ELFiction : Way Home (Part 3)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

A few minutes later, the bus arrived and I departed from the bus stop. I had my usual seat where it used to be empty. My journey back to home was still as nervous as always. Just like the dark cloud which finally poured out the rain. It was heavy and cold. The rain and also this feeling that kept pressing on my chest like a huge rock.

I started to reminisce some memories from my childhood. It started with something good but as I went deeper of why it was good, I found the reason was because there was something bad before that and the flashback just stopped there. I was trapped inside that old memories and hurtful emotions. One of those memories was the day I had picnic with my family by the river and I drowned myself because I tried to approach some children who was playing at the deeper side when I did not even knew how to swim. It was sad and lonely that even in the end I can’t got close to them.

“Can I sit here?” I was distracted by a familiar voice.

“Sure.”

Yesung sat beside me. His hair and school uniform that he wore were all soaked. I did not knew he would be at this stop or was it because I used to take the late one so we never met before. What a strange day. But it was still suffocating as always.

“You look dry. Where are you from?” Yesung asked.

“School.” I answered.

“Strange. Why am I the only is soaked by the rain here? We’re in the same school uniform though. Is it my unlucky day?” Yesung was mumbling to himself and I did not had intention to interrupt. “Wait. Are you in your way home?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Then, why do we never meet before?”

I let his question unanswered. I had lost my mood to make a conversation. It felt like I had talked quite a lot since I walked with Sungmin and met Kangin back then. It was a struggle but I tried to keep it on but now I just wanted to feel the way I feel and stopped pretending. I knew it was wrong to make Yesung as the victim but I did not had any second thought.

“Do you hate me or something?” I fixed my eyes toward him. Waiting for the next line. “I know you don’t talk to people much. I just thinking if you have other reasons for being quiet. Don’t you?”

I did not why, I did not even how or when, but right now I did felt hate. I hate that he was thinking of my reasons for being quiet. I hate his question that make me felt like I was being read. I hate wondering if he was just simply tried to find topic of a conversation or actually curious for my answer.

“Okay. Let’s do it this way. I’ll tell you three things I like and I dislike and you’ll do the same.” He suggested. “Okay. Firstly, I like watching movie alone. Your turn.” He forced me with an excited face he showed to me.

“Music.”

“Okay. Secondly, I like coffee.” He gave me the same look again.

“Ice cream.”

“Cool. Last one. I like wearing white.”

“Black.”

“Cool. It’s working. Okay. Now is three things we dislike. You first.” He pointed at me and I cannot help to not giving him an annoyed face.

I sighed.

“I hate…morning.”

“Okay. I dislike height.”

I gave a hard thought even though I did not intended to do so.

“Come on. You can do it. The second one.” He pushed me.

“…Perfume.”

“Oh, really? Okay. I dislike…rain. I’m all wet now though.” He complained.

I took a breath, wishing this would be the last line of this unnecessary conversation.

“I hate…” Me. That was what I thought. “…coffee.”

“I see. Alright. We’re almost done. I dislike secrets.” I looked at him with full attention. Yes. I was curious about this last point. “I don’t know how should I describe this but secrets make me feel curious to the point I will start to feel anxious or insecure about it. So…I hate it. Besides, I’m not the type to keep secrets too much. There must be at least one person I would let my secrets are known.”

I see. He was just someone who was straightforward in both words and actions. He knew very clear what and how he was feeling and tried to overcome it or just kept it under control. He was opened and ready to do so for anyone. I was quite offended.

“See. It was not so hard to be open. Now I know six things about you. It does not has to be something big or heavy. Some little things are actually meaningful too. Not only to you but also to the person who you tell to. I hope you can be more open to people around you. I’m not saying it’s bad to be introverted. Just so you know, there are more people who want to know you. Maybe there are more who want to hold and support you. Who knows, right?”

