Drugged

Assalamualaikum...

Selamat malam, semua! Esok isnin, mesti dah siap-siap nak tidur kan. Tak apa. Have a good rest. Esok atau bila-bila boleh singgah baca late night post ni hehe. Nothing much pun. Just my personal life sharing hehe.

I did mentioned in a previous post that my pill dose has been reduced to two pills per night. In the first week, I experienced hypomania dan depression period. Of course. It was a short days been in an empty hell. So related to the title, yes I was "drugged".

What's the proof? The sudden change in my pill dose gave a shock to my brain. To put it simply based on my very little knowledge (even though I'm a patient hehe), the chemicals and nerves of my brain usual routine were disturbed. As the effects, I experienced hypomania and depression after long without one.

For those who never aware of term of hypomania, it's one of my biggest symptoms as Bipolar Mood Disorder 2 (BMD2) patient. There could be a period that I can exhaust myself because I'm too active that even sleep can't bother me. In my case, it's usually last for 3 days follows by depression that last for 3 days as well. However, since the last one, I don't encounter with another. Alhamdulillah.

Back to my effected brain, the shock its experienced was the proof that my brain did reacted to the medication which in this case, it was a good sign to me. Stigma would say, I think your signs are getting worst. Does the pills even helping? Well, I understand what this stigma stands for. Concerns. Worries. Anxious. However, this is all based on outer observation. To break this stigma, you need to know what's actually happening, the causes of this look. Reactive brain means it's still treatable.

Since the ill brain of mental illness exact condition is impossible to be determine (there is the technology but that's super super hi-tech), to detect its work is all based on patient condition in all cases of physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional. In this "drugged" post, I could say pain is one of the treatments. Not trying to afraid you. But you know my writing style, I luffff metaphore lol.

If there is pain, then of course there is painless. Either good or bad signs, they are all considered to treat the patient. Since I acknowledged my mental illness, I've been more aware how wise it is to acknowledge both good and bad. Yes, it's not easy and very difficult, very painful. But like what those "good vibe" people used to say, Nothing is impossible.

It's actually funny to me. When it comes to pursue the "good vibe", everything becomes POSSIBLE. Yet when it comes to I think I'm sick. I think I want to meet a psychiatrist. anything relate to it becomes IMPOSSIBLE. People is indeed talented at making jokes lol. No matter how tight you close your eyes, whatever is there is there. Never disappear. I know you still can hear and feel it. Maybe even smell and touch it.

Medication does has the effects. Not only for mental illness patients but all. Else, what's the use? But in this post, of course, it's bias on me, the patient and mental illness. The pill I'm taking is named Lamotrigine, 100mg per night. It's not an antidepressant but mood stabilizer. Stigma may says, they are all just epilepsy. You're right. They are Epilepsy. But that's their parent.

Since there is parent, then surely there is children, also children's of children, and the list continues as long as our super doctors love their research and keep doing it. Also with the help of real specimens, the patients. Sounds bad? Yes. It's a jihad. So people would have less risk to encounter mental illness, treatment in shorter period, better medicines with better effects, better therapy, better doctors, more stigma breakers, healthier society, etc. After all, we are the "good vibe" people.

Stigma may asks, since when mental illness becomes fashionable? Oh, yes. Some of us wear it proudly. We make runaway wherever we walk in and out around the hospital area. Our stage names are Survivor and Fighter. We have bags of colorful pills. Unlike other models with doll-like look, we even walk and pose while crying, frantic, trembling, screaming, shouting, laughing, anything that is even impossible to you. Now, watch us and learn about mental illness.

When I say learn, I don't expect anything 100%. It's all enough you learn about your loved ones. Even for those with great wellness. Including yourself. In this case, it's more like learn the importance of mental health. Some cases, it's nothing like no patience or too weak spiritually. It's the environment, life experiences, diet, and the brain growth itself.

Patience is out of discussion when pressures come from all directions. Even someone with great patience may feel fear, stressed, angry, sad, and more feelings that we tend to ignore forsake to pursue "good vibe". Human need shelter which that also stands for protection and security. In what form? Support, assistance, help, company, empathy.

Hmm. What I'm writing again? lol. It's 12:13 am, at this line. I think it's right to end it here. I'm doing fine. I do get emo sometimes but not too long. Oh! Soon it'll be my 1st birthday as mental illness patient. I made it far. I don't know where I'm heading to and it's hard for me to decide. But I'm sure that I've leaved a lot of footprints around. Either they are overlaps on each other or not, well that's the effort, the smallest I can do. Good night. See you in later post.

"Chill. Let bygone be bygone. Stop overthinking."

"I know. I'm trying."

"You sure?"

"I meet psychiatrist every month and take pills every night."

"That's impressive. You do it right. Take your time. I root for you."