Be In Someone's Shoes

Assalamualaikum...

Be in someone's shoes. It's an idiom that is synonym to put yourself in someone's situation. But do you know what's funny here? For me, be in someone's shoes is a ridiculous idea because it is actually impossible. We're all have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. To fit in doesn't seem right. However, this idiom has been used a lot when we try to urge someone to show their empathy. Yes. I don't know how should I write this but this is what I want to share today, Empathy.

Empathy is nothing like two-ways sharing or exchanging. It's not a business or deal making. It's not negotiating but comforting. It's a one-sided give and take without any special returns. Empathy is when you're present, and learn about someone's situation. You use your brain more than your mouth. You trash your comparing attitude and recycle your long abandon understanding skill. You ask your doubts and don't make blunt assumptions. Your advice is needed only when it's requested.

Where to start? Since be in someone's shoes is impossible, we can have a look and do an observation on them. How's the pair doing? How much damage they got? How about the insole? The heel? The snapped and loosed stitches? How about the front part? How do they look to you? Put a few of your toes inside them, how do they feel like? This is you giving your best attention. And whenever you feel like maybe you see a few things wrongly, you ask to confirm. Be present and listen. Be curious and ask more.

Empathy wants you to communicate less and listen more. Don't interrupt the owner when they are telling things about their shoes. Don't rephrasing things that have been told with you rephrasing your personal experience like, "I went through this too...". Don't talk about your shoes. The only shoes in this topic is theirs. I repeat. We have different shoe size. Different standard and priority. Shoes are shoes but between ours there is no duplication. We called it similar but never be same.

Does giving opinions is forbidden? Of course, not. But in case of empathy, you have to make sure the other party willing to be given and receive opinions. How to know? Simple. You ask. Can I give you my opinion? Would you like to hear my advice? Is it okay for me to speak my mind? Oh! Don't expect what's received won't be rejected or returned. Don't be dejected. They have their right. Control your responds and keep yourself calm.

I think "be patient." is mostly used in a serious deep talk. However, be careful. Because by using this phrase, it can be you rephrasing what have been told. Empathy doesn't always favor this phrase. Empathy acknowledge everyone's patience regarding how old, big, or high it is. Empathy wants you to support that exhausted patience. How? Either you noticed it or not, you already do the basic one. Listen and pay attention to them. People need to feel appreciated to cheer them up. Make them feel seen. Indeed, you're observing someone's shoes after long without any pure attention and care.

Empathy is a difficult task. You don't actually work your whole heart and soul. You work your brain too. You use your emotions to relate with theirs and your brain to estimate those emotions. Yes. Empathy talks about emotions more than experiences. We don't only talk about the damages but also the effects of damages. Because past is past but not the effects. An earthquake stopped but everything have been flopped. Ruins, death, and trauma.

To learn empathy, you may start with holding on your worst experiences and emotions that you ever faced and felt when people tell you about their hardships. Don't judge. Don't assume. Don't scold. Don't rephrasing. Remind your self, no matter what, they're having their most difficult time. You need to be patient and gentle. Ask, ask, ask before you speak. Don't beat them with your ego. No need to show off your armor. At this moment, you have no time and place to brag about yourself but them.

Since empathy is a difficult task, it is necessary for you to keep enough energy for you to support yourself and the other party. Make sure your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual elements are in good condition for the moment. You're about to support two bodies which the other one has exhausted its energy. During the moment, you also need to control how you save and use your energy. Stay calm and keep learning.

As you can see, or maybe not yet, empathy is all about them, them, and them. Empathy doesn't makes fair clear for you but them. Only if you let empathy plays with love and sincerity, you may feel the fairness that only you can feel. The unexpected returns; you feel present when they acknowledge your presence. You feel seen and listened when they respond to you. For some people, maybe like me, we feel re-energized and the energy we already keep to ourselves is added up. That unexpected returns.

No official greeting like usual. Anyway, Helloooo July! haha