Two Men

 Assalamualaikum

This morning I was reminded to those two male lecturers that approached me years ago like no one ever did. Yes. They were the two strangers that took a peek on my rotting wounds before I realized they were doing so. Asked about my likes and dislikes. Talked about future planning. And all done by one-to-one. One made me feel seen for the first time. And the other made me feel been read indirectly. Both made me learned about how critical my mental injury was. Made me cry for myself which I used to do it very less often. But only from their one-time approach, I learned a lot about myself.

I'm a mental illness patient. My first diagnosis was MDD and a year after that, I was diagnosed with BMD2. Now, the diagnosis hasn't change for a year and 2021 is my second. The flashback I had this morning makes me want to break something. I want to break this toxic gender unity. Not sure if I gave the right name. What I meant is, this cliche "Man can only understand man and woman can only understand woman." stuff. I know it's mostly used for fun. But that doesn't hold 100% comedy. Because I'm aware that there are many of us have been intoxicated by the joke. I'm no excluded. Do you?

Two male lecturers approached me mentally. Should I say they were confident? I can't deny that. Should I say they were curious? I'm sure they were. Should I say they care about me, the student? Yet they talked to me almost like an imaginary father? At least, that was my personal impression when they came to me. No one gave a damn about gender here. Yes. They were both muslims. The first one was a foreigner. And that adds to nationality, culture, and language. The least things I can think of. And the only thing that remained from the beginning until now is that, just human care for another. Just me trying to convey my feeling to you that I care about you. About us.

In mental illness and mental health issue, there are at least three groups that commonly known; Normal, Moderate, and Clinical. Mental illness patients can be any gender and sexuality. Regardless any age, religion, and occupation. No boundary except the three groups. Then, why should man can only understand man and woman can only understand woman. It's true that mutual things have advantage at compatibility and build sense of unity. It's given. But does that really include outcast the non mutual? Man is told to be all strong and mighty. While woman is told to stop overthinking and overreacting. This is toxic from my POV. Aren't we just human?

I'm almost get myself emotional here. Ugh! I know you have loved ones. I know you noticed a person who seems off. I know you brushed the feeling off reluctantly with "Maybe I'm just overthinking." / "It's nothing. Don't bother." / "Whatever. Not my stuff." And the next day you woke up, you still had the things in mind. As if what you did yesterday was wrong. You thought it might be better to ask first and show your concern later. But what is done is done. Then what about now? What is there not yet done? Have you asked the person? Have you showed your concern? There is still time. When is yours to decide. Maybe this happened to my two lecturers too.

Differences are a part of nature. It can be both boundary and entry. Boundary is not a warning but reminder. And entry is not all free but at least you can still knock on the door and sing "Hello from the outside". Differences need permissions. I don't wish we stop looking at the differences. I pray we stop making differences as excuse to outcast. At least, in this mental health and mental illness issue. Now it's already come to this, gender is just a piece of stimulant in this post. In the end, I still bring up "differences" to the surface spontaneously. You know I don't make writing plan.

I don't have male friend who is also a mental illness patient. But I know a few. And I'm proud of them. I saw many went in and out from psychiatry clinic. Some came alone by themselves just like me. But there were also came with their loved ones. They looked calm, smart, and no less good looking. Simply saying their appearances were just fine. Not saying there was none who looked haggard and all over the place. Anyway, been there was the obvious case. We were mentally ill and we were seeking for better mental healthcare. As simple as that.

Hmm. Poor readers. I make a super super long post again. I've been wondering if my writing can be a little bit helpful lately. Because I write to let you know. To let them know. The learn part is yours and theirs. Obviously, I'm not spreading research paper. I'm simply sharing my thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Do I want to change things? I do. But that is my greed and one of the causes of my mental discord. I can't change anything. That's the only job for The Almighty One. I can only do something.

Guess I should stop now. My brain can be unbelievable at spouting nonsense at some point. Thank you for reading my trash haha. See you in later post. Don't forget your lunch! xoxo  =)

Hey, today's date is beautiful.

Sometimes it is not that we are not kind enough.

It is just us not brave enough to make a kind act.