Melancholic

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're y'all?

Lama sangat dah Farahin tak buat ranting post.

Rasa macam posting poems dah jadi bad habit pula. Sorry.

So, here is a post for you guys to read tonight.

Reminder, this can be so long and time consuming to be read.

Truthfully, this days Farahin tak rasa nak berkomunikasi dengan orang. But I do want to talk about things. About how I'm feeling this days. About how I'm doing. At some point, I feel like I've been pushing people away and keep myself isolated. I feel sorry even though I'm not sure where I did thing wrong. I just feel wrong. So here is the talk. Instead of work my mouth, guess I can work my fingers too.

It was only one week. Cuma seminggu, I slept and ate well. Even tidur lewat sekalipun, pejam mata sekejap je dah tertidur. Rutin makan macam biasa, dua kali sehari. Well, dua kali pun kuantiti tu boleh tahan banyak tapi tak pernah tak habis. But then, maybe starting last wednesday or thursday that feeling came again. I ate less than I used to and my sleep time had changed.

I started to feel wrong about myself. What have I done to this young girl for all this 23 years sampai dia sakit macam ni? Betul ke semuanya mainan fikiran Farahin sendiri? Betul ke no one did wrong to me tapi Farahin yang prejudis? Betul ke semuanya salah Farahin? Sepanjang 23 tahun ni? And then, I just cried my heart out loud. It was so painful and too much confusing until I feel so extremely dumb bila kita sendiri tak tahu dekat mana salahnya. Salah kita atau mereka? Atau at least before this Farahin used to have 50/50 probability. Like halfly mungkin mereka tak sengaja, halfly pula mungkin memang Farahin yang terasa sendiri. But now, I'm not sure anymore.

Selama empat tahun living my life at the campus, inilah first time I feel so desperate nak balik rumah. Bukan sebab homesick. Bukan sebab crazily miss my parent because I know myself yang memang boleh coped distant relationship. Tapi sebab I need support. Like the strongest one ever. This thing that I have been keeping to myself for almost 8 years, Farahin dah tak boleh tanggung seorang. I thought I did well. Be positive, open minded, and approachable instead of living my high maintenance introversion. Yet in the middle of last march, that feeling pushed me to its climax. It wasn't like I never experienced that for all this passing years but this time I lost it. I hurt me. Again. I was completely feeling down for straight 4 weeks after that.

This straight 3 days, Farahin banyak tidur siang. Malam pula, menguaplah sebesar mulut buaya pun, I just can't sleep. Even today, I tried to take my best friend's advice to readjust my sleep time so I woke up earlier than usual but then pukul 2 or 3 petang tadi, my eyes just went shut. I just woke up when it was closed to maghrib. Cannot help to not cursing myself. I feel too heavy and too light. Too heavy to do anything. Too light to be anything. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel angry and frustrated for no significant reason, sometimes I wish it was just me being lazy but I knew it was more than that. Yes, this behavior is simply called mood swing.

I just lost. I know it could be my own doing. And supposed I know the way out too. But the very little will I tried to build inside me will always end up make me feel tired. Rasa macam bayi yang baru ada rasa nak berjalan even though her legs are not strong enough to stand yet. I know I'm not supposed to be this way. I know there are people who are concern and care about me. But I just can't help feeling this lost, helpless and hopeless. Like the more I struggle, the more it strangles me. So I just keep holding on. As long as I don't cut myself or do anything that could destroy me physically. I need to holding on harder. At least until the day I go back home and tell my parent this little secret of mine. Even though I'm dying wishing that I won't break their fragile hearts. But I know that wish just can't never come true.

Until here, I'm sorry for this depressive post.

I know I had made one a few weeks ago but I put it back into draft.

I think that post was too much because I didn't even think twice when I wrote it.

Anyway, can I have your pray?

At least, enough to make me keep holding on.

Thank you for your precious time and concern.

See you soon. xoxo =)

i was sad and angry. but i almost never cried or yelled it out. now, i get the lesson.