What Did The Therapist Say ?

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Hello , owlies ! I'm back , as promised . Hmm if you read my previous blog post , I did mention about that I have back to therapy now . I just had my first session last Tuesday . I felt very nervous the moment I woke up on that day . I even skipped my lunch and attended the session with empty stomach .

The session started with I was asked to answer DASS test , sure not a new thing to me . The result was as expected too in which I got maximum mark for Depression and Anxiety . Meanwhile the mark for Stress showed as less severe , neared to medium level . Here , the real therapy session begun .

The session lasted for about an hour and half . There was no moment my eyes didn't holding back tears yet the tears eventually fell . I was choking in between words I tried to utter . There were times silence lingered in the room but not my sobbing . Skip the long chat I had with the therapist , here in my tonight's post , I would like to share what did my therapist say from our first session and what I think about it , as much as I can remember .

"Saya guna term awak , (tak ada) emotional drive . Ni sebenarnya awak demotivated ." I acknowledge this opinion . This is exactly how I have been feeling for one whole year now . I can hardly feel and want to start things . I don't have desire to really chase certain things in my life . I feel stuck and don't feel like to go anywhere . I have lost my emotional drive .

"Uish , awak masak . Ni maknanya awak masih ada rasa nak give something to someone , be considerate . Ayah awak ." Here he pointed out the little good thing that I have never seen so , giving something . I have been growing the thought from time to time that I am a burden and useless , have nothing good to offer .

"Tempat tidur okay kan . Awak masih boleh tidur . (Tempat tidur) bersih ." The love-hate relationship I have with my room is endless . It is the worst and most shameful place in the house and sure I forbids anyone entrance . Only after his point , I came to realize that I still can keep my bed comfortable , still aware of my personal needs .

"Benda (motivation) ni sebenarnya mula daripada minat . Apa yang kita suka ." This is THE POINT . I am a person who does thing by emotional drive . I do things that I feel good about ; before , during , and after . What made me keep going during study ? What made me seeking job and going to work ? What made me start joining dropship ? I felt good . I liked what I do . Sadly , not anymore . Not now .

"Awak keluar ke bandar . Just untuk aktifkan sensory . Ni membantu juga . Tengok orang . Touching grass ." Sensory reactivation . My mind was clicked the moment 'sensory' was mentioned . Those little information related to mental health and nervous system I had read started appearing . Now 'touching grass' doesn't seem dull in my head . I do need to go out , even just for nothing .

"Awak ni okay . Masih okay . Awak masih ada motivation . Cuma kena polish lagi ." Really ? I'm not as brave as I used to anymore . I feel fear very often , most of the time . I even decided to cut ties I have for emotions and memories , out of feeling constant pain to want deep connection plus moving on from separation . Missing someone special is heartbreaking , and with that many years had passed .

"Saya cadangkan awak teruskan , buat je apa yang awak buat sekarang ." Is this okay ? The way he said the line was quite comforting , as if these little things I have done which never feel enough to me and made me ask my worth , are actually helping in someway . Is this really okay ? I am struggling to feel such , yet I am still wise to agree . I still can do .

"Session kita ni tak payah formal . Santai je ." Such simple words sounded really intentional to my hearing . I started realizing how I usually functioned quite formal or half casual when I attended therapy session in the past . I tried to act friendly as if I was breaking the awkwardness I felt but actually the act was more likely one of survival mode , to not receive bad impression or cause the other feeling bad . I well known how very tall and thick my wall is .

It would be lie if I didn't have thin tears in my eyes while writing this . Remembering all this kind words I had received is like rubbing medicine on wounds . It stings and I endure the sharp , burning pain . How much hurt I have caused to myself ? How severe the wounds I carry all this time have become ? How weak and sick I am now ? I feel very sad and sorry for myself .

I wonder if I still can write in a few days later . If I still have thoughts and feelings to write about . If I still can write with proper words , without tangled thoughts . I am grateful that I still like writing , a way for me to express myself . I have left my diary unwritten for a very long time . At least , I still want to come back here and feeling the ease in my heart while writing . Until here then . Good night . 

Receiving kindness can feel like burning pain while having medicine rubbing on wounds .