The Second Lesson : Math

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, people! How're you doing?
Have you had your lunch?
I just finished mine and I am feeling quite elevated to make this post.
This is the first very real post of this July after a few drops of poem lol.
So let's give it a go. Enjoy your reading time!

Since my second breaking point, I have been keep mentioning from my a few previous posts that this time is different for me. Something is getting worst. Something which I don't even really know how accurate my calculation about it. I just feel that way. However, behind and between those overwhelming negative emotions, I think I am getting my second lesson right now. If the first taught me about self love or maybe I was actually confused it with self affection, this time I learned about self expression.

I had realized this long ago even before my first breaking point. I do have resentments, disappointments, angers, sadness and other more emotions that I never express and let it out. I frightened the judgement of people around me and even me claimed myself for being oversensitive. So I pushed those feelings away, hid it deeper inside me, like those difficult mathematics questions that I did not want to spare my little time to figure them out or at least read the questions fully.

I noticed I had been piling up those unfinished homework. Made them looked like paper trash while they were actually important documents. And when those papers had been too high to balance their stand, they fall on me like a massive stone which that was my second breaking point.

I thought I have been wonderfully open, approachable, understanding, accepting and positive about my surrounding. I did but maybe not yet fully hundred percent. Maybe not even half of it. I realized those are just a part of self love which is self affection. I accepted my flaws, tried to understand my surrounding and the people, opened at both mind and heart, and embraced my positive vibes while I actually still didn't get the homework done. My mathematics questions.

Maybe it is not only me but most of us are confused about good vibes. I learned it is not only about how great or mood today, what's the new experience, accomplishment, who do we hanging out with or meeting today and more good things that happened. It also about how bad our mood today, what's the little efforts we made, that very little progress, who do we find in ourselves today and more negatives vibes after another.

Even though we could not figure out the why and what, feelings are made to be felt either bad or good. Pretending we're okay and forcing ourselves to feel okay are small attempts of pushing away those emotions that we think they are bad and poisonous. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to cry when we feel like to cry even though we don't know the significant reason. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sensitive, and emotional. Even our prophets felt those. But they kept it in control. Just right in the boundary. We can volume up the speaker as high as we can but not to the point of disturbing the neighbors. We supposed to do it in our boundary or area. In other word, controlled.

I know I have been moody most of the times since my second breaking point. Little(*not serious) suicide thoughts came a few times in a month. Same goes with crying and other emotional things.But I think this is quite fair and perfectly square. I had been always acting and trying to be happy before, even to the point of pushing away other feelings was like a reflex, spontaneous and arrogant. So maybe this time it is okay to dwell a little bit more and express it a little bit often. Maybe this time is not the time to show self affection but self expression. I am going to read my mathematics questions properly even though I cannot figure out the answer yet. Bit by bit.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
I do have more to write. Maybe later.
When I have the right words to share with you guys.
Thank you for your time and concern!
Oh, and hello July! I am late again lol.
See you. xoxo =)










When you're feeling okay without trying to feel okay,
that means you're really really okay.





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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-