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Hi! (•◡•)
Welcome to District'15.
I'm the mistress, Farahin.
Jan '96 is my sacred date.
I think and feel too much.
So I write. Feel free to
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The Nonstandard Standard

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 02, 2019 | | 6 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime gif reach hand
Hello, peeps! How's your day?
I've been feeling okay since I woke up this morning.
By the way, I missed my sahur for the first time. ugh
So for today post, I hope it won't be something too personal like most of the previous posts.
I wish to make this one more like words of wisdom or a little unprofessional advice.
Let me just boost this positive vibe of mine after quite awhile.

Everything has its standard. In my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Why would a car has four tires instead of two just like a motorcycle when both are vehicles? Isn't that also to make it more balance and in addition less harmful? Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. Agree? If you're as dumb as me, let's go through the second paragraph lol. Oof! My hands are all sweating right now.

Standard has its good purpose. Not only for things, but also for human. We're all have our own standard. Somehow, even that standard becomes a priority to us. For instance, walking in heels too long can causes my legs in pain so I would wear sneakers if I mean to walk for a long time. Also it is more safe and stable. So that is my standard. My priority. Each person may has different standard, or may not. Because, the first thing first, we're all just simply human. It's undeniable that we're also has something in common. For example, our sadness has its standard to cause our eyes shedding tears or at least a strange little pain in our chest.

Until now, we're aware that standard has its purpose and we're all not that so much different. Okay. I think I'm still doing it good lol. Here comes a little tension. Despite of its good purpose and many commons between us human, we unknowingly have misused it. Standard abuse, if I would name it. Why do we have to keep and use that nonstandard standard? Confused? Let's go through the next paragraph.

We're all born with same system. Though there are some of us who are special, but we're still the same living human. We breathe air. We digest what had be eaten. We think. We react. We feel. And yes, we're all have bad habit of temporarily forgetting things. We forget that there are a few moments which we would foolishly judge ourselves when we think other people foolishly judge us. We forget that standing in front of the class could be so much nerve wrecking that we could end up crying instead of presenting our name. We forget that what we do to other people is just as similar as what other people did to us. And then, we start to grow this simple powerful phrase "standard lah tu."

Excuse for my next line because it could be quite personal. After all, I just can't help it lol. I shared with a friend of how was I feeling when a nurse I met while I was going to make my very first appointment with a psychologist told me "anxiety je kot" right to my face when that moment I was all confused, anxious, and scared. Thankful to my half sane mind that I still could rationalized myself "Okey. Mungkin dia dah biasa hadap patient jadi tak ada yang aneh atau luar biasa bagi dia." Yet I still had this part of my mind "mungkin aku boleh rasional. tapi berapa orang yang trigger dengan statement yang clumsy macam tu?" I was crying right after I was home, trying to fight this inferiority thinking maybe I was just overreacted or misunderstood what she tried to deliver. And this friend of mine gave that respond, "Standard lah tu."

Image result for surah al araf verse 23 07 quote
Dear, friends. It is not about "she's sick so we've to be careful." It's about be caring. It supposed to be "be careful so she won't get hurt." Don't we all love this proverb, "an apple a day, keep the doctor away." Yes, we're all have our standard. But we're wrong about standard has its good purpose. There are some standards that are just simply unnecessary such as paying attention to people who you actually don't want to pay attention to, badmouthing people who you never even talk to, and judging even when you still don't go through the right process of getting to know. It's indeed personal to me, but I also concern about those who are going through the same thing as what I had went through and I'm sure there are more who are now affected by this nonstandard standard of us.

I know we can't stop a person from feeling nervous or overthinking. But what we can do is kindness. Make it less than it is. Less hurt. Less painful. So it is faster to heal. Last night I had encountered many heartbreaking posts from a few blogs just only in 2-3 hours. They were all feeling down, confused, anxious, and have been crying often. I may not know what they are going through but because we're all human and supposed we're all just can relate to those feelings and emotions, thus I really hope those who are having difficult time with themselves would get better and fully heal. To be honest, I just don't want there are more as broken as me. Thinking about it is just terrifying. Either they are just simply temporarily feeling of sadness or it has been like forever, I am just concern.

