Confession of Anxiety

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for without you depressed black gif  images
Selamat petang ke senja semua !
Apa khabar hari ini ?
Hmm. Tak pasti nak mulakan bebelan macam mana hari ni.
Tapi tak apa. Kita masuk perenggan baru haha.

Tak. Farahin tak salah masuk tajuk. Ni bukan nak buat review pasal movie Confession of Murderer. Tapi memang itu tajuk post kali ni. Tak dinafikan juga memang terinspirasi dari tajuk movie tu hehe. Ya. Hari ni nak cerita pasal anxiety. Cerita yang mulanya seminggu sebelum cuti midsem lagi huhu.

Kerap Farahin nampak post dekat ig saying, "anxiety is lying to you." Hmm. Tapi Farahin ada pandangan berbeza. To me, anxiety is a true confession. Ya. Sometimes anxiety can be overwhelming and terburu-buru buat bermacam hypothesis dan andaian. Tapi Farahin suka nak highlight secuit kemanisan darinya.

Dua hari berturut selepas jumpa doktor, as expected I was depleted. Terbaring atas tilam sepanjang hari. Makan sehari sekali. Tak payah mention solat tak cukup waktu. Itupun Alhamdulillah sempat jenguk maghrib dan ishak walaupun matahari saban hari tak nampak. Tapi pada hari kedua, jumaat, Farahin ada terjaga pagi (hampir tengah hari). Kalau tak sebab whatsapp dari kawan.

Kawan ingatkan Farahin yang petang jumaat tu patut update dekat sv pasal progress fyp sebab he will key in the first 20% mark. I knew that. Tapi Farahin sejak malam rabu lagi dah lemau. Kawan Farahin ni memang mudah gelabah. Kalau dia gelabah, Farahin lagilah gelabah kan. Dah tentu mental dan fizikal kurang stabil masa tu.

Farahin tahu kalau Farahin push diri untuk pulun my fyp waktu tu, memang tak banyak hasilnya. Lebih macam tiada. Termenung menahan tekanan yang dah kebas satu badan, Farahin decided untuk whatsapp sv. Minta maaf dan khabarkan sejujurnya how very little my progress was. Dokumen/report pun belum sempat nak goreng. Right after that, I cried super hard. Sampai tarik rambut, ketuk kepala. Seksa sangat waktu tu.

After dapat reply sv, barulah Farahin lega sikit. He was okay with it. Dah lah depleted. Meraung pula. Lagilah penat rasanya. Farahin naik tilam balik. Dah nak dekat zuhur masa tu, dapat pula whatsapp dari bff membawakan berita yang sangat mengejutkan. Dia nak tunang. Anxiety strike untuk kali kedua. Campak handphone ke tepi, pejam mata.

Kerap juga nampak post dekat ig with another saying kind like, "an adult child with trauma has confusion to be adult." I think I understand that. Kenapa Farahin triggered bila dapat berita bff nak tunang? Sebab that was what had been playing in my head for a very long longgg time, "macam mana kalau suatu hari nanti mak ayah aku dah tak ada, kawan-kawan yang rapat ni dah ada tanggungjawab dan kehidupan sendiri, aku ni memang dah tak ada apanya." Dan disebabkan this overthought ni lah, Farahin dapat kesimpulan paling basic which "aku hidup, aku tahan sakit aku ni hanya kerana Allah dan amanahNya."

Bila Farahin triggered dengan berita tu, I didn't care if my anxiety gebang melampau sekalipun. Apa yang Farahin tahu, one of reasons kenapa Farahin rasa macam tu sebab Farahin sayang. Sayang sangat sangat dekat bff seorang ni. Sayang lebih daripada nilai seorang sahabat. Ada masa dialah keluarga, dialah guru, dia jugalah kekasih. I know this is childish. Tapi Farahin punya affectionate towards my three bff, tiap seorangnya lain macam. Masing-masing ada special place masing-masing in my heart.

Now, dah seminggu balik kampus. Of course, most of days I was depleted. Fed up pun ya. Rasa macam dari mati segan hidup tak mahu, jadi mati segan hidup melahu. Nak mati tak boleh. Nak hidup macam tak hidup. Dan lebih menambah sunyi, rasa rindu sangat dengan bff yang dah tunang tu. Rindu yang cukup buat rasa nak menangis. Tapi tu lah tak menangis juga haha.

Until here, I put an end to this post.
Salam maghrib! And have a good rest, everyone!
See you. Bubye =)



This anxiety is not lying to me but confessing with all my mind and body.






3 comments:

aienienka said...

Soon I realise I'll leaving everyone behind? Stay strong for everyone that love you and never tell it. Thanks for being honest to yourself, and glad you make it till today! ^^ Chingu yaa~ fighting! :)

ELFarahin said...

@aienienka inshaallah. thank you for your care and concerns =)

ray said...

I hate to say this but I really do feel you. I won't say much but all that matters is that now you just have to keep focusing on getting better. Some people may not understand it but don't mind what people say and just keep on fighting! It's hard. very hard. But deep inside you're strong. There's a reason for all this and I hope you'll find all the answers.

take care okay

ELFollowers

just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-