Be Patient With Patient

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Long time no see y'all.

How're you doing?

September had long gone and I'm still not saying my goodbye. I'm even very very very late to greet the October now. Anyway, night all! I'm here again after almost a month went silent. I'm having upset stomach right now. Guess it's because I was late for my dinner again. Yesterday I had it late too and it was quite unhealthy because I only had instant cup noodle. I even had bad routine yesterday by sleeping all day long right after my no-rice-lunch-but-only-biscuits-and-bread lol.

I'm supposed to proceed making progress on my final year project right now but I don't feel like to do it anyway. Even though I had it planned this afternoon after crying out of feeling anxious, thinking that I'm still don't have satisfying progress to be updated to my supervisor. I had informed him last week during our first meeting after a month the semester started, "I'll do have progress but it will be slow (like slowest ever)." I texted him while crying and he let me proceed with the system first and don't worry about the documents/reports yet. He is such a nice person. Too nice that I could not help to not feeling guilty and ashamed. He had helped me a lot since two last semesters. Again, he is indeed very nice and patient.

Patience. That's what I need the most right now. Not only from people around me, but also from myself. I have been on medication for 2 months and a half now. And my pill had changed from sertraline to venlafaxine. I love to call it Venus hehe. I'm also came out a name for sertraline -- Saturn. Cute, isn't it? I'm now on my second week with Venus. This pill causes sleepiness but I don't think it's working to make me go to sleep right after taking it. Well, maybe my body as well as my brain ares till working to get used to it.

I'm already transferred to HTAA, Kuantan. Last wednesday was my second appointment. The doctor was nice and I always love the discussion we had. Of course, I'm not the type of patient who only listen. I love asking, getting advices, giving opinions, and sharing mutual decisions or conclusions. No mention easily triggered and crying in front the doctor lol. She was just skillful at doing those politely and I don't hate it at all. The most important is, not only the doctor but also nurses were highly patient. It could be because they were trained and are working for psychiatry. Yet again, I don't hate it at all.

This mid semester break I'll go back home. Well, actually I was asked to. There is something need to be done at home. My father had asked my confirmation for twice. He also told me that he met a imam and asked him regarding my mental illness. I was frustrated as soon as I was told. Last July, only in a week after I started my medication, he took me for ruqyah without any discussion. And here he met some other imam 2 months after. I'm far from misunderstanding his love and concern. But what's putting me into discomfort here is how he seems make my voice and opinions invalid. Shortly, he's been impatient. I understand why but I won't let it pass if this continued.

This is another example of stigma. It's not always come in harshness way but also in politeness. It has been difficult for me trying to break my own stigma toward my own mental illness and be more patient with myself than years before. But when these closest people keep pushing me like I don't make any effort or improvement, I feel disregarded and invalidated. I do need solid support as well as advice sometimes. And along with those, I'm also need patience.

From perspective of a healthy person, I'm now not in my good condition as good as 3 to 4 years ago. My movements and progresses are at their slowest pace ever. I'm ill and just start taking treatment. While from perspective of a ungealthy person, I'm doing my best. I'm already hit my limit and I need some more rest. I make efforts but most of them happens and done in my brain as well as my body. As my final line of this late night post, be patient with patient.

Thank you for your time and concern.

Have a good rest and good night!

See you. Bubye =)

Everything is subjective. It is all depend on one's perspective.
Be creative. Be imaginative.

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Luka Sikit Je

Assalamualaikum...

Greeting y'all! How're you today?

Dah dinner? Ke dah nak masuk tidur?

Or maybe still working?

Apapun, have a good rest!

