Oh! It's December

Oh! It's december. What more can I say. Time passed like thunder and typhoon yet heyyy here me again. So what should I write today? This is the first post of december anyway haha. Hmm I canceled my plan to defer my study. Well, I didn't plan to cancel it but things happened and I was pushed to do so. I joined a class, as advised by my academic advisor. Only one class. Not sure how I'm feeling but I succeeded at catching up the previous lessons I missed. The class is called Creative Writing. Such obvious name. I'm sure you can guess what's the major activities. Now I'm working on the assignment and next there will be the test. Also, there is another pairing assignment to be done. Aha! That's my somewhat little student life uhuk.

Okay. Now what? How about a day I dragged myself to the hospital without appointment for the first time? I was super anxious on that day that I felt like running or hiding somewhere but fuck I had nowhere to go. So I dumbly went to the hospital with tears and cry that I tried to hold back well enough but still ended up choking after awhile for a few times until the mask got messy. No, wait. It was the mask that messing with me. I can't even cry properly. Oshet. I can't speak too. Like I just can't because I felt like my tears gonna burst by anytime. I did feel sorry to the staff that checked by blood pressure because I roughly ignored him because I can't speak. And he made me noticed to that I gripped my hand during the session. Yep. That hella anxiety.

Hey. Deep deep deep inside my heart there, there are voices that I try to keep them calm and down. I hate myself. I hate what I'm doing. I hate what I'm feeling. I hate what's happening. I hate for feeling hate. This something I don't feel like to figure out its name keeps myself twisting and squeezing until I lost shape of myself. Again. It is lonely there. Sometimes deadly silent. I can't feel. That abnormality and unfamiliarity. It's like a dark prison which I know it's all empty but can't help from take a look at it every time I walk passed it. It's intriguing. Quite alluring.

Hmm I feel like to end it here. Until next time. See ya =)