He make me all speechless. Why and how this unnecessary conversation suddenly turned out to be some serious talk? Or was it just me being serious and overreacted? Of all people I knew, why it felt like this one classmate that I never talked to seemed knew things that I really wanted to hear? It felt like I was being scolded and comforted at the same time. I just wanted to hide myself right now and start crying.

“If you can’t put it into words, you can just show it through actions. Like…crying?”

The bus stopped at its third stop. There were a few people went in but I did not really wanted to pay attention to them though. I kept my face facing the window and only saw everything through the reflection. I even saw Yesung putted on his bag and started standing.

“This is my stop. It’s a well going conversation. See you, tomorrow.” He said and leaved.

To be continued...

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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 2)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

The classroom was now empty and quiet. All chats and jokes were disappeared and there were no more noises heard. It was indeed an upside down when everyone was here. Some make me felt disgusted with their unnecessary gossips and slanders. Some make felt angry with their clumsy actions too, both verbal and nonverbal. Some also make me felt had fun listening to their stupid jokes and gags even though I was not actually laughing. How can two situations be so much different? Being alone, I started to feel disgust, angry, and funny towards myself. Neither now nor before made me felt good. But right now, I just felt worst.

I was lonely.

“Are you not going to home yet?” Sungmin shocked me. I thought he already leaved along with others. He had been absent from a few classes today. Must be meeting his girlfriend from the other class. Just what I thought.

“I’m still packing.” I lied. I wished I did not had to leave. I wished I did not had to go back home. Because there was nothing for me at home excepted my bed and pillow to keep me accompany anytime I felt like to cry especially at night. It was very exhausting and terrifying when you had no control on your very own emotion. At least, outside here I can handled putting on poker face and created some white lies.

“Do you want to leave together?” Sungmin invited me, too sudden.

I only can kept staring at him with a blank mind and flattered heart. As someone who already had a girlfriend, should not he supposed to say that to his girlfriend? Then, why me?

“What are you looking at? Quick. We have to catch the bus.” He insisted and I just did not thinking to reject. I started packing my things for real while he was waiting.

Unexpectedly, I did leaved the classroom along with Sungmin and this was our very first time walking side by side. We did not even talked much to each other in the class. Maybe he was indeed friendly and polite to everyone but I was always being quiet and less talking. We were absolutely an example of contradiction. The best example, I thought.

“Have you always being this quiet?” Sungmin asked.

“Err…I think so.” I answered his sudden question with a few seconds of hesitation.

Sungmin nodded silently while a few steps of ours had passed.

“Is that okay? I mean…don’t you have anything to talk about? Maybe about something you think or feel? Everyone does, right.” Sungmin looked into my eyes, waiting for my answer and I cannot help to not feel nervous. I considered to answer his question as diligent as it was asked but my second thought prevented me to do so.

“Well…guess it’s just the way I am.”

“You’re still not answering me.” Sungmin insisted and I started biting my lips. Why this question was very hard? Why it was hard to be honest and true? Why I make this hard for myself?

“Wait. Are you getting caught by me for cheating?”

We stopped in the middle of the way. Yes. We were caught by Sungmin’s girlfriend. But cheating was not the right situation. We were not even close classmates. If I had to describe, maybe we were more like two strangers walking the same path.

“Of course not. I can never dare. This is my classmate.” Said Sungmin, calm and caring. I could saw he was an ideal man for boyfriend material or maybe someday a husband material. Lucky girl. I envied.

“Okay. You have to pay for this. Buy me something I like.” She teased while wrapping her hands around Sungmin’s hand. They really looked like a good match. Just if I could had a sweet relationship like them. However I remembered, “if” was not even supposed to be asked here. I just can’t.

“Okay. Alright. Anything for you.” Said Sungmin. He gave a little pat on her head. “Do you want to go with us?” Sungmin asked me like some old friends even though I did not remembered had one.

“It’s okay. You guys may go. I think I’ll just head straight to home. Bye.” I took my leaved first and went out from the school building.