Haa suspen tak tajuk tu? hehe. Ya. Farahin terluka. Luka sikit je. Dalam bulan ni je dah tiga kali Farahin terluka. Semua luka jadi dekat tangan kanan haha. Satu dekat ibu jari. Lepas tu jari hantu. Hari ni dekat tapak tangan pula. Yang ibu jari sebab tersepit dengan pemegang baldi. Maklum ibu jari gemuk. Jari hantu tu terkena pisau masa tengah belah ubat. Farahin kena makan sebiji setengah jadi hampir setiap malam kena main belah-membelah. Memang tak boleh blah hahahaha. Yang hari ni pula sebab tolong housemate pecah pintu bilik dia yang termangga dari luar. Beriya mengetuk sampai tak terasa tapak tangan terhiris. Tahu-tahu je pedih huhu.

Tiga kali luka, tiga kali juga Farahin menangis dalam bulan ni. Farahin tak rasa ianya perkara buruk. Even Farahin bukan jenis cengeng and orang memang biasa nampak Farahin cool and cold, I've learned that crying is one of the best way for me to express myself. Farahin susah nak open dengan orang. Susah nak meluah perasaan. Selagi boleh simpan Farahin simpan. So crying is quite helpful. Panik juga roommate masa dengar Farahin menangis beriya dua malam lepas haha. Sejam jugalah Farahin menangis. Bangun pagi, mata bengkak hahahahaha.

Bila nampak tangan luka pagi ni. Farahin terfikir, mungkin ini juga cara Allah beritahu yang dia sayangkan Farahin. Allah Maha Tahu betapa Farahin nak cederakan diri. Dan Allah Maha Tahu betapa peritnya Farahin cuba pertahankan logik dan hukum agama yang cederakan diri itu haram dan besar dosanya. Allah Maha Tahu betapa hina dan kejinya diri ni rasa setiap kali perasaan tu datang. Jadi mungkin Allah datangkan luka-luka kecil ini ibarat menyatakan, "Kalau rasa sakit yang engkau mahukan, aku berikan. Tapi tetapkan terus hidup."

Luka sikit je. Tapi efek dia agak menyusahkan. Nak pegang gayung susah. Nak pulas tombol pintu susah. Nak ambil wuduk kasi gosok-gosok sikit anggota tu pun susah. Luka sikit je tapi banyak perkara yang jadi terganggu atau kurang selesa untuk dikerjakan. Ini luka fizikal. Sikit je dah ada dugaannya. Apatah lagi luka emosi dan mental? Luka fizikal kita nampak. Mudah nak rawat macam mana sebab kita boleh agak sedalam dan sebesar mana. Walaupun sikit je, tetap kita rawat dan kawal pergerakan. Paling comel kita bagi tiup-tiup gitu. Memang itu refleks kita sebagai manusia kepada luka dan rasa sakit.

Tapi kenapa luka mental kita endahkan? Adakah cuma sebab ianya tak terlihat? Tapi bukankah sakitnya kita rasa? Kenapa kita buat-buat tak ada apa-apa dan biarkan hanya dengan alasan "tak apa. aku okey." lepas tu terus tutup buku. Kita tak tengok pun. Tak kasi tiup-tiup manja pun. Kata fikir selagi boleh tahan, kita tahan. Ibarat kaki tu kalau tercucuk duri kecil, selagi boleh jalan kita bawa berjalan. Rasanya apa jadi dekat kaki tu nanti? Sakit tetap sakit. Boleh jadi jangkitan kuman. Boleh jadi duri tu lama-lama merayap dalam salur darah dan terus je jantung. Kalau dah sampai jantung, cerita dia bukan luka dah. Maut.

Farahin tak kata kita perlu terlalu emosi. Hakikatnya, tiada istilah ini dalam kamus individu. Setiap orang ada tahap ketahanan masing-masing. Yang kecil bagi kita mungkin besar bagi orang lain. Yang seronok bagi kita mungkin tidak bagi mereka. Memang susah nak jadi seorang yang memahami. Hakikatnya juga kita cuma manusia yang terbatas pengetahuannya. Tapi kita boleh tunjukkan hormat. Hormat dengan pilihan seseorang. Hormat dengan keputusan seseorang. Hormat dengan perasaan seseorang. Hormat tak bermakna kita menerima atau setuju bulat-bulat dengan seseorang itu. Tapi kita hormat lumrah dunia yang setiap dari kita ada perbezaan dan keunikkannya. Serupa macam DNA. Malah peratus paling tinggi DNA yang ada keserasian adalah 99.99%. Tiada yang 100%. Tiada yang sempurna di dunia ini.

