A Real Talk With My Parent

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Assalamualaikum...
Image result for surah dhuha translation english quote
Hello, peeps! How was your day?
I just went back to my campus yesterday.
I was spending my study week at home for exactly one week.
Yet I still don't do my revision for this wednesday exam lol.
Actually I had my reason for spending my study week at home and that was, to talk.

I have been always an introverted person. Not only with people from outside, but also with my parents. I remember I was a cheerful child back then but as I am growing up until now, I have been quieter and talk less. The main cause is could be because I am the only child. However, I don't think that's the only cause because I have been always aware on changes that happened to myself.

I had been at home starting Friday. It had been weeks I had been feeling anxious and worry on how should I start the talk. Engulfed in guilt and resentment for many nights, I still didn't found myself ready for the moment. This could be like my very first real talk with my parents. However, I finally let my voice out on Saturday night. The start was absolute failure because I was crying hard due to the nervousness and desperateness. Especially, when my mother asked me "Farahin kenapa? Kenapa sedih? Farahin sakit?".

I nodded to her question. Finally, I revealed my long hidden secret. I told them how I have been suffering this overwhelming and uncontrollable emotion of depress for seven years. How I have been feeling about myself since I was still 4 or 5 until now. How I have been seriously improving myself as a person who is more positive, approachable, and open minded. It worked. It worked but by that time I had started to break. My mind had started to slowly lost a part of its function on controlling my emotions. I even showed them my seven years old scars. In my calculation, I might had revealed 70 to 80 percents out of everything.

It was a long real talk. The loudest cry I ever showed to my parents. Out of the nervousness and worry, I cried for their support and help. However, the unexpected expected that I had been unnecessarily thinking about  finally happened. Their respond, their advices, the way they listened to me, somehow I started to feel smaller than I already do. A few responds that were like little cuts from many that I got from them were,

when I told my mother how I was feeling during my suicide thought attack last March
and her early respond was,
"Farahin pernah ada rasa kena rasuk tak? Mungkin masa tu bukan Farahin."

when my father started to share his past hardships and kept rephrasing this sentences,
"Tak ada apalah. Kalau terkilan, tertekan, ayah pun rasa. Tak ada apalah. Ingat Allah banyak-banyak."

I knew they meant well. Their advices were true. But somehow I felt like they could not being empathy toward my situation or they could not even tried to. Even a friend who I just knew about 2 years and still not know many things about me gave better efforts to understand my situation. I was very hurt that night. However, I stayed listening to their stories and pretending laughing to their small jokes for up to two hours before I went to my room and started crying again. The light was off, my eyes were closed, I cried until I fell asleep.

The sadness and loneliness from the talk still got me for another straight three days. I would suddenly started crying or sobbing sometimes. Even when I was enjoying laughing at the drama I was watching, the emptiness would just slipped through me in a few minutes. It won't be a few minutes if it wasn't because I tried to grab my attention and emotion back to the drama. Touch Your Heart was a good drama lol.

There was one night which my father went to my room. I was sleeping, right after maghrib but his voice calling for me from the outside woke me up. He gave a little pat on my resting hand and said, "Tidur saja. Kalau ayah tidur saja, boleh pengsan. Jangan layankan sangat. Bangun. Solat. Ingat Allah." At that time, his words, his actions, his care, it was a little healing to me but still painful. Because I still got this feeling he could not understand or imagine how I was feeling. How every little task was overwhelming and too difficult for me to get it done.

I took his advice, as he is a father and a leader. Even though to get up from bed was hard, I forced myself to take a shower and went for praying Ishak right after that. My first rakaat was bad. This feeling would came at least once a day when I was about to pray. Not very often but it was very painful. It was like "I don't deserve this. This sajadah. This telekung. This wudu'. His blessings. His protection. His everything." However, I knew I had to fight this feeling because I knew He was always here and there for His servant no matter how they look and feel. And so, I ended up sobbing during my first rakaat.


Besides feeling worthless and hopeless accompanied with suicide thought, the hardest part was when I lost feeling and willingness as His servant who deserves His blessing and protection. I kept rephrasing this to my parents during the talk, "Farah bukan tak ingat Allah. Bukan tak ingat Tuhan. Tapi Farah tak ingat diri Farah. Farah tak rasa diri ni berharga, bernilai. Farah tahu Allah selalu ada untuk Farah. Tapi apa yang Farah tahu tak bantu apa yang Farah rasa." Instead of fighting for His blessing and protection like other mukmin, I was fighting desperately for my lost willingness so I would stand as His servant.

