Faraway Mirror

Assalamualaikum

There are things I want to share but I don't think I have to. There are words I want to tell and write but I don't think it's improper. there are confession and complaints I want to make but I don't think it's worthy. I have a person in mind. A person who I wish I could be straight about all these messes and dilemma. This person is like a mirror. This mirror won't tells what's right and wrong about me. But it tells me who I am. It makes me feel seen by myself. Imperfect. But still whole. Now this mirror is too far from my sight, I can't see myself well. All I can tell is that I lost major part of myself. I mean it.

Sometimes while I was waiting for my turn to meet the doctor, I felt empty beside me. Knowing this person wasn't sitting with me, made me wanted to remember feeling of have that particular presence next to me. But the more I tried to remember and put all pieces of memory into the present, the empty one wasn't only the seat but also my heart. While this person kept my mind full, my heart was stuffed with feeling empty. When doctor asked how did I come to the hospital, the presence of this person in my mind became stronger and flashy. Because whether I came to the hospital by myself or my father sent me, what pained me was that this person wasn't with me like usual.

I have anger that I disable to breathe out. Afraid it will just turns out to be wild noises instead of bold honesty. I have sadness that sometimes I couldn't cry out without forcing myself. I have love that stinks with toxic affection which I try so hard to keep it to myself only. I have difficult and unsettle issue with myself. In addition with absence of this person, sometimes things became more miserable than usual. Including myself. I hate myself every time I realize how spoiled and dependable I am toward this person. A mirror that used to make me forget about self hate. A strong part of myself that used to make me feel whole.

I can't help from asking myself if am I the only one acting this way? Am I the weird one? Am I acting too much unreasonable and immature? Am I the only one who takes small thing seriously? I can't help from judging and insult myself. How come I don't feel childish when even until this point, I wish this person is here to stop me from continue making this mess. I wish this person is here to tell me that I'm still okay. I wish this person is here with me. Without this person near me, sometimes I felt too weak. Too weak for myself. Too weak for everyone. Too weak for everything in present and incoming.

A friend said, missing someone can be painful sometimes. But I have been bearing this pain almost every month. In a month, there would be a period I feel this pain at its strongest. Like right now. In this few days. A flash of this person image in my mind is enough to get me choked with thin tears in my eyes. No matter where am I or what I'm doing. I have this sweet daughter's fantasy which I would share this pain with my mother. Yes. I let the fantasy as it is. Have unspoken person in mind is already painful. I think I would burst to tears with the first letter if I say it out loud.

Life is neither so bad nor so good. But in a period or even just a moment of many where I could feel this person in my mind and heart very strong, I become almost lifeless. Pins and needles in my chest. Ice in my breath. Tension around my head. As if I am melting, freezing, and breaking at the same time. This emotion is ugly. And I feel ugly about myself. Too childish. Too ugly. This monthly cycle already goes on for 9 months. Every month, if it's not a period, at least in moments, I have to bear this heartbreaking pain. It's exhausting.

All paragraphs above

could become meaningless

if I have this person near me right now.

Next to me.

Goodnight.