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things happened
experiences make me learn
but why I'm this broken
sinking far from eden

people watched but they didn't see
they heard but stopped listening
why did my voice stayed silent
and why I'm this broken

things happened 
bad incidents and painful accidents
scars and wounds make their appearance 
guess I'm just broken



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night doesn't gets me sleepy
on my bed is where I used to feel heavy
this emotions that cause me to feel empty
choking in the air that I breathe

close my eyes and try to sleep
yet the tears start to slip through the eyelids
asking myself why but no answer is spitted
sinking in the guilt like a hell pit

i don't want to feel this way
i don't want to be this way
but this sickness keeps making me astray
from inside all the way deeper it melts me into clay.


ELFiction : Way Home (Part 4/END)

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Image result for yesung super junior
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

Now I was back being alone. Things started lingering in my head again. But not the old days. It was about what had happened today. It was indeed a strange day of all days I experienced. I saw Sungmin being sweet and playful with his girlfriend but I remembered he was quite serious while talking to me. Kangin seemed awkward but I saw he smiled and laughed just like other guys. And Yesung was a nuisance with his random talks but his words can be sharp and deep too. There were quite many interactions. Strange but not bad.

The bus stopped again. This time it was my turn to off. There were two passengers came in but I was the only one came out. The rain was still pouring but was not as heavy as before. I walked my steps under the blooming cherry blossom trees which were planted at the roadside. It did not took too long for me to arrive at home. I opened the door and two voices were heard, cheerful as always.

“Is that you, honey?” My mother called from the kitchen, I guessed.

“Yes.” I took off my wet shoes and putted them at a corner, a bit far from the shoe rack. They needed to be dried later.

“You’re all wet. Go take a bath and come down have the dinner then.” My father approached me and brought me a towel to dry my wet hair and face. 

I went up to my bedroom while drying my hair with the towel. I threw my bag down whenever it supposed to fall and grabbed my towel before heading to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and readjusted its water temperature. I needed a warm bath.

Suddenly, something hit me from the inside. Something that pressed on my chest harder than before. My mind started to have mixed flashbacks. All old and today memories were crossing to each other like broken film. The smiles, laughs, voices, and talks were all becoming noises and very disturbing to my head. Tears started flowing through my eyes and it just did not wanted to stop.

“I’m sick.” I clenched my teeth.

Just if I could screamed as much as I wanted but I knew that would be crazy. But I was indeed crazy. I had been crazy for quite long. Something strange had been living inside me. Something evil and extraordinary. Something that make me felt like dying instead of living. Something that make me sick to live!

A sound from the outside distracted me. I knew it was from my phone. I leaved the bathroom sobbing and found my phone. There were a few messages came in. I opened them one by one, thinking they could be something important.

Hey! Just a reminder. Study my question and prepare the answer tomorrow. I’ll be waiting. -Sungmin

I don’t mean to bother you. Just want to say thank you for today. You make me from something to everything. You too. -Kangin

Hi! I have changed my mind. I like rain. But I think I’ll hate you if you pretend to not know me tomorrow. Just kidding. See you. -Yesung

I hardened my grip where my phone was. My whole body started shaking but it was not because of my cold wet school uniform but the urge that caused me felt raged.

“Argh!!!” I cried harder, harder and louder. I did not sure what and how I was feeling but I just wanted to cry out for everything. For no significant everything. I must be absolutely crazy.


“What’s happened?”

My mother ran into my room and wrapped me into her arms. They were very warm but I felt the pain inside me more. I was stabbed, choked, and tortured by this feeling of hopeless and helpless. This void that caused me floating and drowning at the same time was just overwhelming. There were times, many times, I wished I could just bleed everything out through my skin and it was not like I never did it.

“Stop! I’m sick! I’m sick of everything! I want to live! Just let me!” I screamed insanely. I could felt my mother tightened her arms around me. Restrained me. Tried to keep me under control. I wished I could but I just did not wanted to. I had been restraining myself all the time. My sadness, my anger, my laugh, my spirit, my everything.

I tried to understand. I tried but I just can’t. Why? Why did I did what I did? What caused me to be this miserable and broken? I had all rounded care and love from everyone around me. Yet why I was still this sad and kept feeling sadder? I hate myself for no excuse and I could not found other excuses to love myself too. I was breathing but it felt like I never even living.

“It’s okay, honey. I’m here. We’re all here.”

“Argh!!!” I continued rebelling on my inferiority. I let my tears flowed and I did not intended to stop it. All the mixed emotions that overwhelmed my mind, heart, and body, I let them out through my vulnerable screams and cries.

This was just another night of many nights. It was like a routine before the day ended and another tomorrow came. But tonight, it was indeed the strange one. Instead of crying calmly on my bed, I let it all out like a murderous hedgehog stood out their thorns. I knew it must be heartbroken to my parent who had to see this. But nothing worth anymore. I just wanted it to stop and gone even if I had to pay it by cutting my throat.

See you tomorrow.




Do pay a visit to my shop ya ! =D -18/09/2020-