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It's already second week of november. Pardon me. Greeting to november, with tears. This post gonna be emotional. I'm not sure up to which level. But just a reminder aka warning for you who would like to continue reading. Obviosuly, I'm not doing good at this moment I'm writing this post. And rather than to make myself feel good by leaving scratches here, I prefer to make myself feel as worst as possible. I can't swallow this toxic any longer. So bear with me or just skip reading it.

I met a doctor today. And today wasn't my appointment date. I went to hospital because I was desperate and anxious. I wasn't actually convinced that what I did was right but I had nowhere to head to. I went there with a giant luggage full of worries, fear, panic, guilt, sadness, frustration, anger, and other more items. It was super heavy until little drops of tears fell from my eyes a few times while I was waiting my turn anxiously.

In logic, I had been triggered with the issue of my study deferment. My application was still hanging and following things became complicated for me. Triggered, I already had three cries on this november. And the latest chat I had with my Academic Advisor today, she suggested me to register an elective subject for this semester. She didn't say this, but yeah, instead of keep lingering of this study deferment issue. The idea sounds good. I'm still considering it.

After long time, I cried in front a doctor. I let my guard down but of course, not everything could escape from this broken soul of mine. Some were left unsaid and some others were confessed in very messy words. I had been keeping the stacks higher and higher. Now, everything fall on me and i fall on the ground, flat. Things feel wrong again. Very wrong.

Triggered, of course it was followed with something less relevant. I miss my best friend so bad. The cliche said it, masa susah baru nak cari member. Well, it was true. With her, I had been dependent. Most of my emotional and mental parts always felt supported when she was with me. Now, she is married and stays further than our usual 10min joruney between two houses. I sent her an emotional whatsapp last night while crying and it is still not replied. I don't really expect for a reply. I only need a sign she is there. Blue tick.

About applying study deferment, a document that I submitted didn't satisfy their demand. This also got me emotional. Paper. Paper. Paper. This unseen illness is demanded to be seen. This indescribable mixed feeling is demanded to be explain. This person who often can't trust herself is demanded to convince. These tasks, even if it wasn't demanded by an organization, it had been more difficult for me to finish. This one month and plus, things had been different than other previous few months. I'm doomed again.

My academic advisor contact my mother personally last night. I don't care if they had some adult talks but I'm very sure she did talk about the matter I'm facing. I may sound rude; pointless! My parents know very less about me. My illness, my med, my feeling, my digestion, my appetite, my sleep, my friends, and more. And I don't really care to let them know.

I'm enough playing brave and daring to open up myself with them. I'm enough with situation when I opened myself, they shut me behind door of so called Islam, labeled Victim of Jin Massacre. They never actually listened properly. Or more like they can't and don't know how to. So I prefer to not force this matter further. I prefer to hurt myself less and stop forcing them to adapt with my insanity.

Of all above, it becomes clear that I already lost my strongest backbone, my best friend. I'm breaking this demand of "Family support does matter" and remains expecting nothing more. Highlighted, my parents are not all bad. But regarding this matter, I prefer to do it alone. Even though I don't want to do it alone. I have my breaking point again. And this time, I have no faith as much as I did previously but still trying to keep my faith on Him. His time never wrong. Never.

Then, let's just end it here.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See you in later post.

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I don't feel good :( -16/11/2020-