I Miss It

Assalamualaikum

Hello, there. How are you today? Me? Physically less good. Should been lying on bed right now but I feel like really need to press on my keyboards or I feel like gonna explode who knows what and how huhu. So yeah I miss it. I miss that part of me. I miss that part of me when I didn't really think too much and too long to express myself. I miss that part of me when I was willing to face whatever judgments there, both in and out. I miss that part of me been blunt at venting out whatever I was feeling to those I trust. I miss that part of me when opened up with doctor felt necessary.

It wasn't like I never judge myself. Everyone did. It wasn't like I never confront it. Everyone did too. But over this passing months, my mouth got shut whenever those self judgments scolded me. Even right now. I feel like to tell something to someone I trust but I feel like it's unnecessary. Why? If I try to figure the why, I feel like I will get overwhelmed. There's already feeling of guilty. There's part of me belittling myself. Scolding me. Smirking at me. Ditching me. And I get my head bow low.

I know this is already become an issue. Yet I still don't let it known directly to people that I used to let whatever about me known. I can feel there is self hate too. Am I this bad? Dragging myself down like this? Curling up thinking I'm doing my best yet I still feel like I do nothing worthy? This feels heavy. Heavy and disturbing. A part of me have been biased. Telling me I'm on jinn's work. That I'm messed up. That I do it all wrong. If I do it wrong, I can just correct it, right? But no. I still have my head low.

Today I heard me told myself again that I'm an ungrateful daughter. That I forget about who is holding the heaven for me. That I've been nothing like I supposed to. Like those who is around my age. Like I've done nothing good to them. When my mind repeated that words they told me, "Jangan fikir yang bukan-bukan." I felt angry and frustrated. I felt no one would listen to me and I didn't want to make other listen as well. Then I was reminded that He do listen. He listen to everything. And here it came again. "I'm on jinn's work."

There are two weeks left before my next appointment. Did I consider to vent out to doctor? I did. Only until that feeling came again. "Maybe I don't have to. It's unnecessary." It feels wrong to want someone to listen to me. It feels wrong that I don't tell everything to Him directly like during prayer. Oh! I did been slightly had a very little choke during solah. Like I was about to cry for no reason. Like something bad was about to succumb me. Something that would make me lost again.

The last sudden meeting I had with a doctor wasn't to my like. Although it was me who came to the hospital under my own very little sanity, I didn't like the tone she used. She said the right thing. But I felt so wrong when I listened to her. There. There. There I was told by myself that all I do is complaining. Blaming. And make excuses. Between those words, there was echo of the same word from that person. My mind went around and around, layer after layer, about similar and same thing.

It's still here.

If I continued this writing, it would be the same thing over and over again. It would be boring though it was actually extremely disaster inside my head. This could be syndrome from my period. But this could be not the only reason. There. I heard those words again. I miss it. I miss that part of me feeling proud when I expressed myself. Both positively and negatively. As if I just vomited all the bad blood.

Anyway, this few days I had been feeling good seeing people that I familiar and care doing good with their things. But today, along with that good feeling, there was envy. Envy that make me feel less enough than I used to. Less useful. Less working. Less than whatever better I had done which I don't even sure what. I just feel less about unknown uncertain things.

It's not a big deal. There. She told me.

Let's just stop here. If you read this, it's boring but I can only say thank you. See you in later post.