Gratitude Act

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Hello, peeps! I think I would skip the long greeting today.
Enjoy your reading time! =)

To feel grateful and have gratitude, one of the ways is to remind ourselves of others people problems rather than complaining our own. Some of us would have complains about their family matters but then they remind themselves of someone's family matters such as divorce, abuse, poverty, and death. Of course there are much more complains not only family matters but what I would like to convey here is to those people who are still using this method and it really works, you do a very good job. Not everyone can be empathy to anyone.

However, I realized that this method may not helpful to some others. I may be included. Previously, long ago this method worked like magic and blessing to me. But recently, it doesn't works as much as I really want it. Gratitude is no more easy. To those some others, who are feeling the grief, helpless, and hopeless, you have done nothing wrong. Your problems are matter. Your complains are worth to be heard.

Maybe not all of us, maybe I, had done this "gratitude act" wrongly. I gave my best thought over people's problems and complains. The least I can do were listening and trying to understand their pains as much as possible. While at the moment, I pushed back my own complains and forced it into silent. All because of the idea "there is someone who are in more pain than I do. So, I should have stop complaining and keep it low." I disapproved my own complains when I approved others'.

How I want to say it to myself so much, that this is not normal. Because what normal is when you thought of someone's less you will learn to be grateful of what you're having now. But to admit this is not normal, I feel like I will add more disapproval towards myself. As if everything I had done was all wrong and only worth endless apologies. Even at this moment while I am writing this post.

To those who are feeling the same way I do, maybe we did things wrong but that's okay. At this moment, it's okay to vent our complains. It's okay to feel our problems are the worse. Maybe I, maybe we, don't belong to the first group. Maybe we are in the other group, who can focus on both our and other people problems. We listen to both our and their sides. Because to us, no one has less or more worse. What worse is worse.

Fairness is not a part of a whole, but a whole of many parts.


A Diamond Shape Kite

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Image result for anime fly kite paper gif
a diamond shape kite
made of clean paper dream
and two magic bamboo stick
impatiently to leaves the ground
to witness the earth from all around
the kite is finally free to go and fly high
towards what it has been always longing
no other than the ocean of wide sky

a little knot at its holed center
a diamond shape kite is tied to a black string
from the ground its traces are deeply engraved
far down below what attached is the grief
a diamond shape kite can never get to leaves
higher it approaches, heavier it goes
still far from the universe than the curse
to earth gravity won't let it loose


That Miserable Mind

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Image result for anime angry yukine noragami gif
thought i would do some drawing
prepared a ruler and an eraser
held a pencil on my right hand
but my mind went empty
the imagination won't get pretty
thought i would start with origami
a piece of red colored paper
a ruler to cut it straight
made fold after fold into a shape of triangle
needed for scissor but wasn't found
dug into books stacks and other stationery
nothing like scissor but my miserable mind
threw an old broken headphone which once I fond
hit hardly against the wall before it fall into a box
shit! crashed onto the bed with song to my ears
staring at black screen of my laptop
turned the power on and waited
thought i should write something
with a word spelled "thought"


The Second Lesson : Math

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Image result for anime drawing gif
Hello, people! How're you doing?
Have you had your lunch?
I just finished mine and I am feeling quite elevated to make this post.
This is the first very real post of this July after a few drops of poem lol.
So let's give it a go. Enjoy your reading time!

Since my second breaking point, I have been keep mentioning from my a few previous posts that this time is different for me. Something is getting worst. Something which I don't even really know how accurate my calculation about it. I just feel that way. However, behind and between those overwhelming negative emotions, I think I am getting my second lesson right now. If the first taught me about self love or maybe I was actually confused it with self affection, this time I learned about self expression.

I had realized this long ago even before my first breaking point. I do have resentments, disappointments, angers, sadness and other more emotions that I never express and let it out. I frightened the judgement of people around me and even me claimed myself for being oversensitive. So I pushed those feelings away, hid it deeper inside me, like those difficult mathematics questions that I did not want to spare my little time to figure them out or at least read the questions fully.

I noticed I had been piling up those unfinished homework. Made them looked like paper trash while they were actually important documents. And when those papers had been too high to balance their stand, they fall on me like a massive stone which that was my second breaking point.

I thought I have been wonderfully open, approachable, understanding, accepting and positive about my surrounding. I did but maybe not yet fully hundred percent. Maybe not even half of it. I realized those are just a part of self love which is self affection. I accepted my flaws, tried to understand my surrounding and the people, opened at both mind and heart, and embraced my positive vibes while I actually still didn't get the homework done. My mathematics questions.

Maybe it is not only me but most of us are confused about good vibes. I learned it is not only about how great or mood today, what's the new experience, accomplishment, who do we hanging out with or meeting today and more good things that happened. It also about how bad our mood today, what's the little efforts we made, that very little progress, who do we find in ourselves today and more negatives vibes after another.

Even though we could not figure out the why and what, feelings are made to be felt either bad or good. Pretending we're okay and forcing ourselves to feel okay are small attempts of pushing away those emotions that we think they are bad and poisonous. It's okay to feel what you feel. It's okay to cry when we feel like to cry even though we don't know the significant reason. It's okay to feel angry, hurt, sensitive, and emotional. Even our prophets felt those. But they kept it in control. Just right in the boundary. We can volume up the speaker as high as we can but not to the point of disturbing the neighbors. We supposed to do it in our boundary or area. In other word, controlled.

