The Nonstandard Standard

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! How's your day?
I've been feeling okay since I woke up this morning.
By the way, I missed my sahur for the first time. ugh
So for today post, I hope it won't be something too personal like most of the previous posts.
I wish to make this one more like words of wisdom or a little unprofessional advice.
Let me just boost this positive vibe of mine after quite awhile.

Everything has its standard. In my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Why would a car has four tires instead of two just like a motorcycle when both are vehicles? Isn't that also to make it more balance and in addition less harmful? Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. Agree? If you're as dumb as me, let's go through the second paragraph lol. Oof! My hands are all sweating right now.

Standard has its good purpose. Not only for things, but also for human. We're all have our own standard. Somehow, even that standard becomes a priority to us. For instance, walking in heels too long can causes my legs in pain so I would wear sneakers if I mean to walk for a long time. Also it is more safe and stable. So that is my standard. My priority. Each person may has different standard, or may not. Because, the first thing first, we're all just simply human. It's undeniable that we're also has something in common. For example, our sadness has its standard to cause our eyes shedding tears or at least a strange little pain in our chest.

Until now, we're aware that standard has its purpose and we're all not that so much different. Okay. I think I'm still doing it good lol. Here comes a little tension. Despite of its good purpose and many commons between us human, we unknowingly have misused it. Standard abuse, if I would name it. Why do we have to keep and use that nonstandard standard? Confused? Let's go through the next paragraph.

We're all born with same system. Though there are some of us who are special, but we're still the same living human. We breathe air. We digest what had be eaten. We think. We react. We feel. And yes, we're all have bad habit of temporarily forgetting things. We forget that there are a few moments which we would foolishly judge ourselves when we think other people foolishly judge us. We forget that standing in front of the class could be so much nerve wrecking that we could end up crying instead of presenting our name. We forget that what we do to other people is just as similar as what other people did to us. And then, we start to grow this simple powerful phrase "standard lah tu."

Excuse for my next line because it could be quite personal. After all, I just can't help it lol. I shared with a friend of how was I feeling when a nurse I met while I was going to make my very first appointment with a psychologist told me "anxiety je kot" right to my face when that moment I was all confused, anxious, and scared. Thankful to my half sane mind that I still could rationalized myself "Okey. Mungkin dia dah biasa hadap patient jadi tak ada yang aneh atau luar biasa bagi dia." Yet I still had this part of my mind "mungkin aku boleh rasional. tapi berapa orang yang trigger dengan statement yang clumsy macam tu?" I was crying right after I was home, trying to fight this inferiority thinking maybe I was just overreacted or misunderstood what she tried to deliver. And this friend of mine gave that respond, "Standard lah tu."

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Dear, friends. It is not about "she's sick so we've to be careful." It's about be caring. It supposed to be "be careful so she won't get hurt." Don't we all love this proverb, "an apple a day, keep the doctor away." Yes, we're all have our standard. But we're wrong about standard has its good purpose. There are some standards that are just simply unnecessary such as paying attention to people who you actually don't want to pay attention to, badmouthing people who you never even talk to, and judging even when you still don't go through the right process of getting to know. It's indeed personal to me, but I also concern about those who are going through the same thing as what I had went through and I'm sure there are more who are now affected by this nonstandard standard of us.

I know we can't stop a person from feeling nervous or overthinking. But what we can do is kindness. Make it less than it is. Less hurt. Less painful. So it is faster to heal. Last night I had encountered many heartbreaking posts from a few blogs just only in 2-3 hours. They were all feeling down, confused, anxious, and have been crying often. I may not know what they are going through but because we're all human and supposed we're all just can relate to those feelings and emotions, thus I really hope those who are having difficult time with themselves would get better and fully heal. To be honest, I just don't want there are more as broken as me. Thinking about it is just terrifying. Either they are just simply temporarily feeling of sadness or it has been like forever, I am just concern.

Repeat after my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. So, please. Please don't hurt any more people. Allah tak campak Adam a.s dan Hawa ke bumi supaya cucu ciciknya saling menyakiti. Ini adalah penjara yang disiapkan istimewa untuk kita semua. Di sini kita tak semata-matanya menunggu hari penghukuman. Di sini kita boleh tebus salah kita right on time dan inshaallah mungkin kurang satu hukuman. Di sini kita tidak sendiri. Sedangkan Allah tetap pertemukan Adam a.s dan Hawa semula walaupun telah dipisah jauh ke dua tempat yang berbeza.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See you =)






let go the past, forget about the future, and live the present.
at least for today, let's be happy once again.






