Reasoning

Assalamualaikum...

Days felt long yet now only few days left before end of October. Sigh. I feel like to write something. Especially about how I'm feeling almost this whole month. But the mixed feelings stir my words. This doubt keeps messing around with me. This noises my mental makes squeezes me with tension on my physical. Where should I begin?

Since the last time I experienced my worst anxiety plus somewhat mild depression at end of September and after I received Islamic treatment, I doubt myself often. I faced difficulty to convince myself. Whatever I said to myself with intention to be kind, it rebounded in double. Whenever I tried to validate my emotions, a part of me scolded me saying that I'm nothing but full of excuses and lies. Guilt and blame are all over me.

Today I woke up with a thought that maybe I'm in process to accept the dark truth. That person reminded me to have dream so I will get spirit to live. That person also reminded me to take things slowly. The idea is understandable. But I can feel like I'm rushing things. When I repeated to myself that I'm allowed to take things slowly, the feeling of rushing got stronger. As if I was forcing myself in name of control.

Yesterday morning, my counselor whatsapp me. Even her salam already got me anxious. Our chat was short but I informed her a few things about my condition and when I did that I still got interrupted by that feeling of deep doubt. I confused about how true I was and am toward myself. This state I'm confronting make me realized that to hold on rationality is easier than sanity. I can feel I'm about to lost it again.

I cried a few times this October. At first thought, I knew I was triggered by something. But later, I found myself dumbfounded again. Those questions that I didn't plan to ask myself were more like many strange and unknown fingers pointing at me cynically. It was depressingly frustrated when you tried to reason yourself for comfort but yourself is too stubborn to cooperate. I see. It's strange but it's not all strange if it's called Bipolar, my illness.

Guess I will end it here. Thank you for your time and concern. See you in later post.

To hold on rationality is easier than sanity.