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Love Beggar

Posted by ELFarahin | On April 08, 2021 | |

Assalamualaikum

Hello, peeps. Apa khabar hari ni? Tinggal beberapa hari je lagi sebelum Ramadan. Ready yet? Sembang pasal Ramadan, yeah it's already April. Farahin cuma buat satu post je last month kan. Well macamlah tak biasa kan haha. So hari ni nak report a few things kat korang. Mestilah kan. Kalau tak Farahin buat apa je dekat sini. Ehem. Next paragraph please.

March was an emotional month. Boleh dikatakan agak murung juga. For whole month, Farahin terdesak nakkan sesuatu yang Farahin jarang minta. Sesuatu yang Farahin jarang buat dengan sesiapapun. Sesuatu yang Farahin harap boleh hangatkan sikit hati Farahin yang rasa sunyi hampir sebulan tu. Farahin terdesak nakkan hug. Hug is a physical contact which memang bukan trend Farahin. But still, I did receive hugs from people. Cuma jarang. Tapi bulan lepas I really needed it so bad. Memang ada rasa nak minta hug dari mak tapi at last I didn't ask for it. Yeah. I had my own personal reasons.

Dahlah rasa lonely so deep, Farahin rasa rindu pula dengan bff. Rindu yang teramat sampai Farahin rasa murung. Not severe. But surely didn't feel good. Just about last week, finally we had a proper heart to heart chat. Farahin memang dah jarang chat dengan dia macam ni. Dia dah tentu ada situation. But I can only talk about side, right. So from my side kenapa Farahin dah jarang chat heart to heart dengan dia adalah disebabkan trust issue. I have been in this difficult situation since end of 2019. Ya. Dah boleh kira bertahunlah juga kan.

How strange and tragiknya bagi Farahin bila Farahin sedar Farahin dah mula hilang rasa percaya dekat dia. Sedangkan dia adalah orang yang paling Farahin percaya dan mudah untuk Farahin bersifat terbuka. Jarang sekali Farahin ragukan dia. Tapi tiba-tiba je one day, Farahin ada perasaan sedemikian dekat dia. Makin lama ianya semakin kuat. Dan bila mental Farahin tak stabil, Farahin tahan je diri daripada tuduh dia yang dia dah peduli pasal Farahin. Sebab Farahin tahu dan dengan payahnya cuba yakinkan diri yang dia tak pernah berbuat sedemikian dekat Farahin. It was a difficult and painful moment.

Jadi from last week punya chat, lepas dia mengadu pasal life issue dia, Farahin pun open up deeply dekat dia like I used to do long ago. Of course. I cried during our chat. I was feeling mildly depressed at that moment. Finally, I validated myself and received reassurement from her. She loves me. She still loves me. Her family loves me too. Her sister cares about me as well. Okey. Sebak sikit. Never did I know that I can be this desperate for love to the point I was about to beg for it. Padahal, the person I was bukanlah jenis mengemis kasih sayang. I was simply a chill and cool person. I felt I was loved enough by myself long years ago. Sampailah I fell sick. Everything changed drastically like a sudden nature disaster.

Since that night, sampailah hari ni, Farahin boleh dikatakan feeling good. As if love and trust energized me. Bila dia share personal issue dekat Farahin which dia dah jarang buat, Farahin rasa dipercayai sekaligus boleh jadi tempat bergantung. Like I was still a capable and trusted person. Farahin rasa kuat. Farahin pun rasa terbuka dengan dia. Rasa percaya dekat dia tu berbuah semula. Dan slowly Farahin semakin tenang. Silently, memang ini yang Farahin perlukan. Farahin perlukan pengesahan nyata yang Farahin masih berkebolehan. Sungguhpun, Farahin ada ketidakupayaan mental. Biarlah sekalipun pengesahan itu kecil, ianya sangat membantu.

A few days ago pula, sepupu Farahin chat, mengadu yang dia depressed dan pernah cederakan diri. Dia dah tahan sejak dia darjah empat. Lepas dah masuk sekolah menengah, dia jadi lebih pendiam dan rasa lain. Sudah tentunya Farahin rasa panik sebab Farahin masih ada kesukaran untuk terima berita yang begini dengan tenang. Sedih dengan aduan dia. Tapi Farahin bersyukur dia mengadu dekat Farahin. Dari sini juga Farahin dapat kekuatan. Sebab Farahin dapat dan diberi kepercayaan dari seseorang. I can sense yang dia berani mengadu dengan Farahin sebab Farahin memang biasa sembang pasal my emotions and mental illness publicly on socmed. Walaupun cuma dengan menulis.

Target awal Farahin mula open pasal mental illness ialah untuk Farahin break stigma yang ada dalam diri sendiri. Nama pun dalam, memang tak senang nak tendang. Jadi Farahin fikir why not start dari luar je dulu. Do something louder daripada just bisik-bisik dekat diri diam-diam. It works until today. Tipulah kalau Farahin dah tak ada stigma terhadap mental illness, I still can feel it strongly bila mental Farahin tak stabil. My second target pula sebab nak spread awareness. Memanglah banyaknya Farahin merapu pasal emosi Farahin nak mati bagai. Tapi itu juga sejenis disclosure dan validation yang mental illness dan suicidal behavior ni wujud. Cuma ianya disampaikan dengan cara agresif hehe.

Hmm panjang sudah blognya haha. Lompat kesimpulan teruslah ya. From my experience kali ni, love is really needed. And love is so need to be expressed. Bukan sepanjang masa orang boleh agak-agak dan yakinkan diri yang dia disayangi lebih daripada yang dia tahu. Manusia ni tiada apa yang konsisten. Tetap ada turun naiknya. Jadi tak kiralah sama ada kita tahu atau tak yang someone to struggle untuk rasa disayangi, sama ada dia memang struggle atau tak, I hope we can express our love bolder. Doa dalam diam tu sweet dan memang kuat. Tapi tak salah juga send "I love you" sebiji dekat orang yang kita sayang kan.

Sekian. Itu saja buat post kali ni. See you in next post. Love ya =)



If there is something bugging your mind and heart too long and you've been telling yourself that it's just a small thing too many times, this proves that the thing is not as small as you tell yourself. Maybe it is even bigger than it seems. Validate yourself and let's talk about it.




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