Blocked

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime depressed black white blank
Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?
Farahin? Alhamdulillah. Tiga hari,
tiga malam mentangisi diri, baru hari ini rasa sihat sikit.
Malas nak intro panjang. Next paragraph! hehe

Blocked. Tak sure nak letak apa sebenarnya. Awalnya, nak letak dejected. Tapi blocked much simple kot. Agak sensasi gitu. Farahin kena block? Kena block dengan siapa? Dengan ex? Hahahaha. Tapi that's not the matter here. Actually, I felt blocked by a doctor. My latest appointment, which was also my third, Farahin jumpa doktor yang lain lagi. First and second appointment pun doktor lain. During first and second appointment, doktor tu rank dia medical officer (MO). Dua2 comel, baik, and soft spoken. And yes, females. My best experience with these two doctors was they allowed me to be vulnerable. Dalam bahasa rojak melayu kita, meroyan. Atau mungkin kalau nak much harsher, menggila. Okey, that's actually I created by my own. Hehe

As known, maybe tak, Farahin memang bukan jenis mudah open dengan orang. Not even to myself sometimes, I guess. And since I knew I will have appointment to attend time to time, meeting different doctors, berkongsi masalah, tanda-tanda sakit, dan tak kurang juga membawang pasal manusia dan kehidupan serta hal-hal agama dan ketuhanan, Farahin used to get myself prepare a few days earlier. At least 3 days before the appointment. Paling simple, Farahin akan beritahu diri sendiri, "It's okay. You can do it! Tell whatever you were thinking and feeling. What comes after, itu kerja dia orang."

And so, the day came. My third appointment. This time  bukan MO tapi doktor pakar (psychiatrist). Yup, a female. Pun comel, baik, and soft spoken. But there was something...to me, to my eyes, to my human judgement, there was something about her yang buat Farahin rasa our chemistry gap were a little bit further. When I tried to be vulnerable like I used to while spitting these words, "...Saya harap saya tak perlu rasa wujud..." and my brain was rushing dashing some crazy words to be spitted tapi belum habis pun saya meroyan, doktor dah potong, "Jadi awak nak rasa wujud?" Dengar je soalan pintas dari doktor tu, suddenly my brain got shutted down. Words yang tadinya dalam proses untuk dihujahkan, hilang dalam sedetik. I didn't even blink my eyes yet. Just looked at her face blankly. I felt blocked. And my mind was making alert message, "Blocked! Blocked! BLOCKED!"

Came another question, "Jadi apa yang buat awak rasa nak cederakan diri semua ni? Sebab doktor tak faham sebenarnya? Awak ada apa-apa yang trigger awak ke atau memang awak just rasa nak buat? Ke macam mana?" Again, I got it all blank. Rasa macam ada unused store in my mind tapi it was locked which meant it wasn't empty. I wanted to unlock it but at the moment, all I did was staring at it with all fears and griefs. And then, I started to cry. very hard. Dan doktor tanya lagi, "Doktor ada salah tanya ke?" It took me a few minutes to force my lips to utter something. I didn't feel like to let the question bury in silence. Jadi Farahin dengan tersedu-sedunya menjawab, "Saya tak tahu nak jawab macam mana. Apa yang saya nampak...apa yang clear...bagi saya, kalau tak sebab agama, Allah, fikirkan yang nyawa ni amanah, kalau saya lepaskan 3 benda ni, jujur saya dah tak nak hidup dah." And she concluded it with, "Jadi awak masih percayakan Allah lah?". Angguk.

Of course, there were more talks between us despite of me feeling that chemistry gap. Farahin tak pasti how doktor judged me, as doctor of course she would judge me as her patient. But how about as human? Because at my side, at that moment I tried to judge her as human from my human perspective. "Dia tak kenal aku. Dia tak tahu aku macam mana. Dia cuma nampak dan dengar based on apa yang aku cerita. It is expected for her to spit her thoughts from her perspective even though it was far common from my perspective." And me tried to make logic about her while I was on my vulnerable mode, sejujurnya I didn't feel good about it. At that moment.

The aftereffect melarat for two days. Yes, I was depressed. Farahin cuba proses sebaiknya apa yang dinasihatkan, termasuklah yang macam buat Farahin sentap atau terkecil hati. I was teaching my mind about the logic. "Kenapa aku rasa nak mati? Nak bunuh diri? Apa yang trigger aku? It's okay. Sekalipun benda tu kecil, it could have big bad impact to you, Farahin. Aku tahu kau ego. Kau malu. Tak apa. Keep your ego. Hold your malu. But let's find the cause!" Balik dari appointment on that day, lepas je beri salam kanan solat zuhur, tak sempat zikir macam biasa, Farahin terus meraung. Menangis sepuasnya. Despite of me been sentap dengan doktor ni, I validated one of her sayings, "Kalau sembahyang tu, awak sujud, awak menangis je lah puas-puas. Tak cakap apa-apa pun tak apa. Allah tahu apa awak rasa." Farahin angguk sungguh bila she dais that because memang itu yang Farahin biasa buat when it felt very very very very unearable. And I replied proudly, "Betul. Dia punya desperate tu lain macam."

So now, 9 days had passed. Farahin tukar ubat lagi. Dari venlafaxine kepada agomelatine. I think ubat yang kali ni much better. Even though ada side effects headache, nausea, and constipation, but I think it is more bearable than venlafaxine yang buat Farahin sembelit hampir setiap hari for 3 weeks. duhhhh. Also in this 9 days, Farahin already had 5 cries. Mostly happened at late night. Tak pasti trigger dari mana atau mungkin memang semuanya, like from side effects  ubat, the talk that I had with the doctor, and also it was just how my depression do it works. Tapi apa yang suka Farahin nak kongsikan, selain meroyan, menggila, meraung, menangis semua, I didn't have a suicide thought. Alhamdulillah

Phew! Panjang panjang panjanggggg yang amat.
I think it is enough until here.
Nak story banyak lagi pun, it could effect my mood too.
Itu kita panggil overwhelmed.
Anyway, thank you for your time and concern!
Have a good day and all the best!
See ya. Bubye =)




It is a good place when there are good people as well as good food.



5 comments:

Tqa London said...

aww i know how you feel.
It's okay long paragraph pun, at least you let your feelings out

Suhana Abidin said...

Takpe el , luah je apa yang el nak luah . Ada orang baca or tak pun takpe , asalkan el boleh tenangkan diri dan tak cederakan diri . Nowadays makin ramai yang depressed atas pelbagai sebab dan faktor . Please keep urself sentiasa dekatkan diri dengan Allah , hanya DIA sebaik-baik doktor .

ELFarahin said...

@Tqa London thank you. it's such an honor knwing there is someone really going through my written thoughts. not mention the vulnerable on =)

ELFarahin said...

@Suhana Abidin uwu ada orang panggil kita El hehe. but but i wrote this to let people read too haha. cos i think people need a vary kind of info about mdd and its patient instead of boring wiki and research paper lol. anw, thank you for dropping by !

Sha Mohamed said...

Teruskan meluah apa yang Farahin rasa.. Itu cara doktor tu approach pesakit dia.. Mungkin nampak macam kasar tapi at the end, dia buat Farahin berfikir.. kan.. Jangan mengalah tau.. You are stronger

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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-