How Do I Look At People

Assalamualaikum...

Night, people! Dah nak tidur ke tu? Well, Farahin pun mengantuk juga ni. Memang akhir-akhir ni tidur awal, bangun awal. Just absolutely not my usual routine haha. But...come on lah. Final exam baru je habis. Thinking I would go to sleep a little bit late today lol. Anyway, I have been thinking about this one thing this few days. How do I look at people? How DID I look at people?

Since the day I still remember, maybe when I was three or four which ayah photographed me using that square sony camera, or maybe when I was five or six when I had this few friends who much older than me, I remember I did not had good impression about people. Not in overall, but most of it.

I thought there was nothing called "friendship" and "friends" when ada beberapa insan ni semudahnya keluar masuk through me like a door. Semalam elok, hari ni tiba-tiba pusing belakang, esok mencari semula. I thought "friendship" and "friends" were synonyms of an act for just simply having fun forsake of oneself.

Lagi pula I felt like there were these eyes that I kept looking at me like I was an abnormal exhibition. They were curious, wondering, but most of them did not even dared to come closer to take a look at this "strange artifact". I hate that little attitude. This did not only started and simply stopped at zaman sekolah rendah, ironinya it kept happening until secondary school, pmr, spm, matriculation, and now I am already in university.

The way people treated me, the way I felt they treated me, their look, their whispers, it was a huge challenge for a child me. I think it also distracted my mental and personality growth. Especially, when I started to doubt myself. "Pelik sangat ke aku ni?". "Teruk ke kalau aku jenis pendiam?". "Buruk ke kalau mata aku sepet macam anak cina?". "Salah ke aku hias rambut ke sekolah?". I slowly started to grow prejudice towards this world and its people. Towards life.

Piece by piece, dari benda yang I can just looked away and pretended to not hear, told myself that orang macam ni tak perlukan perhatian aku, no matter how much I had got used to it, the pain was still there. It healed and it opened again and it healed again and...

Guess, my last puppy love or maybe a first love (?) was the best piece I had yet even that was broken in a way that I think no one should experienced it. And guess that was when everything started to fall into many tiny pieces. And at that moment, I thought to kept all these pieces hidden inside me and build a new character who is positive, open, and approachable were the best solution.

At age 16, I started to grow myself again. I slowly stopped being prejudice about people. Kita semua sama. Manusia semuanya serupa. Mereka pandang aku pelik? Benda biasa. They were just curious. Aku pun macam tu. I stopped hating and blaming people. Yet I reminded myself that, if I have flaws so do they and so there is nothing to complain about. No need to differentiate anyone, we are just human with reactions and emotions.

Life was slowly changing. My life. From matriculation until university today, I had friends or at least acquaintances that would waved and greet me in the middle of way. Even I did not found it was too difficult to meet new people, besides I was just simply nervous and excited. Berbeza dengan zaman kanak-kanak until sekolah. I felt very grateful that people saw me and remembered me even when I was always walking with my head down.

Alhamdulillah. I felt better. All the pain that I had endured since I was very young to understand it, the risks and efforts I made to present myself a bit more to people, finally they saw me and wanted to get to know me. However, there were more than this.

I never forgot those tiny pieces I kept it hidden inside me. I should had knew since I was 15, when I secretly made three little cuts on my left wrist, those pieces were actually started to stab me to destroy me. From feeling sudden changes in mood in a day, to a feeling of worthless and helpless, until a day in a year where I would trembling cold with urge to kill myself or at least to hurt myself.

Lillahi Taala. Hidup ini hanya kerana Allah. Dengan namaMu Ya Allah, aku hidup dan mati. I kept myself clean from any more scars. Cukuplah tiga parut yang semakin mengecil ini. Cukuplah dosa yang paling besar aku pernah buat. Nyawa ini amanah. Tubuh ini amanah. Bukan sebarangan nikmat. Bukan sebarangan pinjaman. Hidup aku tak minta tapi diberi. Begitu juga halnya dengan mati.

