Hiccup

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

Oversharing felt wrong . The more I explained , the more silly it seemed . The more words I uttered , the least I understood it myself . The more I wanted to make it clear , the least I believed my own words . Every word that came out from my mouth was accompanied by mocking giggle and crowd noises in my head . I couldn't hear myself and both of my auditory and visual senses were messed up . The message I wanted to deliver , the conversation I wanted to make , everything just didn't feel right .

Yet , not sharing anything felt wrong too . The more I tried to silent my thoughts , the more often it would reappeared . The more I pent up my thoughts and feelings to myself , the heavier both of my head and heart felt . Even writing it down was just a temporary relief . Later on , the same thoughts would came back and messed up with me again . It was very frustrating up to painful that I could feel the killing tension around my head . My respiratory system felt narrow as well as many small pricking on my chest .

Speaking up was a great torture , every time . Spilling out overwhelming thoughts and feelings was like be forced to vomit while had my throat choked at the same time . The hiccup I made wasn't like some common sobbing . I felt like a blunt object was hitting my jugular notch repetitively , every hit was deep . I had my chest and lungs feeling acute pain . My hands were trembling terribly , as if receiving constant electric shot . I had my eyes closed , feeling the pain and shock all over my body , in dark blank .

Despite have such deep awareness about my condition , the war I have with self stigma is still going on endlessly . It's embarrassing that I express how weak I can be , while others seem confront it all fine . It's embarrassing that I express how much pain I have to take , while others have theirs untold and normalized . It's embarrassing that I express myself the way I am , while others carry themselves like proud blooming flowers . It's embarrassing that self stigma still winning .

I feel like shit . I think like shit . But my body still has me
in between denial and reality check .