Balloon

[click image to listen the poem's inspiration]

Cannot hold it anymore

A balloon attached to a string

Tied to my hand wherever I've been

Cannot hold it anymore

The burdening feelings have me unstable

A loop of emptiness in my head is unstoppable

Thought I would have to let go

Turn away and just go

Because I cannot hold it anymore

Cannot hold it anymore

Cries shatter as I undone the knot

To a still pole a balloon is now tied to

I don't have to hold it anymore

Wait and I promised will be back

Take care and watch my back.

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Quiet Room

The earth is now all in white

And the sky is no more bright

For you I keep burning the light

By the window of quiet room

I let it open wide in delight

Even now you are out of the sight

And our memories still I hold them tight

Even winter cannot stop my fight

Loving you all my might.

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Tea Time

Lips close to the cup

Thin smokes are floating up

Careful the hotness could burn you up

Sweet fragrance and bitter taste

Haven't you wake up yet?

Face up and look up

Watch and let me fill you up

It's tea time.

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Selalu Lupa

Assalamualaikum...

Recently, Farahin ada join satu group facebook ni. Dekat dalam group tu majoritinya orang serba depressed dan mengalami anxiety, both diagnosed and not. Baru dua hari join group ni. Fuh! Aktif sungguh. Memang aktif dengan pelbagai bentuk luahan dan sokongan. Ada juga yang promote servis ruqyah dari masjid india which Farahin tak berminat pasal type yang begini huhu.

Jadi pagi ni buka facebook pun meriah feeds dengan posts dari group facebook tu. Tapi condition Farahin pun tak berapa baik hari ni. Asal terbaca je sebaris dua ayat dari posts tu, terus ingatkan diri. No! Nope. Not now. You are not in your good condition, Farahin. Take care of yourself more for now. Tapi itulah dugaannya. Bila kita empati tak kira sempadan, tak kira siapa, lalu kita pun terlupa, lantas dikongsikan sebahagian tenaga emosi yang tak seberapa kepada mereka.

Hari ni dah masuk tiga komen Farahin kasi pulun. Komen bukan sembarangan. Tapi komen penus perasaan dan sokongan. Sakit. Sakit tengok realiti yang setiap hari ada saja yang berdiri atas bangunan nak bunuh diri. Sebelum ni sekadar dibaca-baca merata. Nah! Ni nampak sendiri situasi sebenarnya. Walaupun cuma melalui pucukan luahan mereka di socmed.

Selalu lupa. Selalu lupa bila diri sendiri tak cukup tenaga tapi tetap dikongsikan dengan yang lain. Selalu lupa kepentingan diri sendiri. I think now I know and realized kebaikan mengelakkan diri dari socmed bila keadaan emosi tidak stabil. Tapi banyak benda hari ni yang penting2 di socmed. Maybe Farahin patut off my phone bila dah sampai situasi macam ni. Huhu

Anyway, my muslimah thought tell me a sarcasm. Kau tutup phone. Kau baca quran je weh. Well, it isn't wrong huh. Paling kurang pun zikir dan salawat. Inshaallah

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Your Support, Not Your Advice

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar hari ini?

Fuh! Tak sabar nak membebel ni.

Tengok tajuk pun macam sensasi kan.

Terus terang cakap, i'm making a direct sarcasm lol.

Support. Since Farahin acknowledge myself as a psychiatric patient, Farahin terus terang cakap all i need is support. Sebab i'm not as strong as before to support myself all by my own. All i need is support. Alhamdulillah. I did and i do get it from a few people around me. Even from socmed. I appreciate it. Thank you and may you all are blessed by Allah. Inshaallah.

However, tolak tepi pasal support sekejap. Kita sembang sikit pasal advice pula. Dah half of 2019 Farahin bergaduh, berkawan, bergaduh balik, berkawan balik, dengan sakit ni. Sekarang dah masuk bulan kelima Farahin makan ubat pun. Baru tiga hari lepas Farahin bergelak bertekak dengan suicide thought. Sepanjang tempoh ni, Farahin perasan banyak orang sekitar Farahin yang keliru dengan istilah support (sokongan) dan advice (nasihat). Kebanyakannya disamakan kedua-duanya.