Okeylah. Dah nak 8.30 malam. Farahin kena dinner lepas tu makan ubat. Ishak pula. Kalau rajin, mungkin Farahin akan sambung certain tasks from university. Kalau tak, Farahin terus je landing atas katil hahahaha. Until here, I put the end of this post. Take care and goodnight! See you later. Bubye =)

Take care of your mental health just like you take care of your physical health

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That Was How I Became His Follower

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Morning! Wait...it is still morning, right?

Since Farahin mula makan ubat, one of the good and new things are

Farahin mudah tidur dan bangun. But there were still times

I didn't want to leave the bed lol.

Anyway, how are you today? Working? Having class?

All the best in whatever you're doing right now.

Not anyone can make effort as much as you do.

Okay. Enough with my sweet greeting. Let's get to the point! But first, do read the title please. Nevermind if you don't want to sebab I'll rephrase it here again. Today post is gonna be about how I became someone (his) follower. His tu siapa? Well, let's get to the new line. Or...paragraph? haha

It was right after or maybe later when a male friend suddenly cut our connection. I thought we were friends enough to trust and help each other. Yet his last message was, "Maaf, Ain. Sampai sini je lah kita kawan ya." And it was too sudden and too bland. Duh! It seemed he had problem with our other female friend who also my best friend yet he cut me off too? Seriously I still don't get his logic until now.

Later, I figured out he even cut us both from socmed. I was curious if he even blocked us so I searched for him on ig. The dumb part was I didn't even remember his username and even the right spelling of his name lmao. So I just randomly typed it down and searched. Then, I found this one account which seemed like his. It was private so I could not find way to confirm. Just simply hit the follow button. Thought I would confirm the account later.

After the account owner approved me as his follower, I came to know that he wasn't the one I was looking for. However, there was something about this account owner that caught my deep attention. He is a schizophrenia patient.

Since then, I had became his follower. Sometimes I do check on his profile. He is just an ordinary married guy who is still young. But I like his open vibe sharing about his illness. There were times I seemed could sense his depressed vibe. And of course, not all the times. He is still a lively person as far as I see.

Now thinking it back on how I accidentally became a schizophrenia patient's ig follower, something told me that it wasn't just that. This also could be a sign of love from Allah. Telling me, comforting me, loving me, reminding me, that I'm not alone.

Of course, his illness is far worst than mine and he has been on medication for years even done with ECT. But he somehow played a part of encouraging me that what worst is worst. No need to compare our situation with others. It is either a matter of you still can handle it by yourself or it's time to get the help. I think it has been 1 to 2 years I'm following him. Looking forward to his better day after many many many efforts.

Until here, I end this today post.

See you later. Bubye =)

You have your right and it may be different from others and that is alright.

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Invalid Stigma

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, people! Apa khabar semuanya?

Malam semakin kelam, dah bentang tilam? haha

Right now Farahin tengah berkelah depan bilik.

Sekali mengetest wifi baru hihi.

Lupa nak update dekat previous post. Ceh! Acah je. Actually, I wasn't in mood nak sembang panjang. But tonight, maybe I can make it. Maybe lah. Jadi this semester Farahin tak stay asrama. First time ever duduk luar kampus. Rumah kedai je ni ha. First time juga naik bas seorang pergi kampus. Sempat naik je sebab balik tu ada kawan murah hati nak tumpangkan kereta dia. Kite onnnnn je!

Last night, I had my september second cry. I was having my anxiety bedtime. Jantung degup laju, nafas pendek, rasa mengah, fikiran serabut and my body could feel the tension. Sejam pejam mata but still tak tidur. Tekak pun dah kering berzikir. Jadi Farahin usha whatsapp. Saje kacau bestie pukul 2.00 pagi. Rupanya dia pun belum tidur sebab menahan sakit perut. And so we begun our pillow talk.

