It Is Not Safe To Be Safe

Bismillah . Assalamualaikum ,

I just finished my afternoon shower when I found out there were 2 missed calls from psychiatry clinic . The second I thought of whether to return the call or not , a call came in . I was told by my therapist that he had to cancel my session on that day because he had emergency appointment to attend and he would arranged new date and called me later .

One week passed and I still didn't receive any call from him . I thought of to make the call myself yet two weeks passed and I didn't make any call . Actually , I had been contemplating whether to continue receiving therapy or not for almost 2 months . Somehow , I had started feeling unsafe to attend the therapy out of fear to get attach to it and be dependent .

Since the last session on March 26 , I had this false alarm been messing around in my head said "It is not safe to be safe" . I was very familiar with this thought and feeling . As a person who have had constantly carrying emotional pain from trying to survive rather than living for my whole life , my nerves system have had got used to be on alert over both known and unknown threat or danger .

As I was going back and forth considering the thought and convincing myself to continue attend the therapy at the same time , I happened missed my appointment with psychiatrist on July 22 . It took just seconds to decide that I need to book new date the next day . Instead of make a call as suggested prior , I intentionally walked in .

After I had booked the psychiatry appointment's date , somehow I gathered my last bit of courage and walked in the therapy unit . I had my therapy appointment booked too . I was glad that no staff and nurse lashed at me for missing my appointment . I had been feeling anxious and kind of emotionally prepared for the worst since I was still at home .

Meanwhile I had the psychiatry appointment booked on August 19 , the therapy appointment was set on set on July 24 .  Unlike last session on June 18 , my mental health wasn't in best condition . I had moment of blank mind and quietly crying just like during other previous sessions . I did tell my therapist about the "It is not safe to be safe" false alarm and the intense fear that had been building up over time .

In the past , I had gone missing in air on counselling after three sessions and therapy after one session . I thought the history will be repeated this time too . I almost didn't make it . Yet I ended up sitting in front of my therapist anyway even though I had my trust wavered and my mind was unsure about decision I had made .

While I was still feeling unsafe during the session , I realized that my physical response says otherwise . The quiet cry , heavy dropped shoulders , and fidgeting trembling hands that I experienced were signs that my nerves system was responding to "Safe" and relieving the accumulated stress I had been carrying all this time .

There was something about the room's surrounding . Even though the wall wasn't sound proof and he intentionally let the door opened as supposed , I could sense this soothing and cooling quietness that embraced me while I was burning like over long running machine that was about to explode in anytime . By sense , I meant physically .

Meanwhile I feel okay that I have medicine to consume forsake of my mental health , I don't feel the same for receiving therapy . Meanwhile I feel okay to depend on medicine , I don't feel okay to depend on emotional support from someone . To have going through this struggle , I do pity myself . I feel sad for myself . The dark truth about healing is that it is just another kind of survival .

Trauma isn't always about what had happened , but also about what had never happened .