Hypertension

Assalamualaikum...

Good morning, peeps!

How're you today?

Dah breakfast?

Farahin baru lepas pergi check bp (blood pressure) ni ha. Tapi baru lepasnya tu setengah jam yang lalu. Alhamdulillah. Dapat juga bangun pagi. Even kunci alarm pukul 6.05 pagi, namun bangunnya pukul 6.35 pagi jengjengjenggg haha.

Pergi check bp hari ni lain sikit. Biasa diminta baring berehat 15-30 minit dulu. Tapi hari ni terus pergi check. Macam biasa, bp tinggi hoho. Farahin pun dah malas nak buat sebarang reaction. Malas nak peduli. Tuptup staff klinik suruh jumpa doktor.

Jumpa doktor, doktor yang sama keluarkan surat rujuk hospital sem lepas. Sembang pasal bila, berapa lama ambil ubat, ubat apa, apa perubahan, tapi sampai doktor tanya "jadi ada apa-apa yang doktor boleh bantu tak sekarang?" dah terpinga-pinga Farahin jadinya. Tak expect pun kena jumpa doktor hari ni. Memang otak kosong, fikir nak makan sebab lapar sangat dah masa tu hahahaha.

Second time check bp dengan doktor pun tinggi juga. Doktor minta relaks, zikir sikit, jengjengjeng bp tetap juga tinggi. Kurang sikit je dari reading yang pertama tadi. Bila doktor tanya ada apa-apa yang buat Farahin stress ke lately, Farahin cakap je lah "stress tu memang ada. tapi tak ada lah stress sangat." Yalah. Manusia mana je tak stress hidup dekat dunia pesat membangun acah bertamadun ni kan.

Sembang punya sembang, teringat pula nak share dengan doktor pasal Farahin oftenly depleted. Farahin dah perasan pattern for 2 months already. Kalau sehari lepas buat apa-apa outdoor activities, jumpa orang ke, contohnya macam pergi appointment doktor tu, dua hari berturut mesti Farahin depleted. Susah nak bangun tidur. Makan susah. Mandi susah. Jadinya doktor beri Farahin vitamin.

Farahin memang siap-siap google lepas dapat ubat. Paling basic, nak tahu side effects ubat tu. Jadi Farahin memang tahu ubat yang Farahin ambil sekarang ada side effect hypertension. Sebab tu Farahin tak hairan sangat bp tinggi huhu.

Until here, I put the end of this post.

Have a good day and all the best!

Bubye. See ya =)

just because it makes me stronger,
doesn't mean i don't need to feel and be protected.

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Hello November

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, November ! Hello, people !

How are you today ? Sihat ke semuanya ?

Bagi yang sakit tu (macam Farahin hehe), get well soon !

Alhamdulillah. It's already november now. I made it for 8 months. And now it's my 4th month on medication. Back then, tak terlintas langsung di fikiran yang I could make it this far. Banyak yang dah Farahin tangiskan dan luahkan. Antaranya ialah, "Susah, doktor. Susahnya nak hidup tanpa nafsu nak hidup."

Alhamdulillah. Berkat sekecil-kecil usaha, senipis-nipis harapan dan nafsu yang ada, kalau Farahin tak menapak ke hospital pada hujung Julai hari tu, belum tentu hari ni Farahin dapat buat post ni. Mungkin masih terbaring meraung di atas tilam. Mungkin dah bercalar-balar dengan luka dan parut. Mungkin tak ada pun dekat bumi Allah ini.

Supposed semalam lagi Farahin pergi klinik kesihatan universiti untuk monitor blood pressure as requested by my doctor. Tapi I was depleted. As well as today too. Tapi Alhamdulillah hari ni dapat bangun pagi walaupun lewat. Sempat sarapan. Mandi. Nature call. Inshaallah. Esoklah pergi monitor blood pressure tu. Kalau ditanya kenapa tak datang Isnin dan Selasa, cakap je lah kan yang Farahin tak bangun haha. Tapi sebelum ni tak ada pun ditanya.

Sejak dapatkan rawatan, Farahin memang open je dengan orang pasal my mental illness. Kadang-kadang tu self doubt juga. Rasa macam aku ni attention seeker ke? Aku ni TMI ke? Aku ni gini? Aku ni gitu? But then I reminded myself again and again, yang itu semuanya stigma. Farahin pusing balik niat asal, apa yang buat Farahin rela open up with people about it. Bukan ke untuk break that stigma within me and the people around me? Bukan ke untuk sama-sama melaungkan suara prihatin dengan mereka yang masih tak kuat untuk bersuara meminta tolong? Bukan ke kerana Allah?

