Necessity

I live with shames and mistakes. This thought has been in my mind for quite long now. 1 month? 2 months? Sometimes I abled to console this thought by telling myself that whatever happened in the past, I had done my best as best as I could and knew at those moments. While some other times I could feel the regrets and grief rise back inside me. This thought often was the strongest when I was at my weakest. When was that? When I started feeling tired due to working and it was worsened as time passed.

One morning, I woke up with pain and tensed muscles from head to toe. The same thing happened in second morning, third, fourth, every morning. It was my second month worked as a sale person. At first, I thought this was normal. I had engraved this expectation ever since I started seeking job. I thought everyone must be facing the similar condition. I thought maybe my physical just still unfamiliar with this change I made in my life. I thought I will be fine and get used to this as time passed.

Then, I met the third month. The pain all over my body never gone. I could feel pain when I stretched my waist a little. I could feel pain on my knuckles and toes. I could feel pain on my neck and shoulder. And I could feel the worst pain on my knees which I always felt like crying and screaming whenever I tried to crouch. I started worrying in case there was something wrong with my knees. It was so obvious that my physical health was in bad condition.

After one week passed, I told my boss that I wanted to quit. I needed to rest as soon as possible. This was one month earlier notice. So I stood the third month together with Ramadan. This was my first time ever fasting while working. I was disappointed with myself because I didn't do well in fasting. The first two weeks was good but not on remaining weeks. At the same time, my mental health also started degrading. Unlike usual where I could still handle my work at my best, sometimes I felt like crying while working or just sitting while waiting customer. I realized right away that I wasn't feeling tired anymore.

I live with shames and mistakes. This thought kept hitting me whenever it could. But I already felt exhausted to have one or two battles with it. I let my mind spoke all the bad words including grew regrets and grief inside my heart over the past matter about I quitted my degree. I was scolded that if I didn't quit my degree, perhaps things are better now. People would appreciated my certs and efforts despite me who was extend student for 6 years. I was asked and scolded more by myself, why I always make things hard for myself? Why must I keep making 'suicide story'?

I got to know the word 'suicide story' from a friend. When I shared my decision to quit degree in instagram story publicly, she replied me with a strong strange question, "Kau nak buat suicide story lagi ke?" I didn't understand the word at that time. But I started to understand it while our chat was going on. By that time, I was enraged by the word 'suicide'. Suicide is a sensitive word and matter to me. Seeing it was used in that way was unacceptable. However, meaning of the word 'suicide story' putted me on defensive mode. I believed I won't regret my decision because I had clear reasons to do so. I also believed that we were just two persons with different life preference.

Yet the word 'suicide story' has haunted me until now in passing 2+ months. The feeling of regrets and grief over shames and mistakes I had done in the past were acting up often. Sometimes I was stronger to console it. While sometimes it was louder than me. From this on-going experience, I learned that it's still matter to use gentle words when we're communicating with others even though they seem strong and cool as persons in our mind. The way I was affected by the word 'suicide story' has large different between then and now. Anyway, thing that I'm cleared with is that the word 'suicide story' is harsh for myself either in the past or in the present.

Now, I'm at home. Two weeks had passed since I quitted my job. On the first week of May, I worked for last 4 days and spent my first two Syawal by sleeping because I was already half dead. I had a moment of mental break and cried after long long time. I felt better on the next week - I thought. Actually it was my sickness again. The whole one week was filled with endless thrill and chill but later I was half dead again. Alhamdulillah, I took 2 to 3 days to recover and started spending the rest of days until today with cleaning and tidying my room. I was happier and healthier this few days. Although anxiety kept getting on my nerves, I'm still okay. The physical pain had long gone magically since last weekend. I feel so much better and relax now. No doubt that rest is a necessity. At least, for me.

I'm sorry. I was on MIA (missing in air) for months yet once I come back I'm possessed to write this so so sooooooo long. Like to mention that this is just a summary of 3 months past *cough* but not everything. Did you quit in the middle of reading it and continue later? Or perhaps you get it done eventually? No way. Thank you for so much care and attention. Looking forward for your comments even though you're just an anon. Hmm I may be on MIA again later because I will start to play job hunter. Anyhow, I will come back for sure. Maybe later post could be in malay? hoho

When money has torn out, it still can be mended.
But when mental health has burn out, there is no way to survive.