Farahin tak rajin nak buka kamus dewan bahasa pustaka. Tak rajin juga nak google merata. Tapi suka Farahin nak kongsikan pendapat sendiri. Sokongan dan nasihat itu berbeza. Jauhhhhhhh beza. Payah Farahin nak terangkan dalam ayat diskusi panjang. Jadi Farahin nak beri contoh. Jom buka cerita semalam haha.

Semalam ada kawan murah hati beri Farahin kek batik handmade dia. Bersama bekas kek batik tu dia tampalkan sticky note atas penutup. Farahin, choose to be happy today. Choose to focus on the positive things in your life. Choose to trust Allah that everything going to be okay =). Farahin baca wish ni sekali je terus sentap. Rasa kelakar, rasa geram, rasa kecil, rasa kekok pun ada.

Jadi Farahin beritahu dekat diri. I take the food. I take the (good) intention. But I only take 50% of the words. Farahin pun tak reti nak (atau mungkin belum reti) nak respon this one attitude dari kawan Farahin ni. Her good intention always come in not so good timing atau lebih tepat lagi not in not so good saying or writing.

No sorry but pardon me. Farahin tak boleh nak ambil bulat2 apa yang dia wish untuk Farahin. Choose? Berapa banyak choose dekat situ? Satu je pun dah cukup buat Farahin rasa berat dan terbeban. Farahin beritahu dekat diri lagi. Tiada siapa boleh putuskan apa yang aku kena buat. Yang mana yang patut aku pilih. Apa yang diberi, aku boleh putuskan sama ada untuk terima mahupun tidak.

Tercucuk perasaan sebenarnya. Sebab orang empati tinggi macam Farahin cuba empati lebih sikit dengan diri sendiri selalu akan diributkan dengan perasaan serba salah. Rasa jahat sangat. Tapi look geng. Apa yang kawan Farahin wish tu, yang tu lah bagi Farahin contoh advice (nasihat) / cadangan / pilihan / recommendation / suggestion. That wasn't a support to me. And I was and am far feeling supported. But I did and do feel loved and appreciated.

Jadi suka Farahin nak kongsikan sikit macam mana kita nak tunjukkan support kita kepada seseorang. Tak kiralah pesakit mental atau orang yang sihat walafiat sekalipun. Sebab manusia hari ni banyaknya sibuk dengan kemahiran komunikasi (communication skill) sampai lupa nak belajar lebih pasal kemahiran empati (empathy skill). Senang je. For basic, support is another language for pray/dua/doa.

Tengok dan baca Farahin pusing ayat kawan Farahin tu. Friend, I wish you to have better happiness in the future. I wish you'll be surrounded by all the positivity to fight all the negativity. I wish you'll be more blessed and always protected by Allah and may everything will be fine again. Nah! Macama mana? Apa geng rasa kalau dapat wish macam tu dari someone yang geng memang tahu mereka love and care? For me, I would feel more loved and touched. And kalau that time Farahin tengah depressed, sumpah banjir sampai subuh esoknya. Just like usual bila bff Farahin gives me the right words to support me. Oh, i miss her!

Jadi rasanya cukup je lah sampai sini. Kalau Farahin paksa juga bebel lebih, I can be overwhelmed. Kalau dah overwhelmed, boleh ada chance anxiety hit. Lepas tu mulalah stressed. Dah stressed, alamatnya tunggu depression datang ajak main je lah. Esok Farahin last appointment doktor sebelum transfer balik ke hospital kluang. Hujung disember ni kot balik rumah hehe.

Thank you for dropping by and finish reading this post!

May you have a good rest!

See you on the next post! xoxo =)

toxic positivity is okay but i recommend you to not do it too much
or it would be like you are overdosing yourself with antidepressant.

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