ELFiction : Way Home (Part 3)

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


A few minutes later, the bus arrived and I departed from the bus stop. I had my usual seat where it used to be empty. My journey back to home was still as nervous as always. Just like the dark cloud which finally poured out the rain. It was heavy and cold. The rain and also this feeling that kept pressing on my chest like a huge rock.

I started to reminisce some memories from my childhood. It started with something good but as I went deeper of why it was good, I found the reason was because there was something bad before that and the flashback just stopped there. I was trapped inside that old memories and hurtful emotions. One of those memories was the day I had picnic with my family by the river and I drowned myself because I tried to approach some children who was playing at the deeper side when I did not even knew how to swim. It was sad and lonely that even in the end I can’t got close to them.

“Can I sit here?” I was distracted by a familiar voice.

“Sure.”

Yesung sat beside me. His hair and school uniform that he wore were all soaked. I did not knew he would be at this stop or was it because I used to take the late one so we never met before. What a strange day. But it was still suffocating as always.

“You look dry. Where are you from?” Yesung asked.

“School.” I answered.

“Strange. Why am I the only is soaked by the rain here? We’re in the same school uniform though. Is it my unlucky day?” Yesung was mumbling to himself and I did not had intention to interrupt. “Wait. Are you in your way home?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Then, why do we never meet before?”

I let his question unanswered. I had lost my mood to make a conversation. It felt like I had talked quite a lot since I walked with Sungmin and met Kangin back then. It was a struggle but I tried to keep it on but now I just wanted to feel the way I feel and stopped pretending. I knew it was wrong to make Yesung as the victim but I did not had any second thought.

“Do you hate me or something?” I fixed my eyes toward him. Waiting for the next line. “I know you don’t talk to people much. I just thinking if you have other reasons for being quiet. Don’t you?”

I did not why, I did not even how or when, but right now I did felt hate. I hate that he was thinking of my reasons for being quiet. I hate his question that make me felt like I was being read. I hate wondering if he was just simply tried to find topic of a conversation or actually curious for my answer.

“Okay. Let’s do it this way. I’ll tell you three things I like and I dislike and you’ll do the same.” He suggested. “Okay. Firstly, I like watching movie alone. Your turn.” He forced me with an excited face he showed to me.

“Music.”

“Okay. Secondly, I like coffee.” He gave me the same look again.

“Ice cream.”

“Cool. Last one. I like wearing white.”

“Black.”

“Cool. It’s working. Okay. Now is three things we dislike. You first.” He pointed at me and I cannot help to not giving him an annoyed face.

I sighed.

“I hate…morning.”

“Okay. I dislike height.”

I gave a hard thought even though I did not intended to do so.

“Come on. You can do it. The second one.” He pushed me.

“…Perfume.”

“Oh, really? Okay. I dislike…rain. I’m all wet now though.” He complained.

I took a breath, wishing this would be the last line of this unnecessary conversation.

“I hate…” Me. That was what I thought. “…coffee.”

“I see. Alright. We’re almost done. I dislike secrets.” I looked at him with full attention. Yes. I was curious about this last point. “I don’t know how should I describe this but secrets make me feel curious to the point I will start to feel anxious or insecure about it. So…I hate it. Besides, I’m not the type to keep secrets too much. There must be at least one person I would let my secrets are known.”

I see. He was just someone who was straightforward in both words and actions. He knew very clear what and how he was feeling and tried to overcome it or just kept it under control. He was opened and ready to do so for anyone. I was quite offended.

“See. It was not so hard to be open. Now I know six things about you. It does not has to be something big or heavy. Some little things are actually meaningful too. Not only to you but also to the person who you tell to. I hope you can be more open to people around you. I’m not saying it’s bad to be introverted. Just so you know, there are more people who want to know you. Maybe there are more who want to hold and support you. Who knows, right?”

He make me all speechless. Why and how this unnecessary conversation suddenly turned out to be some serious talk? Or was it just me being serious and overreacted? Of all people I knew, why it felt like this one classmate that I never talked to seemed knew things that I really wanted to hear? It felt like I was being scolded and comforted at the same time. I just wanted to hide myself right now and start crying.

“If you can’t put it into words, you can just show it through actions. Like…crying?”

The bus stopped at its third stop. There were a few people went in but I did not really wanted to pay attention to them though. I kept my face facing the window and only saw everything through the reflection. I even saw Yesung putted on his bag and started standing.

“This is my stop. It’s a well going conversation. See you, tomorrow.” He said and leaved.




To be continued...






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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-