I know my situation is hard to be understand. Indeed, no one could. How can rationality understands irrationality, isn't it? Only those with this kind of sick mind would cope with this duality desperately. But to them, to us, efforts are what matter especially from people who we really close and trust. I thought my parents are like the only strongest stick I could use to support me who are now all tired and worn out. Yes, they are. But unexpectedly they are also heavy for me to walk with. Somehow I exhaust myself more to walk them along with me instead of  me trying hard to walk my weak legs.

Until here, I done my long post for tonight.
I know this is more like a toxic post and it is better to be drafted.
However, I need to satisfy my grief.
I had talked to a few friends but the grief still keep coming back sometimes.
So I ended up writing this rant.
Thank you for your time and concern.
See ya =)






Rasulullah s.a.w was depressed for 6 months when he didn't got any messages from Allah. And that was when Dhuha was sent. ='(




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Beast

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Image result for butterfly anime gif black white
i tried my best
i tried my best to be happy
more sugar in my coffee
invited myself to the party
been in the crowd and acted noisy
i tried my best to live happily

i tried my best
i tried my best yet i'm still feeling like this
what it worths when my best became the worthless
i am speechless, restless, and sleepless
within me there is an ugly beast
my anxiety is her favorite feast

i tried my best
i thought i tried my best to be happy
more sugar in my coffee but i wasn't thirsty
avoided the crowd, canceled the party
now, under the sheet i cry silently
i tried my best to live happily
















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Gun

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hands off, don't touch me
stay away, don't get closer
stay still, don't cross the border
stop, don't pull the trigger
because here is the danger

there is a gun inside my head
pointing at life that I want to protect
I fight, I flinch, yet it still stays intact
like parasite drying the host out
no other way, I get to watch out

back up, keep the distance
I may be a weapon but also a poison
I know I am just broken
can be fix but keep feeling frightened
maybe I'm just not confident

hands off, don' touch me
there is a gun inside my head
fully loaded and I am the target
it's dangerous so turn your back
I pull the trigger, it is just another slack









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Faouzia Born Without A Heart

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Assalamualaikum...


Ramadhan kareem, people!
I just found this hidden gem two days ago.
She just popped out of nowhere on my Youtube home lol.
I was so tempted with her bold voice and high vocal.
She worth bigger audience so I just want to share
this underrated super talented singer with y'all.


I'm an angel, tell me what you mean by that
I take it all and I will never give it back
I don't feel sorry every time I see you cry
Every time you start, I'm waiting for your tears to dry

I don't really care, and I never will
That's the way I am, such a bitter pill
I don't really care, how much silence kills
That's the way I am

No, I wasn't born without a heart
I wasn't always like this, no
Watched you break me, no
Now you blame me
No, I wasn't born with all these scars
And that's what made me like this, no
Can you blame me? No

I'm a nightmare, I know what you mean by that
I can't wake up from all these scary dreams I have
I don't really care, and I never will
That's the way I am, such a bitter pill
I don't really care, how much silence kills
That's the way I am

No, I wasn't born without a heart
I wasn't always like this, no
Watched you break me, no
Now you blame me
No, I wasn't born with all these scars
And that's what made me like this, no
Can you blame me? No

I wasn't born like this
Hurt people, hurt people
I'd rather be heartless
Than have my heart in pieces

No, I wasn't born without a heart
I wasn't always like this, no
Watched you break me, no
Now you blame me
No, I wasn't born with all these flaws
And that's what made me like this, no
Can you blame me? No



Related image

This song is just so related that it captured me deeply straight through my heart. At half of the minutes, I listened to this with a motivated feeling like "What do I did wrong?" ego but then the other half of it caught me drowning in a feeling of lost. I noticed I have been growing into someone with cold personality. Sometimes I thought I was too selfish for guarding myself too much that I ended up pushing people away even though they showed me their interest to get closer to me. Sometimes I also thought that I did the right  thing for myself. However, none of it was painless. And now I'm not sure anymore. Just practically breathing fine.