Repeat after my dumb definition, standard is what makes something becomes balance or stable as well as useful and beneficial. Somehow, standard is also a kind of precautions mean for safety. So, please. Please don't hurt any more people. Allah tak campak Adam a.s dan Hawa ke bumi supaya cucu ciciknya saling menyakiti. Ini adalah penjara yang disiapkan istimewa untuk kita semua. Di sini kita tak semata-matanya menunggu hari penghukuman. Di sini kita boleh tebus salah kita right on time dan inshaallah mungkin kurang satu hukuman. Di sini kita tidak sendiri. Sedangkan Allah tetap pertemukan Adam a.s dan Hawa semula walaupun telah dipisah jauh ke dua tempat yang berbeza.

Until here, I put an end of this post.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See you =)






let go the past, forget about the future, and live the present.
at least for today, let's be happy once again.






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How Do I Look At People

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 02, 2019 | | 2 comments:
Assalamualaikum...
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Night, people! Dah nak tidur ke tu? Well, Farahin pun mengantuk juga ni. Memang akhir-akhir ni tidur awal, bangun awal. Just absolutely not my usual routine haha. But...come on lah. Final exam baru je habis. Thinking I would go to sleep a little bit late today lol. Anyway, I have been thinking about this one thing this few days. How do I look at people? How DID I look at people?

Since the day I still remember, maybe when I was three or four which ayah photographed me using that square sony camera, or maybe when I was five or six when I had this few friends who much older than me, I remember I did not had good impression about people. Not in overall, but most of it.

I thought there was nothing called "friendship" and "friends" when ada beberapa insan ni semudahnya keluar masuk through me like a door. Semalam elok, hari ni tiba-tiba pusing belakang, esok mencari semula. I thought "friendship" and "friends" were synonyms of an act for just simply having fun forsake of oneself.

Lagi pula I felt like there were these eyes that I kept looking at me like I was an abnormal exhibition. They were curious, wondering, but most of them did not even dared to come closer to take a look at this "strange artifact". I hate that little attitude. This did not only started and simply stopped at zaman sekolah rendah, ironinya it kept happening until secondary school, pmr, spm, matriculation, and now I am already in university.

The way people treated me, the way I felt they treated me, their look, their whispers, it was a huge challenge for a child me. I think it also distracted my mental and personality growth. Especially, when I started to doubt myself. "Pelik sangat ke aku ni?". "Teruk ke kalau aku jenis pendiam?". "Buruk ke kalau mata aku sepet macam anak cina?". "Salah ke aku hias rambut ke sekolah?". I slowly started to grow prejudice towards this world and its people. Towards life.

Piece by piece, dari benda yang I can just looked away and pretended to not hear, told myself that orang macam ni tak perlukan perhatian aku, no matter how much I had got used to it, the pain was still there. It healed and it opened again and it healed again and...

Guess, my last puppy love or maybe a first love (?) was the best piece I had yet even that was broken in a way that I think no one should experienced it. And guess that was when everything started to fall into many tiny pieces. And at that moment, I thought to kept all these pieces hidden inside me and build a new character who is positive, open, and approachable were the best solution.

At age 16, I started to grow myself again. I slowly stopped being prejudice about people. Kita semua sama. Manusia semuanya serupa. Mereka pandang aku pelik? Benda biasa. They were just curious. Aku pun macam tu. I stopped hating and blaming people. Yet I reminded myself that, if I have flaws so do they and so there is nothing to complain about. No need to differentiate anyone, we are just human with reactions and emotions.

Life was slowly changing. My life. From matriculation until university today, I had friends or at least acquaintances that would waved and greet me in the middle of way. Even I did not found it was too difficult to meet new people, besides I was just simply nervous and excited. Berbeza dengan zaman kanak-kanak until sekolah. I felt very grateful that people saw me and remembered me even when I was always walking with my head down.

Alhamdulillah. I felt better. All the pain that I had endured since I was very young to understand it, the risks and efforts I made to present myself a bit more to people, finally they saw me and wanted to get to know me. However, there were more than this.

