Sick Mind

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime noragami yato sad gif
Night, peeps! How's your day?
It's already midnight. But I think I need to put some scratches here.

It was a fine day. But it wasn't as fine as usual. My mood went off the whole day. Since morning until now. Actually this isn't my first time. This happened for sometimes. It got me tired even though I was just lying on my bed the whole day. It got me distracted even I did nothing but only being lazy.

I  don't talk since I finished my only one class today. Only texting everywhere whenever I wanted to. At some point, I had some weird creepy thought like screaming crazily, punching stuffs until my hands bleed, throwing stuffs, and more. The worst was when I started to think about between live and death. Yet I still had myself in a place doing nothing. I claimed, they were just some random thoughts.

There were noises in my mind. It couldn't be actually heard but it seemed my ears didn't lied. No matter how hard i tried to keep it shut, the stronger it got. I wanted to scream but ended up clenched my teeth. I felt anger and frustrated for no reasons. Everything I saw, I did, I heard, seemed hateful.

I used to name this one situation of my mind as 'She'. Why? Because it always remind me of my younger self and her dark secret. At this moment, I would say "she's missing me" since it had been quite long I kept her silent inside me. She is the negativity that I always try to conceal and she is really obedient to my demand. So yeah, sometimes she did this to me to remind me of her existence (?)

I have no complain. Just how I used to keep her close to me, I know I can handle this time by time. I couldn't throw her away no matter how dark and ugly she is. No matter what she is deserved to be loved. Because she is me. By the way, I am feeling better now after consulted my best friend. She had her day too. So we consulted each other. Our mutualism is just perfect. Haha

Till then, thank you for reading until the end.
Good night! Have a well rest, everyone =)




If you cannot find yourself, it is time to create one.




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Crooked

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Image result for anime girl depress on building gif
there were times where this world seemed hateful
from what these eyes saw to how this world works
more questions after another
got hooked by frustration for no reasons

there were times where everything seemed hateful
yesterday, today, and tomorrow
more questions after another
got locked in silent with no complains

suddenly life seemed hard and harder
suddenly death became a matter
between two was another question
hollow in sorrow

there were times hating was very hateful than it was
from hate to hate
sucked on air, hardly breathing
blocked mind, pressed chest
absolutely crooked.










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Today Cry Lady

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Assalamualaikum...
Related image
Happy saturday y'all! Alhamdulillah training sispa hari ni habis awal.
Sempatlah nak sembang2 dekat Super Junior.ᴱᴺᵀ. Hehe

Jadi petang ni nak story apa yang jadi masa training hari ni. Macam biasa semua anggota berkumpul jam 8.30 pagi dan melapor diri. Lepas tu ada 'bbq' sikit dekat atas tar sebelum diteruskan dengan latihan kawad kaki. Lepas latihan kawad kaki, tengah hari tu masa untuk kuliah pula. Tapi hari ni tak ada kuliah tapi sesi pembentangan berkaitan program komuniti dekat rumah anak yatim yang Farahin join sabtu lepas. It was informal. Sembang2 je tapi berisi.

Tiba turn Farahin mewakili unit multimedia, Farahin mulakan dengan perkenalkan diri dan partner Farahin. Masa program komuniti di rumah anak yatim minggu lepas tu, tugas kitowg terbahagi kepada dua jenis. Farahin akan ambil gambar untuk sesi mengajar while my partner untuk sesi gotong-royong. Sambil2 tu Farahin ada juga join mengajar sekali satu dua orang budak yang mana konfius sangat tak faham dengan apa yang diajar.

Ada beberapa moments yang sangat memberi kesan kepada Farahin masa program komuniti tu. Masa awal2 sampai dekat rumah anak yatim tu memang awkward sangat. Budak2 tu asyik pandang je apa anggota2 lain buat. Farahin pula memang jenis tak ramah dengan budak2. Huhu. Tapi makin lama Farahin perhati diowg ni, Farahin rasa kagum dan tersentuh hati sangat.