Yes. I'm a MDD (Major Depressive Disorder) patient. I'm that girl who smiles and calls your name. I'm that girl who sits and eats in the same area with you. I'm that girl who loves to make friend with you. I'm that girl who cares about you as well as other patients. I'm that girl who breathes the same air and will be at mahsyar along with you. I'm just that girl.

Until here, I put the end of this post.

Thank you for your time and concern!

Have a good day and take care.

See ya =)

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Teardrops of Faithful Love

One cry after nights of silence

The inner scream I let it drips cold

Unspoken words are tied to my frozen tongue

Hands to my chest where you are in my heart

Heard love supposed to keep us close despite the distance

They said time will get us meet in no time

Then what love that keeps me longing this long

To you I make space in this heart yet still lost

How can the moon and the sun never seen together

Under this same sky how can we still be this far

I am fine alone but not without your presence

To you and for you I pour teardrops of faithful love

May this feeling keeps us tangle despite life and death.

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Unwanted Criminal

Torn out poster with blurred face

My unknown name is labeled wanted

Their sarcasm and their dirty orgasm

Don't let me die but they keep pulling on the trigger

The trigger in my head doesn't let me escape

How I plead the dead comes upon me

Don't let me die but make me the criminal

No! I'm not going behind the cold bars

Can't you see I'm chained to these suicidal scars

Their bad tongues lick me dirty into burning blame

Wish I'm dead but they never come for my head

Oh, kill me! Kill me! Kill me now with your hate

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Be Patient With Patient

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Long time no see y'all.

How're you doing?

September had long gone and I'm still not saying my goodbye. I'm even very very very late to greet the October now. Anyway, night all! I'm here again after almost a month went silent. I'm having upset stomach right now. Guess it's because I was late for my dinner again. Yesterday I had it late too and it was quite unhealthy because I only had instant cup noodle. I even had bad routine yesterday by sleeping all day long right after my no-rice-lunch-but-only-biscuits-and-bread lol.

I'm supposed to proceed making progress on my final year project right now but I don't feel like to do it anyway. Even though I had it planned this afternoon after crying out of feeling anxious, thinking that I'm still don't have satisfying progress to be updated to my supervisor. I had informed him last week during our first meeting after a month the semester started, "I'll do have progress but it will be slow (like slowest ever)." I texted him while crying and he let me proceed with the system first and don't worry about the documents/reports yet. He is such a nice person. Too nice that I could not help to not feeling guilty and ashamed. He had helped me a lot since two last semesters. Again, he is indeed very nice and patient.

Patience. That's what I need the most right now. Not only from people around me, but also from myself. I have been on medication for 2 months and a half now. And my pill had changed from sertraline to venlafaxine. I love to call it Venus hehe. I'm also came out a name for sertraline -- Saturn. Cute, isn't it? I'm now on my second week with Venus. This pill causes sleepiness but I don't think it's working to make me go to sleep right after taking it. Well, maybe my body as well as my brain ares till working to get used to it.

I'm already transferred to HTAA, Kuantan. Last wednesday was my second appointment. The doctor was nice and I always love the discussion we had. Of course, I'm not the type of patient who only listen. I love asking, getting advices, giving opinions, and sharing mutual decisions or conclusions. No mention easily triggered and crying in front the doctor lol. She was just skillful at doing those politely and I don't hate it at all. The most important is, not only the doctor but also nurses were highly patient. It could be because they were trained and are working for psychiatry. Yet again, I don't hate it at all.

This mid semester break I'll go back home. Well, actually I was asked to. There is something need to be done at home. My father had asked my confirmation for twice. He also told me that he met a imam and asked him regarding my mental illness. I was frustrated as soon as I was told. Last July, only in a week after I started my medication, he took me for ruqyah without any discussion. And here he met some other imam 2 months after. I'm far from misunderstanding his love and concern. But what's putting me into discomfort here is how he seems make my voice and opinions invalid. Shortly, he's been impatient. I understand why but I won't let it pass if this continued.

This is another example of stigma. It's not always come in harshness way but also in politeness. It has been difficult for me trying to break my own stigma toward my own mental illness and be more patient with myself than years before. But when these closest people keep pushing me like I don't make any effort or improvement, I feel disregarded and invalidated. I do need solid support as well as advice sometimes. And along with those, I'm also need patience.

From perspective of a healthy person, I'm now not in my good condition as good as 3 to 4 years ago. My movements and progresses are at their slowest pace ever. I'm ill and just start taking treatment. While from perspective of a ungealthy person, I'm doing my best. I'm already hit my limit and I need some more rest. I make efforts but most of them happens and done in my brain as well as my body. As my final line of this late night post, be patient with patient.

Thank you for your time and concern.

Have a good rest and good night!

See you. Bubye =)

Everything is subjective. It is all depend on one's perspective.
Be creative. Be imaginative.

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