I thought I did well. I thought I felt better. I thought I was ready for it when I knew it was about to make another struck last March. Two sleepless nights with resentful cries and suicide thoughts, and the next day I just knew it would struck at anytime. Despite all the experiences, all the begging I asked for mercy from my insane self, all the inside screams calling for Allah, I lost again. Another sin? More like another crime. I know something is changing. Something bad or maybe worst. Something that I could not just simply say "it's okay". Now, I don't question how do I look at people anymore. But how do I look at myself???

Allahu. It's a long long long post again lol.

I'm sorry. See you =)

READ MORE

End of Semester

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're you doing?

Puasa tinggal lima hari je lagi ni haha.

Alhamdulillah. I just done my last paper today.

Dah puas goreng, keluar dewan pula awal sokmo haha.

Though this semester seems the hardest for me to go through,

the most challenges and complicated,

despite all the sleepless night and restless day,

finally it's the end of semester.

Yesterday, I made a call to the hospital.

Thought I could change my first appointment

to this Monday but it was already fulled.

So I decided to cancel it and now thinking about

to make an appointment at the hospital near to my home.

My parents still don't know about this.

Guess I will just let it unknown from them until I done this first appointment.

My condition is good this few days. Much positive than this past 2 months.

But I cannot help to unnecessarily wondering, "is it okay to feel this okay?"

Anyway, greeting to June!

Also, Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin to y'all!

See ya. Bubye =)

READ MORE

A Real Talk With My Parent

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How was your day?

I just went back to my campus yesterday.

I was spending my study week at home for exactly one week.

Yet I still don't do my revision for this wednesday exam lol.

Actually I had my reason for spending my study week at home and that was, to talk.

I have been always an introverted person. Not only with people from outside, but also with my parents. I remember I was a cheerful child back then but as I am growing up until now, I have been quieter and talk less. The main cause is could be because I am the only child. However, I don't think that's the only cause because I have been always aware on changes that happened to myself.

I had been at home starting Friday. It had been weeks I had been feeling anxious and worry on how should I start the talk. Engulfed in guilt and resentment for many nights, I still didn't found myself ready for the moment. This could be like my very first real talk with my parents. However, I finally let my voice out on Saturday night. The start was absolute failure because I was crying hard due to the nervousness and desperateness. Especially, when my mother asked me "Farahin kenapa? Kenapa sedih? Farahin sakit?".

I nodded to her question. Finally, I revealed my long hidden secret. I told them how I have been suffering this overwhelming and uncontrollable emotion of depress for seven years. How I have been feeling about myself since I was still 4 or 5 until now. How I have been seriously improving myself as a person who is more positive, approachable, and open minded. It worked. It worked but by that time I had started to break. My mind had started to slowly lost a part of its function on controlling my emotions. I even showed them my seven years old scars. In my calculation, I might had revealed 70 to 80 percents out of everything.

It was a long real talk. The loudest cry I ever showed to my parents. Out of the nervousness and worry, I cried for their support and help. However, the unexpected expected that I had been unnecessarily thinking about  finally happened. Their respond, their advices, the way they listened to me, somehow I started to feel smaller than I already do. A few responds that were like little cuts from many that I got from them were,

when I told my mother how I was feeling during my suicide thought attack last March

and her early respond was,

"Farahin pernah ada rasa kena rasuk tak? Mungkin masa tu bukan Farahin."

when my father started to share his past hardships and kept rephrasing this sentences,

"Tak ada apalah. Kalau terkilan, tertekan, ayah pun rasa. Tak ada apalah. Ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

I knew they meant well. Their advices were true. But somehow I felt like they could not being empathy toward my situation or they could not even tried to. Even a friend who I just knew about 2 years and still not know many things about me gave better efforts to understand my situation. I was very hurt that night. However, I stayed listening to their stories and pretending laughing to their small jokes for up to two hours before I went to my room and started crying again. The light was off, my eyes were closed, I cried until I fell asleep.