On my way to the entrance gate, I saw Kangin who was walking out from the field. The school rugby team was still doing their daily training there. Maybe he just went back from seeing them. There was a rumor among students and teachers that he quit the team. However, I did not paid much attention on those kind of talks so it could be I misheard it.

Kangin and I arrived at the gate at the same time and we went to the bus stop across the road. I took a seat at the left side he was at the right side. The gap between us was not really close but I could hear his breathing, maybe from the walking or some activities he did at the field just now.

“You leaved earlier today.” Kangin started a conversation after a few minutes of silence.

I was confused with his sudden conversation and I did expressed it on my ordinary face.

“I used to see you leaved school at least half an hour after the last bell. It’s not like I was stalking you but I was still on the field during that time so…I kept seeing you.”

I putted on a little smile on my face. I can saw and felt that he was awkward to start this conversation but other than that, I thought he just wanted to talk about something.

“I just feel to leaved earlier today. Are not you leaving earlier too? The team is still at the field though.” Amazingly, that was quite a long dialogue I make and it felt like my very first time being this quite friendly.

Kangin putted on a little smile on his face too. I might be wrong but it did not looked like he wanted to do so. His face seemed bitter and his eyes kept looking straight down of nowhere. I guessed I did that too quite often whenever this strange feeling make me felt numb and helpless.

“I’m not in the team anymore. I quit. I’m sure you have heard it.” Kangin looked at me with his tired eyes. Either he had been not sleeping well or he had been crying too often, I thought those eyes just familiar to me.

“I did. But I did not paid attention to it. I thought it was just some unnecessary talk. I don’t mean you’re unnecessary. It’s the talk, that’s what I meant.” I explained as much as I could to make him understand what did I meant.

“I understand. I don’t know you’re this different. Well, I saw you had been quiet and did less interactions with others in the class but…you’re indeed different.” Kangin spitted his words delicately and I knew he meant good. But unfortunately it did not make me felt so.

Different was just different.

At least, to me.

“If it’s not bothering you, why did you quit?” I took my turn to ask a question.

Kangin gave it some a few seconds of thought and I had no intention to wait before but seeing him making that effort make me curious.

“I have an injury at my leg. The doctor advised me to not overwork it or I’ll can never make it work again. So…I decide to just quit.” He answered calmly but I can saw his bitter face and red eyes clearly. I felt bad for asking but I was glad he putted his trust to day it to me. Honest and true. Just why I can’t being this open to anyone? Why I used to hold everything close and deep and make it hard for myself?

“It’s okay. You still can play though. Just don’t be too hard to yourself. Maybe it’s time you enjoy everything you have around you instead of thing that you want.” Brilliant words! Yet why I can’t even utter those to myself?

“What if rugby is my everything?” Here was the difficult question.

“What if you are your everything?” Question for question and I finally saw a calm and peaceful smile from his face and it was contagious that I started to smile too, feeling his little relief that he let go after locked it under his burden pockets.

“Kangin!”

The school rugby team was seen at the entrance game. A few of the members were waving at Kangin and asked him to come towards them. Kangin did leaved his seat and went to them. They were all seemed close to each other and treated Kangin the same. No one would believe that he already quit the team. He was still a part of the family.

To be continued...

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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 1)

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

This fiction is dedicated to those who have been feeling lost and down regarding themselves. It may not much helpful for healing but I just want to let you know that you're not alone even though that's how you're feeling right now. There are people who understand, care, and love you. They could be helpful too. So here is my little gift for you.

Your friend, ELFarahin.

You are that one ordinary high school student who are introverted. You used to be quiet and make less interaction with others yet quite observant. However, recently you have been started to feel something strange about yourself. Something different and evil that even home is not as sweet as home anymore and school has becomes a place where you can put on act very well and be just that ordinary high school student. Of all your days at school, there is a strange day you have quite more interactions with a few classmates than usual and that even happens on your way home.


