompany by adults . Quiet is loud too . 

Have you started wondering why some children are quiet and well behaved ? Have you started wondering what quiet children have in their mind ? Good adults are not perfect . Good adults make mistake . Good adults miss many steps . Good adults may not seen as such by children and it remains unsaid by them . Good adults won't ever get to hear it at all when quiet children started have their own personality and ways of thinking . Quiet children won't ever speak again .

Why we stop listening to children once they can speak clearly , unlike before ?

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