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Attention

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Why are you looking at me in that way?
Where are you actually looking at?
Is it my bleeding hand or the other one with blade?
Or is it the knot that is wrapping tightly around my neck?

Where are you looking at?
Not there but here
Look at me and come closer
Face me though it is all pale

Barely open but I'm not blind
Red eyes and still sored and swollen
Not crying but I'm still mourning
Last night cries left me whining

Why are you looking at me in that way?
Are you surprised or showing sympathy?
Where are you actually looking at?
Is it my upcoming death or my falling life?















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Broken

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Image result for anime depressed dark shut up broken gif

things happened
experiences make me learn
but why I'm this broken
sinking far from eden

people watched but they didn't see
they heard but stopped listening
why did my voice stayed silent
and why I'm this broken

things happened 
bad incidents and painful accidents
scars and wounds make their appearance 
guess I'm just broken












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Astray

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night doesn't gets me sleepy
on my bed is where I used to feel heavy
this emotions that cause me to feel empty
choking in the air that I breathe

close my eyes and try to sleep
yet the tears start to slip through the eyelids
asking myself why but no answer is spitted
sinking in the guilt like a hell pit

i don't want to feel this way
i don't want to be this way
but this sickness keeps making me astray
from inside all the way deeper it melts me into clay.














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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 4/END)

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


Now I was back being alone. Things started lingering in my head again. But not the old days. It was about what had happened today. It was indeed a strange day of all days I experienced. I saw Sungmin being sweet and playful with his girlfriend but I remembered he was quite serious while talking to me. Kangin seemed awkward but I saw he smiled and laughed just like other guys. And Yesung was a nuisance with his random talks but his words can be sharp and deep too. There were quite many interactions. Strange but not bad.

The bus stopped again. This time it was my turn to off. There were two passengers came in but I was the only one came out. The rain was still pouring but was not as heavy as before. I walked my steps under the blooming cherry blossom trees which were planted at the roadside. It did not took too long for me to arrive at home. I opened the door and two voices were heard, cheerful as always.

“Is that you, honey?” My mother called from the kitchen, I guessed.

“Yes.” I took off my wet shoes and putted them at a corner, a bit far from the shoe rack. They needed to be dried later.

“You’re all wet. Go take a bath and come down have the dinner then.” My father approached me and brought me a towel to dry my wet hair and face. 

I went up to my bedroom while drying my hair with the towel. I threw my bag down whenever it supposed to fall and grabbed my towel before heading to the bathroom. I turned on the shower and readjusted its water temperature. I needed a warm bath.

Suddenly, something hit me from the inside. Something that pressed on my chest harder than before. My mind started to have mixed flashbacks. All old and today memories were crossing to each other like broken film. The smiles, laughs, voices, and talks were all becoming noises and very disturbing to my head. Tears started flowing through my eyes and it just did not wanted to stop.

“I’m sick.” I clenched my teeth.

Just if I could screamed as much as I wanted but I knew that would be crazy. But I was indeed crazy. I had been crazy for quite long. Something strange had been living inside me. Something evil and extraordinary. Something that make me felt like dying instead of living. Something that make me sick to live!

A sound from the outside distracted me. I knew it was from my phone. I leaved the bathroom sobbing and found my phone. There were a few messages came in. I opened them one by one, thinking they could be something important.

Hey! Just a reminder. Study my question and prepare the answer tomorrow. I’ll be waiting. -Sungmin

I don’t mean to bother you. Just want to say thank you for today. You make me from something to everything. You too. -Kangin

Hi! I have changed my mind. I like rain. But I think I’ll hate you if you pretend to not know me tomorrow. Just kidding. See you. -Yesung

I hardened my grip where my phone was. My whole body started shaking but it was not because of my cold wet school uniform but the urge that caused me felt raged.

“Argh!!!” I cried harder, harder and louder. I did not sure what and how I was feeling but I just wanted to cry out for everything. For no significant everything. I must be absolutely crazy.

“Honey.”

“What’s happened?”

My mother ran into my room and wrapped me into her arms. They were very warm but I felt the pain inside me more. I was stabbed, choked, and tortured by this feeling of hopeless and helpless. This void that caused me floating and drowning at the same time was just overwhelming. There were times, many times, I wished I could just bleed everything out through my skin and it was not like I never did it.

