Why Me

Assalamualaikum...

Why do I feel I am different? Why do I think that I am different? Why did people make me feel different? Why did they say I am different? Differences are not all bad. And not all of them gave me weird eyes. Some of them seemed admiring it. Some others held back the curiosity they had for me. It took so long for me to realize and accept the fact that be different is normal. But even though I have the fact in my mind, I still question myself time to time.

Why was it so difficult to adjust myself with people as well as surrounding? Why did I still uncomfortable no matter how long time had passed? Why was it so difficult to feel belonged and didn't isolate myself? I can stay at home everyday and don't talk with anyone for a long time. Sometimes I felt bored but not too bored that I wanted to go outside. And somehow I can always find things or activities to entertain myself in the house or specifically, in my room.

Why I didn't feel satisfy do things those other people did? Why I didn't feel similar needs they have? Why I feel lost as I can't find my own shadow? These thoughts and feeling aren't new. I've been living with them since I was very little. Not that I can't find my own happiness. And not that I never feel happiness too. Yet why it was seemed complicated? I like doing things in my way. I like doing it alone. Enjoyed it all by myself. But as time passed, it hit me again, why do I different than others? Than the majority.

Something scary has been growing in my mind quite a long time now. I read people too much. When I looked into their eyes, I couldn't focus on our conversation because I tried to read the undelivered words. I started fearing people's expressions and opinions again. This matter isn't my first time. But formerly it wasn't this strong. A part of me, I didn't trust their words and I didn't trust myself too. I often questioned myself later. Did I say it right? Did I actually be honest? Or might be it was all pretentious?

It is still difficult for me to unlearn that age is just a number. Why I keep forcing myself, rushing myself, about be adult? What does adult actually stand for? Is it about carrying responsibilities as similar as other with same age? Is it about making family? Is it about building career? Is it about not staying at home? All this idea I've gagged into my throat are never appetizing for me. Again and again, I feel so different and distant.

Do people are too attach with this life? Or it may be me who is too attach with my own world? Maybe I had learned too much lies from elders while growing that now I face difficulty to accept and adjust with changes, rise and fall, lost and gain, and everything else that I don't know is happening. I often shaming myself that I act like a child. I'm too comfortable in my own space and time. People are difficult for me. Unfamiliar surroundings are difficult for me. And I don't want to face everything alone. I like be alone in my own world. But not when I'm outside.

Now that I've wrote so long, I'm worry about your opinions. Despite knowing it's none of my business, I'm still making it related to me. I want to be kind. I want to have kind thoughts. But my mind is still looping the same toxic thoughts and wonders. I should stop reading people. I should stop trying to see things that beyond what my naked eyes can see. I should stop this. I should stop. Please, stop. Because of this toxic, it is difficult for me to speak my mind again. Hence, I write.