Luka Sikit Je

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Assalamualaikum...
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Greeting y'all! How're you today?
Dah dinner? Ke dah nak masuk tidur?
Or maybe still working?
Apapun, have a good rest!

Haa suspen tak tajuk tu? hehe. Ya. Farahin terluka. Luka sikit je. Dalam bulan ni je dah tiga kali Farahin terluka. Semua luka jadi dekat tangan kanan haha. Satu dekat ibu jari. Lepas tu jari hantu. Hari ni dekat tapak tangan pula. Yang ibu jari sebab tersepit dengan pemegang baldi. Maklum ibu jari gemuk. Jari hantu tu terkena pisau masa tengah belah ubat. Farahin kena makan sebiji setengah jadi hampir setiap malam kena main belah-membelah. Memang tak boleh blah hahahaha. Yang hari ni pula sebab tolong housemate pecah pintu bilik dia yang termangga dari luar. Beriya mengetuk sampai tak terasa tapak tangan terhiris. Tahu-tahu je pedih huhu.

Tiga kali luka, tiga kali juga Farahin menangis dalam bulan ni. Farahin tak rasa ianya perkara buruk. Even Farahin bukan jenis cengeng and orang memang biasa nampak Farahin cool and cold, I've learned that crying is one of the best way for me to express myself. Farahin susah nak open dengan orang. Susah nak meluah perasaan. Selagi boleh simpan Farahin simpan. So crying is quite helpful. Panik juga roommate masa dengar Farahin menangis beriya dua malam lepas haha. Sejam jugalah Farahin menangis. Bangun pagi, mata bengkak hahahahaha.

Bila nampak tangan luka pagi ni. Farahin terfikir, mungkin ini juga cara Allah beritahu yang dia sayangkan Farahin. Allah Maha Tahu betapa Farahin nak cederakan diri. Dan Allah Maha Tahu betapa peritnya Farahin cuba pertahankan logik dan hukum agama yang cederakan diri itu haram dan besar dosanya. Allah Maha Tahu betapa hina dan kejinya diri ni rasa setiap kali perasaan tu datang. Jadi mungkin Allah datangkan luka-luka kecil ini ibarat menyatakan, "Kalau rasa sakit yang engkau mahukan, aku berikan. Tapi tetapkan terus hidup."

Luka sikit je. Tapi efek dia agak menyusahkan. Nak pegang gayung susah. Nak pulas tombol pintu susah. Nak ambil wuduk kasi gosok-gosok sikit anggota tu pun susah. Luka sikit je tapi banyak perkara yang jadi terganggu atau kurang selesa untuk dikerjakan. Ini luka fizikal. Sikit je dah ada dugaannya. Apatah lagi luka emosi dan mental? Luka fizikal kita nampak. Mudah nak rawat macam mana sebab kita boleh agak sedalam dan sebesar mana. Walaupun sikit je, tetap kita rawat dan kawal pergerakan. Paling comel kita bagi tiup-tiup gitu. Memang itu refleks kita sebagai manusia kepada luka dan rasa sakit.

Tapi kenapa luka mental kita endahkan? Adakah cuma sebab ianya tak terlihat? Tapi bukankah sakitnya kita rasa? Kenapa kita buat-buat tak ada apa-apa dan biarkan hanya dengan alasan "tak apa. aku okey." lepas tu terus tutup buku. Kita tak tengok pun. Tak kasi tiup-tiup manja pun. Kata fikir selagi boleh tahan, kita tahan. Ibarat kaki tu kalau tercucuk duri kecil, selagi boleh jalan kita bawa berjalan. Rasanya apa jadi dekat kaki tu nanti? Sakit tetap sakit. Boleh jadi jangkitan kuman. Boleh jadi duri tu lama-lama merayap dalam salur darah dan terus je jantung. Kalau dah sampai jantung, cerita dia bukan luka dah. Maut.

Farahin tak kata kita perlu terlalu emosi. Hakikatnya, tiada istilah ini dalam kamus individu. Setiap orang ada tahap ketahanan masing-masing. Yang kecil bagi kita mungkin besar bagi orang lain. Yang seronok bagi kita mungkin tidak bagi mereka. Memang susah nak jadi seorang yang memahami. Hakikatnya juga kita cuma manusia yang terbatas pengetahuannya. Tapi kita boleh tunjukkan hormat. Hormat dengan pilihan seseorang. Hormat dengan keputusan seseorang. Hormat dengan perasaan seseorang. Hormat tak bermakna kita menerima atau setuju bulat-bulat dengan seseorang itu. Tapi kita hormat lumrah dunia yang setiap dari kita ada perbezaan dan keunikkannya. Serupa macam DNA. Malah peratus paling tinggi DNA yang ada keserasian adalah 99.99%. Tiada yang 100%. Tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini.