“Stop! I’m sick! I’m sick of everything! I want to live! Just let me!” I screamed insanely. I could felt my mother tightened her arms around me. Restrained me. Tried to keep me under control. I wished I could but I just did not wanted to. I had been restraining myself all the time. My sadness, my anger, my laugh, my spirit, my everything.

I tried to understand. I tried but I just can’t. Why? Why did I did what I did? What caused me to be this miserable and broken? I had all rounded care and love from everyone around me. Yet why I was still this sad and kept feeling sadder? I hate myself for no excuse and I could not found other excuses to love myself too. I was breathing but it felt like I never even living.

“It’s okay, honey. I’m here. We’re all here.”

“Argh!!!” I continued rebelling on my inferiority. I let my tears flowed and I did not intended to stop it. All the mixed emotions that overwhelmed my mind, heart, and body, I let them out through my vulnerable screams and cries.

This was just another night of many nights. It was like a routine before the day ended and another tomorrow came. But tonight, it was indeed the strange one. Instead of crying calmly on my bed, I let it all out like a murderous hedgehog stood out their thorns. I knew it must be heartbroken to my parent who had to see this. But nothing worth anymore. I just wanted it to stop and gone even if I had to pay it by cutting my throat.

See you tomorrow.




-THE END-







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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 3)

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


A few minutes later, the bus arrived and I departed from the bus stop. I had my usual seat where it used to be empty. My journey back to home was still as nervous as always. Just like the dark cloud which finally poured out the rain. It was heavy and cold. The rain and also this feeling that kept pressing on my chest like a huge rock.

I started to reminisce some memories from my childhood. It started with something good but as I went deeper of why it was good, I found the reason was because there was something bad before that and the flashback just stopped there. I was trapped inside that old memories and hurtful emotions. One of those memories was the day I had picnic with my family by the river and I drowned myself because I tried to approach some children who was playing at the deeper side when I did not even knew how to swim. It was sad and lonely that even in the end I can’t got close to them.

“Can I sit here?” I was distracted by a familiar voice.

“Sure.”

Yesung sat beside me. His hair and school uniform that he wore were all soaked. I did not knew he would be at this stop or was it because I used to take the late one so we never met before. What a strange day. But it was still suffocating as always.

“You look dry. Where are you from?” Yesung asked.

“School.” I answered.

“Strange. Why am I the only is soaked by the rain here? We’re in the same school uniform though. Is it my unlucky day?” Yesung was mumbling to himself and I did not had intention to interrupt. “Wait. Are you in your way home?” He asked.

I nodded.

“Then, why do we never meet before?”

I let his question unanswered. I had lost my mood to make a conversation. It felt like I had talked quite a lot since I walked with Sungmin and met Kangin back then. It was a struggle but I tried to keep it on but now I just wanted to feel the way I feel and stopped pretending. I knew it was wrong to make Yesung as the victim but I did not had any second thought.

“Do you hate me or something?” I fixed my eyes toward him. Waiting for the next line. “I know you don’t talk to people much. I just thinking if you have other reasons for being quiet. Don’t you?”

I did not why, I did not even how or when, but right now I did felt hate. I hate that he was thinking of my reasons for being quiet. I hate his question that make me felt like I was being read. I hate wondering if he was just simply tried to find topic of a conversation or actually curious for my answer.

“Okay. Let’s do it this way. I’ll tell you three things I like and I dislike and you’ll do the same.” He suggested. “Okay. Firstly, I like watching movie alone. Your turn.” He forced me with an excited face he showed to me.

“Music.”

“Okay. Secondly, I like coffee.” He gave me the same look again.

“Ice cream.”

“Cool. Last one. I like wearing white.”

“Black.”

“Cool. It’s working. Okay. Now is three things we dislike. You first.” He pointed at me and I cannot help to not giving him an annoyed face.

I sighed.

“I hate…morning.”

“Okay. I dislike height.”

I gave a hard thought even though I did not intended to do so.

“Come on. You can do it. The second one.” He pushed me.

“…Perfume.”

“Oh, really? Okay. I dislike…rain. I’m all wet now though.” He complained.

I took a breath, wishing this would be the last line of this unnecessary conversation.

“I hate…” Me. That was what I thought. “…coffee.”

