Fruitless Apology

Assalamualaikum

Hello, there. How're you doing today? Me? Alhamdulillah. I'm fine. Just very sleepy right now because I slept very late last night. I had marathon of a drama haha. Although I'm super sleepy right now, I feel like to write something here. Well, nothing much happened to me lately. Nothing very interesting. But I'm interested to share some here. Hehe.

I had appointment last wednesday. I was nervous on my way to hospital. Might be because it had been long since I went there, 2 months. So usual routine, usual procedure. Until I did b/p and weight checkup. I had been getting used to nurse's reaction to my high b/p. But the nurse on that day was a little bit different. I felt intermediated by here. She asked me about things such as did I do b/p checking up before, did doctor say anything or give me a letter, what I did later, afraid I got stroke because I had no signs of high b/p. I was panic when I could not answer her question. It felt like got a scolding. If I was cold enough at that time, maybe I would say "Thank you for the advice but I don't feel good right now. Can you stop?" But yeah it didn't happen. I ended up went back to my seat and had a sudden sobbing sensation. I felt like I had done something bad.

The doctor I met during the appointment was to my type. It had been long since I met a doctor who had ways of speaking that soothed my mind and heart as best as ever. She was polite and her tone was gentle. She was friendly but made me feel more like really been taking care of. Felt safer and better. When she asked me "How are you today?" as soon as I inside the room, I openly said that "I'm less good right now." So I told her about the nurse. Went in and out hospital, I had also been getting used to doctor cliche questions related to myself, friends, boyfriend, and family. However, what makes the questions less boring is the tone a doctor used. So this doctor I met this time, I repeat, just my type haha.

Hmm. It is final assignment season right now. Yeah. I have one and the only one haha. Like usual, it's a group work. Sometimes I felt something was wrong. I felt guilty to them over some matters. I apologized but I knew very well it was a fruitless apology. An apology that to subdue one's guiltiness and beg for other's slack. A part of me felt like I was being pretentious and ridiculous. The apology was fake. Of all chaos inside my mind and heart, I was very clear that I had mixed feelings. Feelings that I found uncomfortable and slightly suffocating. Today we received edited script for our audio drama from the lecturer. I still need to hold on. I know. Very well.

I thought it was fine to end this post here. But another thing came into my mind. Quick and simple sharing about mental illness. If you still have difficulty to understand what is the meaning of "Mental illness doesn't always have triggering events to be claimed as one. Sometimes it just comes out of nowhere by anytime.", I suggest you thinking about it as farting. Haha. Does that help a little bit? I just got the idea today. Also, I know it is common for us using "bipolar"/"ocd"/"trauma" casually for comedy. It's okay. Besides that, who knows if those who are not receiving treatment are actually still learning about their signs and preparing themselves to fight the demon. However, I pray, as casual as those words are used, people could be casual and open to the main case as well. Mental illness.

Now, let's end it here. Late wish and greet, Happy New Year! Haha
The weather is bad recently. Take care everyone. See you in later post. Love ya =)

If you dare enough to not avoid toxic, then approach toxic without be toxic.

Approach them without pushing them away. It's not necessarily

have to be mental illness patient. Because love doesn't make label.

And we are the vessels.