About 10 minutes later, dah melawak mengadu domba semua mata Farahin suddenly basah. I started to cry. Mula-mula sikit je but then I lost the control. Bangun, duduk, and so I cried as much as myself wanted to sambil istighfar. I could not tell it in this few days but last night, I realized, I could tell that I was overwhelmed.

I had extreme fear and very low confident for this semester. And still I am. About things. My final year project yang Farahin belum mula buat lagi pun. About this new environment and routine. Dengan masalah air dekat rumah ni. And then I'm kind of become a negotiator between tuan rumah and penyewa. The responsibility, the feel of feeling having responsibility, the feel of having responsibility, those had putted me into pressure but I think I was spontaneously numbed it all.

Bangun pagi tadi Farahin memang rasa lesu. Bila dapat whatsapp tuan rumah minta update pasal air, lembik lah juga diri ni nak pergi tengok air tu. Penatnya lain macam. Buat teringat dekat latihan kawad kaki untuk tauliah sispa tahun lepas haha. Tengah hari pula memang tidur saja. Itupun susah sebab badan memang panat sampai tahap rasa restless and same goes with selera makan. But malam ni, right now I'm a little bit okay but still tired.

Eh! Panjang melalut pasal semalam rasa macam lari tajuk pula. Farahin ada juga share dengan housemates about my depression. I like the feeling how calm I was when I told them about it. I wasn't like that a few months ago. Masih nervous dan bimbang but I think I'm already start to get a hold of it a little bit. Alhamdulillah. I like how I'm trying not to be prejudice toward myself and working on breaking the stigma dalam masyarakat kita. At least, around me. I'm taking advantage on my attitude of being open minded and my new lesson in keep my thoughts and emotions valid whatever they look or feel like.

Until here, I put the end of this tonight post.

Have a good rest everyone and good night!

See you. Bubye =)

Feel whatever you are feeling. That is what it does. It is okay.

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New (Extended) Semester

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! Apa khabar semuanya?

Ohmyy dah sebulan tak buka laptop, tak usha blog.

I'm kinda feeling awkward right now.

Ingat bila jarang menulis je jari rasa keras.

Rupanya tak main tekan-tekan keyboard pun boleh buat jari rasa keras haha.

Nasib baik laptop hidup lagi lol. Alhamdulillah

Hari ni bermulanya new semester. As for me, it's my 5th year then. Generally, I'm feeling nervous and excited. But deeply, I'm feeling anxious and burden. Not sure either to think about it or not but I end up spontaneously numb it all because that's what I used to do. I'm still trying to change this bad habit though but it's not as easy as it's spoken.

Obviously, I had skipped my August blogging moment lol. Jadi meh Farahin update sikit what had happened last month. Hujung bulan July, I finally started to bring myself to the psychiatry. Masa buat pemeriksaan blood pressure, my bp was high. Medical assistant gelabah. Doktor yang Farahin jumpa dekat klinik pesakit luar pun serang Farahin dengan soalan-soalan yang lebih menggelabahkan. Later, jumpa doktor psikiatri baru chill. She was such a soft spoken person.

I already made three appointments. Bermakna dah sebulan juga Farahin makan ubat. Tapi sebab I had to come back to university, jadi Farahin kena transfer hospital. Surat doktor ada je duduk diam dalam fail. Tak tahu lagi bila nak pergi hospital sini. Baki ubat pun tahan dalam 2 minggu je. Maybe esok atau lusa hehe.

Now I'm writing it down, I'm kinda feeling heavy. I'm indeed feeling anxious about this semester. Farahin dah tak ada kelas. Cuma have to work on final year project and get prepare for practical on next semester. But those are a lot to me hiks. Bismillah. Moga Allah permudahkan semuanya.

Until here, I wish you good luck in anything you're doing right now!

See you later. Bubye =)

It's okay. It's just a feeling. All you have to do is to feel and breath.

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