“I see. Alright. We’re almost done. I dislike secrets.” I looked at him with full attention. Yes. I was curious about this last point. “I don’t know how should I describe this but secrets make me feel curious to the point I will start to feel anxious or insecure about it. So…I hate it. Besides, I’m not the type to keep secrets too much. There must be at least one person I would let my secrets are known.”

I see. He was just someone who was straightforward in both words and actions. He knew very clear what and how he was feeling and tried to overcome it or just kept it under control. He was opened and ready to do so for anyone. I was quite offended.

“See. It was not so hard to be open. Now I know six things about you. It does not has to be something big or heavy. Some little things are actually meaningful too. Not only to you but also to the person who you tell to. I hope you can be more open to people around you. I’m not saying it’s bad to be introverted. Just so you know, there are more people who want to know you. Maybe there are more who want to hold and support you. Who knows, right?”

He make me all speechless. Why and how this unnecessary conversation suddenly turned out to be some serious talk? Or was it just me being serious and overreacted? Of all people I knew, why it felt like this one classmate that I never talked to seemed knew things that I really wanted to hear? It felt like I was being scolded and comforted at the same time. I just wanted to hide myself right now and start crying.

“If you can’t put it into words, you can just show it through actions. Like…crying?”

The bus stopped at its third stop. There were a few people went in but I did not really wanted to pay attention to them though. I kept my face facing the window and only saw everything through the reflection. I even saw Yesung putted on his bag and started standing.

“This is my stop. It’s a well going conversation. See you, tomorrow.” He said and leaved.




To be continued...






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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 2)

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Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


The classroom was now empty and quiet. All chats and jokes were disappeared and there were no more noises heard. It was indeed an upside down when everyone was here. Some make me felt disgusted with their unnecessary gossips and slanders. Some make felt angry with their clumsy actions too, both verbal and nonverbal. Some also make me felt had fun listening to their stupid jokes and gags even though I was not actually laughing. How can two situations be so much different? Being alone, I started to feel disgust, angry, and funny towards myself. Neither now nor before made me felt good. But right now, I just felt worst.

I was lonely.

“Are you not going to home yet?” Sungmin shocked me. I thought he already leaved along with others. He had been absent from a few classes today. Must be meeting his girlfriend from the other class. Just what I thought.

“I’m still packing.” I lied. I wished I did not had to leave. I wished I did not had to go back home. Because there was nothing for me at home excepted my bed and pillow to keep me accompany anytime I felt like to cry especially at night. It was very exhausting and terrifying when you had no control on your very own emotion. At least, outside here I can handled putting on poker face and created some white lies.

“Do you want to leave together?” Sungmin invited me, too sudden.

I only can kept staring at him with a blank mind and flattered heart. As someone who already had a girlfriend, should not he supposed to say that to his girlfriend? Then, why me?

“What are you looking at? Quick. We have to catch the bus.” He insisted and I just did not thinking to reject. I started packing my things for real while he was waiting.

Unexpectedly, I did leaved the classroom along with Sungmin and this was our very first time walking side by side. We did not even talked much to each other in the class. Maybe he was indeed friendly and polite to everyone but I was always being quiet and less talking. We were absolutely an example of contradiction. The best example, I thought.

“Have you always being this quiet?” Sungmin asked.

“Err…I think so.” I answered his sudden question with a few seconds of hesitation.

Sungmin nodded silently while a few steps of ours had passed.

“Is that okay? I mean…don’t you have anything to talk about? Maybe about something you think or feel? Everyone does, right.” Sungmin looked into my eyes, waiting for my answer and I cannot help to not feel nervous. I considered to answer his question as diligent as it was asked but my second thought prevented me to do so.

“Well…guess it’s just the way I am.”

“You’re still not answering me.” Sungmin insisted and I started biting my lips. Why this question was very hard? Why it was hard to be honest and true? Why I make this hard for myself?

“Wait. Are you getting caught by me for cheating?”

We stopped in the middle of the way. Yes. We were caught by Sungmin’s girlfriend. But cheating was not the right situation. We were not even close classmates. If I had to describe, maybe we were more like two strangers walking the same path.

“Of course not. I can never dare. This is my classmate.” Said Sungmin, calm and caring. I could saw he was an ideal man for boyfriend material or maybe someday a husband material. Lucky girl. I envied.