First, memang dah maklum diowg anak-anak yatim tak ada pertalian darah sesama mereka. Tapi bila Farahin tengok macam mana diowg layan dan jaga sesama diowg, Farahin tak tahu nak letak genre apa untuk diowg. Family? Siblings? Friends? Those genre don't match them. Apa yang Farahin tahu dan rasa, diowg sangat amazing.

Secondly, time Farahin dah fed up ke hulur hilir adjusted kamera Farahin ada juga lepak sekali dengan group yang mengajar teknik ikatan dan simpulan. Ada sorang adik ni umur macam 4-5 tahun macam tu. Farahin tengok memang konfius sangat masa tu. Tapi tangan dia still sibuk cuba jadikan ikatan dan simpulan yang anggota lain ajar. Farahin approached dia. Held his hands and slowly taught his the knots. Sekali Farahin ajar, lepas tu terus dia boleh buat. Kali kedua dia buat lagi ikatan yang sama pun menjadi. I just smiled.

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Thirdly, I found another boy umur mungkin 10-12 tahun tak sudah2 dengan "alaaaa" dia sebab ikatan yang dia buat tak jadi. Maklum, anggota yang bertugas mengajar masa tu ada offered hadiah bagi sesiapa yang berjaya buat ikatan yang diajar dengan cepat dan kemas. Jadi I bet mesti dia rasa macam tertinggal. Farahin tanya dia, "jadi tak?". Dia still dengan "alaaaa" dia. Haha. Farahin cakap,"tak apa. tak dapt hadiah tak apa. yang penting awak tahu. nanti apa-apa bila perlu, awak boleh guna ikatan ni." Farahin ajar dia slowly and finally he got it. Bila dia dengan badan dan suaranya yang bersemangat tu ucap, "terima kasih, kak!" I felt blessed. There was a quick thought like, "At least, I did something."

Farahin cuba untuk share those moment dekat anggota2 lain tadi but I ended up sobbing. Hahahaha. Bila Farahin mentioned je pasal adik yang asyik mengeluh "alaaaa" tu and they started ajuk "tersentuh." terus mata Farahin ni berair. Berair sebab rasa tersentuh tu masih terasa sampai hari ni. Farahin nak share juga my position as anak tunggal yang tak pernah rasa ada adik, abang or kakak ni bila first time jumpa budak2 yang ohsem tu but makin laju pula air mata tu mengalir. Hahahaha.

Inilah first time, Farahin menangis depan kawan2 sispa ni. Maklum, Farahin kan ada bitch face syndrome. Ada tu kalau bumped dengan Farahin, mesti minta Farahin senyum. Haha. What encouraged me more to be that bold ialah bila Korporal Jak kata, "tak apa. awak luahkan je apa yang awak rasa. nak nangis, nangis." Also I had this thought that moment, "be bold Farahin. Ni pun boleh train kau untuk lebih berterus-terang." So yeah, it happened. Budak2 sispa ni pula tepuk tangan untuk cheered Farahin. Aduhaiii hahahahaha

Well, semua orang ada persepsi masing2. Macam Farahin, I work more on my heart. In other words, empathy. Muka Farahin memang nampak keras. Garang. Sombong. Muram. Tu lah yang biasa orang kata. But actually, my heart have a lot of colors. Sometimes it is dark. Sometimes it is too colorful that even I cannot have it in control. huhu

Till then, thank you for reading this until the end!
Harap menghiburkan even panjanggg. Hahahaha
Have a nice day. Bubye =)





Heart speaks louder than action.






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Breath

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Image result for girl alone images
i breath, breath, and breath
the deeper the air blow my lungs
it stings my chest
where the heart is in mess

i breath, breath, and breath
as much as sick this life is
the block minded, the cold heart
death is another pain that i wish upon to

i breath, breath, and breath
putting an act, i will be fine
smile and laugh insanely
bite my tongue and it bleed
yet here i am still living.