I never forgot those tiny pieces I kept it hidden inside me. I should had knew since I was 15, when I secretly made three little cuts on my left wrist, those pieces were actually started to stab me to destroy me. From feeling sudden changes in mood in a day, to a feeling of worthless and helpless, until a day in a year where I would trembling cold with urge to kill myself or at least to hurt myself.

Lillahi Taala. Hidup ini hanya kerana Allah. Dengan namaMu Ya Allah, aku hidup dan mati. I kept myself clean from any more scars. Cukuplah tiga parut yang semakin mengecil ini. Cukuplah dosa yang paling besar aku pernah buat. Nyawa ini amanah. Tubuh ini amanah. Bukan sebarangan nikmat. Bukan sebarangan pinjaman. Hidup aku tak minta tapi diberi. Begitu juga halnya dengan mati.

I thought I did well. I thought I felt better. I thought I was ready for it when I knew it was about to make another struck last March. Two sleepless nights with resentful cries and suicide thoughts, and the next day I just knew it would struck at anytime. Despite all the experiences, all the begging I asked for mercy from my insane self, all the inside screams calling for Allah, I lost again. Another sin? More like another crime. I know something is changing. Something bad or maybe worst. Something that I could not just simply say "it's okay". Now, I don't question how do I look at people anymore. But how do I look at myself???


Allahu. It's a long long long post again lol.
I'm sorry. See you =)








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End of Semester

Posted by ELFarahin | On June 01, 2019 | | No comments:
Assalamualaikum...
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Hello, peeps! How're you doing?
Puasa tinggal lima hari je lagi ni haha.

Alhamdulillah. I just done my last paper today.
Dah puas goreng, keluar dewan pula awal sokmo haha.
Though this semester seems the hardest for me to go through,
the most challenges and complicated,
despite all the sleepless night and restless day,
finally it's the end of semester.

Yesterday, I made a call to the hospital.
Thought I could change my first appointment
to this Monday but it was already fulled.
So I decided to cancel it and now thinking about
to make an appointment at the hospital near to my home.
My parents still don't know about this.
Guess I will just let it unknown from them until I done this first appointment.
My condition is good this few days. Much positive than this past 2 months.
But I cannot help to unnecessarily wondering, "is it okay to feel this okay?"

Anyway, greeting to June!
Also, Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin to y'all!
See ya. Bubye =)











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A Real Talk With My Parent

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 27, 2019 | | No comments:
Assalamualaikum...
Image result for surah dhuha translation english quote
Hello, peeps! How was your day?
I just went back to my campus yesterday.
I was spending my study week at home for exactly one week.
Yet I still don't do my revision for this wednesday exam lol.
Actually I had my reason for spending my study week at home and that was, to talk.

I have been always an introverted person. Not only with people from outside, but also with my parents. I remember I was a cheerful child back then but as I am growing up until now, I have been quieter and talk less. The main cause is could be because I am the only child. However, I don't think that's the only cause because I have been always aware on changes that happened to myself.

I had been at home starting Friday. It had been weeks I had been feeling anxious and worry on how should I start the talk. Engulfed in guilt and resentment for many nights, I still didn't found myself ready for the moment. This could be like my very first real talk with my parents. However, I finally let my voice out on Saturday night. The start was absolute failure because I was crying hard due to the nervousness and desperateness. Especially, when my mother asked me "Farahin kenapa? Kenapa sedih? Farahin sakit?".

I nodded to her question. Finally, I revealed my long hidden secret. I told them how I have been suffering this overwhelming and uncontrollable emotion of depress for seven years. How I have been feeling about myself since I was still 4 or 5 until now. How I have been seriously improving myself as a person who is more positive, approachable, and open minded. It worked. It worked but by that time I had started to break. My mind had started to slowly lost a part of its function on controlling my emotions. I even showed them my seven years old scars. In my calculation, I might had revealed 70 to 80 percents out of everything.

