Overshadowed Self Awareness

Bismillah. Assalamualaikum...

It's sad that school didn't make us learn about how to take care ourselves. How to love ourselves. It was always about people. How to make your elders proud. How to not make people giving you side eye. How to not waste teachers' efforts. We learned about communication. But solely for people and with people only. Some of us agreed that teachers won't be able to teach us everything. I agreed a part of this opinion. However, we spent 8 to 10 hours at school and very little time at home, minus our bed time. Yet at the end of day, all failures and mistakes became our responsibilities. Whatever the lacks we had, became our burden alone.

As we were growing up, we tended to solve everything alone. Thinking to ourselves all the time. Speaking to ourselves and mistook it as high self esteem. Practicing self teach and mistook it as credibility. Whatever the unmet needs we had, we worked to earn it alone. School educated as to how to connect with people. Put us into groups of 2 to 6 tables. The introverts struggled to socialize but somehow kind of succeeded anyway. The extroverts enjoyed the moment. The ambiverts had chance to be flexible. Yes, we didn't learn how to connect with ourselves. It was always about satisfying people's expectations. We became more and more aware of people's opinions and judgments until the chance to build self awareness and boundary was overshadowed completely.

By year 2011, we had to adjust ourselves with digital world. From socializing all the way to browsing knowledge. In between, we happened to get distracted with virtual fun. Bit by bit, our personal unmet needs were satisfied due to the huge social circle and unlimited knowledge. Now self taught became more interesting and deeper than it used to. We became least dependent and we felt good about it. Unknowingly, actually we were suppressing the overwhelming dissatisfaction to the point we happened to acquire wider knowledge about self awareness and well beings. Event that, by ourselves.

We were amazed about discovering more and more unexpected awareness from digital world. Some matters made us feel related and mutual. We started recognizing the overwhelming suppressed dissatisfactions. We recognized the flood and cracking tanks. We recognized failures and mistakes in ourselves which parts of those weren't completely our faults. We became more and more aware of what's going on with ourselves. The tendency to cope and survive by our own efforts became more intense, didn't matter the how, as long as we walked out alive. In the process, the up and down of our anxiety had us on roller coaster all the time. Sometimes the rail was fine to ride on, however the anxiety about what's ahead was irresistible.

Yes, we would be fine. It was just a roller coaster. It was just a game of life. Sometimes we enjoyed the flow and other times we almost threw up and gave up. We laughed, cried, and screamed with people who were on the seats but not really felt connected in any way. From least dependent to loneliness. Long time ago, we felt good about discovering self awareness. We felt encouraged to make it work. But now, the page had turned over. Long time ago, we stopped the flood the flood went nowhere because we might just patched the cracking tanks. The spills was still going on but in very unnoticeable drops. The increasing self awareness was taken as as massive mess.

We were helpless because we didn't know how to ask for help. We were alone because we had always been that way. This time, we took longer time to cope and survive the continuous anxiety. The adventures and challenges were never like previous ones. The unfamiliarity were distressing and in the worst case, we started feeling to run away from everything. The past, the present, and the future. We started romanticizing death as the greatest sacrificial and sign of love. The more efforts we put to survive this struggles, the tighter the strangle with felt. The flood was still there. But now we started drowning into it.

Oh the darkness underneath was relieving. Because we couldn't see anything. Everything that had occupied us inside and out all this time for a very very long period, was now completely gone. Although we had to hold our breath, somehow it was worthy. Remember? Didn't matter the how, as long as we made out alive. The contra of perception was extremely extra destroying. Now, alive meant dying quietly. We found relief in pain. Might it be just in mind and heart or inflicted physically. Pain just felt good.

Time passed as we barely recognized the sunrise and sunset while drowning deeper into darkness. Until suddenly, the unexpected occurrence happened. The reflex of our physical to breathe again, how the system was triggered and recognized that it wasn't time to die yet. We started swimming to the surface with our weak legs. Unfortunately, we were already too deep beneath the flood. We saw the glimpse of light but it was unreachable. We pondered about giving up while our lungs were flooded yet we were still trying to reach the light. The helplessness forced us to ask for help. But who could listened anyway?

No one knew we were drowning deep down here. No one knew our painful stories. No one knew the struggles and strangles we had to endure all this time. We never let anyone knew because that was how we used to survive. Because we weren't taught about taking care ourselves, but other people. We were excellent at self dependent. Now - how would we survived and escaped this very unknown and endless deep darkness?