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When It Comes To Relationship

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Assalamualaikum...
 Related image
Happy lunch time semua! Kelas Farahin dah habis untuk hari ni. Macam biasa petang nanti ada latihan unit uniform kesayangan. Haha Sebelum I go for lunch, nak sembang sikit dekat blog ni. Sebenarnya idea tengah kering sekarang. But still, nak conteng juga dekat blog ni. Daripada Farahin duk tenung je sambil senyum2 sorang. Yeah. You may called that a blog complex? Haha. I just love my blog. Meh.

Jadi, when it comes to relationship. Fuh! Tajuk kemain. A few days ago, Farahin ada lunch sama dengan seorang kawan ni. Jarang lunch or sembang dengan dia ni. Sambil-sambil tu, terselit pula satu soalan cliche ni. "Farahin tak ada gewe ke?" Haa, gewe kau. Haha. Farahin terang2 jawab je tak ada. Dia tanya pula, "crush pun tak ada?" Farahin gigih geleng kepala. I said, "Tak ada yang menariklah dekat sini. Haha"

Look. Honestly, Farahin memang nak elak bab2 relationship ni. I don't know why. Somehow, this topic used to make me trigger. Who knows, that so called puppy love affected me until today. Nope. Put away the negative thought. We're all know how naive we were as we kids. So did I. Kalau sayang, memang sayang. It's the feeling I am talking about here. It's not about commitment, being matured and what ever after that. Because that time we were too innocent to think about being adult. It's just that moment, that time, that we were really wanted to cherish.

And today, here me try to act match to my age. Haha. When it comes to relationship, I don't have mean to play around anymore. Kalau nak main2, better buat member je. Lepak 24/7, I am fine. Nak ajak lawan main pikapline pun Farahin tak kisah. I am quite good. Especially, by the theme Friendzone. Hahahaha If I meant to have a relationship, Farahin tak minta banyak. Cukuplah relationship tu buat Farahin rasa selamat. Terutamanya dari segi emosi dan mental.
Feel safe, feel right. Inshaallah

Farahin pun memang dah awal2 confess dekat parent. "Mak. Farah lambat lagi nak kahwin tahu." Berat hati sebenarnya bila nak cakap tu. Well, Farahin anak tunggal. Tak ada orang lain my parent boleh harap. Takut2 my parent berharap sangat pula. But then my mak said, "Tak apa. Habiskan belajar. Kerja dulu. Beli rumah, beli kereta... tak payah fikir lagi pasal kahwin tu." Rasa sebaklah juga bila mak cakap macam tu. I know my parent trust me and give me the whole life freedom. Ibaratnya, "pandai2 kau nak bawa diri. kalau ada apa2, mak ayah selalu ada." Camtulah kot. Haha

So yeah, sedia atau tak, I just don't feel right to think about it more further. When that right person comes, at the right time, with the right feeling, when everything is right and alright, maybe I don't have to delay anymore. Buat masa ni, I still don't get enough with my life and myself. I want to love her more and play with her more. Because no one could love me as much as bad as I did. Hehe

Till then, I end it here.
Thank you for the time you spent.
Do comment. Would be appreciated.
Okey. Jom lunch =)





Embrace her. Hold her tight. Love her like no one else could.
Because she is the first thing you ever had. She is you.