I know I have been moody most of the times since my second breaking point. Little(*not serious) suicide thoughts came a few times in a month. Same goes with crying and other emotional things.But I think this is quite fair and perfectly square. I had been always acting and trying to be happy before, even to the point of pushing away other feelings was like a reflex, spontaneous and arrogant. So maybe this time it is okay to dwell a little bit more and express it a little bit often. Maybe this time is not the time to show self affection but self expression. I am going to read my mathematics questions properly even though I cannot figure out the answer yet. Bit by bit.

Until here, I put the end of this post.
I do have more to write. Maybe later.
When I have the right words to share with you guys.
Thank you for your time and concern!
Oh, and hello July! I am late again lol.
See you. xoxo =)

When you're feeling okay without trying to feel okay,
that means you're really really okay.


Hi-tech Girl & The Magic Bottle

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She is a hi-tech girl
High power and durable
With her I feel compatible
Where possible is simply portable
And I become fast-rechargeable

For her I share my magic bottle
For me she paves most of hurdles
For us we let the emotions settle
And then we mix and shake
Mix and shake until it bubbles.

- July 10, 2019, 1:48 AM -


A Three Leaves Little Plant

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Image result for anime flower sky
Something small and alone
Standing at the end of edge
Longing for the high sun
Yet still embracing the earth

It is a three leaves little plant
Sprouting from the cracked concrete
Gripping its root through the cold
At the highest place of old rooftop

How beautiful and daring
But dangerous and challenging
Must be the wind blew it away from home
Or maybe it is the fungi where it was born from.

- July 8, 2019, 9:37 PM -


Mind In The Space

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Image result for anime dark sky star black whiteOne mind
and the space
hollow universe
with stone-like sorrow
wandering around directionless
sinking deeply into void
floating high up to the emptiness
a usual dark and peaceful adventure
until sleep vanished it all.

- July 8, 2019, 2:07 AM -


Wonder Wall

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Image result for anime skull black whiteThat wonder wall
always stand thick and tall
made up emotions after emotions
guilt that is built into blame
where selfless becomes fame
accumulate by sorrow and shame
frozen silence in cold emptiness
as hard as cracked skull
broken and dead.

- July 4, 2019, 11:16 PM -



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Image result for anime water flower gif
Like echo in the thin air
You catch on my laugh
Bubble it up, shining
And then it pops, pop!
Rain of confetti, colorful
You celebrate my happiness
Capture more of my smile
Reflects on the glowing sparkles

Like echo in the thin air
You volume up my laugh
Louder than the loudest ever
More than the wicked growl
Howling wild like a proud pack
Let the forest stands straight
Hush down the darkness inside
And keep the moonlight stays bright

- July 4, 2019, 12:00 AM -



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Image result for anime black white lonelyThere is someone
Knocking on the door
Someone from the other side
Out of my reach and sight

There is someone
I hear you loud and clear
But I can't make the door open
It is there and has been always close

There is someone
I'm sorry that I can't invite you in
I'm not trapped but only stay in
I'm sorry that I have to keep you waiting.

- July 2, 2019, 12:53 AM -


Bad Memories

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monochrome discovered by Daiki on We Heart It

Between the whistle of air
And the song of silence
It creeps and it slips
Through pieces of broken piece
The uninvited has comes
The reminiscing of memories
Bad memories

It tightens my chest
It blocks my breath
Chop, chop, chop
More pieces of pieces
Of broken piece
Shattering in harmony
Pricking the inside me

- June 25, 2019, 3:04 AM -            



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Wallpaper : anime girls, original characters, black hair, school ...Look! The storm is calm now
The sky is not yet bright yet still wide
Cloudy but no more gloomy
Feel the wind with less wavy
This weather makes me wonder
Will today will be tomorrow?
Will tomorrow won't be full of sorrow?
How I want it today not to end very quickly
But it is the weather
And I have no power
But only a wish in my prayer.

- June 27, 2019, 10:54 PM -



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Image result for girl alone
The heat has comes
The cold makes me feel numb
The violence has becomes silence
Shall I feel lighten?
After nights that had been burned
Into ashes in the carven
It is very calm
Too warm
And strange

- June 24, 2019, 1:15 AM-



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Image result for room black white girl aloneBack to this room
Where the window has been always close
As well as the door with broken lock
Staring straight at white plain ceiling
Where fan is hanging and spinning fast
The after rain is still little freezing
I like how the temperature pressures my skin
Reminds me of that vague warmth of your palms
Whenever you brushed my hair with care
Or when you wrapped me in your arm with love
In this room I start to missing someone like you
Someone that can only be found in my imagination
Someone that is more more wonderful than dreams I had
Because fantasy works better than dream itself
-June 22, 2019, 4:29 PM-



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Image result for dark room night black white candle
Gratitude, they say
For everything that is given and stay
For that given never change the owner
For that everything which is now slowly gone
Gratitude to the pain
To the grief that is going insane
For everything that is given
And stay

- June 20, 2019, 7:54 PM -



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Image result for dark room night black whiteNight is getting way colder
No sheet, no cover
Lying down on the same old bed
Same cold
It is very quiet
Does the demon is now sleeping?
Or actually cunningly hiding?
I rest my shoulders
And stretch my back
Maybe tonight is the moment
Ceasefire but stay prepare
Because the demon is still there.

- June 20, 2019, 2:13 AM -



we're all stars that brightens each other starlight a little bit better for the better -07/05/2020-