Twenty Twenty

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people ! How are you ?

How was your first day of 2020 ?

Mine was still as ordinary as usual.

I just finished all last six episodes of anime

Demon Slayers Kimetsu No Yaiba this evening lol.

However, I don't think I'm finished sending my farewell to 2019.

There were a lot of things happened in my 2019, both good and bad. I think it was the longest year I ever had. Half of it was overflowed with hellish feeling, both physically and mentally. I almost attempted suicide yet fortunately only ended up cutting my wrist. Next, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder. Then, I made decision to defer my study. I had lost too much. I lost my mind and sane. I lost most of my time to depression. I lost myself too. Even things that I actually never had, called future. Things had been very difficult and exhausting.

However, despite of all the lost, I also gained a few other things, good things. I found some other sides of me, as well as people around me. I also found a few new people. Some of them made me feel enchanted to get a little bit closer, while the rest caused me to draw thicker borderline. When I felt like my heart was no more beating with love, someone from a very far place somehow succeed at making me to overflow my heart with love again. I'm still unable to love myself as well as this world and its people as much as before yet the love actually still there. I just know it.

Following all cries and screams, I am also actually overflowing with feeling of thankfulness and gratefulness. At first, I thought 2019 was such a breaking point for me. Yet later I noticed it was indeed a breaking point and also a turning point for me. I have neither spirit nor courage but only prays to keep me going. Even now a year had actually passed, I still don't know who and what actually am I. Not to say about the tomorrow and day after too. But I'm sure enough that things are changing. I'm still insanely changing. I cannot even say that I am not both nervous and super anxious. But I'll try to make it through from a day to day. As simple as just lying breathing and say bismillahi wa lillahi taala.

Last but not least, I love to send my big big thanks to all prays and supports that were sent to me. I have nothing great unlike others to repay all those goods but only a pray for all to be always blessed and loved by Lord, more and more than you're having it right now. Thank you for coming, staying, and leaving. Thank you for making me learn and earn. Thank you for just been there. Alhamdulillah. Farewell, 2019. And hello 2020!

Sometimes what has been lost is no more necessary to be found.
Sometimes what does stay and come is worth more to be nurtured.