It was a long real talk. The loudest cry I ever showed to my parents. Out of the nervousness and worry, I cried for their support and help. However, the unexpected expected that I had been unnecessarily thinking about  finally happened. Their respond, their advices, the way they listened to me, somehow I started to feel smaller than I already do. A few responds that were like little cuts from many that I got from them were,

when I told my mother how I was feeling during my suicide thought attack last March
and her early respond was,
"Farahin pernah ada rasa kena rasuk tak? Mungkin masa tu bukan Farahin."

when my father started to share his past hardships and kept rephrasing this sentences,
"Tak ada apalah. Kalau terkilan, tertekan, ayah pun rasa. Tak ada apalah. Ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

I knew they meant well. Their advices were true. But somehow I felt like they could not being empathy toward my situation or they could not even tried to. Even a friend who I just knew about 2 years and still not know many things about me gave better efforts to understand my situation. I was very hurt that night. However, I stayed listening to their stories and pretending laughing to their small jokes for up to two hours before I went to my room and started crying again. The light was off, my eyes were closed, I cried until I fell asleep.

The sadness and loneliness from the talk still got me for another straight three days. I would suddenly started crying or sobbing sometimes. Even when I was enjoying laughing at the drama I was watching, the emptiness would just slipped through me in a few minutes. It won't be a few minutes if it wasn't because I tried to grab my attention and emotion back to the drama. Touch Your Heart was a good drama lol.

There was one night which my father went to my room. I was sleeping, right after maghrib but his voice calling for me from the outside woke me up. He gave a little pat on my resting hand and said, "Tidur saja. Kalau ayah tidur saja, boleh pengsan. Jangan layankan sangat. Bangun. Solat. Ingat Allah." At that time, his words, his actions, his care, it was a little healing to me but still painful. Because I still got this feeling he could not understand or imagine how I was feeling. How every little task was overwhelming and too difficult for me to get it done.

I took his advice, as he is a father and a leader. Even though to get up from bed was hard, I forced myself to take a shower and went for praying Ishak right after that. My first rakaat was bad. This feeling would came at least once a day when I was about to pray. Not very often but it was very painful. It was like "I don't deserve this. This sajadah. This telekung. This wudu'. His blessings. His protection. His everything." However, I knew I had to fight this feeling because I knew He was always here and there for His servant no matter how they look and feel. And so, I ended up sobbing during my first rakaat.


Besides feeling worthless and hopeless accompanied with suicide thought, the hardest part was when I lost feeling and willingness as His servant who deserves His blessing and protection. I kept rephrasing this to my parents during the talk, "Farah bukan tak ingat Allah. Bukan tak ingat Tuhan. Tapi Farah tak ingat diri Farah. Farah tak rasa diri ni berharga, bernilai. Farah tahu Allah selalu ada untuk Farah. Tapi apa yang Farah tahu tak bantu apa yang Farah rasa." Instead of fighting for His blessing and protection like other mukmin, I was fighting desperately for my lost willingness so I would stand as His servant.

I know my situation is hard to be understand. Indeed, no one could. How can rationality understands irrationality, isn't it? Only those with this kind of sick mind would cope with this duality desperately. But to them, to us, efforts are what matter especially from people who we really close and trust. I thought my parents are like the only strongest stick I could use to support me who are now all tired and worn out. Yes, they are. But unexpectedly they are also heavy for me to walk with. Somehow I exhaust myself more to walk them along with me instead of  me trying hard to walk my weak legs.

Until here, I done my long post for tonight.
I know this is more like a toxic post and it is better to be drafted.
However, I need to satisfy my grief.
I had talked to a few friends but the grief still keep coming back sometimes.
So I ended up writing this rant.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See ya =)






Rasulullah s.a.w was depressed for 6 months when he didn't got any messages from Allah. And that was when Dhuha was sent. ='(




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Beast

Posted by ELFarahin | On May 14, 2019 | | 5 comments:
Image result for butterfly anime gif black white
i tried my best
i tried my best to be happy
more sugar in my coffee
invited myself to the party
been in the crowd and acted noisy
i tried my best to live happily

i tried my best
i tried my best yet i'm still feeling like this
what it worths when my best became the worthless
i am speechless, restless, and sleepless
within me there is an ugly beast
my anxiety is her favorite feast

i tried my best
i thought i tried my best to be happy
more sugar in my coffee but i wasn't thirsty
avoided the crowd, canceled the party
now, under the sheet i cry silently
i tried my best to live happily
















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