Melancholic

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for anime girl hold me cry gif
Hello, peeps! How're y'all?
Lama sangat dah Farahin tak buat ranting post.
Rasa macam posting poems dah jadi bad habit pula. Sorry.
So, here is a post for you guys to read tonight.
Reminder, this can be so long and time consuming to be read.

Truthfully, this days Farahin tak rasa nak berkomunikasi dengan orang. But I do want to talk about things. About how I'm feeling this days. About how I'm doing. At some point, I feel like I've been pushing people away and keep myself isolated. I feel sorry even though I'm not sure where I did thing wrong. I just feel wrong. So here is the talk. Instead of work my mouth, guess I can work my fingers too.

It was only one week. Cuma seminggu, I slept and ate well. Even tidur lewat sekalipun, pejam mata sekejap je dah tertidur. Rutin makan macam biasa, dua kali sehari. Well, dua kali pun kuantiti tu boleh tahan banyak tapi tak pernah tak habis. But then, maybe starting last wednesday or thursday that feeling came again. I ate less than I used to and my sleep time had changed.

I started to feel wrong about myself. What have I done to this young girl for all this 23 years sampai dia sakit macam ni? Betul ke semuanya mainan fikiran Farahin sendiri? Betul ke no one did wrong to me tapi Farahin yang prejudis? Betul ke semuanya salah Farahin? Sepanjang 23 tahun ni? And then, I just cried my heart out loud. It was so painful and too much confusing until I feel so extremely dumb bila kita sendiri tak tahu dekat mana salahnya. Salah kita atau mereka? Atau at least before this Farahin used to have 50/50 probability. Like halfly mungkin mereka tak sengaja, halfly pula mungkin memang Farahin yang terasa sendiri. But now, I'm not sure anymore.

Selama empat tahun living my life at the campus, inilah first time I feel so desperate nak balik rumah. Bukan sebab homesick. Bukan sebab crazily miss my parent because I know myself yang memang boleh coped distant relationship. Tapi sebab I need support. Like the strongest one ever. This thing that I have been keeping to myself for almost 8 years, Farahin dah tak boleh tanggung seorang. I thought I did well. Be positive, open minded, and approachable instead of living my high maintenance introversion. Yet in the middle of last march, that feeling pushed me to its climax. It wasn't like I never experienced that for all this passing years but this time I lost it. I hurt me. Again. I was completely feeling down for straight 4 weeks after that.

This straight 3 days, Farahin banyak tidur siang. Malam pula, menguaplah sebesar mulut buaya pun, I just can't sleep. Even today, I tried to take my best friend's advice to readjust my sleep time so I woke up earlier than usual but then pukul 2 or 3 petang tadi, my eyes just went shut. I just woke up when it was closed to maghrib. Cannot help to not cursing myself. I feel too heavy and too light. Too heavy to do anything. Too light to be anything. Sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel angry and frustrated for no significant reason, sometimes I wish it was just me being lazy but I knew it was more than that. Yes, this behavior is simply called mood swing.

I just lost. I know it could be my own doing. And supposed I know the way out too. But the very little will I tried to build inside me will always end up make me feel tired. Rasa macam bayi yang baru ada rasa nak berjalan even though her legs are not strong enough to stand yet. I know I'm not supposed to be this way. I know there are people who are concern and care about me. But I just can't help feeling this lost, helpless and hopeless. Like the more I struggle, the more it strangles me. So I just keep holding on. As long as I don't cut myself or do anything that could destroy me physically. I need to holding on harder. At least until the day I go back home and tell my parent this little secret of mine. Even though I'm dying wishing that I won't break their fragile hearts. But I know that wish just can't never come true.


Until here, I'm sorry for this depressive post.
I know I had made one a few weeks ago but I put it back into draft.
I think that post was too much because I didn't even think twice when I wrote it.
Anyway, can I have your pray?
At least, enough to make me keep holding on.
Thank you for your precious time and concern.
See you soon. xoxo =)






i was sad and angry. but i almost never cried or yelled it out. now, i get the lesson.



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Nothing

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told myself it was nothing
stop overreacting
you're just overthinking
look away and walk pass
it's all just misunderstandings

told myself it was nothing
the pain is just temporary
laughs and jokes are good therapy
don't be sad and keep smiling
stop thinking and continue living

told myself it was nothing
yet the pain never go away
i cry and completely astray
nothing is nothing
nothing is all me.











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Naive

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Image result for anime girl jump building gif black white
i was so naive
thought love was all around
friends will always keep me surrounded
fun can never got me tired

i was so naive
laughs and jokes kept me happy
soil and mud, never thought they were dirty
up and down never got me dizzy

i was so naive
until they suddenly turned their back
the cold eyes that caused me extreme jetlag
whispers to noises, my life got hijacked

i was so naive, and i am still
even though their wrongdoings caused me ill
although my broken heart are hardly heals
night after night, cries got me chill

i was so naive
years had past and i never changed
not just heart but even my mind in damaged
used to be free but now i'm caged




















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Battle Cry

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Image result for anime boy illustration art scream cry
do you hear it? 
do you hear that battle cry? 
cries all night long
another war is going on
another fight keeps me on

do you hear it? 
do you hear that battle cry? 
cries all alone
I'm not a warrior 
yet just a lost soldier
no weapon but a little spear

do you hear it? 
that battle cry is still going on
that demons never once leaved me alone
scars and wounds, i just keep holding on
until the daylight finally comes on














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Light

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the dim light keeps me awake
and dawn is coming closer
my short breath burns my throat

tomorrow is on its way
and night is getting ready
for another farewell

the dim light will soon gets off
and darkness will colors the room
thoughts and dreams have been long lost.

















today i woke up with cramped muscle from
upper part of my left arm and my right chest.




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Enemy

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oh, mind. 
you're born great and brilliant.
you has thoughts and solutions. 
your calculations may not be accurate but relevant.
you works my body to wake up every time sun shines the sky. 
you keep it calm and steady under the brimming moonlight.

oh, mind. 
where's the blame? 
is it me, or us? 
since when the switch is broken? 
since when the wires are tangled into some trashes? 
i think so, it is me, after all.

oh, mind. 
why do you keep making noises? 
do listen to my screams and cries. 
i know you're angry and resenting,
for me being care less and stubborn.
i plead don't become the enemy of me.











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just because i'm a mental illness patient, doesn't mean i'm less human. -06/11/2019-