The weather had been gloomy since morning. The sun was not as bright as yesterday. Even the wind felt a bit colder but still calm and soft. I could felt the air was already humid and getting heavier. The thick and dark cloud also started to cover almost the whole wide sky. It supposed going to rain soon, I thought.

“Are you working on that already? There are two weeks left before the submission though.” Eunhyuk took a seat at the front desk where had been left empty by Donghae. I guessed he went somewhere and forgot about his boy-friend here.

“Eunhyuk. Stop disturbing her. She is not as lazy as you are.” Leeteuk interrupted from his seat which was next to Donghae’s desk.

I fixed my full concentration on my English homework and just ignored those two even though I could hear them loud and clear. Leeteuk was true about Eunhyuk. But I did not did this because I was hardworking or anything more. It was just home was not the right place I can work on it even though it was called as homework. Funny but I could not even laughed about it.

“Eunhyuk!” Donghae called from somewhere a bit far. I guessed he was standing at the door, looking handsome and neat yet still just an idiot.

“Be careful!” Kangin reached his hand closed to my face and caught a ball which had been threw by Donghae. He must had been missed the actual target, Eunhyuk.

“Whoa! That was so closed.” Eunhyuk flinched. Not for me but himself.

“Donghae. That was dangerous. Can’t you see a girl here?” Kangin did a little scolding. He did sound matured and tough. No doubt from someone who used to play rugby.

“Ops! Sorry. It did not hit though.” I saw Donghae putted his both hands together and apologized. I accepted it silently and went back to what I was doing.

“Let’s go, Eunhyuk! Let’s play ball before the next period comes.” Donghae invited and Eunhyuk had no second thought to reject it. He took the ball from Kangin’s hand and went out from the classroom with his beloved boy-friend.

“Make sure you’ll be back before the class starts!” Leeteuk make a quik reminder. He was indeed such a dedicated class monitor.

Time passed but I was not sure how much. While I was only focus on my thing, I did listened to my surrounding too. Kangin was chatting with Leeteuk while helping him organized some important papers from our classroom teacher. There were Shindong and Ryeowook having a significant discussion about cooking and food while Kyuhyun and Yesung were having a sharing moment about their past vacation and traveling things. The most noticeable group was Heechul and Siwon surrounded by girls who enjoyed their overwhelming charms. There were a few students from the next classroom came and joined the group too such as Henry, Zhoumi, and Hangeng. Those trio really elevated the atmosphere with their crazy acts and jokes. It was just me being quite indifferent.

“Safe!”

“Safe!!!!”

Both Eunhyuk and Donghae finally found their way back to the classroom. I thought they were already lost in their fine date. Well, they were not actually dating or having boyfriend thing. But those two were just very close and hardly seen without each other that they were teased of being boyfriends. Anyway, I did not remembered if they ever denied that already.

“You should do it louder. The class is canceled.” Leeteuk said.

“Are you serious?” Eunhyuk sounded surprised and excited.

“Yes!” Donghae cheered with his two fists.

“Teacher said we can leave earlier today. So you guys may leave now if you want.” Leeteuk make a full announcement.

All students became more cheerful and excited. More than half of the class packed their things and leaved earlier. Even the next classroom trio skipped their own class and leaved along with Siwon, Heechul and a group of girls. What a happy and lively group of youths. Maybe it was just me being different and felt like nothing or nowhere was belonged to me.

“See you tomorrow.” Said Leeteuk before he walked out from the classroom. He was the last to leave. And I was the last left. Alone.

To be continued...

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You

think I'm going to bed

and the night is getting late

think you can't make it yet

yet you make it late

and you make me feel sad

you make me feel sad again

think I'll just keep crying

but you just want to keep playing

think you can't make it yet

and you give me that pain

that pain presses on my chest

make me feel chain in despair

and the night is getting late

but you're still not done yet

and you keep making me feel sad

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Melancholic

Assalamualaikum...

Hello, peeps! How're y'all?

