I Was a Dreamer

i was a dreamer.

a child who wanted to be a lawyer thought that would make her parent proud.

a pet lover who found out that veterinary is a wonderful career.

a talent in drawing, a desire in writing, fantasized to be one.

i was a dreamer.

one day, i would make my parent happy.

i would make myself beautiful.

just, until when?

since when...

it turn out the dreams were all nightmares.

a child who only wanted to stay in her close room all day.

a pet lover who had lost many of her beloved kittens.

drawing on plain paper but ended up torn it apart.

instead of writing a fiction, i kept myself all silent.

what makes a dreamer is a dream she has.

then,

what makes the one with nightmare?

isn't it also a dream?

then, how can?

how can it be this ugly?

terrifying?

suddenly,

night became so sad.

dark was where i would hide.

cries became my usual lullaby.

regrets chained me during the bright day.

i was a dreamer.

am i still?

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[WARNING!] My Unsuccessful Suicide

my unsuccessful suicide.

my unsuccessful suicide begun

when my mind  became tricky and my body became very clumsy.

when my hand hesitated to reach the little knife in the empty drawer

yet ended up tightened it in the grip.

with half sane but fully conscious,

i grazed the sharp part of that little knife on my young thin skin.

it tickled and then came the pain before the presence of thick red blood.

my unsuccessful suicide begun

when three little straight cuts caused my not-so-fatty wrist wounded.

when the pain got clearer and my tricky mind became much cleaner.

as i came back to sane, what another bigger sin i had commit?

while that not much blood spill gave a lot of pain and tears,

what a weak kind of me?

my unsuccessful suicide begun

when tomorrow lie told the same story the day after.

when i laughed at my clumsiness like yesterday was just another shot of comedy.

forced to forgive this oneself when to forget can never been so hopeful.

it tickled and then came the pain under now healed wounds.

you know the game. ten facts with one is a lie.

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Disqualified

Assalamualaikum...

**i'm quite into this guy lately. shigeoka daiki fufu

Morning, peeps! How are you?

Do you having a good start for today?

In my case, not so good but I'm still good haha.

This very early morning,

Farahin ada rollcall untuk sispa.

Like this is the only wednesday that I woke up so much early.

And yeah, I'm sleepy right now.

Plus, mood burung hantu Farahin memang aktif sangat this semester.

So almost every day I go to sleep very late hehe.

But this is not what I want to write about today.

It's just some random emo intro lol.

Ceritanya, I got an interesting news from my academic advisor.

There is a competition involving designing a poster

using photoshop, illustrator and indesign.

It is a big competition with big prize.

I wasn't so confident but I felt like want to try.

Until I read the Rules and Regulation.

Participant must be between 13 and 22 as soon as June 22, 2019.

Okay. Yes. That's it. Alright.

Suddenly, Farahin terasa tua sangat hahahaha.

Why? Because I'm already 23 years 1 month 19 days old.

Yeah. That makes me disqualified to join that so called competition. Huhu

Baru je nak acah mencabar diri even dari awal lagi rasa macam tak mampu.

Siap fikir panjang lagi nak join ke tidak.

Tuptup, tak payah fikir dah.

Memang tak layak huh.

Well, it's okay.

Small matter. Doesn't matter. Lol

Tahulah diri ni dah cukup dewasa.

Jiwa je masih remaja muda hehe.

Until here, thank you for coming.

Kirim salam to March!

I'm late again haha.

Enjoy your Wednesday!

xoxo =)

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New Habit

Assalamualaikum...

**it's just a bunch of fucked up gentlemen. DON'T IGNORE LOL

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semua ?

Hmm lamanya tak ranting kat blog ni.

Puisi sokmo ja. Well, it's the mood lol

So the very first ranting post for this february is titled as above. Yup. I think I had gained a new habit. Kalau tak silap, since last semester lagi. When I only had this one class at the end of day. And I started to feel rimas when I thought I had to bring this one thing with me all the time.

What is this thing?

BAG.

Yes. Farahin rasa malas dan rimas nak bawa beg ke kelas. Why? Because tak ada function pun. If I have to jot down anything during lecture, sebatang pen dan sekeping A4 pun dah cukup. Tu pun kalau agak2 tertinggal dalam kelas, all notes are online and I can just revise them right on time on my phone if I have to lol. During lab pula, dah tentu menghadap mac gergasi tu. Buat latihan, any programming or editing semua on komputer. If a pen is needed, that is only when to sign the attendance huhu.

Actually, I have a worst thought to not bring anything except a pen. And I had done this once or twice but it was very awkward because I was so kosong sehelai sepinggang lmao. I jotted down anything on phone, I calculated everything on phone, I revised the notes on phone. Sounds crazy, right?

I tried to hold back this strange habit. But I ended up did it today. Farahin cuma ada dua kelas every monday. Pagi satu lecture, petang satu lab. So for this lab today, Farahin datang kosong dengan pen sebatang and buku nota kecik hadiah dari lecturer semester lepas sebab perform kahoot haha. Itu pun tak ada function sangat. Like I mentioned above. Everything is done on computer.

So, what do you think?

I am a computer student.

and I have this crazy thought to utilize everything like

phone, computer, internet, and sort of those things

as long as it is helpful dan tak merimaskan for me.

Is this a BAD attitude? Just wondering lol.

Until here, thank you for coming!

May you have a good rest tonight.

xoxo =)

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I'll be OK

**this poem is inspired from this song. HERE

I'll be ok

don't bother,

this worry will goes away

I'll be ok

even when you're not here,

i won't be so lonely

i did good even though this life went harder

i went backed on my two feet,

wounded and trembling

alone like this, it never matter

I'll be ok

your good words will pass like wind

blow this wounds and pains away

I'll be ok

even when you're not here,

i won't be so lonely

your yesterday goodbye still lefts me hanging

this choking feeling seems don't want to let go

no, don't come back but why don't you bring this pain along

I'll be ok

don't bother, this worry will goes away

alone like this, it never matter

even when death is calling

i will keep the last breath strong

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