Okeylah. Dah nak 8.30 malam. Farahin kena dinner lepas tu makan ubat. Ishak pula. Kalau rajin, mungkin Farahin akan sambung certain tasks from university. Kalau tak, Farahin terus je landing atas katil hahahaha. Until here, I put the end of this post. Take care and goodnight! See you later. Bubye =)




Take care of your mental health just like you take care of your physical health



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That Was How I Became His Follower

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for three days grace never too late gif
Hello, peeps! Morning! Wait...it is still morning, right?
Since Farahin mula makan ubat, one of the good and new things are
Farahin mudah tidur dan bangun. But there were still times
I didn't want to leave the bed lol.

Anyway, how are you today? Working? Having class?
All the best in whatever you're doing right now.
Not anyone can make effort as much as you do.

Okay. Enough with my sweet greeting. Let's get to the point! But first, do read the title please. Nevermind if you don't want to sebab I'll rephrase it here again. Today post is gonna be about how I became someone (his) follower. His tu siapa? Well, let's get to the new line. Or...paragraph? haha

It was right after or maybe later when a male friend suddenly cut our connection. I thought we were friends enough to trust and help each other. Yet his last message was, "Maaf, Ain. Sampai sini je lah kita kawan ya." And it was too sudden and too bland. Duh! It seemed he had problem with our other female friend who also my best friend yet he cut me off too? Seriously I still don't get his logic until now.

Later, I figured out he even cut us both from socmed. I was curious if he even blocked us so I searched for him on ig. The dumb part was I didn't even remember his username and even the right spelling of his name lmao. So I just randomly typed it down and searched. Then, I found this one account which seemed like his. It was private so I could not find way to confirm. Just simply hit the follow button. Thought I would confirm the account later.

After the account owner approved me as his follower, I came to know that he wasn't the one I was looking for. However, there was something about this account owner that caught my deep attention. He is a schizophrenia patient.

Since then, I had became his follower. Sometimes I do check on his profile. He is just an ordinary married guy who is still young. But I like his open vibe sharing about his illness. There were times I seemed could sense his depressed vibe. And of course, not all the times. He is still a lively person as far as I see.

Now thinking it back on how I accidentally became a schizophrenia patient's ig follower, something told me that it wasn't just that. This also could be a sign of love from Allah. Telling me, comforting me, loving me, reminding me, that I'm not alone.

Of course, his illness is far worst than mine and he has been on medication for years even done with ECT. But he somehow played a part of encouraging me that what worst is worst. No need to compare our situation with others. It is either a matter of you still can handle it by yourself or it's time to get the help. I think it has been 1 to 2 years I'm following him. Looking forward to his better day after many many many efforts.

Until here, I end this today post.
See you later. Bubye =)





You have your right and it may be different from others and that is alright.






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Invalid Stigma

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Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?
Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha
Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.
Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.
Have a good rest everyone and good night!
See you. Bubye =)





Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.





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New (Extended) Semester

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime keyboard gif
Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Ohmyy dah sebulan tak buka laptop, tak usha blog.
I'm kinda feeling awkward right now.
Ingat bila jarang menulis je jari rasa keras.
Rupanya tak main tekan-tekan keyboard pun boleh buat jari rasa keras haha.
Nasib baik laptop hidup lagi lol. Alhamdulillah

Hari ni bermulanya new semester. As for me, it's my 5th year then. Generally, I'm feeling nervous and excited. But deeply, I'm feeling anxious and burden. Not sure either to think about it or not but I end up spontaneously numb it all because that's what I used to do. I'm still trying to change this bad habit though but it's not as easy as it's spoken.

Obviously, I had skipped my August blogging moment lol. Jadi meh Farahin update sikit what had happened last month. Hujung bulan July, I finally started to bring myself to the psychiatry. Masa buat pemeriksaan blood pressure, my bp was high. Medical assistant gelabah. Doktor yang Farahin jumpa dekat klinik pesakit luar pun serang Farahin dengan soalan-soalan yang lebih menggelabahkan. Later, jumpa doktor psikiatri baru chill. She was such a soft spoken person.

I already made three appointments. Bermakna dah sebulan juga Farahin makan ubat. Tapi sebab I had to come back to university, jadi Farahin kena transfer hospital. Surat doktor ada je duduk diam dalam fail. Tak tahu lagi bila nak pergi hospital sini. Baki ubat pun tahan dalam 2 minggu je. Maybe esok atau lusa hehe.

Now I'm writing it down, I'm kinda feeling heavy. I'm indeed feeling anxious about this semester. Farahin dah tak ada kelas. Cuma have to work on final year project and get prepare for practical on next semester. But those are a lot to me hiks. Bismillah. Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya.

Until here, I wish you good luck in anything you're doing right now!
See you later. Bubye =)





It's okay. It's just a feeling. All you have to do is to feel and breath.






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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-