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How Do I Look At People

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Assalamualaikum...
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Night, people! Dah nak tidur ke tu? Well, Farahin pun mengantuk juga ni. Memang akhir-akhir ni tidur awal, bangun awal. Just absolutely not my usual routine haha. But...come on lah. Final exam baru je habis. Thinking I would go to sleep a little bit late today lol. Anyway, I have been thinking about this one thing this few days. How do I look at people? How DID I look at people?

Since the day I still remember, maybe when I was three or four which ayah photographed me using that square sony camera, or maybe when I was five or six when I had this few friends who much older than me, I remember I did not had good impression about people. Not in overall, but most of it.

I thought there was nothing called "friendship" and "friends" when ada beberapa insan ni semudahnya keluar masuk through me like a door. Semalam elok, hari ni tiba-tiba pusing belakang, esok mencari semula. I thought "friendship" and "friends" were synonyms of an act for just simply having fun forsake of oneself.

Lagi pula I felt like there were these eyes that I kept looking at me like I was an abnormal exhibition. They were curious, wondering, but most of them did not even dared to come closer to take a look at this "strange artifact". I hate that little attitude. This did not only started and simply stopped at zaman sekolah rendah, ironinya it kept happening until secondary school, pmr, spm, matriculation, and now I am already in university.

The way people treated me, the way I felt they treated me, their look, their whispers, it was a huge challenge for a child me. I think it also distracted my mental and personality growth. Especially, when I started to doubt myself. "Pelik sangat ke aku ni?". "Teruk ke kalau aku jenis pendiam?". "Buruk ke kalau mata aku sepet macam anak cina?". "Salah ke aku hias rambut ke sekolah?". I slowly started to grow prejudice towards this world and its people. Towards life.

Piece by piece, dari benda yang I can just looked away and pretended to not hear, told myself that orang macam ni tak perlukan perhatian aku, no matter how much I had got used to it, the pain was still there. It healed and it opened again and it healed again and...

Guess, my last puppy love or maybe a first love (?) was the best piece I had yet even that was broken in a way that I think no one should experienced it. And guess that was when everything started to fall into many tiny pieces. And at that moment, I thought to kept all these pieces hidden inside me and build a new character who is positive, open, and approachable were the best solution.

At age 16, I started to grow myself again. I slowly stopped being prejudice about people. Kita semua sama. Manusia semuanya serupa. Mereka pandang aku pelik? Benda biasa. They were just curious. Aku pun macam tu. I stopped hating and blaming people. Yet I reminded myself that, if I have flaws so do they and so there is nothing to complain about. No need to differentiate anyone, we are just human with reactions and emotions.

Life was slowly changing. My life. From matriculation until university today, I had friends or at least acquaintances that would waved and greet me in the middle of way. Even I did not found it was too difficult to meet new people, besides I was just simply nervous and excited. Berbeza dengan zaman kanak-kanak until sekolah. I felt very grateful that people saw me and remembered me even when I was always walking with my head down.

Alhamdulillah. I felt better. All the pain that I had endured since I was very young to understand it, the risks and efforts I made to present myself a bit more to people, finally they saw me and wanted to get to know me. However, there were more than this.

I never forgot those tiny pieces I kept it hidden inside me. I should had knew since I was 15, when I secretly made three little cuts on my left wrist, those pieces were actually started to stab me to destroy me. From feeling sudden changes in mood in a day, to a feeling of worthless and helpless, until a day in a year where I would trembling cold with urge to kill myself or at least to hurt myself.

Lillahi Taala. Hidup ini hanya kerana Allah. Dengan namaMu Ya Allah, aku hidup dan mati. I kept myself clean from any more scars. Cukuplah tiga parut yang semakin mengecil ini. Cukuplah dosa yang paling besar aku pernah buat. Nyawa ini amanah. Tubuh ini amanah. Bukan sebarangan nikmat. Bukan sebarangan pinjaman. Hidup aku tak minta tapi diberi. Begitu juga halnya dengan mati.

I thought I did well. I thought I felt better. I thought I was ready for it when I knew it was about to make another struck last March. Two sleepless nights with resentful cries and suicide thoughts, and the next day I just knew it would struck at anytime. Despite all the experiences, all the begging I asked for mercy from my insane self, all the inside screams calling for Allah, I lost again. Another sin? More like another crime. I know something is changing. Something bad or maybe worst. Something that I could not just simply say "it's okay". Now, I don't question how do I look at people anymore. But how do I look at myself???


Allahu. It's a long long long post again lol.
I'm sorry. See you =)








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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-