“Okay. You have to pay for this. Buy me something I like.” She teased while wrapping her hands around Sungmin’s hand. They really looked like a good match. Just if I could had a sweet relationship like them. However I remembered, “if” was not even supposed to be asked here. I just can’t.

“Okay. Alright. Anything for you.” Said Sungmin. He gave a little pat on her head. “Do you want to go with us?” Sungmin asked me like some old friends even though I did not remembered had one.

“It’s okay. You guys may go. I think I’ll just head straight to home. Bye.” I took my leaved first and went out from the school building.

On my way to the entrance gate, I saw Kangin who was walking out from the field. The school rugby team was still doing their daily training there. Maybe he just went back from seeing them. There was a rumor among students and teachers that he quit the team. However, I did not paid much attention on those kind of talks so it could be I misheard it.

Kangin and I arrived at the gate at the same time and we went to the bus stop across the road. I took a seat at the left side he was at the right side. The gap between us was not really close but I could hear his breathing, maybe from the walking or some activities he did at the field just now.

“You leaved earlier today.” Kangin started a conversation after a few minutes of silence.

I was confused with his sudden conversation and I did expressed it on my ordinary face.

“I used to see you leaved school at least half an hour after the last bell. It’s not like I was stalking you but I was still on the field during that time so…I kept seeing you.”

I putted on a little smile on my face. I can saw and felt that he was awkward to start this conversation but other than that, I thought he just wanted to talk about something.

“I just feel to leaved earlier today. Are not you leaving earlier too? The team is still at the field though.” Amazingly, that was quite a long dialogue I make and it felt like my very first time being this quite friendly.

Kangin putted on a little smile on his face too. I might be wrong but it did not looked like he wanted to do so. His face seemed bitter and his eyes kept looking straight down of nowhere. I guessed I did that too quite often whenever this strange feeling make me felt numb and helpless.

“I’m not in the team anymore. I quit. I’m sure you have heard it.” Kangin looked at me with his tired eyes. Either he had been not sleeping well or he had been crying too often, I thought those eyes just familiar to me.

“I did. But I did not paid attention to it. I thought it was just some unnecessary talk. I don’t mean you’re unnecessary. It’s the talk, that’s what I meant.” I explained as much as I could to make him understand what did I meant.

“I understand. I don’t know you’re this different. Well, I saw you had been quiet and did less interactions with others in the class but…you’re indeed different.” Kangin spitted his words delicately and I knew he meant good. But unfortunately it did not make me felt so.

Different was just different.

At least, to me.

“If it’s not bothering you, why did you quit?” I took my turn to ask a question.

Kangin gave it some a few seconds of thought and I had no intention to wait before but seeing him making that effort make me curious.

“I have an injury at my leg. The doctor advised me to not overwork it or I’ll can never make it work again. So…I decide to just quit.” He answered calmly but I can saw his bitter face and red eyes clearly. I felt bad for asking but I was glad he putted his trust to day it to me. Honest and true. Just why I can’t being this open to anyone? Why I used to hold everything close and deep and make it hard for myself?

“It’s okay. You still can play though. Just don’t be too hard to yourself. Maybe it’s time you enjoy everything you have around you instead of thing that you want.” Brilliant words! Yet why I can’t even utter those to myself?

“What if rugby is my everything?” Here was the difficult question.

“What if you are your everything?” Question for question and I finally saw a calm and peaceful smile from his face and it was contagious that I started to smile too, feeling his little relief that he let go after locked it under his burden pockets.

“Kangin!”

The school rugby team was seen at the entrance game. A few of the members were waving at Kangin and asked him to come towards them. Kangin did leaved his seat and went to them. They were all seemed close to each other and treated Kangin the same. No one would believe that he already quit the team. He was still a part of the family.




To be continued...





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ELFiction : Way Home (Part 1)

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Image result for donghae eunhyuk leeteuk super junior
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4


This fiction is dedicated to those who have been feeling lost and down regarding themselves. It may not much helpful for healing but I just want to let you know that you're not alone even though that's how you're feeling right now. There are people who understand, care, and love you. They could be helpful too. So here is my little gift for you.

Your friend, ELFarahin.

