Elevated Mood

Assalamualaikum

Hello, readers. How're you today? It's already passed noon. I pray things will get better for you and ease you. Hmm I wonder what kind of words I will have for this post. Because the truth is a big part of my brain is empty right now. However, I feel like to write and share something with you all.

Two days ago I attended my appointment. Everything was fine. Very fine. Was there any reasons? No. There was no reason. I simply felt excited and a little bit nervous. I had no thoughts or curiosity about what will happen on that day. No mention I didn't look forward on anything. But somehow I was tickled by this feeling to keep smiling and sometimes laughing.

A usual question. The doctor asked, "How was your mood during this one month?" I had a second or two before I started to answer the question with a small laugh, "Pfft! Haha...I'm actually in good mood right now." I kept feeling like to smile and laugh while I was waiting my turn. I had same feeling the moment I went into the doctor's room. And finally, I made her saw and listened to my little laugh. She asked again, "The mood is flat and moderate or actually high?" I answered with no doubt but a smile, "A little bit high." I actually teased myself with the "a little bit." The best answer should be, "high."

I told her that I had been this happy for 4 days. Actually I counted until 5 in my mind but I chose the number before it. I was still in good mood while waiting my medicine at pharmacy. Sometimes I smiled and others I laughed. However, since I wore mask and I didn't really make loud laugh, I didn't think anyone can actually noticed my behavior. I bought ice creams as self reward of the day in my way home. When my mother saw me kept smiling while putting the ice creams into refrigerator, she teased me with her idea that I had something that made me have a long smile. I laughed.

Later, I munched on my oreo biscuit ice cream and played with my phone at the same time. Like usual, I had things to ramble on my instagram stories. Like usual as well, I loved sharing my moment during the appointment. A part of my sharing was, "I'm sick, mother. I smile for no reason. I felt excited who knows why." Yes. I was sick for 4 days straight. Those smiles and laughs was one of my signs. That sudden elevated mood wasn't dangerous and I myself felt confidently safe too. However, physically I can feel that my face muscle was tensed. Not too much. Just uncomfortable.

Since yesterday, now it's my second day feeling calmer. I'm fine. And just fine. I don't make sudden laugh and smile. My face feels relax. My mood too. I'm moderately in good condition. I have doubts in my thoughts which I'm very sure that everyone have them but I still can take control of it. I feel good but the triggers mostly come from me doing my fangirl stuff. My idol is dorky and adorable haha. Also, I think I'm making my baby step to revise my dusty final year project. It's just a super little baby step. But I'm glad that I can do it without feeling deadly anxious like the passing years. And the thank goes to that elevated mood.

I loved to rephrase that I am a mental illness patient who is diagnosed with Bipolar Mood Disorder 2 (BMD2). Mood swing is one of my signs. However, this mood swing often goes high and down too sudden. Just like what happened during the 4 days straight. Sometimes I'm easily irritated and frustrated with things up to everything. And others can be me suddenly have a kindergarten child vibe. Kanak-kanak riang haha. Well, it's not like there is no time which I'm calm and fine. But for me, each mood can be easily tracked. Maybe not by others. Because what they may see is the me that my mother saw on that day.

We often found this kind of phrase or similar somewhere, in this day mostly on the internet, "A person who laughs the most has a lonely heart." The general idea of this phrase is people faking their smiles. However, from my side as a patient, it's true that sometimes we fake our smile during our difficult period. But it doesn't mean there won't be any time which we still can give a true smile. And there is also us who can't control their own smile. Although my condition is not considered as worst of worst, I'm still willing to be the specimen for public.

Smile is contagious. Smile has good impact on others. Smile is a sign of peace. But what kind of smile do you expect from yourself and others? Would you love them less knowing they are actually faking their smiles for you? Would you love them less if they show their true emotions to you? I wish we can stop faking smile but I know it's impossible. Thus, in least case, do smile for yourself too. Give yourself a little time to be loved and cared by you. Give yourself that kindness no one ever give it to you. Celebrate yourself and make yourself special. Because you are one of kind. Different and vibrant. Smile and be open to yourself.

Emotion is a bless. Not a disgrace.