Remember Me By My Name

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! How was your day?
Masih beraya ke? Hati-hati. Haha
Sementara menghadamkan kuih raya tu,
meh jemput baca post ni. Hehe

Recently, mood bujo Farahin datang semula. Dah macam bermusim pula. Yang tak tahu apa benda bujo tu, nama penuhnya bullet journal. Something more like planner and diaries. Even though Farahin tak hebat dalam planning, I just do what I want to do with my bujo. It's my bujo after all lol.

That's the introduction. Ceritanya yang ini. So today I reminisced the same bad memories again. About my childhood, school and more. I knew I can't help it. Farahin tak boleh nak paksa this mind of mine macam tekan suis lampu. It wasn't that easy anymore.

However, I decided not to let myself drowning deep into it. Tak tahu mana datang that strength. Tapi this few days mood Farahin so-so. Not too bad, not too good either. I think one of the reasons mungkin hasil dari masa Farahin spend layankan bujo and train my creative side of my mind.

Jadi within all those bad memories, slowly I decided to pause it at a few moments. Moments which friends and people, even relatives gave me names. Nicknames --- Budak/Anak Cina, Joyah, Sepet, Budak Jepun, Oshin, Budak Kpop, Suju.

I know. Some of y'all mesti rasa those names macam mencaci. And I know. Some of y'all can take it positively. I learned it in a very hard way to see and hear that name positively. Ya. Mula-mula memang rasa macam orang ketawakan kita. Judged me in a way I never asked for. Tapi fortunately, painfully, difficultly, I tried to learn that there were nothing wrong about those names.

Budak/Anak Cina --- Ya. Nenek moyang aku ada darah cina.
Joyah --- Ya. Aku kepoh masa budak-budak dulu.
Sepet --- Ya. Mata aku sepet.
Budak Jepun --- Ya. I can relate to that.
Oshin --- Ya. Drama tu femes, kan? I can relate to that too.
Budak Kpop --- Ya. Aku tahu. Memang minat aku.
Suju --- Ya. Itu nama maya aku.

Ya. Those name muncul dalam cara yang Farahin susah nak terima, kecuali Budak Kpop dan Suju. Munculnya ia buat Farahin rasa kecil dan hina. Buat Farahin tertanya-tanya "kenapa panggil aku macam tu?" Tapi Farahin bukan orang yang pantas bertanya kenapa kepada sesiapa sahaja. Sebaliknya, Farahin cari sendiri jawapannya dalam otak Farahin yang pada ketika itu masih sedang membina.

Susahnya. Susahnya seorang budak perempuan nak kenal logik sebuah pemikiran positif pada masa itu. Tapi akhirnya Farahin dapat juga bina pemahaman sendiri. Tak apa. Mungkin itu cara orang nak kenal aku. Mungkin dengan nama-nama begitu buat mereka senang nak ingat aku. Jadi Farahin membesar dengan pemahaman ini.

Cuma bila nama Budak Kpop dan Suju tu muncul, Farahin baru reti tunjuk protes. Kalau kau kenal aku, kalau kau tahu nama aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku. Aku faham pasal gelaran umum Budak Kpop dalam kalangan orang kita. Tapi Suju (Elfarahin) cuma wujud di alam maya. Kalau kau kawan aku, panggil aku dengan nama aku.

Farahin appreciated cara diaorang approached Farahin. If that name made them interested to me. But who knows, tak semua orang can take it seriously as serious as I did. Ada sebab kenapa Farahin stay dengan nama Suju Elfarahin. Ya. Paling basic sebab I am that one of crazy fan, that is some people would called. But there is more about it which I can choose not to tell.

Sambil layankan emosi dan memori, Farahin doodled those names on my bujo. Creatively. Beautifully. Cutely. Menggigil tangan. Berpeluh sejuk. Dekat dada ni ada rasa sakit yang Farahin tahan. Tapi Farahin beritahu dekat diri, it's a healing. A painful healing, Farahin. Ada juga moments Farahin terketawa sendiri masa doodling sebab teringatkan muka-muka kelakar dan happy diaorang bila panggil Farahin dengan nama-nama tu.

Such a hard process, wasn't it? Farahin tahu bangun hanya bila Farahin jatuh. Farahin tahu sembuh hanya bila Farahin sakit. Tapi nak bangun tu bukan senang. Nak sembuh tu bukan sekejap. It doesn't matter what they called me. What matter is how. While some of them panggil Farahin with those names like it was common, there were some yang mungkin seakan mengejek.

I know we were too young. Apa yang kita tahu cuma ketawa dan berseronok. I understand. Tapi ia bukannya benda biasa yang patut dibiasakan. Besides we were too young, we were growing. Kulit benih tu masih bersisa. Akar pun tak cukup kuat. Baru kenal matahari. Nak bau tanah. Nak rasa air. Jadi jangan diperkecilkan. Jangan dibuat main sembarangan.

Jadi I have an advice to parents yang anak-anak masih kecil, masih muda, masih belajar hendak kenal dunia, ajarlah. Teach them to call people by their names. Teach them yang mak ayah kawan-kawannya susah payah beri nama kepadanya jadi panggilnya dengan nama yang betul. Sekalipun nak ditimang-timang dengan nama timangan, biarlah nama yang kawannya suka dan terima.

Farahin tak ada anak. Kahwin atau tak pun belum tahu. But I told this through my experiences. Through my memories and feelings. Through my pains. Yang lepas memang dah lepas. But I don't want to see more unnecessary hurting between us. I don't need to know their names, your names, to care. Because we are all human and we are worthy for each other.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern!
See you =)



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bismillah. =) -12/09/2019-