You are that one ordinary high school student who are introverted. You used to be quiet and make less interaction with others yet quite observant. However, recently you have been started to feel something strange about yourself. Something different and evil that even home is not as sweet as home anymore and school has becomes a place where you can put on act very well and be just that ordinary high school student. Of all your days at school, there is a strange day you have quite more interactions with a few classmates than usual and that even happens on your way home.


The weather had been gloomy since morning. The sun was not as bright as yesterday. Even the wind felt a bit colder but still calm and soft. I could felt the air was already humid and getting heavier. The thick and dark cloud also started to cover almost the whole wide sky. It supposed going to rain soon, I thought.

“Are you working on that already? There are two weeks left before the submission though.” Eunhyuk took a seat at the front desk where had been left empty by Donghae. I guessed he went somewhere and forgot about his boy-friend here.

“Eunhyuk. Stop disturbing her. She is not as lazy as you are.” Leeteuk interrupted from his seat which was next to Donghae’s desk.

I fixed my full concentration on my English homework and just ignored those two even though I could hear them loud and clear. Leeteuk was true about Eunhyuk. But I did not did this because I was hardworking or anything more. It was just home was not the right place I can work on it even though it was called as homework. Funny but I could not even laughed about it.

“Eunhyuk!” Donghae called from somewhere a bit far. I guessed he was standing at the door, looking handsome and neat yet still just an idiot.

“Be careful!” Kangin reached his hand closed to my face and caught a ball which had been threw by Donghae. He must had been missed the actual target, Eunhyuk.

“Whoa! That was so closed.” Eunhyuk flinched. Not for me but himself.

“Donghae. That was dangerous. Can’t you see a girl here?” Kangin did a little scolding. He did sound matured and tough. No doubt from someone who used to play rugby.

“Ops! Sorry. It did not hit though.” I saw Donghae putted his both hands together and apologized. I accepted it silently and went back to what I was doing.

“Let’s go, Eunhyuk! Let’s play ball before the next period comes.” Donghae invited and Eunhyuk had no second thought to reject it. He took the ball from Kangin’s hand and went out from the classroom with his beloved boy-friend.

“Make sure you’ll be back before the class starts!” Leeteuk make a quik reminder. He was indeed such a dedicated class monitor.

Time passed but I was not sure how much. While I was only focus on my thing, I did listened to my surrounding too. Kangin was chatting with Leeteuk while helping him organized some important papers from our classroom teacher. There were Shindong and Ryeowook having a significant discussion about cooking and food while Kyuhyun and Yesung were having a sharing moment about their past vacation and traveling things. The most noticeable group was Heechul and Siwon surrounded by girls who enjoyed their overwhelming charms. There were a few students from the next classroom came and joined the group too such as Henry, Zhoumi, and Hangeng. Those trio really elevated the atmosphere with their crazy acts and jokes. It was just me being quite indifferent.

“Safe!”

“Safe!!!!”

Both Eunhyuk and Donghae finally found their way back to the classroom. I thought they were already lost in their fine date. Well, they were not actually dating or having boyfriend thing. But those two were just very close and hardly seen without each other that they were teased of being boyfriends. Anyway, I did not remembered if they ever denied that already.

“You should do it louder. The class is canceled.” Leeteuk said.

“Are you serious?” Eunhyuk sounded surprised and excited.

“Yes!” Donghae cheered with his two fists.

“Teacher said we can leave earlier today. So you guys may leave now if you want.” Leeteuk make a full announcement.

All students became more cheerful and excited. More than half of the class packed their things and leaved earlier. Even the next classroom trio skipped their own class and leaved along with Siwon, Heechul and a group of girls. What a happy and lively group of youths. Maybe it was just me being different and felt like nothing or nowhere was belonged to me.

“See you tomorrow.” Said Leeteuk before he walked out from the classroom. He was the last to leave. And I was the last left. Alone.




To be continued...






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Image result for anime it is okay black white gif
think I'm going to bed
and the night is getting late
think you can't make it yet
yet you make it late
and you make me feel sad

you make me feel sad again
think I'll just keep crying
but you just want to keep playing
think you can't make it yet
and you give me that pain

that pain presses on my chest
make me feel chain in despair
and the night is getting late
but you're still not done yet
and you keep making me feel sad













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i wish i can make less pain for you =) -12/07/2019-