80 Days

Assalamualaikum...

It has been so long since I've been here. I miss my writing days so much. I miss feeling my heart dancing while my fingers tap tap the keys. Hello, readers. How're you all? Have this writer got forgotten already? One year. Such long time, I didn't turn on my laptop. What a miracle that I'm sitting in front of it right now, typing a blog. This is thrilling. I hope I can finish this blog and publish it.

80 Days. I don't actually count the days. It was the work of online date calculator I found from google search. It is a period of how long has my mother passed away. Now I lost words to continue this writing. I have so much in my mind now that she occupied my mind. The remains of grief and more other dark emotions those I've been suppressing way long before she left, during the period her illness got worst day to day.

While Ramadhan and Syawal were approaching, I couldn't help from wondering how I would actually felt the moment they arrived. Would I felt lonely? Would I felt sad and heartbroken? Would I lost my mind? I was curious how worst things could be for me. And when the day arrived, I was just another soul who lived her casual life. Except, I couldn't feel her presence around me anymore.

Regarding my late mother, I have deadly overwhelming untold words. I do fear I might burst out of insanity someday. However, I still feel the need to keep it all inside. I don't feel safe to let everything out. I don't feel safe to feel the emotions I carry bit by bit. I don't feel safe to truly sigh and admit how heavy and torturing this load I'm carrying.

Am I doing fine? I wonder about this often too. Am I really doing fine? And in low whisper I could actually heard myself said "I don't think so." everytime. I may not doing all great but I still can handle my everyday life. For me, that's a strong point. As long as this life is livable, that means I still have energy to carry on.

Ugh! Writing is actually very unpleasant. It's actually a harsh ride of tide. In every line. Guess what makes it likeable for me is because it remarks most of my honesty and the courage I try to recall. I really wish I can do this just like in the old days. But I don't know when will I come back here again after this one? But I really want to come back. Thank you for your time and care. Pray I'll see y'all again in another blog someday. Bye bye

broken people don't know everything about how to fix
but know everything that has been broken.