Shameful

Shameful. I wish I don't have to use this harsh word to myself. However, this is what I've been feeling quite awhile now. Currently, I've been on job hunting. Did I have mention that I had quitted my degree? Yes. I did. This is because I felt uncomfortable with student environment. I felt uncomfortable with the stress as if it became unhealthy for me. I dug my mistakes and punished myself too often. I also experienced anxiety attack almost twice to thrice monthly. It took me three days to recover every time. At last, I told myself to accept myself as it was. Knew that I wasn't as capable as my first three years as student and I also had extra commitment in my life called mental illness, I decided to make a difficult decision to end my student life and brought a full luggage of memories, experiences, knowledge, and skills that I had gained in years. Although I gave up the main certificate, I was sure that I wasn't leaving with empty hands. I believe I can use them in the future.

Continue with my job hunting matter, I just started it last week. The first shop I went to ask about job vacancy was also the first shop that received my first time question, "Sini ada kerja kosong tak?" Since it was my first time, it was common that my anxiety acted up. It felt like I had a child with me who was really scared of stranger kept making tantrum and pulling me away to not get any closer to the person who I would like to ask. However, I trusted myself as the adult. As adult, I should persuade and comfort this child. As adult too, I shouldn't neglected her or scolded her as harder as her tantrum. I held her tight in my adult hand so that she would felt safer and less scared. I dragged her with me as gentle as I could. When I was filling my first job application form, I had very poor concentration. I wasn't sure what was I reading, writing, listening and seeing. Everything was somewhat blurry and echoing. It was a difficult moment for me. Fortunately, I passed it. Until now, I had visited quite many shops and asking the same question had been a little bit easier. But still, the anxiety was always there.

Back to the first three sentences in this post, the reason I've been feeling shameful quite awhile now is because I had encouraged myself to repeat this words every time, "I have no experiences." Yes. I have no working experiences. Neither full time nor part time job. Right on 15th day this month, I'm now already 26. At first, I was okay thinking I have no working experience even though I've reached age 26 because no matter what I'm making efforts right now. But lately, I've been feeling I'm shameful. Shameful daughter as well as human. I'm still consoling myself that she's not shameful. That she's courageous to be upfront and honest. However, as confessed so far, I've started feeling difficult doing it. Since I decided to move on from my past life slowly, I've been reminding myself that there is nothing to regret about. No regret about I quitted my study. No regret about I deferred my study for one year because of my mental illness. No regret about I decided to drop the undergraduate project course a few times because I was too anxious to start. Everything I had done in the past was the best I could do at that time. However, lately, a part of me have started throwing seedlings of regret. I need to dig them out as soon as possible. I can feel fear is crawling to choke my courage silently.

Last friday, the last shop I had the job application form filled asked me to submit a few copies to them today. Unfortunately, I couldn't do it because of certain situation. I will submit the copies tomorrow. Although I've been not expecting too much as meeting people and had interviews are also experiences for me, I hope I could get this job. Firstly, it's a shop I like. Secondly, the job is what I would like to try. Thirdly, I wish to feel trusted as a person. During my job hunting, I did expose my mental illness in the form or talked about it in interview. I'm curious about stigma and I would like to speak up for us, patients from my perspective as well as spreading awareness. I did try to get their trust on me. But at last, I know very well that the choice or decision is theirs. Now I've been feeling shameful and a little bit fearful, along with them there is doubt too. I doubt that be open and honest about my mental illness is a good action. So do I really have to hide it like others? Major part of me reject the idea. I believe what I need right now is not to hide the fact that I am a mental illness patient. I believe what I need right now is courage and motivation so that I could do everything I'm doing right now with thicker face and sturdier confidence.

May Allah ease and bless this new life journey of mine. Help me.