Morning Cry

Assalamualaikum

Hello, there. Apa khabar hari ni? It's monday after all. Busy ke? Got new task? Or maybe tasks? May everything will be eased for you all. Hmm this is he very first post of 2021, right? Of january as well haha. ( Edited: It isn't! I forget that I already wrote a post this month LOL )The title is quite sendu kan. So it's very clear that I'm gonna nag and brag about crying here. Let's start.

Yesterday was the due for my final assignment. Alhamdulillah. I finished the lessons. Now only for marking and grading session which had nothing to do with me hahahaha. Wish our lecturer enjoys checking on our trash. Since I only enroll one class and it has no final exam, basically I had done everything now. I felt like to send gratitude to my academic advisor this morning and yes I did. But as soon as I sent her my messages, I started crying. I had mix feeling. And surely there was guiltiness. Whether I'm lucky or blessed, or maybe both, I have this great person who doesn't give up on me and always try to support me with her best. Ugh I feel like crying again. Anyway, all I can say is Alhamdulillah. As human, of course I tend to overlook things. And what I missed this time was that Allah told me, "I'm not giving up on you yet. Never." I had gave up on myself many times. But He never. Not on me. Not on you. Not on anyone.

For my final assignment, we was acquired to write reflective report. Yeah. It was just a common thing. Unfortunately, a part of me didn't feel so. Anxiety disturbed me after a few lines of words. Somehow I ended up misunderstood it as writing apology letter. All bad feelings that I felt about myself during completing the assignment with the group as the leader were messing with my rationality. Although this report can be somewhat complaint paper, I actually wished to write it nicely. But anxiety gave me her ugly laugh. After all efforts I made, knowing how I tried to do something better, the fun and exhaustion, suddenly the biggest words that stucked in my head at that moment was "I HAD DONE NOTHING. I AM USELESS. EVERYTHING IS USELESS." I felt like about to cry too and I was short of breath. But I didn't cry and as time went passed, I didn't even realized when did my breathing back to calm. Anyway, I'm sure I was ill for more than 15 minutes haha.

The assignment was all done by midnight. Everyone gave their best. Maybe half an hour later, a group member messaged me. She apologized for her bad habit and slow progress. I had been with her since pairwork assignment. Although we were doing online class, I can read her pattern. I didn't know whether she had issue with time management like me or she had too many assignments that she can't held by herself. But I know that I have personal wish that she won't give up on herself even when she feels people are giving up on her. Because I know it too that have people giving up on us is hurtful but us giving up on ourselves is harmful. What had done is done. She learned her lesson. So did I. We can only pray for something better. So I gave her a few similar words. I really pray she won't give up on herself. Same pray goes for us too. The very least support I can give.

Hey. I still need to collect wishes from you all. It's my birthday! I mean, it was haha. I'm January 15 baby. Anyone? Well, never mind about the wish. I just want to share that compared to me on my last birthday, I've been better. I was very super depressed last year. I even felt hurt when my friend said "I'm already a grown up. I don't eat snacks anymore." Well, that was her thing and she just said her thought out loud. It wasn't sarcasm. I knew. But at that time I felt like, "So am I the only one who don't grow up yet? Am I too childish?" Fortunately, on my 25th birthday, I was simply calm and lazy around. I didn't really expect anything. But I somewhat hate how observant person I am last friday that I can sense a birthday surprise was coming for me haha. Anyway, it was sweet. It was just the cake wasn't really my type and taste. But I finished it. It was a cake after all hahahaha.

Hmm besides my morning cry, I was in my rock mood today. Did I ever told you that I am also a headbanger for rock music? Anyway, my best highlight song today was "Lost One's Weeping" by Soraru. Obviously, it is a nihon song. It is old but the vibe is still fresh and strong for me. I found this song many years ago. And my thirst for rock was awakened after I watched this korean cover by Raon Lee. Her vocal was insane. It was actually a little uncomfortable seeing she seemed screaming until had her lungs shrinking. But nah, he vocal was just steady and pretty. Female was blessed with high pitch after all. Err....correction. Let's just make her as the only subject. I'm a female with retarded dolphin scream, I guess. Anyway, I put link of the song clip in the title. Feel free to click and enjoy the song hehe.

Until here, I end this post. Thank you for reading it until here. See you in later post. Good night. xoxo =)

I'm a deformed ketam. You can only learn my wrongs.