The sadness and loneliness from the talk still got me for another straight three days. I would suddenly started crying or sobbing sometimes. Even when I was enjoying laughing at the drama I was watching, the emptiness would just slipped through me in a few minutes. It won't be a few minutes if it wasn't because I tried to grab my attention and emotion back to the drama. Touch Your Heart was a good drama lol.

There was one night which my father went to my room. I was sleeping, right after maghrib but his voice calling for me from the outside woke me up. He gave a little pat on my resting hand and said, "Tidur saja. Kalau ayah tidur saja, boleh pengsan. Jangan layankan sangat. Bangun. Solat. Ingat Allah." At that time, his words, his actions, his care, it was a little healing to me but still painful. Because I still got this feeling he could not understand or imagine how I was feeling. How every little task was overwhelming and too difficult for me to get it done.

I took his advice, as he is a father and a leader. Even though to get up from bed was hard, I forced myself to take a shower and went for praying Ishak right after that. My first rakaat was bad. This feeling would came at least once a day when I was about to pray. Not very often but it was very painful. It was like "I don't deserve this. This sajadah. This telekung. This wudu'. His blessings. His protection. His everything." However, I knew I had to fight this feeling because I knew He was always here and there for His servant no matter how they look and feel. And so, I ended up sobbing during my first rakaat.

Besides feeling worthless and hopeless accompanied with suicide thought, the hardest part was when I lost feeling and willingness as His servant who deserves His blessing and protection. I kept rephrasing this to my parents during the talk, "Farah bukan tak ingat Allah. Bukan tak ingat Tuhan. Tapi Farah tak ingat diri Farah. Farah tak rasa diri ni berharga, bernilai. Farah tahu Allah selalu ada untuk Farah. Tapi apa yang Farah tahu tak bantu apa yang Farah rasa." Instead of fighting for His blessing and protection like other mukmin, I was fighting desperately for my lost willingness so I would stand as His servant.

I know my situation is hard to be understand. Indeed, no one could. How can rationality understands irrationality, isn't it? Only those with this kind of sick mind would cope with this duality desperately. But to them, to us, efforts are what matter especially from people who we really close and trust. I thought my parents are like the only strongest stick I could use to support me who are now all tired and worn out. Yes, they are. But unexpectedly they are also heavy for me to walk with. Somehow I exhaust myself more to walk them along with me instead of  me trying hard to walk my weak legs.

Until here, I done my long post for tonight.

I know this is more like a toxic post and it is better to be drafted.

However, I need to satisfy my grief.

I had talked to a few friends but the grief still keep coming back sometimes.

So I ended up writing this rant.

Thank you for your time and concern.

See ya =)

Rasulullah s.a.w was depressed for 6 months when he didn't got any messages from Allah. And that was when Dhuha was sent. ='(

READ MORE

Beast

i tried my best

i tried my best to be happy

more sugar in my coffee

invited myself to the party

been in the crowd and acted noisy

i tried my best to live happily

i tried my best

i tried my best yet i'm still feeling like this

what it worths when my best became the worthless

i am speechless, restless, and sleepless

within me there is an ugly beast

my anxiety is her favorite feast

i tried my best

i thought i tried my best to be happy

more sugar in my coffee but i wasn't thirsty

avoided the crowd, canceled the party

now, under the sheet i cry silently

i tried my best to live happily

READ MORE

Gun

hands off, don't touch me

stay away, don't get closer

stay still, don't cross the border

stop, don't pull the trigger

because here is the danger

there is a gun inside my head

pointing at life that I want to protect

I fight, I flinch, yet it still stays intact
like parasite drying the host out
no other way, I get to watch out

back up, keep the distance
I may be a weapon but also a poison
I know I am just broken
can be fix but keep feeling frightened
maybe I'm just not confident

hands off, don' touch me
there is a gun inside my head
fully loaded and I am the target
it's dangerous so turn your back
I pull the trigger, it is just another slack

READ MORE