Be Patient With Patient

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! Long time no see y'all.
How're you doing?

September had long gone and I'm still not saying my goodbye. I'm even very very very late to greet the October now. Anyway, night all! I'm here again after almost a month went silent. I'm having upset stomach right now. Guess it's because I was late for my dinner again. Yesterday I had it late too and it was quite unhealthy because I only had instant cup noodle. I even had bad routine yesterday by sleeping all day long right after my no-rice-lunch-but-only-biscuits-and-bread lol.

I'm supposed to proceed making progress on my final year project right now but I don't feel like to do it anyway. Even though I had it planned this afternoon after crying out of feeling anxious, thinking that I'm still don't have satisfying progress to be updated to my supervisor. I had informed him last week during our first meeting after a month the semester started, "I'll do have progress but it will be slow (like slowest ever)." I texted him while crying and he let me proceed with the system first and don't worry about the documents/reports yet. He is such a nice person. Too nice that I could not help to not feeling guilty and ashamed. He had helped me a lot since two last semesters. Again, he is indeed very nice and patient.

Patience. That's what I need the most right now. Not only from people around me, but also from myself. I have been on medication for 2 months and a half now. And my pill had changed from sertraline to venlafaxine. I love to call it Venus hehe. I'm also came out a name for sertraline -- Saturn. Cute, isn't it? I'm now on my second week with Venus. This pill causes sleepiness but I don't think it's working to make me go to sleep right after taking it. Well, maybe my body as well as my brain ares till working to get used to it.

I'm already transferred to HTAA, Kuantan. Last wednesday was my second appointment. The doctor was nice and I always love the discussion we had. Of course, I'm not the type of patient who only listen. I love asking, getting advices, giving opinions, and sharing mutual decisions or conclusions. No mention easily triggered and crying in front the doctor lol. She was just skillful at doing those politely and I don't hate it at all. The most important is, not only the doctor but also nurses were highly patient. It could be because they were trained and are working for psychiatry. Yet again, I don't hate it at all.

This mid semester break I'll go back home. Well, actually I was asked to. There is something need to be done at home. My father had asked my confirmation for twice. He also told me that he met a imam and asked him regarding my mental illness. I was frustrated as soon as I was told. Last July, only in a week after I started my medication, he took me for ruqyah without any discussion. And here he met some other imam 2 months after. I'm far from misunderstanding his love and concern. But what's putting me into discomfort here is how he seems make my voice and opinions invalid. Shortly, he's been impatient. I understand why but I won't let it pass if this continued.

This is another example of stigma. It's not always come in harshness way but also in politeness. It has been difficult for me trying to break my own stigma toward my own mental illness and be more patient with myself than years before. But when these closest people keep pushing me like I don't make any effort or improvement, I feel disregarded and invalidated. I do need solid support as well as advice sometimes. And along with those, I'm also need patience.

From perspective of a healthy person, I'm now not in my good condition as good as 3 to 4 years ago. My movements and progresses are at their slowest pace ever. I'm ill and just start taking treatment. While from perspective of a ungealthy person, I'm doing my best. I'm already hit my limit and I need some more rest. I make efforts but most of them happens and done in my brain as well as my body. As my final line of this late night post, be patient with patient.

Thank you for your time and concern.
Have a good rest and good night!
See you. Bubye =)




Everything is subjective. It is all depend on one's perspective.
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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-