Invalid Stigma

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?

Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha

Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.

Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.

Have a good rest everyone and good night!

See you. Bubye =)

Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.