Lama sangat dah Farahin tak buat ranting post.

Rasa macam posting poems dah jadi bad habit pula. Sorry.

So, here is a post for you guys to read tonight.

Reminder, this can be so long and time consuming to be read.

Truthfully, this days Farahin tak rasa nak berkomunikasi dengan orang. But I do want to talk about things. About how I'm feeling this days. About how I'm doing. At some point, I feel like I've been pushing people away and keep myself isolated. I feel sorry even though I'm not sure where I did thing wrong. I just feel wrong. So here is the talk. Instead of work my mouth, guess I can work my fingers too.

It was only one week. Cuma seminggu, I slept and ate well. Even tidur lewat sekalipun, pejam mata sekejap je dah tertidur. Rutin makan macam biasa, dua kali sehari. Well, dua kali pun kuantiti tu boleh tahan banyak tapi tak pernah tak habis. But then, maybe starting last wednesday or thursday that feeling came again. I ate less than I used to and my sleep time had changed.

I started to feel wrong about myself. What have I done to this young girl for all this 23 years sampai dia sakit macam ni? Betul ke semuanya mainan fikiran Farahin sendiri? Betul ke no one did wrong to me tapi Farahin yang prejudis? Betul ke semuanya salah Farahin? Sepanjang 23 tahun ni? And then, I just cried my heart out loud. It was so painful and too much confusing until I feel so extremely dumb bila kita sendiri tak tahu dekat mana salahnya. Salah kita atau mereka? Atau at least before this Farahin used to have 50/50 probability. Like halfly mungkin mereka tak sengaja, halfly pula mungkin memang Farahin yang terasa sendiri. But now, I'm not sure anymore.

Selama empat tahun living my life at the campus, inilah first time I feel so desperate nak balik rumah. Bukan sebab homesick. Bukan sebab crazily miss my parent because I know myself yang memang boleh coped distant relationship. Tapi sebab I need support. Like the strongest one ever. This thing that I have been keeping to myself for almost 8 years, Farahin dah tak boleh tanggung seorang. I thought I did well. Be positive, open minded, and approachable instead of living my high maintenance introversion. Yet in the middle of last march, that feeling pushed me to its climax. It wasn't like I never experienced that for all this passing years but this time I lost it. I hurt me. Again. I was completely feeling down for straight 4 weeks after that.

This straight 3 days, Farahin banyak tidur siang. Malam pula, menguaplah sebesar mulut buaya pun, I just can't sleep. Even today, I tried to take my best friend's advice to readjust my sleep time so I woke up earlier than usual but then pukul 2 or 3 petang tadi, my eyes just went shut. I just woke up when it was closed to maghrib. Cannot help to not cursing myself. I feel too heavy and too light. Too heavy to do anything. Too light to be anything. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel angry and frustrated for no significant reason, sometimes I wish it was just me being lazy but I knew it was more than that. Yes, this behavior is simply called mood swing.

I just lost. I know it could be my own doing. And supposed I know the way out too. But the very little will I tried to build inside me will always end up make me feel tired. Rasa macam bayi yang baru ada rasa nak berjalan even though her legs are not strong enough to stand yet. I know I'm not supposed to be this way. I know there are people who are concern and care about me. But I just can't help feeling this lost, helpless and hopeless. Like the more I struggle, the more it strangles me. So I just keep holding on. As long as I don't cut myself or do anything that could destroy me physically. I need to holding on harder. At least until the day I go back home and tell my parent this little secret of mine. Even though I'm dying wishing that I won't break their fragile hearts. But I know that wish just can't never come true.

Until here, I'm sorry for this depressive post.

I know I had made one a few weeks ago but I put it back into draft.

I think that post was too much because I didn't even think twice when I wrote it.

Anyway, can I have your pray?

At least, enough to make me keep holding on.

Thank you for your precious time and concern.

See you soon. xoxo =)

i was sad and angry. but i almost never cried or yelled it out. now, i get the lesson.

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