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Cerita Sekeping Kanvas

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Image result for girl alone with flower
Sekeping kanvas kosong
Sebatang pensel terkepit di jari
Aku lukiskan garis-garis hitam
Sehalus imaginasi yang menjadi mimpi

Sunyi yang membisikkan ketenangan
Angin yang mendodoi
Lembut berus warna meniti garis-garis tadi
Ibarat pelangi muncul di dada langit
Kanvas kosong menjadi warna-warni

Sedang siang kian tenggelam
Sementara degup jantung semakin laju
Aku potretkan emosi yang tak terluah
Biarkan kanvas melakarkan semuanya
Moga ia tetap terus indah berwarna












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Happy Ending vs Plot Twist

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime morning gif
Selamat pagi! Wah, jarang sangat ni Farahin buat post pagi2.
Well, actually supposed to have class right now tapi for this week kelas cancel.
Yet then Farahin tak ingat langsung yang hari ni tak ada kelas.
Maka terlepaklah seketul Farahin di dalam lab ni. Huhu

Jadi, slot pagi ni is inspired by this one friend. Dia ada mengadu masalah dia dekat Farahin. And just to inform you guys, cerita ni dah 2 minggu berlalu. Tapi takpe. Saje nak ungkit. Buat conteng dekat blog ni. Hahahaha

Jadi kawan ni mengadu masalah dia berkaitan dengan kereta. Sebelum ni dia pergi kelas naik bas je. I don't remember how long would she takes to arrive at ump. But i guess 20 minutes? Farahin duduk hostel. So I don't really know about this. For this semester she decided untuk drive sendiri ke kelas. Hell, yeah. Why not? She got license, of course. Lainlah Farahin ni. Hahahaha

Tapi dia mengadu sejak dia ada kereta ada je masalah dia. Contohnya, masalah belanja repair kereta, masalah member2 ambil kesempatan nak tumpang dia untuk jalan2 padahal masa tu dia letih and supposed they knew that. Jadi, Farahin tanya dia? Susah sangat ke naik bas selama ni? She claimed, yes. Farahin tanya lagi? Jadi sekarang drive senanglah kan? She nodded. Farahin commented, tapi sekarang ada pula masalah dengan kewangan and member.

Farahin tanya lagi. Jadi sekarang macam mana? Which one is better? Masa dia susah2 naik bas pagi2 hadap orang ramai tapi sampai juga ke kelas, atau sekarang dia lebih mudah pergi ke kelas tak hadap pagi yang serabut tapi kemudian serabut hadap belanja repair kereta, minyak, and member2 yang perangai sekian2 tu. To me, this is so drama. Happy Ending vs Plot Twist? Kalau you guys, what's your choice? Jom buat poll sikit. Haha

Actually, I was glad she did shared something with me. Sebab lately, kitowg masing2 busy dengan life masing2. Kitowg memang budak komputer. Tapi dia software. Farahin grafik. Jadi memang susah nak bertembung satu kelas ke apa. Nak2 pula this another friend dah tak ada  nak join sekaki. Formerly, kitowg ni bertiga. Tapi kawan yang sorang lagi tu have her own case. Jadi tinggal kitowg berdua je. Huhu

Till then, thank you for reading till this line.
Good morning! May you have a great better day. Hehe =)



Sometimes life changes you. Sometimes you change life.





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Sempadan

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merenung jauh ke kaki langit
mengusung perasaan yang kian menghimpit
sehelah dua keluh dihembus
tetap buas gelombang jiwa dilibas ombak
sakit dan kedinginan

gigi pantai menggigit jari
terpanggil dek laut yang bergelora
terimbau dek trauma yang membangkitkan fobia
dalamnya masih menjerut
masih berpaut pada jiwa  yang berparut

di sempadan ini
di mana maut setia menanti
sedang hidup terasa asing sekali
bila mana tangis tenggelam sepi
sementelah perih terus membakar diri
tenangnya bukan di sini

berpaling dan kembali
yang setia biarkan ia menanti
yang tersisa harus disudahi
sungguhpun beracun
sekalipun berduri
tetap aku tempuhi.










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Door

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Image result for girl alone room

looking through the frame of reality
the picture of life seems mesmerizing
the shape of mouths that are communicating
the quiet noises that are not yet confirmed

within this emptiness, i am trapped
fear and sorrow are the best bullies
the calmness needs to be satisfied
get hit, get beat
get scratch, get sick
is this not living?
is this not real?













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Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin!-06/06/2019-